I have never noticed that word before RE-COVERING, like covering again.  We walk out of God's grace and He just covers us again. Just a thought.
I'm going to learn to pick the phone up and ring someone, or to email or to talk to them about things that matter.  Especially the phone because I make all sorts of excuses why I shouldn't ring.  I'm afraid I will ring at the wrong time and they will be busy and they won't want me to bother them but when people ring me I very rarely feel that way, I'm pleased to hear from them.
So when I get the urge to ring I am not listening to any excuses, I will ring anyway.  I did that on Sunday, I rang a relative newcomer (safe for me, he is gay) and although he couldn't talk right then he rang me back later and we had a short chat.  Then later I rang my sponsor, and I didn't let myself stop that because it was late either and we had a very useful chat about handing over defects of character and how that works.  And I sent a text message to another person from my group today.  And I sent an email to someone today too and a message on this site. So I am doing well.
I will learn not to isolate, I will learn to connect.

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I'm just awestruck at the way you guys responded to that last blog, so glad to have friends like you online.
Well I didn't manage to get to anyone last night, I rang someone but they were out and in the end there was no time to try anyone else so the fantasies went on and I used my husband later to gratify my desire, I hate that, he doesn't know and probably doesn't care but it bothers me.
I did manage to speak to my sponsor this morning though and we prayed and as usual he encouraged me and gave me some good advice.
The positives are that I didn't give in to temptation and walk past the office of that guy who was pursuing me not so long ago, on the way to work, that was mostly because I could sabotage my recovery but I wouldn't sabotage his, well I won this battle anyway. 
I emailed two friends at lunchtime and sent an encouraging Bible verse to someone else in recovery.
And I didn't fantasise all day although I still feel a bit physically aroused for no apparent reason.
I'm turning it over, my higher power got me through today. And at least I can see that there is a purpose in recovery today.
Phew, that was close.
Thanks for hearing me, you don't know much that means to me.

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Well, fantasies about three different men this weekend.
I am feeling shame, guilt and fear over the situation with my son, all guaranteed to trigger my addiction. 
I take the point made in the comment on my last blog that this is my responsibility, I am the only one who can do anything about it.  That is true.
Right now I don't want to do anything about it.  I feel that just allowing myself to fantasise for short periods is helping me to feel better in order that I can cope.  I also know that this is wrong and that it will be difficult for me to back out of these fantasies and not see them as real relationships that I remember.  That will affect the way I relate to these people and some of them are addicts like myself.  I know this but right now the desire for comfort is more important to me than the desire to recover.
What can I do?  What I really should do is ring someone and talk about it.
I am talking about it here.
The antidote to shame is acceptance, the antidote to guilt is forgiveness and the antidote to fear is love.
I'm going to talk to someone. Now.

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I can't remember queueing up and getting on this rollercoaster but here I am.
Why is it that life has to be so much like herding cats, you get one area straight and another one gets away from you.
So now things at work are fine, that had been a problem for a while but it's fine now and the man who was tempting me seems to have gone for the moment and at long last I am going to be getting a new kitchen and a real holiday and with both of my sons away at uni I thought that maybe my husband and I could have some quality time and sort out some of the glitches affecting our marriage.

But now I think I will be getting my eldest son back, he's failed a module in his course and can't finish the course because he can't get the finance for it.  And of course he's devestated so is going to be in need of encouragement and support till he can get his life back together again.

It has been quite a difficult and up and down year for me and last weeked I felt totally exhausted, I was looking forward to some chill time.  Hey ho.

As I said to a friend, 'Shit happens' but I am already finding it very difficult to stop myself escaping into fantasy or developing an obsession about one of the men in my life.  I want to believe that God is in control, I hope He knows what He's doing.

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Well I went to my meeting and I shared how I felt and cried all the way through which was a bit strange because I never cry in public, at times I want to and can’t but it all came out last night.

Over the last eighteen months I have gone from ‘I won’t talk to all those nasty men’ to sponsoring one (thankfully I never felt a tweak of desire for him) and being open enough to talk with the ones who wanted to on the phone.  It isn’t appropriate for all of them, I am a danger to them just as they are to me.  But I did think that if they were not attracted to me they would be ok.  As is my sponsor but I keep coming back to the fact that being alone with a man is and always was devastating for me.  I can’t trivialise that.

I’m learning about boundaries, I took home a good book last night.

And I have the most experienced person in the group as my sponsor, he is brilliant, but he is a man.  I do need to set boundaries, many of the others are less experienced than I am, you have no idea how small and transient the groups are here.

