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Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I was just looking back through some stuff from when I first started trying this recovery thing and found this little poem I wrote a few years ago. Don''t remember the exact date, but I think I was still detoxing, with the doors locked, the blinds closed, the phone off the hook, and a diet of coffee and cigarettes. I think I'd only been to one or two NA meetings around this time, anyway I think back to this time and I can almost feel the pain and horror of withdrawal all over again. Don't know how many can relate to this but for whatever its worth, here it is.

COMMON THREADS

WE KNOW THE PAIN,
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
THE PIPE, THE NEEDLE,
OUR NERVES RIPPED BARE.

THE LYING, THE STEALING,
THE CHEATING AND SUCH.
THEN FINALLY ONE DAY,
IT'S ALL JUST TOO MUCH.

WE'RE SCARED, WE'RE LONELY,
SICK AND CONFUSED.
WE'VE FINALLY HIT BOTTOM,
THERE'S NO MORE TO LOSE.

THE BOTTOM IS DIFFERENT,
NOT THE SAME FOR US ALL.
JAILS, INSTITUTIONS, AND
DEATH TO US CALL.

WE WANT TO FEEL BETTER,
WE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW.
BUT WE ARE LIKE CHILDREN,
AND WE WANT IT RIGHT NOW!

WE HEAR OF A GROUP,
OF FOLKS LIKE OURSELVES.
THEY'VE PLACED THE PAIN,
ON THE BACK OF THE SHELVES.

TOGETHER AS ONE,
THEY CREATE A STRONG BUFFER.
THEY REACH OUT TO ALL OF US,
ADDICTS WHO SUFFER.

LET'S CRAWL OUT OF HIDING,
AND GET ON OUR WAY.
THIS GROUP CAN HELP US,
JUST FOR TODAY. 

After spending two hours Saturday with three county sheriffs deputies, a pastor, a local IOP representative and a number of other recovering addicts, I realized that my humility had managed to get away from me again. That happens to me frequently. Anyway, we were being orientated to start taking meetings into the facility, I had been scared about this for a week because of my apparently overblown feelings of self importance. Literally decades ago I spent somewhere close to 4 1/2 years locked up for various crimes. In order to be allowed in the facility we were required to fill out a form and submit to a drug test, no fear whatsoever about passing the whiz quiz. Major fear around my prior criminal record. All the form asked was, have you ever been arrested and for what. Being the good little inquizitive addict that I am I went online and checked my record. Computer records around here, unbeknownst to me, only go back to 1990. So all I had showing were speeding tickets, I expected at the least to see "case sealed" seeing as how I was juvenile at the time of my incarceration, but no, nothing but speeding tickets. Having had enough of these to know that the line the law signs on says "Arresting Officer", I felt much better, answered yes to the question of have you ever been arrested and wrote speeding under the "for what" question. After taking the forms back to the station my ego kicked in and once again I was scared. I just knew that even though I've had no real contact with the police in almost 30 years and my juvenile record never made the journey to the computer age, I was so significant all those years ago that cops who weren't even alive back then were going to recognize me the minute we were all gathered in one room together. It turned out to be a bittersweet event, alas, I'm not the Notorious one that I thought I was. My nervous system recieved a welcome relief and my ego took another blow. I had passed the background check and other than my fellow homegroup members no one in the room recognized me. During our orientation the corrections officer informed us that the inmates will try to play us. That was all I had to hear for my ego to be off on another run, my mind is saying, hey I'm an addict, I've been locked up, been around, no one is going to manipulate me and get away with it, I'm the king of manipulation. Thank God for the miniscule amount of sanity I've somehow managed to hold onto. Just as I was about to inform the entire room that no one can get anything over on me, I remembered that I am neither the alpha, nor the omega, consequently I was able to keep my mouth shut. So now I get to obssess over the possibility that someone just might be able to get one over on me, isn't insanity just a real kick in the pants.

As a using addict, I became quite adept at flying under the radar, consequently it's been close to 30 years since I was last locked down. Today I'm going back inside for orientation on an H&I commitment. If anyone had told me even just three years ago that someday I'd be going to jail willingly, I'd have offered them another hit off the pipe and told them to get real, as if anyone can get real behind a pipe. The fact is, there wasn't anyone around three years ago. I didn't want anyone around me and no one wanted to be around me. I can't believe that I actually have some fear around this commitment, but I do. Anyway, when you get right down to it the 12th step is really all this recovery thing is about, the other eleven steps just prepare us to carry the message to the still suffering addict, both in and out of the rooms. Our message is hope and the promise is freedom.

A new member of my home group paid the ultimate price earlier this year. Like so many of us this person was a decent human being with values and attributes that weren't visible to the naked eye, nor to the closed, prejudiced, and opinionated mind. Unfortunately the place that I got to really know this person was at their funeral, where I also got to meet their family. I still fall short, but am trying harder to welcome the newcomer, while remembering that there is no...Just another addict. So I wrote this after his funeral, I believe it to be true.

JUST ANOTHER ADDICT

Just another addict,
that was what I thought.
Just another addict,
wreckage that you've wrought.

Just another addict,
who wandered in to sit.
Just another addict,
I didn't give a s**t.

We're all another addict,
with many things the same.
We're all another addict,
dying from the shame.

Just another addict,
isn't with us anymore.
Just another addict,
wandered though deaths door.

If another addict,
reaches out to you.
Here's a little thought,
on what you ought to do.

Give of yourself freely,
spend some time with them.
They might save your life someday,
or just become your friend.

