|
Viewing 1 - 5 out of 5 Blogs.
I've had a great day today. I was sitting at a slot machine with a buddy of mine, plunking away and hit a big jackpot....and started thinking of all the things I would do with "my" money. And then I woke up...Next to my beautiful wife....and realized this is the first dream I remember about gambling and it made me somewhat ill-feeling. I don't want to go back to that life. I CAN'T go back to that life. I WANT my life back. As I continue to climb from the Pit, two thoughts help me more than anything else I know: "....To gamble risking progressive deterioration, or not to gamble and develop a better way of life" "There is nothing in my life today that would be made better by gambling"
Last night, I was told by someone close to me, that my recovery was outshining my relationship with them. That the fellowship of GA was of greater importance than my relationship with them. I told them that I felt recovery was the most important thing for me to do, in order to regain my life and share life with them. That went over like a ton of bricks. I used to not give a damn, I used to have tunnel vision, the most important thing to me was the next bet. Slowly, I am crawling from the Pit, only to have the person I care for most say to me, they don't see that much of a change. The analogy used was as follows: If a dog gets beaten for many years, and the owner finally changes their ways, the dog is still not going to believe it's owner has changed unless there are demonstrations of change. That is stimulus-response at it's most basic. I have changed...for the better.....I try to show it in as many ways as I can, but trust is something earned...and trust has been broken in both directions.
Today was a good day, I did not gamble. The last day I placed a bet was 10/29/07....6 months of freedom. It seems like yeserday, because I try to take it A Day At A Time. That is all I can do. I know that I can't gamble responsibly, like "earthlings". I know returning to the Pit is not something I want, but I am powerless over my addiction. I know that recovery is A Day at a Time in order "to develop a better way of life". All of us journey individually...None of us journey alone.
On April 29, 2008, I will be 6 months old. April 29th is 4 days from now....I can't plan that, because I can only live A Day At A Time. Last night, at my meeting, we celebrated not one, but two wonderful birthdays. "S" had turned 6 and "B" had turned 2. Next week, we have someone celebrating their 16th birthday. I draw much strength from these milestones, but I don't think that I will reach them. Why? Because that would be planning for the future, I can't plan for the future, because I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I used to have plans, dreams and schemes of something big on the horizon.....disappointment, of my own making, was what usually occurred. I keep a small amount of, I feel, healthy fear of going back to the Pit. So, I'll just continue on the path that leads me to a "better way of life".
"Hello, my name is 'Dane' and I am a compulsive gambler." With those words at my first GA meeting, I became free. It took me almost a month to screw up the courage to go to a meeting. That month, more than my days of gambling, was excrutiating, because before I admitted to myself I had a problem, nothing was excrutiating...It was just "blah". I avoided life.....Conversations with my wife, co-workers, anyone for that matter...Nothing mattered but the gambling, the urge to get money to gamble with, the next scheme to get back that lost money, because someday I was going to hit it big. Never happened. My journey will be a good one. I feel that it will be, because I am slowly climbing out of the pit that I was in for many, many years. The blinders are off of my eyes and I see life.......I now see life A Day At A Time.
|
