ALRIGHT.....

I'm single, I'm unhappy, I still have not stopped smoking, my depression is getting worse and so is the insomnia. I'm looking into affordable counseling of some sort and possibly a program. I'm really going to start making things happen. I can't do this alone and it was silly of me to think that I could.

Here's where I withdraw....after doing some looking around I don't know that I have the kind of things wrong with me to be part of a program. I mean, yes- I did have a pill issues when I was younger. But I really don't anymore. Everything that I'm dealing with is more emotionally based. Depression, anger, I'm finding that I'm still bitter and I hate this aspect of me. I mean, obviously there is the sexual addiction- but I would feel silly in a room full of serious alcoholics or something. I do want help. I do want to be happy. I hate the way I am now and i'll do whatever it takes to get to the source of this problem. But Where can I do this with people "like me"?

Thanks for all of your help, guys. I know I'm not on a whole lot and I don't really have time to respond to the comments and whatnot like I wish I could. Things are just really nutty in my life right now. I do want you all to know that your encourgements and kind words have been wonderful. Thank you all very much.

Hope you all have a fantastic day. <33

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Alright...I need some advice on this one. I've spent a ton of time thinking it over but i'm not allowing myself to get anywhere.

The man i've been seeing for about nine months absolutely adores me and is very supportive in my attempt to better myself and get healthy emotionally. The thing is, we had a huge falling out around Halloween and he broke up with me...then a few hours later he came back asking if we could talk things out.I told him to give me a week to think things over, in which time he continued to call/text me. I told him that I wanted to take a month off, he broke up with me so it's not like i'm asking for a seperation- just asking that if he really wanted me back that he wait a month. No big deal, right?

wrong. He threw a fit, and i thought of that as a sign that he didn't really care as much as he said he did. But then he pulled out the big guns. "Don't run away from the relationship, if you want to make our relationship stronger and watch it grow then you have to grow with it.", and "I want to help you through everything, but i can't do that if you push me away." So i caved and took him back.

Now we're fighting AGAIN (it's almost constant) and I always feel like it's my fault. Well, sometimes it really is. Aha. The point it this; I don't have any clue what to do. I really care about this guy- he has the best heart in a human being i've ever seen. And he's my best friend (Which, i think, is the only reason we're still together). I still feel like i need time for me, But I know that if I tell him that and take the time he'll be gone for good. I also know that i'm not getting anything done for myself while in this relationship.

I'm so frustrated right now. I have no idea what to do. Outside of practically being a woman (emotionally) and being super critical (something that he claims to be working on) he's perfect.

Damn, i'm so tired of dating. Maybe i'll go be a nun. Well....if I can find a convent who accepts single moms. =(

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That’s how I feel that I'm going through life right now. I's still sober on most counts, I did start smoking again. Well….I suppose I never really stopped. You know, the guilt I feel when I lie about it is worse then the knowledge that I’m killing myself on that one. Ridiculous. The man is very supportive, But I hate how disappointed he gets when I tell him I had one. It’s not like I’m dropping acid anymore. Do you know how many mints it takes to cover the smell on your breath? Well I still don’t. I brush my teeth, use mouth wash and eat a plethora of mints prior to going to see him/him coming to see me. Somehow he still smells it. I even try to make sure that i dont exahle when he kisses me, just in case. Thhheeennn, to top it off he says things like “Well, I just don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. I mean, what other bad things could you just decide to go out and do when you have a bad day.” Or "what happened to that strong woman with all the will power that i fell in love with?" So then I feel guilty and weak. :(  

Stupid guilt trip.

And it’s not even a stress thing, I just wanted to have a smoke. Gosh. I’m just very frustrated with everything right now. I've been looking for a job non-stop over the past two weeks and nothing is showing up. It's killng me. bllaaaahhhhh.  

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I'm not really sure where I got to mentally- physically i've been right here the entire time. Things have been stressful, the school work is getting intense, i gave in and admitted that I needed help by going to DHS. That was a blow to my ego. I never thought I would actually be one of the people that I always said were nothing but social leaches.(Don't get offended, people. Everyone knows how often people take advantage of welfare programs.)  Needless to say, that one hurt pretty badly.

