my stomach hurts! every single night lately or after i eat anything and keep it down, it just feels like something is crawling around in there and trying to claw it's way out. it's miserable and it makes me want to wallow around on the floor and fidget!!

anyway on a lighter note. i have only b/p one time today  and my boyfriend will be home from work in about an hour so that means if i can keep from doing it until he gets home that there is no way i will be able to do it more than one more time. but i think i'll be able to not do it at all again today... hopefully.

and besides that i have been working on the cover art for my book all day (which my hand feels like it's going to fall off) and my agent will be in town tomorrow

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so i just realized that most of the people spouting off to me on here, in my life, on myspace... are all doing the very thing that is driving me insane and causing me to uh what was it "pity myself". they are making assumptions about me and my life. they are expecting something from me without knowing who i am or my background or what is going on in my life. and i am tired of it. tired of it. and for the first time in my life i am able to SAY i am tired of it. that i don't need to be accused of things and that your opinion means nothing. i don't need to justify to candice why i didn't give her ride home, i don't need to justify to my boyfriend why i am afraid of sex, i don't need to justify EVERY LITTLE THING to my dad, i don't need to justify my faith, i don't need to justitfy to my sister WHY she needs to keep her word to me, i don't need to justify a vent-blog to a recovery website.

and i'm not really "offended" by the comments that were made, bc i am pretty sure they are meant out of caring or "tough love". but i only ask that people start TALKING to me about their opinions and maybe finding out WHY i am feeling a certain way, other than just dismissing it. because i will tell you that i have been told my whole life that what i feel/think/am/do/accomplish means ABSOLUTELY nothing and i have believed it religiously. i have buried every sad thought, every miserable thought deep down and swallowed it "because i don't deserve to feel bad". and i haven't. and now thanks to all that supression i am a vile disgusting creature with malfunctioning intestines.

and about trying to find help. ASK ME ABOUT IT!!

you don't know what i've tried to do to get help. you don't know WHY i don't leave the house. you have no clue. because you ASSUME. we are not all the same. we may all be sick or whatever. but i grew up surrounded by AA and i KNOW that everyone is different and classifying and characterizing everyone as one is a big mistake and will only to harm.

Tags: Serene

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so i was on myspace and i was just lurking thru all my old friends profiles. people i used to party with. people i used to talk to. people i used to love and who loved me.... and i see them now and they are all still friends with each other (depending on which group it was-- i was pretty social) and also friends with new people and they have all these party pictures, etc... and i know if i just saw them once, or if i just called them once i would be there... and it's like why am i not there? why why why? i see that there are GORGEOUS girls there and that is a hint in the right direction and then i also see that there are girls there who are not so pretty. and they don't care. everyone is having fun. drunk off their asses, smiling, and i should be there! i should be there drinking with my FRIENDS! and making new friends! and being someone i have never met in my life's best friend for an hour. i miss those times! i miss it. and it's like why? why can't i just leave the house? why i can't i just get over it? why am i unable to just go? to just hang out with my friends?

it's F***ing pathetic.

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in a response to the "self pity" angle most people chose to respond to my last blog with. i am taking offense.

i do agree actually with what you are saying. BUT you have to also realize that i am a person who NEVER thinks about myself and who never takes care of ME before other people. and i may not have spelled it out in the last blog but that was what i was getting at in the blog.

THAT I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE EXPECTING SO MUCH FROM ME AND FORGETTING THAT I AM HERE TOO. normally i can't even accept a compliment or when someone says they are proud of me bc i don't deserve recognition like that. i don't deserve to tell my sister that i have a problem with her showing up 5 hours late bc HER LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT. i don't have the lee-way to leave a friend somewhere even tho my bf was just raped bc HER LIFE IS PRIORITY. you telling me that me finally venting about this stuff is JUST SELF PITY causes me to further more withdraw myself and think that me caring for myself is just that: self pity, and that i should feel bad for doing it. 

Tags: Angry

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oh boy. it's been nearly a month since i have even signed onto this account. this is mainly because i have been doing awful both in my attempt at getting better and in my everyday life. i do not deal with my emotions well at all, and they have been going haywire recently. so right here will be my attempt at letting some of them out.

