Peace of mind is better than gold and just as precious.  But unlike gold, peace comes when we ask for it and let it happen-not when we go in search of it.  We look for a time to be peaceful.  But what may seem to be a waste of time can be just what we need-a spot of sunlight, soft breezes, the sounds of locusts humming in the night.  The little things calm us and bring us rest.  But the best comes when we release our hold on little cares, the voices that tell us how bad things are in the world-and just let peace seep in.  Nothing so becomes us as stillness and quiet serenity.  Nothing so aptly furnishes the background music like nature, the mockingbird's midnight song that expands our boundaries and enchants our hearts.  ---From A Cherokee Feast of Days by Joyce Sequichie Hifler  (April 8)

This is very annoying. I downloaded the Naomi internet filter and it keeps kicking me off the internet! I'm not going to any bad sites...I'm using sites such as Bloop Diary or like a search about education. I get kicked off multiple times a day! Is there any internet filters that will work with my computer and not against it?

Chanel xoxo

P.S. Oh & it's sad that no one wants to be my accountability partner :-(

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Here are some actions I'm going to take into recovery:

1) I'm [currently] downloading a free filter for the internet, or whatever they're called. 

2) Speaking to my mentor about my falls or wanting to fall.

3) Try to find accountability/recovery partners. [If you want to be one of mine, send your email address in a message only please.]

4) Throw a blanket over the TV or take a walk whenever I feel the need to look at suggestive material.

5) Write MORE in my so-called journal.

6) Look over my Setting Captives Free lessons.

7) Do ALL of my searches through GoodSearch. [Which donates to charity every time you search ]

8) Try to find more telemeetings, which are more affective than the online meetings.

I'm trying to do whatever it takes so I'm strong against the devil. I'm getting there slowly, but I really feel caught between him and Christ right now. And I want to be on Christ's side  I would love to join the accountability group on here, but that's too early for me. Seriously, I have my classes & other things in the morning, it's not the right time unfortunately. Hopefully there will be another one at another time.

It works if you work it

Take care everyone!

Chanel xoxo

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There is a famous Zen story about two monks who had taken vows not to associate with women.  While out walking one day, they came to a river that had to be forded.  A woman on the bank needed to cross as well but couldn't do it by herself.  One of the monks carried her across on his back.  Once on the other side, he put her down and the two monks resumed their journey.  After about ten miles, the other monk finally spoke, saying angrily, "You shouldn't have carried that woman."  The first monk just smiled and said, "I put her down ten miles ago.  Why are you still carrying her?"  Are we going to be like the first monk, who simply does what needs to be done without preconceptions, or are we going to be like the second monk, who carries not only the weight of his own judgment but the burden of others as well?  This Step (Step 10) gives us the technique to become clear and spontaneous.  It allows us to pick up and put down with the same mind and with the same results.  ---from The Zen of Recovery by Mel Ash (page 84)

So today was my bf's bday. I wanted to celebrate with him, by talking to him & saying happy bday to him. But he had a lot of work to do & was doing it all day & night. I got consumed in bad things as well & was depressed. But I didn't act out that much to it. Blah. I need something on this darn computer to stop me. Nothing works. I can't believe God's watching over me & protecting me still. I don't know if I should be upset about that...I think I should suck it up & stop being a baby over it. My gift is getting to him late anyways & we can just celebrate then.

Thanks for all the love & support. I will get back to you guys soon.

Chanel xoxo

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So what's so bad about pornography?

I spent 20 or so years pursuing pornography in its various forms.  In the years since I was set free in 1998, God has been helping me see and understand his perspective on pornography.  I created this page to share that perspective and answer the question, "What is so bad about pornography?"  Overall, porn affects every viewer negatively, regardless of religious belief, creed, gender or age.   Here is my list of reasons that explain why.

1)  Pornography feeds lust of the eyes and lust of the flesh, which are never satisfied.  It leaves the viewer craving more and more in order to achieve the same "sexual high."  It easily enslaves people to their own cravings and opens the door to other forms of evil, like anger, abuse, violence, hatred, lying, envy, compulsiveness and selfishness.   The power behind porn is revealed when the porn addict tries to stop their habit - it is virtually impossible without help.  

2)  Pornography sexualizes the viewer's mindset.   It warps and perverts their perspective such that sex is unnaturally elevated in their thoughts.   Porn's images are stamped into viewer's  brain with the aid of hormones released during sexual arousal.  Even if a person decides to stop looking at porn, the past images can remain for years or even a lifetime.

3)  Pornography promotes destructive practices and can lead to progressive addiction.  For example, porn sites routinely link viewers to depictions of every type of sexual perversion imaginable, such as child porn, homosexuality, bestiality, necrophilia (sexual interest in corpses), masochism (pleasure from abuse or suffering), rape and sadism (gratification from inflicting physical or mental pain on others).  The viewer's exposure to such themes naturally increases the likelihood that they may attempt to act out what they've viewed.  This can lead to sexual crimes, a la the late Ted Bundy and Gary Ridgway (The Green River Killer). 

