After some time of discussions and prayer me and my wife had decided to invest time and energy in a new buisness that is to be run by her and her friend.

As we are heving trouble in our marriage we both know that this will be trying times for us, but we have said that we are both prepared to work for this togheter as equals. We, togheter, risk our common economy and we have to face the troubles and risks togheter.

At this time my wife and her friend suddenly demands that i should sigh a pre.nup, statig that the buisness is my wifes private property.

I would like to point out that a pre-nup has never been up to discussion until npw, when the buisness is about to be finalised and all affairs are about to come to a closure. Everything is just days away.

To me this feels just plain wrong.

If me and my wife are to go into this togheter, that both risks and gains will have to be distributed equally. Without my help my wife could never do this, i i don't commit to this it wil eb impossible for her to do it, but iäm not sure i am willing to commit under these circumstaces.

Apart from this it feels like my wife and her friend are using the short time span to pressure me into signing this pre-nup without time to think and pray eunough about it.

Your prayers and your advice is sought and welcome,

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Tonight everything took a turn for the worse with me and my wife. 

As i have told you i my blogs she has been cheating on me with her boss.

I have asked her about what heppened and she has told me some of it, i have wanted to know more about how she feels about him, and what really happened between them and she has put of giving me an answer.

A few days ago she agreed to once and for all let me ask her any questions i wanted answered. She would anwer them and then we could let it be. She wouldn't have to deal with me asking and i would have gotten all the answers i need to let go and continue.

I still wanted to be able to ask her questions about this, since i think that unfaithfulness, the broken fundamentals of a marriage takes more than a couple of weeks to heal, but she said that i had to ask the questions now and then never bring up the subject again, except in councelling.

Well, ofcourse i wasn't allowed to take my time to think about what questions i needed answered, so i wrote down everything. 12 pages of questions, it is much, but since this was going to be the only time i got to ask the questions i don't think it is an unreasonable amount either.

I had to go to work for a few hours tonight, and she said she should answer the questions ehile i was away. It turned aout that she hadn't answererd a single question. She calimed i was a sick person to ask her these questions, that she had already agreed to answer, I had asked some of them earlier so she knew what kind of questions they were too.

She said the questions were to detailed, to personal, for her to answer. Well, i can se that they are not very pleasant for her to answer, i don't deny that, but she claims she want to meet my demands, she wants to help me through this pain she has caused me, but she doen't do anything to fulfill her promises.

I have ofcourse asked her not to have too much contact with the other man and we agreed that she should look for another job to get away from him.

Yesterday i asked her how she feel about the other man. She answered me that she admires him and want to work with him to learn what he has to teach her.

To me that answer means at least two things.

First that she still wants him in her life in some way, she has no intention to leave him completely.

Second she will break her promise to look for another job.

I told her that this was my view on things, which she couldn't understand. To me it's simple, either she lies whe she says she is disgusted by him or she lies when she says she admires him and want to work close to him.

And i told her that her claim to want to meet me in my pain, to help me and to support me in this, needs to take form in something, in action, not just words.

She refuses to talk to me, about anything at all, how is that showing that she want to help me in my pain and sorrow?

She leaves the room as soon as i enter. How is that helping?

She says she doesn't love me, she says that leaving me will be a relief. To me that is not supporting.

I have to realise that asking her my questions will not help her, it will only make things worse for both of us. I have to deal with my pain without her help, simply beacus i will not get any help from her.

Well...

This whole thing ended with her trashing our kitchen thowing stuff around, crashing her cellphone, throwing stuff in the livingroom, slamming doors and screaming.

Screaming at me that this time it was really, completely finally over and that she was just happy that it was. She didn't want to sleep at home, witch is fine by me, but she said she would go to the other man to sleep and that hurt me.

She got in her car and left.

Terrified that she would do something stupid, trying to hurt herslef or something, i called our friends, got my father go get out of bed to come and sit with our three children so that i could go out looking for her, since she had destroyed her mobile phone i couldn't phone her...

Eventually i got to know that she had gone to one of our neighbours. I called there and got to talk to her. She doesn't know if she will stay there for the night or not. She is just too upset and sad to think straight right now. I could do nothing more than to wish for her to take care of herself and tell her that i will pray for her.

The really wonderful thing in all this is that I still have serenity. I know i'm doing the right thing in detaching from her feelings, her sickness. I have a clear distance to her and her feelings, I still feel sad that it has come to this, that she feels this way. I feel sad for our children.

But I still haven't taken over her feelings. The feelings i have is MINE, and not hers! She is not dragging me with her in her slef pity and sorrow. I am held by the hand of God and feel safe in this.