1: i have no friends.
i'm not entirely exaggerating on this one. not only have i always been very skeptical in the first place on who my friends are and if they can really care about me but i believe that my best friend of the last decade and i are now parting ways for good. i guess you could compare our friendship over the last few months to "the hills" on mtv; i am lauren and she is heidi with the asshole boyfriend spencer. to my glee they have just broken up. to my spiteful repulsion and hurt feelings i am glad (sarcasm alert) that the last two weeks of their relationship was worth losing me as a friend. see, i had a birthday party on the 21st of december and i invited HER, she brought HIM along without my approval. i was unaware that i would be her ride home in the morning as well. so the list of events that happen are: i am drunk, "spencer" lies to my effing face about something, "heidi" knows this and says nothing, i am black out drunk, i wake up naked in a robe in the bathroom feeling oddly dirty, i stumble to my bf and sleep for a while, he wakes me up at 6am and tells me that he is pretty sure he was raped or something during the night by a friend of mine, we are both SICK, the roads are icy as hell and it's snowing outside, i don't even REMEMBER that her and her ahole bf are there, and we leave.

she ACCUSES me of "sneaking out in the middle of the night" to avoid taking her home (even tho she lives 2 blocks from me), tells me that "spencer" has never forgotten her somewhere (well DUH the jerk doesn't have a car OR a license AND i mean a friendship of 10 years compared to a relationship of 6 months doesn't really seem fair), and then gets pissed and tells me that i shouldn't be so judgmental of him (AFTER HE LIED STRAIGHT TO MY FACE ABOUT SOMETHING HE KNEW THAT I KNEW THE TRUTH TO!!)

so we are done.

2: i am lonely.
my bf has been increasingly distant from me lately. i am finding it terrifying and also very difficult to not just sabotage the whole thing and run for it. but this is not being rewarded and i am ever losing hope for us. i have been telling him roughly how i feel without so much emotion and tears and he says he understands and blah blah he will work on it. but there is no change. i feel as tho he doesn't mind me around BUT that he doesn't necessarily WANT me there; make sense? and i really miss being wanted. we haven't had sex in probably over a month now. and not only am i already SO insecure about myself and never mind the fact that i only have sex for HIS benefit because the whole thing just freaks me out (he isn't aware of that) but he hasn't even hugged me for a few weeks. like i have to do it all. i have to be the one to initiate any kind of intimacy. that's not right.... even now... i just feel disgusted with myself. like why the hell doesn't he want me anymore? and why won't he just tell me? i'm not nearly as fat as when he met me.... like wtf.... i know it's me tho... and i just can't stand feeling like this pudgy perverted girl. HE should be hitting on ME and making me feel sexy. it's bullshit. and then when i mention any kind of weight loss he argues with me. like i know weighing 121 is overweight for my height and he argues and argues about it so that i won't drop to 100. it doesn't make any sense!!

and i just wish he would go away at the same time. like for my bday we went to the zoo lights (huge light displays at the zoo for Christmas) and it was freezing and he didn't even hold my hand... it's so much worse to be lonely when you aren't alone... God, i just wish he would go away!! 

3: i fear my parents are close to losing their house.
i can't talk about this one. there are too many underlying issues and i just... can't. it makes me want to throw my hands in the air, cry, eat, drink, sleep, and gives me a headache all at once.

4: my agent has the first chapters of my book.
nerve wracking. period.

5: i'm fat. 

6: my sister. 
my 12 year old nephew, zach, was recently visiting from colorado and he doesn't come up much. we grew up together but his dad got custody of him a while back. anyway while he was here my sister pawned him off on anyone who would take him. and don't get me wrong, i LOVE my nephew so much. i would adopt him if i could, hands down... but there was a small glitch the last night he was here. he wanted to spend the night at my house again and spend his last night with me (i'm an awesome aunt ) but our neopolitan mastiff had been sick, and zach gets night terrors like every time he sleeps over. a few nights before this he had been sleep walking even. and i hadn't slept in over a week at this point (trying to perfect my chapters and on a lot of adderall) and i just KNEW i would crash that night. i was afraid he might get up in the night, sleep walking or during a terror, and would spook our dog and she might attack him, since she was so moody. so i told my sister i didn't want him sleeping over but that i would take him home ANYWHERE she was as late as he wanted. she somehow guilted me into letting him stay and knock him out with benedryl. she PROMISED she would be there before 9am because they needed to be on there way back to his house in colorado by then. so i wake up early and i wait. and i wait. 9 goes by. she calls at like 10 and tells me she just woke up and she is hurrying. 1030 i txt her, she calls back and tells me she is just leaving. for the first time in my life i actually spoke my mind to her and told her i was upset and that she had promised to be there at 9. she FREAKS OUT on me, SCREAMING so loud my bf can hear her in the other room about how she has 2 kids and how i have no F***ing clue how hard it is for her to drive from one end of the valley to the other and on and on and on like it's my fault somehow that she has kids and that she had to F**k her bf that night in heber and pawn zach off on me. life WTF?! so then she says it is a 30 min. drive she will be there at 11. finally 130 rolls around and she gets here sometime after that. 4 and half hours late. NO APOLOGY.

like no one even thinks to ask me anymore if i have my own s**t going on. like they expect me to have this perfect life and be perfect and cater to them 24/7 and i am so F***ing sick of it. and i am just so sick of being accused of things!!