4)  Pornography intensifies an individual's drive to serve oneself, rather than serve others.  For example, masturbation, which typically accompanies looking at pornography reinforces a self-centered sexual orientation (i.e. lust), which can detract from a person's ability to give and receive love.

5)  Pornography addiction can lead to debt.  The convenience of credit card transactions on the internet encourages covert spending without limit.  Additionally, pornographers flood common internet areas with enticing banner ads ("teasers") and spam email, which bait potential viewers with free porn.  Once lured by the free porn to the site, the viewers must then pay to see more.  

6)  By viewing and/or purchasing porn, viewers are supporting the porn industry and facilitating its growth.  By viewing porn, the viewer is also contributing to the sexual exploitation of whoever or whatever is in the images he or she is viewing.

7)  Looking at porn can damage the viewer's family relationships, not to mention increasing the chance of his or her spouse and children finding the material.  Porn may also inspire the viewer to explore incest, which is a common porn theme.  Other things porn may inspire in the viewer (which could in turn affect the family) include sexual frustration, lying, abuse, affairs, debt, violent behavior and irrational thinking.  (see Testimonials on how porn destroys lives)

8) Looking at porn at work could damage the viewer's reputation, decrease his or her  productivity and lead to job loss.  It could also inspire unhealthy and/or inappropriate relationships with co-workers.

9)  Looking at porn can damage the viewer's current or future marriage sex life.  Porn viewers may find that it's difficult to enjoy true intimacy with their spouse when they're fantasizing about somebody else!  Additionally, porn builds an unrealistic perception of sexual relations.  Porn sex is a portrayal or an act made for the viewer's enjoyment.  It takes what God intended as a private expression of love between a husband and wife and prostitutes it for entertainment.  When a person has been looking at sexual pictures of other people for entertainment, he or she will have a downgraded value of sex.  This in turn will detract from  their appreciation and value of sex with their spouse.

10)  Looking at porn will increase the viewer's tendency to lie, because he or she will have a natural desire to keep it secret to avoid criticism, embarrassment, shame and/or having to surrender their habit.

11)  Looking at porn can lead a person into masturbation addiction.

12)  Looking at porn brings serious spiritual consequences  (see consequences page).  For example, it opens the doorway to spiritual oppression and confusion in the viewer's life.  The power behind pornography is inherently evil.  It seeks to control and dominate the viewer's life, while allowing other forms of evil to gain influence in that person.  Once a person starts looking at the porn, their eyes become the gateway for the evil power to enter them.  As it gains influence, the evil can numb the viewer's ability discern right and wrong.  As traditional moral values are blurred, confusion sets in.  

13)  Looking at porn helps you start to believe the lies it promotes.  Examples lies include:

• Sexual freedom = happiness
• Perverted sex (homosexual sex, incest, BDSM, etc) is more enjoyable than "normal" heterosexual sex
• There are no consequences to sexual promiscuity
• Sexual expression is a right, not a God-given or God-defined gift
• You can live a healthy life with the porn images floating around in your mind
• Porn doesn't harm anyone
• Sex is something to be done primarily for self gratification
• The porn stars are the happiest people on earth
• Adults can view porn without any lasting side effects
• Porn will help your sex life
• Porn is just a harmless thing that everybody looks at
  
  
  
  I've got myself looking at porn & a racy movie the past 2 days, but I escaped it. I found out how repulse I really am from it. The devil's trying to trick me into thinking that it's okay & it's satisfying. It's really now. It demolishes women and it's disgusting. It's not me. It's not who I want to be. I want to walk in the eyes & grace of God, my savior. I just wish I had a sponsor or an accountability partner to go through this with. I almost had a sponsor, but I haven't heard from her since the meeting. Please pray for me, in hopes that I find one. I need all of your prayers right now. Especially with some of the stress I'm going through. I found a great filtered search site called Good Search so that'll help  But I wish I could have filtered internet software for free. *sigh* Take care everyone & g'night!
  
  Chanel xoxo

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The more stress we have the less we like other people-and ourselves.  A little pressure is sufficient.  Stress can be productive if it is something we like doing.  But when we can no longer ka no gi a, enjoy and sing about life, we need to re-evaluate the direction we are going.  It is impossible to withdraw from every problem, but neither can we go on without some relief.  Being responsible is a natural part of life-very necessary to living well and being contented.  To find a happy medium is to center ourselves where peace and answers can be found.  It does not come from the noise and complaints of the world-but from the secret place of harmony and strength within the heart.  It is a place that must be added to and kept harmonious, for it gives us poise and renewal when we need it.  ---From A Cherokee Feast of Days by Joyce Sequichie Hifler  (March 10)

Sorry, I haven't been around. I've been really busy with my new job lately & I'm not used to be so tired! I'm also figuring out which school I want so that's not easy either, heh. There's two good ones for sure. I'll just ask God to help me & guide me in that process as well.

