The Stones, Paul Simon, The Doors, Moby, Evanescence, Nickelback, Jack Johnson, Abba, The Bee Gees, Donavon Frankenreiter...

Anything by Coetzee; Disgrace & Waiting for the Barbarians are the two favs.

Most recently read The Tender Bar by JR Moehringer.

Currently reading "Dont let your kids kill you", by Charles Rubin and "The Intimacy Factor" by Pia Mellody... well, actually that ones being read to me. ;)

Pieces of April, Festival Express, Supersize Me, Once Around, Original Sin, Peter Pan (2003 release), Fight Club, Pollock, Cool Hand Luke, Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc., American Beauty, The Bird Cage, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, Crank, Death Proof, Marie Antionette.

My kids.
My lover/best friend/fiance.

Active in Girl Scouts, reading a good book. Huge movie theatre freak; good off the wall action, tearjerker chic flicks, anything fun, no gore or violence. yuck.

Crafty stuff; making memory boxes for my kids, redecorating, painting, stuff like that.

Would like to try candlemaking, stained glass, pottery, or learn to sew... something with my hands.

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So I thought I would change my About Me section, it was sort of bulls**t and not really saying very much of anything before.

Been on here a month or so and havent used it to my advantage so Im going to start over, kinda.

Quick background; I started drinking when I was 12. My girlfriend and I would sneak into our parents liquor cabinets like most kids did, only by the time I was 14 or 15 we spent most of our days in school hammered, how we never got found out I will never know. By the time I was 18 I had my first child and at this point, was hardly a drinker at all but I later turned into weekend warrior (in my mid 20's). It remained that way for years until I started dating a raging alcoholic who also happen to be my boss; my life was becoming wonderfully independent and dependent all at the same time. He was my alcoholic mentor, if there could be such a thing. Eventually I found a new lover; Key West. Key West and I had a great affair; I discovered I could go for days with sun & booze and noone to answer to or bother me, I had found heaven.

KW was the beginning of my end. I met the man of my dreams on one of my trips there, who I was absolutely not looking for at the time (um, the whole idea was to get away from men) but surprise, love doesnt always work with you and your time schedule. We had some great memories from there, some of which we actually remember... I also have some horrible memories... eventually reality kicked in as our lives were falling apart... and had become totally and completely unmanageable. Because of my alcoholism I lost my mind and began to get involved with things you see people getting arrested for on Cops. If a year earlier someone had told me my life would have been like that... I would have been offended and shocked. I couldnt believe the person I had become. An addict, a drunk, a fighter, a hater, a sad, scared, pathetic human.

I had my last drink on Sept 20 of this year... at the time my relationship depended on it, since then I realize that my life depends on it and frankly it is well worth it.

Since then I come to realize that I not only need to hand it over to God with the drinking,(and pray pray pray) but also the codependence (can you be codependent and alcoholic at the same time? I must research this one more)... I MUST lose the control, the need to protect, the fear and the insecurity... its hurting the one I love.
To be honest Im finding it more difficult to give up my codependent behaviors than my alcholic behaviors... am I making sense or sound like an idiot here? I dont know.

I think I have FINALLY realized that Im in control only of my actions and not anyone elses. Not all the fighting, crying and disappoinment telling in the world is going to make us stop what we are doing... or want to do.

I am coming to realize each day more and more that I need to work DAILY on my relationships, patience, tolerance and kindness.

I realize that my drinking only made me numb, not tolerant.

Im learning a lot more than I can post, or more accurately; WANT to post at the moment, but basically I like looking at your profiles and taking from them the things I need. I find there to be a lot of humility and raw emotion here... which of course is the point... but I just want to let you all know that I appreciate it.

I may be a quiet observer, but I AM observing.
And I may be a slow learner, but I AM learning.

Thanks.

my kids: Christoffer Doll, Johnna Beans.
my man: Tim, aka my Boomhauer. My hero.
my places: NYC, Annapolis & Key West.

Real people; dysfunctional and all, try to live by the belief in karma, believe true beauty comes from within. A constant work in progress & always working on being a better person.
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way".

selfcentered-ness, liars, haters, deceivers, lack of humility, selfishness.

I hate what addiction makes a person become.

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