Dear Lord Jesus, I praise You for coming to dwell in my life by grace through faith. I hope in You now for the daily rest my weary soul desperately needs, Amen.

I'm still here & struggle here & there...I just need to be stronger to win the fight of my addictions with God by my side. Why's it so hard to keep Him by my side?

All that stuff disgusts me now & I'm realizing that. I'm finding myself to be slowly in His grace & presence again, & I'm loving it. I did have a depressive episode yesterday where I didn't feel "enough" for me or my boyfriend. I'm just making a mockery of God for that...But it's my self-esteem, I had to learn how to deal with that & my emotions that were pouring out of me. I'm usually the type to shut them up instead. Bring all your weaknesses into the light.

I want to get a Christian Accountability/Bible Study group together by this summer.

I hope you're all doing well...I still think about you guys!!!!!!

Chanel xoxo

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Lord Jesus, I look at Your life on earth and I see the obedience that I yearn to experience. I know that I can not produce such a life on my own. I think of You living in me, and I have hope that I can grow in obedience. So, I place my hope in You to express Your obedient heart in and through my choices, my words, my actions, my entire life, Amen.

It's been a while & I've been very busy. I'm busy with finishing up school this semester, figuring out about taking medical administrative assisting instead, babysitting & working. All of that is going pretty well though...Can't complain. I'm over 70 days of sobriety & going on strong, hopefully! I still don't trust that darn TV in the living room at times. I know that the devil is fighting to pull me down with him, but I want to live according to Jesus Christ. I give myself to Him each and every day. I've been reading His word again & it feels so good.

Although my bisexual tendencies are creeping up on me again. There's this new girl at work who I think is cute, & seems to be very friendly with me. For a girl. I don't fantasize about her...I don't fantasize about anyone anymore. But I'm afraid I could become obsessive about it. I think it's okay to be curious, as long as I'm healthy about it. I just want to become her friend & feel her out...I don't want this to turn into LUST.

Other than that, been talking to an old friend & we're going to make plans to hang out sometime.

Take care & I hope you're all doing well!

Chanel xoxo

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O God of mercy and grace, You know how often discouragement rolls over me like crashing waves. Please remind me that my service unto You depends on Your mercy and grace, not on my capabilities or performance. Thank You, Lord!

I should NEVER be under the influence of anything because it will just make me tempted. I am better than that. Amen.

I hope to keep in touch with someone on here who I have my addiction in common with & who I hope I can impact & vice versa  

Hope you're all doing well!

Chanel xoxo

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Dear Heavenly Father, I long to be more like Your Son. Forgive me for neglect of Your word. Please draw me consistently to the scriptures, that I might humbly behold the glory of Jesus. Thank You for the work of Your Spirit, who is able to transform me into a growing Christlikeness, Amen.

I definitely need to read not only my daily email bible scriptures, but the scriptures out of my book as well. I need God to give me a little push to do that

Anyways, things are going okay. I'm going to transfer into medical assisting this summer. I want to take that. I feel like it's my calling & that I can get more of a lucrative career out of that. I want to work in the office & not deal with blood, needles or any of that icky stuff  But I think it will be very interesting for me since I love to help others & it'd be nice to have a job that affects people's lives.

I love talking about God and spreading how great he is, but in a humble way. So I'm thinking about joining a bible or young adult Catholic group as well. That's soooo hard to find around here, but I'll keep looking. Sometimes the newspaper has a section about certain groups as well.

Other than that, I'm 56 days sober & I'm not wanting to act out! Sometimes the devil tries to make myself feel like I'm "boring", but I love this new person that I'm becoming. I want to live in the light of the Lord.

Take care & I hope you're all doing well  I love that face.

Chanel xoxo

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Father, I admit a tendency to reduce life with You to following regulations. Help me to live by the work of Your Spirit within my heart. Through Christ I pray, Amen.

Instead of wanting to follow through with acting out tonight, I just found a way to block the channels on the On Demand. So I set it & it's blocked! I just hope I won't get the feelings to unblock it. That's easier to do on the TV than it is to do on the computer. I'm just really happy about that & feeling safe right now

Work's going okay...Got a little uncomfortable the other day with all the older men customers that were there. It's a store that attracts a lot of male customers and I get uncomfortable around other men. Especially those that are older. Funny because I get attracted to those the most....My addicted side does. Because it likes to seek comfort & attention that it never had when I was younger, because I never had a father growing up. So I don't know how to act around men, so I was feeling quite anxious. Especially when I saw a good looking older gentleman checking me out & I caught myself doing the same & obsessing over seeing him again. But I thought about God and just began to feel guilty because it didn't feel right to me or my boyfriend. After my break, I started to feel better though.

It makes me sad to know that no one wants to start an accountability group with me  I've posted on the bulletins, forums, everywhere & nothing. So I guess I'm still alone in my recovery...At least I got my mentor & God with me.