Well, my first day went great! I was totally nervous & wondering what I was going to get myself into. The ladies were pretty intimidating. I got trained by a lady named Cookie, who was very nice. We were demonstrating pizzas that day. I got into it...It just came to me naturally. I think it was like God gave me a little push & I did it! I was awesome with talking to the customers and getting the pizza in & out since they were flying! I was really proud of myself & Cookie said I did excellent. I'm so happy :-) But I know I'll be by myself on the floor next week & that will be interesting! Haha. But I know I can do it!

Other than that, I'm healthy, strong & sober. Just taking it day by day.

Hope you're all well!

Chanel xoxo

P.S. I've been wanting to ask but keep forgetting. Does anyone know of any website blocking software that doesn't have any bugs & won't ask for your password each time you get on the computer? I had SafeEyes but it had too many bugs, even though it was excellent :-( Please let me know!

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O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds, and whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me!  I am small and weak, I need your strength and wisdom.  Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset.  Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice.  Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught my people.  Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock.  I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy---myself.  Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes.  So when life fades, as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame.  ---Traditional Native American Prayer in Earth Prayers edited by Elizabeth Roberts and Elias Amidon.  (page 188)

Not only is this computer screen like a sleeping pill, but it's hurting my eyes and head now. I should go to bed soon.

Well, orientation was long and boring. Lot of paper filling out & stuff. Watched a few job videos and had a tour of the place. Even got introduced at the morning meeting, which I hated. I hate it when people look at me. I hate having people's eyes on me. I'm very nervous and unsure about the job though. I hope I can do it, but I'm not sure. The great thing about Sam's Club is that you can put in other positions that you're interested in and you get first come, first serve if there's an opening. So sounds pretty darn good to me. You can even work your way up to management. So that's good if I stick with a business program, instead of liberal arts or marketing even. I'm still debating on schools & stuff. So it went well, but I'll be doing only computerized training tomorrow for like 4 hours. Not so bad. So Sunday's the big day!!!!!

I'm gonna get going. I'm gonna talk to my bf. He might put me to sleep with his scientific lectures  G'night!

Chanel xoxo

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Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God.  Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him.  As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps.  We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him.  To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.  It is open, we believe, to all men.  ---Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) (IV edition page 46)

I couldn't relate to the subject at my meeting today. I'm not totally sure about what the traditions mean. Maybe I should look into them. I've been more into my workshop right now, which is going great. But once that's finished, I'll be doing the 12-step work again...And hopefully with a sponsor again. I'll just keep praying to find one.

Anyways, I'm currently thinking about transferring into a Catholic college. Don't know if I mentioned that already...But I feel it's in my heart of hearts to study liberal arts in a Catholic setting. Hopefully, I can transfer my credits though!!!! I have to speak with some today.

I'm nervous about my orientation tomorrow. It's going to be a long day so I got to go to bed early. I'm sure I'll do fine :-) I think I got my registration packet from the postal office today. I'll be studying up on that while I work at Sam's Club. And if I passed the exam and LAND a job, then I'll just give Sam's Club my respected 2 weeks notice. That would be quite the curveball that God throws at me  Obviously because the money is there & it would help me & my mom out. Possibly may help us move too sometime. And I could transfer to California when I am ready to move there & live near my boyfriend & go to school there.

I hope everyone's doing well. Today looks great out. I may take a walk.

Take care!

Chanel xoxo

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There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance---that principle is contempt prior to investigation.  -Herbert Spencer from Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) (IV edition page 568)

I went for my interview with Sam's Club on Friday for the demonstrator position. It went so well I had 3 interviews in 1 that day! I met with the demonstrator manager, her supervisor & then personnel. I had to fill out forms & submit to a drug test & had to wait for those results & the results of the background check to go through. So I passed & I have to go in for orientation on Wednesday! I'm psyched & nervous about this. But if God thinks I can do this & if they think I can, then I can This is definitely different from any other job I have had in the past.

I'm gonna go for now...Take care everyone!

Chanel xoxo

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We should understand well that all things are the works of the Great Spirit.  We should know that He is within all things, the trees, the grasses, the rivers, the mountains, and all the four-legged animals, and the winged peoples, and even more important, we should understand that He is also above all these things and peoples.  When we do understand all this deeply in our hearts, then we will fear, and love, and know the Great Spirit, and then we will be and act and live as He intends.  ---From The Sacred Pipe, Black Elk's account of the Seven Rites of the Oglala Sioux (page XX)

I was just thinking that the devil gets us at our weakest moments. That is when we're tired, depressed, discouraged, frustrated, angry, jealous, or having low self esteem. That goes for just about any addict too so watch out!!!!!!

Wish me luck at my interview tomorrow

Chanel xoxo

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