7: my grandpa.
well we recently had 2 more deaths in my family. and this is adding to the already long list of them i have experienced in my 20 years of life. like i have been to over 20 funerals, i swear. in 9th grade i lost both my grandma's and one of my best friends all in a 6 month span. well i don't deal with death very well. i laugh, i avoid, i pretend it didn't happen. in my mind i have come to realize that i have this reality that these people are all still living, but that i just haven't seen them in a long time.

yesterday my mom told me that my grandpa's cancer in his bones is spreading more and he will be starting kemo soon. this freaked me out bc my grandpa and i have a strange relationship. we both want so badly to know each other but we are both too emotionally constipated to connect. it's really tragic. it torments me. and now this puts the pressure on even more. and i am so scared he will die before i can get over this emotional hump/block i have or i will be so guilty for the rest of my life. 

now on top of this. my mom called today and told me that my grandpa is remarrying on saturday. not only do i not like this woman very much, i went to school with one of her granddaughters and i can't STAND her, but this, i am afraid, is going to force me to face my grandma's mortality, and that is something that i just can't deal with... she was as prefect as is possible to be...

i have so much more to say. so much to expand on, but i just can't. it's like there is a wall there. 

maybe i will write more tomorrow...

<--- love that guy.

Tags: Lonely

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i don't like to claim or bath in the glory that my life has been harder than anyone else's has been. i don't like attention or sympathy for the abuse i have endured and the childhood i was robbed of. i don't often acknowledge that i have hurt feeling or that i am damaged goods and in very real need of help. i cover these facts up with smile, humor, and above all my good nature to laugh at very bad situations (ie. dark comedy).

i don't self diagnose myself but it has become apparent to me that i have abnormal eating habits and thoughts. i have been clinically diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety and panic disorders, as well as obsessive compulsive disorder. now that these things are out of the way i will tell you my story, at least the "eating disorder" side of it; i have a hard time opening up my real emotions and putting into words much else other than fact... which means i cannot discuss my actual childhood horrors.

from the time i was a toddler until about half way thru my elementary years i was like any normal child. that is, i was constantly tearing myself down and beating myself up over how ugly and oversized i was (even though i have always been the shortest girl in the grade). as mentioned in "wasted" i always had the uh "elephant in a china shop syndrome" thing going on. it's all i can remember ever thinking of myself. i would refuse to wear leggings or skirts and i hated the way my butt and thighs looked in anything but overalls and big shirts. i was a tom boy so i could wear loose clothes and cover up my disgusting form.

when i hit about third/fourth grade i experienced my first real desertion that i ever acknowledged. that is someone stole my best friend from me (i'm sure you all remember going thru that stupid thing). it had happened before but this time i knew it was because of how ugly and fat i was. i just knew it. i stopped eating basically and would only ingest liquids unless forced to sit at the dinner table until i took more bites. i often slept at the dinner table.

when i was in sixth grade i had formed a very deep friendship with a girl by the name of lisa. it was unlike anything i had ever experienced in my life. i would get actually depressed when she wasn't around. she started leaving me for the popular girls in this grade... i started binge eating after school. horribly. she had been my only escape from the reality of my home life and my disfunctional family, and now she was gone. i sought comfort and i found it in food. this of course had a devastating effect on my self esteem. i never gained too much weight from it that i remember.

junior high came and along with it new friends. i found one girl that i fully trusted and to this day i still do. somewhere in the middle of my 7th year i started purging, and i told her. she made me research bulimia; i did, and i never told her again, though i continued to do it off and on. when i was in 8th grade i was again friends with lisa and we were happier than ever and closer than ever. i confided in her one time about purging. she lied and told me she did it too, and i think she started for a while. it hurt, i thought she was mocking me and if she wasn't i felt responsible for starting her on this path. i never told anyone again for years.