I'm smoking again, I keep saying this is the last pack but end up buying another. I'm still seeing Ryan, i've not told him i'm smoking. I hide it pretty well. The guilt is awful but that next cigarette tastes so much better then the truth. I don't know why i don't just tell him- it's not like i'm eating pills again. I've not touched acid in ages. last time I smoked pot was months ago. I've done so well with everything emotionally up until just recently, smoking again almost seems like a metaphorical pat on the back. "Good job this month, Aubrey. Have a smoke in celebration."  ... Right. If i really felt that it was ok I would not be attempting to defend myself here. As for the ridiculous desire for intense physical attention, Ryan’s been very good to me. I don’t quite understand his motives; I’ve never had a guy who was the one saying “Lets wait” before. Hell… I normally don’t say it either. Aha. I suppose I just find it a little bit odd. I can feel myself pulling away from him, I know it’s silly though. He’s amazing! But it’s almost like due to the lack of serious physical action I feel as if I’m not good enough for him. Maybe he just does not want it? And if that’s the case…why the hell not?  I almost want to talk to him about this, but I’m not really ready to talk about these things to anyone else. “Hi, I’m Aubrey and I have a sexual addiction” is not something I find simple to say to someone when in front of them.

Blah.

So. The update in a nutshell…

·     She’s smoking again and is attempting to justify it rather then eliminate the problem

·     She’s thinking about leaving the best guy she’s ever been with because she’s not getting laid.

·     She’s in need of some guidance. More on the latter of the two issues being as she knows exactly how to take care of the first, she just doesn’t want to. Well, she does...she's just a little bit retarded.  

=( 

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful evening.
<3

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For a very long time I'd decided that an addiction was something that affect others in a negative way. What I'm doing? Well...it's only hurting me. I see now, after years of denying it and five different therapists that "Only hurting me" is just as bad as hurting others. I want it to stop. I want to wake up in the morning and not really care what anyone else thinks, but be completely happy with who I am.

I found that each time sexual discussions would arise in my counseling sessions is when I would withdrawal. I would stop going or turn things around on them to get away from that topic. I take pride in my understanding of the psychological tactics used in these offices- I do not, however, take pride in the way I would manipulate the conversations to avoid hurtful topics. Finally, after having my little girl and deciding to actually talk to someone i let it come out. I've been raped twice. The first, i never really thought of as rape but more of a very persistent persuasion. He kept pushing until I agreed. The second was brought on by my own stupidity. No....Allow me to rephrase that. I put myself into an unsafe situation, that part was stupid. His decision to take advantage of me was not my fault.

After dealing with the emotion aspect of the rapes, I decided to forgive them. I've found that letting go of that anger and that hate has helped me a lot. The second rape was pretty violent, thus leading to my "Need" for some kind of either emotional or physical abuse from a man. Most relationships i've been in were emotionally abusive, a few tied the physical abuse into the sex life.
I've gotten a lot better about that, i still crave it from time to time but I rarely act on it anymore. Perhaps I'm getting over that bit? I mean, I know I still have a way to go but knowing in the back of my head that I don't need to be beat up to be happy, even though I want to be, is a step in the right direction.

I've been dating a man for about two months, His name is Ryan and he's absolutely amazing to me. We've not slept together yet but have messed around. He's so outstanding that I'm really afraid he's going to see something in me that he doesn't like and that he'll leave. That's normally about the point that I start a sexual relationship; "gotta keep them satisfied or they'll find it somewhere else", right. Not this time. I'm not going to allow myself to cave so easily. I'm proud of myself for keeping strong this long, but it's getting hard.  I feel like i'm not fulfilling my duties to him, but in reality I know that i owe him nothing. I don't have to give him all of me, if he doesn't like what he's getting then he can move on.

Now.....to keep this attitude active and actually not give in- there is the challenge.

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