It's been a little over a couple months since I was last on here, and after posting a tweet on Twitter, I realized how badly I need to get back to basics. By that, I mean that my growing restlessness stems from the need to re-prioritize my life.

When I last blogged, life was awesome. Now don't get me wrong because in many ways, it still is. However, the end of last semester, I found myself doing things regarding school that I never thought I'd do. I ended up withdrawing from one class because I've been too involved with my social life, and skating by with a D in the other. Yeah, I admit that I am disappointed with myself, and that my burnout and dislike of doing homework is just an excuse...and in the end, my success or my failure is my responsibility and mine alone...

The new relationship that I'm in has been a learning experience more than I expected it would be. There have been occasions already where it has suffered because I have apparently not gotten over some things from my past as I believed I had, and carried the fear and paranoia into this one.

Now lemme tell you folks that resisting the urge to sabatoge has been a great internal stuggle to say the least. And it's always the same things that triggers the self-defeating Mobius loop that keeps me stuck in my head about the things he could possibly be "doing" behind my back. It is this struggle where I've sought some sage advice from others that will provide a bandaid to keep me from acting out. Alas, when I can't talk to somebody right then and there, the ability to let it go and just be isn't enough to satisfy the demands from my wounded inner-child. In other words, I feel compelled to do or say something that'll elicit some kind of confrontation in order to prove my suspicions right in attempt to drive him away. Occasionally I am, other times I'm not; but that is neither here nor there. What does matter is that, for the moment, he has been willing to be understanding and patient while I take a step back and work through my trust issues. But as long as I continue to be suspicious and accusing, whether he deserves to be or not, it ultimately boils down to it being my own darn fault if he gives up and walks away.

While intellectually these things make sense, it is my fears I find difficult to overcome: like tentacles snaking out of some kind of vortex that grabs hold of my mind (and my life), and threatens to yank me toward its being of hopelessness and dispair. When I'm not wrestling with this beast that lies within myself, my life and my relationship is wonderful! And as I write this, the more I realize how plausable my suspicion was of being afraid of success -- or of being happy -- is perhaps more true than I anticipated it would be.

In the meantime, the moments of clarity that come through the restlessness within my spirit is oftentimes quite self-theraputic. There is a reason, I believe, for everything; and there was a reason why I logged in here to write this blog: to remind myself of what I already knew deep inside. I just had to get over myself...my fears, my arrogance in thinking I know everything...how important it is to surrender. My will and my pride can be a good thing. It can also be detrimental to my serentity when I allow it to have power over me.

Ah... The search for wisdom is always accessible when we're open to it. Isn't God awesome?

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What can I say, 'cept I miss this site and you guys! I think about you often and pray that your lives are blessed with countless miracles as mine is lately...

I still can't help but find myself to be in complete awe as to all the changes that is rapidly occurring in my life. Just yesterday, I was asking my neighbor if he ever thought that our lives would be at where they are now from a year ago. Even he found himself blown away at the thought. Indeed everything happens for a reason, even the people we meet, and I cannot help but see a synergy existing...even though I do not understand it yet.

To give you an idea, since I moved into to my own place just over a year ago, my neighbor and I have become very close friends. I have never found myself in such a busy social setting before and now I'm hardly ever home, as I've been befriending people from school and from work. Where I used to "hate people," I'm now turning into the social butterfly. Not to mention that he also has developed his own friendship with them. As wonderful as this is, it has unfortunately caused ripples with the landlord due to complaints from the other neighbors, so I'm not sure if we're going to stay where we are for the time being, or run with the idea that we -- and a couple of other friends -- share a place together, because being a college student is expensive!

Aside from that, he's looking to get a management position for a trucking company that another friend is putting together. They've been busy crunching the numbers and meeting investors, so hopefully this dream will manifest into reality sometime next month. Moreover, just out of some crazy comment that I made in recent months, he decided to actually start up a paranormal investigation society. Amazing how a mutual interest can blossom because now he's trying to turn the group into an efficient and manageable size.

One of the awesome fellows whom I've recently met and brought into the group, not only is my neighbor impressed with his performance, but doesn't seem to mind that somewhere along the line, we've developed a relationship.

Now lemme tell you folks...this guy is utterly amazing. Not only does he treat me with loving consideration -- something I am not even used to, but he is nearly 14 years younger than me! ...Which he doesn't seem to mind. I mean, he's aware that I have three grandkids and my daughter is two years younger than him. Naturally, I can't help but be amazed by how good he is towards me and the fact that I am quite older than he is, is enough to make me want to sabotage a great thing. So far, I am doing okay even though I do have my moments of insecurity… To be honest, I tend to think that his beloved subculture lifestyle is what helps in his open mindedness.

I confess that this subculture isn’t one that I would normally participate in, except that I am seeing that there could be some benefits which may help me be less wishy-washy about my assertiveness, as I am still a big push-over when it comes to saying ‘No.’

Can I see myself having a long term relationship with this guy? This is a question I have asked myself long and hard the moment he suggested we be a couple… For the first time in my life, I do believe the answer is yes. Yes, because I am not dependent on him for my happiness, financially or anything else, especially since I have learned to be responsible for myself and my own feelings.