i'm not sure of the relevance of THIS part, but i'm sure it plays a role somehow. in 9th grade i lost both my grandmas (one of which i completely idolized and was the only family member not to get to say good bye, because i was lied to), and my best friend bret (who was 6 months younger than me and our mothers had carried us together). in my life i have been unfortunate enough to experience death quite a few times and to this day i have yet to let anyone go; i just don't know how to deal. i also distinctly remember every day eating lunch, going to art with my friends, immediately excusing myself to the restroom, finding the one no one was in and throwing up; every day... and i remember exactly how it tasted.

one day in high school i slipped my purging to my dad. he threatened to next time shove my head in the toilet and then he put my head through a wall. yes, i know aren't you ravingly jealous of my fatherly love?

during high school my habits varied from binging to purging to normal to starvation and excessive exercise.

i met a boy in 11th grade. he is my angel and our third year anniversary was this last november 1st. i told him and he has been nothing but supportive.

about a year ago, i thought i gained control and was recovering. i started eating healthier and more often but in small porportions that didn't leave me crying and purging in guilt. i lost A LOT of weight, very fast and by january i was obsessive again. i nearly quit eating completely and i reached my low.

i'm hypoglycemic and when this happened it triggered something.

i have been in a vicious cycle of binging and purging up to six times or more a day since about march with off and on starving.

i don't know what else to say. that's my sob story in a nutshell. if i get to know you i may open up some more, but you must aslo do it in return.

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i don't know if i did good or not yesterday. i binged at around 4 on cheddar and broccoli soup, rolls, and a sandwich. i purged of course and i think i got nearly all of it up bc i did it immediately after. i didn't binge or purge at all the rest of the day. now this would be a very positive thing but i think that i may have restricted a little too much. the weird thing tho was that i didn't want to eat. normally when i restrict i think about the food, i want the food, i think about, think about it..... and i don't eat it. but last night i had to force myself to eat some. i had all liquid for a while. like my blood sugar got really low (i'm hypoglycemic) and so i drank grapefruit juice and a little v8. the rest was coffee, water, and enviga drinks. when my sugar got REALLY low i had to choke down 5 saltines. then like 4 hours later i choked down 5 more before going to the gym. after that i forced myself to eat 120 cals in soup. that was all i had all day as far as food goes, besides the b/p earlier. 

today, i am sore, i am sick, i am cold....

right now i am drinking a starbucks frap... 220 cals....

i can tell my blood sugar is low but i don't know what to eat that won't lead to a binge. there is nothing in my house that is good to eat that has some good carbs in it! (oh and the frap is sugar free so that's not helping either).

now i am babbling.

Tags: Tired

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i do not know how i feel right now aside from i am on the verge of having a total meltdown! okay so here is the background for why. well i am an aspiring fiction writer and i am about to turn in the first portions of my first two books to the same editor who did harry potter... yes i know exciting. well here is the reason for my near meltdown. i think RIGHT NOW my laptop is crashing. i was writing, doing fine, and i go get a cd and put in to listen to and then i notice the whole screen is black, but like it's still on, and the cd is going. and now it turns on and it asks for the ps and then nothing... like it is doing NOTHING and i didn't have all my new stuff on a disk. i have the first drafts but the edit was so much better. and i am just.... (^$*@)&^)*$@&# right now.

i was about to start hysterically crying, freaking out, binge, meltdown.... just omg... like my career, my life, my words are in there... my story!!!!!! all my work. everything. and then i just stopped and told myself "it can be rewritten". it can be rewritten it can be rewritten.

i came to this bc i said "why would you do this to me?" to God and then i thought mabe he DID do this to me. maybe my book wasn't ready. maybe it needed to be revised MORE. maybe if i had sent it in as is it would have been rejected and shattered my dreams. maybe he knows that now IF i have to rewrite it, it will come out better. maybe maybe. pray for me. 

I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL MAKE IT TONIGHT.

THINK POSITIVE HUH??

pray for me... this is just devastating. and i am alone w no car. man i wish i had my car.. so could drive to best buy and get them to look at it.... but i am also scared of what they might say.... terrified.... i was going to walk but it's night and that's an expensive piece of equipment to lug all the way across town only for them to be closed....

i am still freaking out i guess... but trying to stay positive. trying so hard. i think i will work on the plot line (by hand) and try to come up w a cover....

all things i still need to do and don't have to have my laptop for... haha i love how i'm still talking... blah blah blah blah blah maybe that's all my book was, and NOW it will be much better... even tho i'll have to rewrite the last years worth of it all.

<--too cute.... i think i'll go for a run.

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