I actually just stood and watched her go, i didn't shout, cry, threaten or anything... well i saked if she would really go to the other man, but not with a raised vioce even.

Even if she is at one of her lowest points yet, i still feel OK. A bit sad, but OK anyway. I watch ”christine” on TV and feel kind of good.

And still, i still love her, i love her deeply and truly. That hasn't changed one bit, but in my distance to her i can feel the love for her without having to throw myself at her feet.

I seriously think that this detachment thing is working. Not that i pride myself of having mastered it i fail constantly, but i have gotten a taste of it and i know it's the way to go!

I know that God has a way. I know everything will be OK, i have trust in my saiviour.

PTL!

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Please pray for my wife, and me. That we will see and follow Gods will in this!

Those of you that read a lot of the blogs here might see a connection to... well guess...

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I have been blessed. During my morning prayer today i got a parable that really spoke to my heart.

I lit a candle and started praying, but tha candle had a too short wick and the flame was small. At that moment i felt that my flame, my connection to God was small as well and beacuse of that my prayer became: ”Lord blow your spirit at my glow to make it into a fire”

By instinct (?) i took the candle and poured off some wax, so that the flame should be bigger, and as i did that, i also got som molten wax on my finger. It hurt a bit ofcourse, but the flame got bigger and shone brighter.

With this God showed me that in order for my glow, my small flame, to grow, i need to get rid of whats in the way, i simply need to pour off my ”extra wax”. I need to let go of the things that suffocate and get in the was when God wants to blow his spirit onto my glow, o waken the fire. I need to leave space for the fire, the small flame, to get bigger.

In much the same way as it hurt me to pour off the wax from the candle, it can hurt to get rid of my self-will, my fears, my harm and my behaviour, that is the things that suffocate and get in the way, but i have to do it in order to keep the flame alive and the fire burning.

As i sat in the darkness with the candle, the resutl was that the flame got bigger and that i ould see better. Exactly in the same way as when i remove whats in the way for Gid. The light enters and i can see everything in bright light instead of in the twilight of myself.

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I feel serenity!

My wife has shared with me her sorrow, fear and worries. I have been there for her, listening, asked questions and talked to her... BUT I have not taken over her feelings and made them mine! I have felt good even if she hasn't! God is good!

In addition to that i have not lost a single ounce of my love to her, i have not shut down a single emotion in my heart. I have felt a little sad beacuse she doesn't feel good, but it has been MY feeling, not hers, and i have allowed me to feel good in the midst of everything!

Praise the Lord!

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I need your help trying to understand what this is.

I have now been whining about my wifes and mine separation several times, how i know we need to detach and how difficult it is. My wife has just come to some conclusions herself.

She claims that one of her addictions are relationships, they give her a high, but ours don't do that for her anymore, that's why she has souhgt that in others.

She doesn't want a relationship with anyone, including me, at the moment, she says she needs to ”detox” from relationships.

She still sees us as married and recognises our marriage before God, she says the right thing for her to do is to stay faithful to me, still bound by her promises before God.

Sh says that the right thing for her to do is that if we can't have a healthy realtionship she doesn't want any other relationship, since she is bound to me by her promises before God.

Her goal is to live in a healthy relationship with me. Her alternative is no relationship at all.

She will still tell me what boundaries she sets up to other men, and what boundaries she fails to set, just as she has promised me earlier.

We will write a first, second and third step prayer for ourself to start our day with, praying together via the phone if we're not at the same place and we will still end our day with the serenity prayer togheter. She still doesn't want to pray it ”togeter” as in using the word ”us”, but want to use the word ”me” instead.

She wants to continue mairriage councelling for my sake, so that i can get to deal with her cheating on me, but she doesn't want to discuss that matter outside councelling. She has agreed to answer all the questions i have. Once, and then never again. I feel that she is trying to control how i deal with her infidelity and in that i cannot meet her.

Praying togheter without using ”us” is really wrong to me, but praying togehter is still more important than that small word.

Apart form that i totally agree with her. I too have been unhealthily addicted to her and given up my life for her.

This i have wanted to put an end to and now we can do it together.

I love her and that's why we need to separate, so that i can give her healthy love instead of addictive love.

I too, just as she, have the goal of living in a healthy relationship with her and don't want anyone else.

So folks... What do you think? Good or bad desicions? Doomed or not? I feel really confused, but it feels good. I am still anxious and feel bad about the separation, but i also feel God at work in this.