I can tell you from the amazing things happening in my life now is that there is something remarkable about this whole recovery thing. No matter what your addiction is, no matter what you believe, no matter how afraid you are... Don't quit before the miracle happens! Life on the other side is amazing...

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It's been ages since I've logged onto this amazing site, and just as long since I've blogged. Been so busy with school and work, I dunno if I'm coming or going half the time. However, it doesn't mean I have given up on my recovery by any means.

My life has changed dramatically since I quit smoking just a little over two years ago. (Whoa... Has it really been that long???) Since getting my GED shortly thereafter, I've attended every semester of college since January of last year. Moreover, I got my first viable job. I still do my freelancing work when I can, and sometimes I wind up having more on my plate than I can handle, but I get through it. I've been living independently for a year now, and where I used to be afraid of being alone, I have found how much I love having my freedom instead.

I admit that I sometimes struggle with the issue of being alone, as I miss what it means of being in a relationship, but I have found that God truly does look out for me. Other than that, I have found that when I stop acting and reacting emotionally, and put it in God's hands, am I truly blessed. It has been such an amazing experience that, "the Lord is my shepherd" (Psalms 23) has become my new philosophy in life, for God has been providing me with everything I need.

When I first came to this site, I still struggled with letting go of my fears... The slogan of Let Go and Let God is an amazing one! When we let go of trying to control everything in our lives, life becomes like a river and flows. It is up to us to let go and ride with the current.

Look at me now!


I guess this is what happens when you participate in life rather than avoid it!

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I just now noticed... Tomorrow will mark two years since having joined this amazing site!

What have I learned about myself since then?

Well, for starters, I am still a serious control freak who gets agitated when things don't go the way I think they should. Fortunately these occurances are getting to be far and few between... Also, it has been helpful to recognize the H.A.L.T. triggers as I'm still quite prone to getting stuck in my head, especially when I assume everyone's world must revolve around me so I can beat myself up for my disappointment.

On the bright side, I'm isolating less and less. Hell... Who's got time to do that? Har...

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am finding myself appreciating life, people, and the world around me -- including myself. Something I never imagined would happen. And as a result, I am finding I am more willing to take risks, even though I still act rather impulsively. In fact, I did something I never expected I'd have the proverbial balls to do... Recently, I bluntly told a friend I liked him. Of course he didn't reciprocate the notion (because deep down I know we're not compatible anyway), and I found myself to be fine with it.

If anything, I was rather proud of myself for doing what I have the hardest time doing, and that's communicating what I think or how I feel without expecting the other person to already know. It really does alleviate a lot of headaches! Not to mention playing games and other needless drama.

Although I wish I had more time to work on myself (i.e. journaling and stepwork/bookwork), I find that as long as I make a conscious effort, the bad habits I have progressively improves. Moreover, what we learn in the recovery program is greatly important in maintaining our state of serenity. Namely that of gratitude and, of course, helping others...which truly helps ourselves.

Sometimes I find myself getting so caught up with the day-to-day activities of life, I admit that I take what I have learned for granted to the point of neglect. So when I find myself emotionally or behaviorally stumbling back into such old habits, I am quicker to bounce back before crashing and burning into a depressive state of self pity.

No matter how busy I'll get, I will always come back. It's good to have that reminder that I am not unique. Nor am I alone... For my path is shared by you amazing folks embarking on your own journeys of self acceptance and healing.

Thank you for that. Thank you for your experiences. Thank you for being you... Thank you!

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Life is more than just life... It is an amazing journey! So many unexpected things have happened since I started school that its hard to know where to begin.

My soulmate and I reconnected a few short months ago. And if you remember my older posts where I blamed myself, not to mention assumed it was all my fault for the things that went wrong, well... I discovered I couldn't have been more wrong. Needless to say, we hardly ever talk anymore because we're both busy with our lives on near opposite sides of the country, but I am thankful for having the chance to say all the things I wanted to say all those years ago.

I also moved into a place of my own where I can focus on myself. However, since I'm not currently working a job with a paycheck, I've been living off of student loans. Believe me, when you're starting from scratch, the funds dry up surprisingly fast. But I have been doing as much freelance work as I can on the side. Only it seems to be interfering with my studies as of late, and I've been forced to cut back. Guess I'm d**ned if I do and d**ned if I don't in that regard, because I'm stuck giving up time to study in order to work gruelling hours to meet the timestable worked out with clients. Getting an education happens to be more of a priority... Except that I still don't manage my time as well as I should, seeing as I'm a terminal procrastinator even now. lol...

All in all, life has been good to me. I have been meeting new people and reconnecting with some old ones. T'is a shame, however, that I still am coping with the power struggle between my slowly-maturing self and my undiciplined inner-child, who, upon occasion, tends to act like a spoiled brat. When expectations that I have don't go my way, I confess that I still take things personally and take it out on myself. You know what I mean... Blaming myself, as if I am the center of the universe (or somebody else's - har...), instead of communicating my disappointments. I guess I'm still having a hard time training my negative self-perception around enough to let go of that victim/martyr complex. But that will happen in due time.