I’m glad I am not alone and there are people on this site who can listen to my rants and raves and not judge or try to fix me, just gently encourage.

Lostsoul73 you were spot on.  Pieces are what I am picking up, I don’t give up.  There is a way to continue with that relationship without triggering my addiction and I am going to find it.

Thank you too Donovan, I need to be gentle with myself more often everyone says that.

I didn’t cross any lines, I didn’t act out, these were just feelings, and this too will pass. Thank you all.

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There is a school of thought that says you should only share positive messages with other addicts in order to share hope and recovery, they probably have enough misery and failure all by themselves without someone who is supposed to be experienced dragging them down.
I'm sorry but I think I got expelled from that particular school.
And I am going to wallow.  Well here I am in a fellowship of MEN, and guess what I have discovered?  I will tell you, I am addicted a lot around men, particularly if I allow myself to a)get into close and intimate friendships with them b)spend any time at all alone with them and c) get physically affectionate.  And I fell off the wagon by allowing myself to get a little bit too fond of a very dear very kind man who has been very helpful to me.  That is no problem to him as I am probably a good 45 years too old for him to be attracted to me.  He's ok, I'm in pieces.
And I feel like I am going to explode with anger and frustration and disappointment and disillusionment and envy of brothers who can support one another without emotions getting in the way and deep despair because I so want to be a part of this fellowship and I need some support and I need to be sponsored like everyone else.  And there are so many women out there like me who can't cope with male dominated meetings where they have to feel neglected or get tempted. 
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Ok somebody say something positive. Cara 

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Well it seems my aborted and forbidden relationship is not over yet.  When he went off on holiday with his family I assumed that good sense would prevail and that when he returned he would leave me alone.  He has only been back a day and I got a text.  Now most women would find that downright creepy but you know there is still a part of me that wants to play and takes this attention as the besy compliment in the world.
The text got deleted, I felt very uncharitable doing it because it was just a request to pass on his apologies for not making the meeting this week but I know that is how it starts and I really don't want to hear how he has been thinking of me all the time he was away.
So instead of texting him I texed my sponsor who told me how good I was for sticking to my boundaries.
I guess I'd hoped the whole thing had blown over.  Just gotta stick to my guns.  I said I would be his friend and helper ONLY AT MEETINGS and not outside of that.  Maybe after today  he will get the message.  I hope so because I was left with a sense of loss today, yeah I know the only thing I am going to lose here is my sanity and my sobriety.  Well nobody said it was easy.
I'm looking forward to the meeting this week, because I need it and he won't be there.  I have another months grace while he is working too far away to make the journey.  My Higher Power knows what I need.  And just to show I care I will ask some of the other guys to give him a ring as he can't get to meetings.  He'd be far better off texting or ringing them for support.  Maybe I can divert the texts.  That would shock him. 
I guess I am not the first to have this problem or the last. Cara

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I feel much better now.  Thanks to everyone who left supportive messages, I really appreciate that.
I have a new perspective now on my triggers and my addiction.
It was good in a way to be able to begin again.  I had a lot of sobriety behind me but a lot of it did not include the very heart of my addiction, all of my temptations have begun in fantasy and I did not feel sober when I was still indulging in that.
And I had been around some very supportive addicted people, I had forgotten how dangerous we can be even to one another.
I have realised the importance of a set of healthy boundaries and I have learned that under no circumstance must I break those.
And I am deeply grateful for the firmness of my sponsor and to all who supported me, it could have been much worse.
I have come a long way because I actually put the brakes on, I heard the alarm bells and I wasn't taken in by the lies.  I knew what I was doing felt wrong and in the end what pulled me in was compassion and a misguided desire to help.  That's not so bad but it needs watching in future.
And the real miracle is that I have learned to reach out, I am so pleased about that.  Thank you God, for all the changes you have made in me through my recovery. Cara 

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Take a look at my profile and the calendar, yes I slipped.
I slipped because I failed to set boundaries, when you tell someone not to contact you and you answer the text that is flaky.
I slipped because I was arrogant enough to think I could carry the recovery of another person, I was helping him, he was triggering me.
I slipped because I didn't get help when I needed it.
I slipped because I broke the HALT rule and was silly enough to use alcohol to blot out anger and temptation.
I spent a whole evening fantasising about the person I  have been trying to stay away from for two weeks and I carried that on during sex with my husband.
When I did that I ended 18 months and 28 days of sobriety and 3 months 14 days of not fantasising.
And as far as I know he got off scott free.
If anyone can think of a slogan to top this off with I'd be grateful.
A very remorseful and somewhat deflated. Cara

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