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Some of you may not appreciate my taste in music, but I rather appreciate the lyrics in relation to what it means for us in our journey in recovery... Enjoy.  
Ozzy Osbourne - "Dreamer"
Gazing through the window at the world outside
Wondering if mother earth will survive
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her, sometime
After all there's just the two of us
And here we are still fighting for our lives
Watching all of history repeat itself, time after time
I'm just a dreamer, I dream my life away
I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days
I watch the sun go down like everyone of us
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign
A better place for those who will come after us this time
I'm just a dreamer, I dream my life away, oh yeah
I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days
Your higher power may be God or Jesus Christ
It doesn't really matter much to me
Without each other's help there ain't no hope for us
I'm living in a dream, a fantasy
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
If only we could just find serenity
It would be nice if we could live as one
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry be gone?
I'm just a dreamer, I dream my life away, today
I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days, OK
I'm just a dreamer, who's searching for the way, today
I'm just a dreamer, dreaming my life away
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
How many of us have heard, or rather have it been suggested to Let Go early on in our recovery? Since I have no idea about any of you, I can tell you that not only have I heard it a zillion times, but that it is still one of the biggest lessons I have yet to get through my thick head. Especially recently.
Nevertheless, I think this is something many of us can stand to hear - again.
Letting GoTo "let go" does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for,
but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.
— Author Unknown
...although it still hasn't exactly sunk in yet since I found out early this morning.
Now it's off to college - just as soon as I figure out what is it I'd like to do.
Should I be disappointed?
 Initially, the reason for getting my GED in order to get a higher education was because I had an interest in phlebotomy (okay, I admit it... I have a morbid fascination with blood as some folk with short attention spans are hynotically drawn to shiny bling-blings). Only that goal has hit a snag. I was able to find one college thus far offering the course, and since space was limited, I hurried to get my high school equivelency by August. Not only did I miss the fall classes just to sit and twiddle my thumbs as I could wait to take it next year, I also found out that because the institution was a small, private one, I would have to pay for it out of pocket. Yeah right... Like I've got that kind of money stashed under my mattress!  So now it's back to the drawing board. Yippy-frikkin-skippy. I hafta admit, I'm still amazed that I don't have to redo any subjects I tanked. And that includes my weakest subject... Which I don't think I have to remind myself or anyone else as to what that is. *shudder* While I didn't do horribly bad on any of 'em, I still can't believe that as a once published writer, I scored almost as low as I did on... *shudders again* ...the math. Man, I've had an odd, intutive feeling all week that that essay is what killed me. If anyone has ever taken the GED, what the frak is up with these random essay topics that just causes your brain to have a seizure? I mean, really... Perhaps it was my luck of the draw or something to wind up with a topic that turned the gelatinous mass within my cranium into a soup without substance, because dammit... With the money I had to dish out for this, I should be able to demand a do-over. 
Best thing I have ever done for myself is to put both hands on the edge of my desk and push myself away from the computer. As of today, I managed to meet one of my goals by cramming a 16 week GED preperation course down to 9. Well... Technically 8, as I got the referal to take the official test last week (the instructor was vacationing in Mexico for a couple of weeks before that), and finished taking the remaining tests earlier tonight.
I hope that working my butt has paid off, because now I get to sit on my fat, sasquatchian arse and get stuck in my head (which I'm already beginning to) for the next two weeks waiting in anticipation for the test results. With any luck, I won't start a new habit and chew my fingernails right down to the cuticle. Yay...
It's a strange feeling to me now that I've had a chance to come down from this focalized energy enough to contemplate these past couple of months to examine typical, albeit self-defeating, behaviors of mine.
Who knows what I was thinking... Short of minimizing the fact that I never learned algebra or geometry when I was attending school. Worse still, I'd find ways of downplaying, even sabotaging the accomplishments I've made after the novelty has worn off. Was trying to cram more than 20 years worth of a formal education into a few short weeks a smart idea? I'm still berating myself for the possibility of failure. And if I failed anything, it would undoubtedly be the math.
Under some typical circumstances, I decided to quit smoking via cold turkey; except I was continuiously contemplating of making up any excuse that 'sounded good' or 'believable' to start up again. Days later, I was one of 15 accepted right away into the prep-classes, out of nearly 60 who tested; and within a couple of days, I was looking for some fluke as to how I managed to get in. Despite the work I put into preperation to take an ATB (Ability to Benefit) test for one of the colleges I was checking out, because I didn't have my GED as of yet; not only did I find myself becoming overly emotional in my surprise - yet disbelief for passing, I later found myself looking for fault as to how I passed. Once I received my referal to take the GED, before everyone else in the class; I put more emphasis on "sucking at math" and began to lose confidence. When I took a couple of the official tests the night before (after having barely slept last night due to persistant dreams involving arithmetic and test taking), I was being encouraging and supportive to my fellow classmates; all the while reinforcing my belief of failing the test when the time came for me to take it. During the actual test, the internal doubt was raging within, despite how physically and emotionally calm I was.
All this-- despite the support and encouragment from everyone around me...even their confidence in my ability and determination to work toward something I really wanted.