In Memory Of Brian J
07/18/76-03/25/08

Well, I've finally found a sponsor that fits, a higher power that I can pray to, made it through all 12 steps, agreed to sponsor another member, and taken a male newcomer to their first meeting. I had taken a newcomer to their first meeting before, but wasn't initially doing it for the right reason. Even though I did the right things when I took her, my mind wanted to do other things, sometimes we can actually get past our less than honorable motives and do good. I can't always control my thoughts, but without drugs and with the program, I can oftentimes control my actions in this thing called recovery. What a wonderful thing! If only I could control my thoughts, I came into this thing somewhere between an Athiest and an Agnostic, as such I couldn't find a higher power that worked for me. I decided to apply one of the priciples to the problem, the principle of openmindedness. I started going to Church and praying to God, I've seen and experienced some things that have helped me to believe. That said, me being me, always needs more. I've prayed for God to come into my life, but haven't felt the sudden feeling of overwhelming peace and serenity that so many describe. So I find myself wondering if somewhere in the wreckage that I've created lies that one unpardonable sin. Hopefully someday my mind will slow down enough to see what is in front of me. 

Tags: Reflective

CO-INSPIRATION IS LOVE.

 CO-DEPENDENCY IS A SET UP.

Tags: Serene

My perception of myself and the world around me can be shaped by memories of my past realities. My expectations whether realistic or not can have self fulfilling effects. If I perceive myself as not being deserving of the attention, love, and respect of another, I will most likely draw people into my life who will bring me just what I expect, nothing. If I perceive myself to be a worthless A..hole, I will most likely find myself in a dysfunctional relationship, with some other worthless A..hole, pissed off and wondering why I keep drawing these types of people into my life. I could spend a lot of time blaming other people, places, and things for the problems that I've had in life and any negative attributes that I've developed as a result of those problems. Once I was done assigning the blame, I'd still have all the same crap going on. I've admitted that I'm an addict, that I'm powerless over my addictions, and that my life has been filled with both inner and outer turmoil, to this day it still has a degree of unmanageability in it. I have accepted the fact that addiction is a disease, not just a temporary flaw in my character. I have aquired another sponsor and started working the steps again. I attend and share in many meetings. I have been of service to the fellowship, and on rare occasions I even pray to my higher power. But I have to be very careful with this admittance and acceptance. I could very easily use this disease as false justification to move toward some twisted behaviors, even without the use of drugs. I'm pretty sure that I could live in these rooms and the rooms of another fellowship day in and day out. Talk the talk, act like I'm walking the walk, aquire and manipulate a sponsor, learn, but not live the steps and traditions, become a trusted servant, not go back to using mind or mood altering substances, even memorize the literature. Then I could come to meetings and tell you over and over and over again, what a lying, cheating, stealing, violent, foul mouthed, perverted, low life, piece of pond scum, I was in active addiction. Whether I was or wasn't any of those things is beside the point. I would prefer to put all that sick crap in the rear view mirror, drive off and never look back. I have no desire to live in the past. I know better than to try and forget where I came from, but I'd like to forgive myself and move on to a better way of life. If I were to stir all that old crap back up every few days, I might find myself living it again even without drugs. I would hope that I wouldn't, but anything is possible. I suppose it would even be possible to find myself with years of clean time behind me, misrepresenting the program of NA. I could become a shark circling from room to room looking for newcomers to prey on, using cliches', memorized literature, and other peoples stories, all rolled up into this excellent sounding message of hope and freedom as bait for my next 13th step victim. I could start getting loaded again using NA as nothing more than a diversionary symbol of my false sobriety, I could misappropriate NA funds. I don't know which would be the worst case scenario, all could have the eventual outcome, if acted out, of stopping the message from reaching the addict who still suffers. For today, I'm going to try and see a positive vision in front of me, instead of the negative history behind me. I can't try out new ideas or activities, living in the past. I'm making it through today, both clean and happy, I couldn't do that in the past. I've spent time with other recovering addicts, I've slept good at night, and I don't have much to feel guilty about. For today it really doesn't need to get much better than that. 

Tags: Reflective

Spoke with my Sponsor last night, which is a fairly common thing for me to do. Told him that a couple of people in my home group have recently asked me to sponsor them. He reminded me that I'm a little short on clean time to be sponsoring people. I'm well aware of the amount of clean time that I have accrued. After being in the fellowship for a couple of years, I'm also well aware of the fact that clean time doesn't equal recovery. I'm acquainted with a number of folks with multiple years of clean time, one with decades of clean time, who have nothing that I would want, or recommend to a potential sponsee. There's also the fact that even though I'm working the steps, back on step one for my third time through it, I've never made it past the 6th step. That might be a valid point, but the steps are in order for a reason, it seems to me that if I'm ahead of my sponsee in the steps, I should be able to help them with the steps that I've already been through. He also didn't think I should be doing any twelve step work alone. He had valid points on that issue. But as I told him, I've already told another addict that I would spend some time with them and take them to a meeting, so that's what I'm going to do. One of his points was that Men should work with Men, and Women should work with Women. I tend to agree when it comes to sponsorship, but I don't feel that we need to be segregated. We're not all a bunch of Sharks, circling from room to room looking for our next 13th step victim! Anyway one of these days I will hopefully be sponsor material, in my sponsors eyes.

            &nb sp;               Bob777

Tags: Reflective

Well here I am on clean day #8, it's truly a miracle, seeings as how the dope man called last night. Today I can be proud of small things, well maybe not so small, at least to a career "loadie" like myself. I said no, in no uncertain terms. The dope man is kind of like junk mail. If by some miracle you manage to get it stopped, all you have to do is make one wrong contact and the next thing you know, the crap is showing up at your door again, like leaves in an Autumn windstorm. At any rate, I'm grateful today, don't know about tomorrow, but then who does.

            &nb sp;               Bob777

Tags: Serene

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