Take care everyone & I REALLY hope you're all doing well!

Chanel xoxo

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Dear Lord, my sufficiency, I repent of my frequent tendency to look to myself to find personal adequacy. How vain and hopeless that is. Lord, teach me to hope in You for everything I need for godly living, in Jesus' name, Amen.

I think I'm going to take matters in my own hands now...Sometimes that's a bad thing, but I'm doing it for good today.

I was thinking that there should be at least an open accountability group that's very Christian/Catholic/Spiritual and deals with all sorts of addictions. You'll have accountability "friends" or "partners" [much like recovery partners] that will keep daily accountability with each other by messaging on here, and email and/or phone [if you feel comfortable]. With a nice Live Chat room that hardly gets used, we can use it for even MORE daily accountability meetings or check-ins at a time that's right for everyone.

I don't know, just an idea that's flowing into my head right now. I could make the group sometime and do it from there. Or if you're interested, just leave me a message. Hopefully this could take off. Not only can I benefit from it, but I'm sure others on here as well could too.

Take care & be happy & healthy!

Chanel xoxo

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O Holy Father, I long to grow in these godly traits. I am not sufficient to produce them by my resources. My only hope is to be changed by You from the inside out. I humbly bow before You. With confidence in You, I ask that You unleash Your grace upon my heart and mind, as I seek You in Your word. Through Christ my Lord, I pray, Amen.

Life's going pretty okay. Recovery's getting better at least. At least I'm not dabbling into things, I'm not supposed to be. Like pornography on the internet or sexually suggestive stuff on TV. I have the K-9 internet filter as you all know now, and it's great! No bugs, no nothing. It's not so "in your face" either in case my mom would ever ask, "What's this? Why do you have a filter on the computer?" Because you know, I'm 22 years old. But this is something I'd definitely want for my future kids someday. It works as well because as I was searching on how to block the On Demand station, I tried getting into a forum that asked, "How to block porn on your cable channels," it blocked me! Because it said porn it  As for the TV, I can't block out the on demand channels. Which sucks. I don't know why that's not an option. But I'll just keep busy with my hobbies.

Anyways, life's going okay. Keeping busy anyways with my hobbies now. I'm on a collage & sewing frenzy! I got to sit down and teach myself how to sew sometime. But I haven't been feeling well so I will soon....I'm not getting enough hours at my job though. I want at least 24 a week & I can't even get that. Why did you hire me if you can't fully schedule me in? So this week I only get 16 hours & 8 hours the next week. Ouch. They're already cutting my hours. I'm so glad I'm babysitting again. Every little bit helps.

So I reapplied to another bank so we'll see. I wish my tax refund would come in. Jeez. They set a deadline for you do to it so fast, but they can't send them out so fast. That's the American way!

Well, take care everyone & I'll talk to you all soon.

Chanel xoxo

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Dear Lord, I humble myself before You. I do not want to be a hypocrite. Work in the depths of my heart by Your mighty grace to create in me godly sincerity, through Christ I pray, Amen.

I have on demand on my cable TV, which is channel #1, and I was wondering if I could ever block that? If anyone has that, please let me know. That's the only channel I would ever look at since we don't have any movie or adult channels on our cable plan. I'm just sick of finding myself looking at sexually suggestive matieral on there. I even can hear the background music playing in my head. UGH! Take it God, take it away from me! Anyways, I was just wondering.

And to make it even harder between us, my boyfriend are having some sort of riff. He had to go and say that I don't care to listen to his problems. I do too care! So that makes me very angry and hurt inside. I know that he was stressed when he said it, but that was very ridiculous and uncalled for. Especially for all the things that I do for him.

I hope everyone's doing well & take care  I love that mustache smiley.

Chanel xoxo

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So I've finally got a good filter that works and doesn't have any bugs. I'm pretty happy with that :-) It's the K-9 filter & I'm just really glad to know that i have it. And I don't feel so tempted now, nor will I want to take this thing off my computer. It's not something I see myself doing. I want to be healthy & happy :-)

Anyways, things are going pretty good. It's hard with my boyfriend because of the distance and we're both working now. Our weekend may be shot to tell because I'll be working but we'll get it together. We always do.

So I was in a depression chat in IRC yesterday & was telling people about that. Or one person & they were asking if I had any hobbies that I wanted to do. And dur, I do! So I want to catch up on my sewing, reading, writing my novel, tons of things that I want to do & learn. But I lost them all along the way because my addiction consumed my life and I waste my time being online. That doesn't help either. So I've been sewing & collaging and it's been fun :-) I'm really enjoying it. It's really relaxing.

I think I shall get going though. I gots to get up early tomorrow and I'm talking to my boyfriend while IMing my friends.

Take care everyone & be well!

Chanel xoxo

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