Maybe I really am afraid of success. ...*sigh*...
It's strange.......... All this time and what I have considered to be 'progress' I've made, seems to manifesting itself in other ways. Not surprising really, as my work on the Steps has been put on the back burner while I try working on other neglected things in my life. The irony is that despite my addictive relationship with the computer, something I've been trying to limit to an insignificant hobby, has been the means to afford me to meet this part of my goal.
It has been a long while since I've ran across this little inspirational diddy, until a friend of mine sent this to me. I think this speaks for us all and what we've come to learn during our journey in recovery...  ~ A Creed To Live By ~
Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Don't set goals by what other people deem important,
Only you know what is best for you.
Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart, cling to them as you would your life,
For without them life is meaningless.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Don't give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love,
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly,
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Don't dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope.
To be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.
Life is not a race but a journey to be savored each step of the way... By: Nancye Sims
Been busy with prep-classes these past couple of weeks, so I haven't had a whole lot of free time to goof off online much. Speaking of which, I'm stoked that I quit smoking nearly 3 weeks ago. Go me!! Anyhoo, I was doing my usual web surfing (related mostly for school) and stumbled upon this... Naturally I thought about all of us making our own journey through this thing called 'recovery', together. Hope ya like it as much as I!
Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson, "Return to Love"
Going on day 5 of abstaining from smoking... So far, has been a rather enlightening experience to me already. And since I am neither a drug addict or an alcoholic, this is the closest I can come to be able to relate to the obsession and the craving from a chemical dependency.
The first 12 hours wasn't so bad. But as the night progressed near 24 hours, I was pacing the floor, trying to rationalize 'falling off the wagon' or stick to what I inadvertently started. I am also aware of having idle hands, because I found myself being more restless and fidgity then I was irritable...surprisingly.
Typically when I smoke, I tend to smoke most after I eat, in social situations, or bored. Usually I'll have a cigarette within 15-20 minutes after I wake up, and about the same before bed. Late at night (like around now) is when the triggers become most active... The increased hunger and getting stuck in my head is worst around this time.
It is a weird adjustment, particularly to my psyche, of that unconscious habit no longer being there. Best way to explain it, it's almost like a shock - especially when I took that supply, as well as habit, for granted.
Speaking of supply, I realized just how grouchy I'd get toward others if I had to go without for a few hours. In fact, my behavior was like that of a drug addict whenever I was in danger of nearly or completely running out of a supply.
I don't remember becoming physically or psychologically addicted when I first started in my early teens. Only now, has the reality of it become painfully obvious as I sit here contending with my withdrawals...when they are at their worst in the middle of the night.
Do these obsessive cravings ever completely disappear?? *sigh*
I'm in the process of raising my geek status to that of nerd... It has been an interesting, if not educational day, as I hadn't stepped into a school environment (for myself) in over 20 years. However, I did go talk to a couple of college educators today, just to see what my options are once I do get my GED. While I don't currently have it yet, as it's difficult for me to charge people to fix and tutor them on computers when they're financially having a hard time themselves, as well as babysitting nieces and grandkids for the same reason, bottom line is I need the money to meet my goals too... *sigh* Such is the life of a bleeding heart, even though my time is money. Supposedly. I don't mean it to sound like I'm complaining because I'm not. I actually enjoy helping people out if it's within my means, and at least my family 'repays' me in some way. Still... I've decided to get that GED in hand before I make any commitments. Until that happens, I'm going to take my time and 'shop' around - seeing what is available, finances, and class schedules that will fit into my chaotic night-owl, with the chronic insomnia, lifestyle. I want to be able to devote myself to a full time education.
At the moment, I've checked out a couple of schools...and be checking out a bunch more in the meantime. So whenever the classes for whatever course I do choose starts, I will have given myself ample time to work on getting through the classes I need to pass the GED. I.E. math...
The second college I went to, I was a bit uncomfortable with the enthusiasm that it almost felt like pressure. The admissions representative would have hauled me to the finances office before I knew what was going on, if she had her way. But I'm proud of myself... I listened, asked questions, was open and honest (can ya tell I've been working on my social skillz? :P), but remained assertive to what seemed like a sales pitch. If going to college is anything like buying a car, no wonder I don't drive... Oy!
Phlebotomy is something I've always wanted to do. Not simply because I like the idea of stabbing people and getting paid for it..:P But I rather like the diversity of the people I'll get a chance to meet. Another thing I'm considering is Medical Assistance... Something that is also diverse as far as what this field entails, but also allow me do something more specialized should I decide to go back to school later on. Or... Do one after the other and build up multiple certifications. Who knows. Cool thing about the medical field is I don't have to stick to one thing. Plus, with the way the economy is going, I'll always have a job - unless mankind becomes an extinct species.
A friend of mine sent a trick question to me - one that I haven't heard in years, and thought I'd pass the fun on...
Three frogs are sitting on a log.
One of them decide to jump off.
How many frogs are on the log?
Feel free to give your answers and how you came to that conclusion. On Monday night/Tuesday morning, I'll post the answer I gave (as well as my friend's) as a comment to this blog.
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