As i have said before i know that it is Gods will that we should be togheter, that we have work to do for God and i feel that this is the only way we can move towards Gods will.

My love for her is so big, i don't know how to handle the pain of letting her go. Well, i know i can't and i pray that God does it for me.

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What do you do when someone takes your drug of choice away?

As i have shared in earlier blogs my wife has been cheating on me. I have recently realised that my drug of choice right now is not alcohol, its is my codependecy.

I have stuck to the 12 steps, i'm now working on my fourth step and i'ts a wonderful tool for spirituality and finding serenity.

Throught the 12 steps i know that both me and my wife has a good tool to get through this affair and get through both hers and mine disease of addiction.

It has been a few rough days since we dicided to separate, but the aim has always been that the separation should help us to find first our own serenity and then be able to work togehter again, as a couple. Up until last night that was.

She then told me that she has no intention to follow what we have agreed upon. She says doesn't love me anymore and will not have anything more to do with me than what is neccessary as a parent of oour children.

I still consider her my wife, we made a promise before God and to me, and i'm sure to God, that has not changed. I know, and she says she know, that God's will is that we should be together, we have a task given to us from Him to do together as a married couple.

She claims that she has shut the door between me and her, but i know and she knows that God has not closed his door between us.

As i have shared earlier i have slowly woken up to find myself entagled in codependency to my wife. I have started to see that this codependency goes deeper than i could imagine and my codependecy is not only towards her, my whole family is involed in this sickness of mine, but my wife is the one i am deepest in my disease with.

I am in denial of a great many things, and some things i see clearly.

I know that she has made me feel loved, a feeling that i have never felt apart from from God. This she could not have done without loving me.

She feels really bad about what she has done, cheating on me, and can't stay with me beacuse of guilt. She needs to put distance between her and me, not to be reminded of what she has done, to forget what she has done and that's why she says allt theese things and leaves me.

I feel that in a misguided effort to help me she instead hurts me deeper than ever before.

I know that she is my ”drug of choice” and now she is taking that away from me... I really need God right now, i need prayer, i need serenity.

Help me God!

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I need to write another blog, this shortly after the other one...

As i made my decision to finally take responsibility for my actions, and to let my wife do the same with hers, that is to stop taking responsibility for her, i talked to her, i told her that i no longer can accept responsibility and blame for her actions or sickness.

She was happy (or so she said) as i finally took responsibility for my own self-worth and left her to take care of hers.

I read all your comments and messages and i am really, really greatful for the kind words, thoughts and prayers that has come my way.

I also read a few AlAnon and CODA sites.

I looked up ”Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence” on the CODA site...

http://www.coda.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php

I am ”proud to say that i scored almost full points on that ”test”, i only missed one...

I also looked up this "loving detachment" thing.

There seems to be a lot of talk about separation as being a good thing in some circumstances... Well separation is not for me... I can follow the other steps suggested, but not separation, i love her too much for that... Werrrllll...

Do i love her eunough to want whats best for her?

Do i love my children eunough to do whats best for them?

And do i love myself eunough to do whats best for me?

Well i can honestly say that wihtout God i could never do it. But he spoke to me, through my wife. Today, after i had really started keeping the boundaries i talked to her about with her yesterday, she once again said that she wants to separate, she wants a divorce... and this time i will not stop it from happening.

I pray that God will help me, that He will stand by me and guide me so that i don't try to stop her but instead helps and aids in making the separation as smooth and painless as possible for all of our family.

It is my deepest wish that one day, when both me and my wife are well on our way in our recovery, that God will lead us togheter again, but i know that this wish, this desire cannot be allowed to be the reason for me to do my part in this, to do my work.

My own mental health must be why i do this, for my own sake. Only through this can i have any hope of any kind of worthwhile future.

I ask you to pray for me in this and i ask you to pray for my wife so that she can find her serenity.

I also ask that if you have any more good links to articles on the subject of "loving detachment" to please post them here or send them to me in a message.

Thank you all for everything!

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Since i realised that my life was unmanagable, that i was powerless to do anything, i started to focus on my drinking.

I had to dig deep to find my problem... I admit openly that it is a problem, no question about that, but it was only a symptom of my disease. And a symptom that has not shown itself in many years.

Why did i dig that up? Why did i all of a sudden stand up to say that i am an alcoholic?

Well my wife wanted a divorce...

She is an addict in many different ways. More ways than i care to admit to myself.

Why did she want a divorce? I'm still not sure, but my reaction was to get into AA and admit that i am an alcoholic.