After all, change is inevitable...

Oh, and I did read a rather fascinating quote on Twitter earlier today from Deepak Chopra: "You find your path not by thinking, feeling or doing but by surrendering."

It was weird... The line seemed to have jumped out at me from the corner of my eye when Twitterfox was retrieving the updates. It reminded me that we can overcome our defects with faith.

I guess everything does happen for a reason.

It is up to me to let go of the self-centered notion that I know it all and everything should happen according to my schedule, and quit fearing all will be lost if it doesn't. God knows what I need - and when I need it - more than I do...

Yep, one day at a time. One step at a time.

I am truely blessed!

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One of the cool things about going to college is winding up in a class that teaches me more about myself than anything. For example, one of our assignments was called "Last Meal Analysis."

If you're interested in trying it for yourself, imagine that this is going to be your last meal and:

First, on a blank sheet of paper and draw a table that takes up most of the page. It can be rectangle, oval, doesn't matter...

Second, what kind of food is going to be served? Bread and water? TV dinner? A traditional holiday meal with all the trimmings? Steak and lobster? These were merely suggestions, but you can be as diverse with this as you want to be.

Third, think of the entertainment you'd like to have. Can be a board game, conversation, whatever... Remember, this is your last meal, so be creative!

Fouth, 8 people can sit at your table... In your drawing, place one person at each end, and three on each side. Reserve a place for yourself. Pick anyone you'd like to share your last meal with - living or dead.

Fifth, consider what your last words would be to these people. Can be anything... Serious, sentimental, flaming and sarcastic, etc..

Sixth, where would your last meal be held? The Bahamas? Las Vegas? Ocean liner? A restaraunt? Again, be creative.

Seventh, what time will your last meal take place? The crack of dawn? Mid-morning tea? Midnight?

note: You have only 5 minutes to complete this portion of the exercise.

example

Now it's time to analyze your last meal by answering the following questions:

1. Why did you invite those people?
2. Why did you place them where they are? (notice who isn't there)
   
3. Why what you said?
4. Why those types of foods?
5. Why that type of entertainment?
6. Why that location?
7. Why that time?
   

Don't concern yourself with who you 'left out'. Your analysis will reveal some surprising answers about where you are in that moment in time!

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Been pretty much MIA since school started, but it can't be helped. I knew that enrolling full time would keep me busy. Only I didn't know how busy! To give you all an idea, I actually got a place of my own just last week - this includes getting the utilities turned on. I have yet to actually move in. That'll teach me from taking on more classes than I can handle.

Anyhoo...

Granted nothing has worked out the way I planned it, the outcome I've hoped for is coming to fruition nevertheless. Simply put, life has been great! Moreover, life has been an experience worth participating in. Except that it would be nice if I had some free time to invest in my recovery. Can't complain though, as the semester is nearly half over and I'll be able to reduce my class-load during suicide summer.

In short, this is basically my life right now.

And I sure do miss you guys. Not to mention this awesome site! I hope you all are well and are finding an amazing freedom in your recovery...

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I have always admired the poem, Invictus, by William Ernest Henley in 1875. Recently, I've begun to perceive it in a new light.

Anyhoo, enjoy...

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley - 1875

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We spend most of our lives never knowing what we want - or need. Instead, we spend it chasing fantasies and trying to mold others into being what we think they should be. Despite our efforts, we're never happy.


I know I haven't been around much this whole year, and perhaps blogged about a handful of times... So I'll be amazed if anyone still reads this.

Whoa... Where in the world does the time go?

For more than a week, I've reflected upon the resolutions I've made for myself for the past two years - what I have done to meet those resolutions, what I'm still in the process of working on, unexpected accomplishments I hadn't even planned on - and what resolutions I'd like to make for 2009.

This is where I find myself drawing a complete and total blank.

*blink-blink*

Don't get me wrong as there's all kinds of meaningful ideas... Especially for someone who's busy metamorphosizing in the proverbial cocoon.

In 2007, I resolved to (re)screw my head on straight. Obviously it's still an on going process, and may be for years to come... 2008 revolved around a short term and long term goals. Step one is already completed. I begin the second step next year actually... Which happens to be tomorrow.

Hopefully step three won't be too far behind.

So what can a person - like moi, who's more or less just starting out life (albeit 20 years late), commit themselves to this new year? A place of my own? Lose weight? Get some old debts taken care of? Jump on the dating horse? Learn how to drive? Or leave it alone and let this s**t work themselves out, just as it did when I hadn't planned to quit smoking like I did 9 months ago..?

Does it matter?

Blah. I think having kids, especially grown ones, sucked the word "fun" right outta me. Go figure.

Anyhoo, it's hard to believe this is the last day of 2008... Despite the world seemingly going to h*ll? in a handbasket, what an amazing year it has been. For me, personally, and certainly the outcome of the presidential election this year.

I guess I'm not going to worry about not coming up with any resolutions this year, as I'm still working on meeting the goals I have committed myself to from the previous two. Whatever unexpected things that happen along the way, happens - the good and the not so good. However, I look forward to the continuance of this amazing journey called living.

May your 2009 be filled with much love, serenity and prosperity!

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