I change my life, my opinions, my very being in order to change her, to give her what she needs and what she wants. (or rather what i see that she should need and want)

My days are full of concern for her, as soon as i wake up i try to find out what mood she is in today so that i can adjust myself to that... To help her through the day... By telling her what to do and how to do it...

I give her options and offers to help her in her addictions, she accepts my help, but within a few days, or even seconds, she discards what she promised to me, and i try to understand why. I get angry at first, but in the end i try to find out what i did wrong, how i can change myself to help her, how i can make her change.

Yesterday, or rather this morning, i realised that the main symptom of my disease is not my drinking, how can it be? I have not been drinking for years and have no cravings or thoughts about drinking at all. Drinking is, by the grace of God, not an option to me any more. Instead i have dug myself deeper and deeper into my wifes disease and all my sickness have been focused on this.

To give an example of the kind of situation i tend to find myself in.

About two weeks ago i got to know that my wife has been unfaithful, she has had sex with another man...

I reacted with anger at first, but within minutes i had changed...

I changed beacuse i had quickly came to see that she was the victim in this situation...

She was the one who needed help...

She was the one who needed support...

Beacuse she was the one with a disease that made her do this...

Beacuse she cried...

Beacuse her well being is my well being...

She said she was sorry and she would do anything to set things right...

I agreed, i believed her, i set my faith in her...

I love her and i would do anything for her...

I told her and showed her how she could set boundaries towards this man and other men as well...

I tried to help her to see that she is a wonderful human being and that God loves her...

When i asked her to put up boundaries towards this man, she got angry with me beacuse i trespassed on her integrity...

I asked her, demanded from her, that she should set clear and firm boundaries...

I tried to ger her to set up the boundaries i needed to feel safe in our relationship, disregarding the fact that she couldn't and wouldn't hold to what we agreed upon...

Yesterday she broke her promise to me once again by letting him hug her and kiss her neck...

The result of this broken promise was at first anger from me...

But changed into me trying to understand how my "pushing my boundaries" on her, by forcing her to accept the boundaries i needed to feel safe i had indeed forced her to brake those boundareis...

I found myself blaming myself for what had happened...

I found myself asking her for forgiveness for what i had done...

By the time we went to sleep the situation was, i can see that now, totally absurd...

She sayed that what she needed was to move away from me, to get an apartment for herself and I begged her not to leave me...

This morning i was angry at her baecuse of what and how she had made me feel yesterday (foolish? ofcourse!) but that all ended in me asking her for forgiveness and me giving in to my decision to stand my ground, for my own sake, and i found myself hugging her and kissing her...

Praying that she would not leave me, looking to myself to see how i had failed her this time...

Today she has set the bondaries she needs, according to her, by turning off her phone and telling me that on her way home from work she will let me know whas SHE needs when she comes home...

My reaction to this? Well i will ofcourse try to give her what she wants and needs...

In all this i also need to say that my help and support has not been humble and sound most of the time. She has asked me what to do, and i have told her, my way. Which i at all times have seen as the right way.

I seek serenity and alcohol is no longer a reason for my lack of serenity.

My wifes addicions are.

Or rather my way if dealing with her addictions is the source of my lack of serenity and i pray that God will help me let go of this obsession of mine.

I pray that He will help me to set healthy boundaries so that i can find serenity in my marriage and in my love and care for my wife.

I pray that He will let me see my part of this problem, and not let me get stuck in harm of what she does or doesn't do.

I have come to see that i cannot change her, i can only change myself...

God, keep me, lead me and let me feel safe in your arms!

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Everything comes crashing down around me. Everything i have built my life around. My family is no longer what i had trusted it to be. My wife is no longer who i trusted her to be. I am no longer who i trusted myself to be.

I try to change, both myself and those around me, but I am powerless, I can't do the changes that needs to be done, I cannot change the people around me, i cannot cahnge the world, and believe me i have tried, i have tried to the limit of my ability and beyond. I have emptied myself of all my might, all my will and all my power. I have given all that i am and it's not eunough.

In the midst of all this, all the ruins of my safe life, in the ruins of my safe haven, i sit and weep. I have cried for hours and hours, but to no help. I sit and i feel an endless sorrow.

But in this sorrow i feel serenity. I feel for the first time in many, many years that i can trust God to do EVERYTHING.

I have, since the day i came to faith, always trusted God to help me, ant helped me he has, in many ways, but i have always turned to God when i could not do any more myself and he has taken care of what ”was left”.

This time i have nothing myself, i have nothing i can't even take the very first step myself. I have no will, no, power, no ability, an so i turn to God as a broken man. I turn to him asmy first and only resort, and he carries me!

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