Dear God of heaven and earth, I desire to please You by a life of faith here on earth. Help me to walk closely with You day by day throughout my pilgrimage here below. I eagerly anticipate the day that I will forever be with You in the fullness of Your glorious presence in heaven above, Amen.

I found out through my half brother, Rahmal, that my dad's in the hospital. He has been since Monday. I guess he had a fall or fell off of something. It's weird because he's usually a very strong guy. But I'll give him a call today and see how he's doing. It's going to be weird since I'm not close to him. I don't know if I ever will be. I don't know if I'll ever get over the pain I have from not knowing him and not having him in my life. It's hard. It's hard to care...To reach out to him and tell him. It's very hard on me.

I have such a headache right now. I hate headaches and everything about them. They do not make you a happy person.

I don't want to fail my Microsoft Word project just because I never downloaded Word 2007. And I have a hard time downloading it since I'm on dial-up. And I'm having a harder time converting my Word 2003 software as well. I'm hoping that someone can help me.

Well, take care and have a good weekend everyone.

Chanel xoxo

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Dear heavenly Father, I want to be a true spiritual worshiper of You. I repent of any sacrifices that I have offered from self-interest or self-righteousness. I want to offer my worship to You through faith in Jesus Christ, my Lord, Amen.

I'm lazy, lazy, lazy...I don't want to do my research project. I'm too lazy to research =/ And I even found great resources as well! It's on HIPAA so it's a lot of reading for sure. I just want to find the answers and be done with it. I did start, but I should continue it some more this afternoon/evening. I got to get going and finish my scholarship so I can send it out by December as well!!!!!!! Nothing much else to report.

Take care and be well!

Chanel xoxo

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Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Creator of heaven and earth, I bow before You in faith. I rejoice in the assurances, convictions, and understandings of faith. I have a deep desire to obtain a good testimony through faith in You, for Your honor and glory, Amen.

I woke up with a headache today. It was hard to concentrate on my classes, but I tried. I'm glad that I'm making friends now in my courses and have some people to study with. It's great....I'm loving medical office assisting. It is so much better than marketing. There's a lot more work than marketing as well. I have to do a research project on HIPAA. It should be interesting though and it will help me understand that policy.

It's very hard to balance school, work, friends, recovery, and everything else in between but I'm trying. I'm glad I'll have time to clean the house and get some things done today that I really need to do. I'm looking forward to that. I hate the fact that Mother Nature makes me cranky, even though I shouldn't be...I don't want to be cranky. God's never cranky, so I shouldn't make up excuses to get all cranky. Cranky brings anger, anger brings the devil.

Anyways, I'm already thinking about Christmas. I've been creating a shopping list for some people. I'm not buying too much this year though. I can't. I have to consolidate my credit cards and pay those off. So it's going to be a tight Christmas, but I won't let it get to me. I want it to be a good one anyways and it will be a good one. Gifts aren't everything. Spending time with loved ones is what Christmas is all about. But it's so commercialized just like every other holiday in America now.

I am thinking about Halloween and wondering what to do. I want to go to a horror movie film fest but I'm not sure if there's one around here. I like those type of movies and they don't affect me in any way. Unless they're really gruesome, then I'm going to cringe of course. But that's what Halloween is all about to me...Getting spooked  It's better than trying to cram myself into a "sexy" costume for attention. Not good for someone like me.

Take care everyone and I hope you're all doing well!

Chanel xoxo

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Lord Jesus, the world has surely brought me many difficulties and temptations. Yet, You are the overcoming victor, so I look to You for personal victory day by day. How blessed I am to have living in me the One who is far greater than the enemy who roams about in the world, Amen.

This weekend wasn't too, too bad...I got my flu shot and I survived it as well!!!!!!! I was nervous but I prayed and prayed, and it did work! I prayed as they gave me my shot too, lol. I just turned the other way and silently prayed as I let them put the needle in my arm. It didn't hurt...It just felt funny. I could feel the injection going in. Yuck...I don't even want to think about that. It hurt which makes me act like a baby about it  But other than that, it went well...Better than I thought. But of course, getting all worked up from the flu shot made me forget my cell phone that day. That really sucked.

Anyways, we will be having a major meeting at work this week. It was going to be on Thursday, but almost half of us couldn't attend [myself included] so it'll be on Friday instead. I heard it's going to be a "beaut" of a meeting, if that's how you say it. It should be interesting...I heard various things it could be about like our new scheduled lunches, our new schedules, or the Taste of Sam's Event. We may fight to change our dress code, which is to wear black and white only. Boring. Do you know how hard it is to find black and white clothing. Someone from outside the department enforced this dress code while other demonstrators in other Sam's Club stores can wear color. I don't that's fair or right. Plus, the members love it when we wear color. Color brings liveliness, energy...Black and white brings misery, lol.

Well, I'm bored with my Word and Excel class right now. It's downright boring. But I'll muddle through with it. I'll do what I do and I'll pass  I'm passing along smoothly anyways.

Take care everyone!

Chanel xoxo

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Dear Lord, even as You are faithful and true, so Your word is faithful and true. I began by a faith that was stirred through the gospel message of Your word. I know that I can only grow in faith as I humbly receive Your word into my life day by day. Lord, I long to live by faith that I might grow in Your grace, in Your holy name, Amen.

I'm sitting here constantly thinking about my flu shot tomorow which grosses me out. You just don't know how much it grosses me out. It's to the point where I can even look at needles, because if I do, then I'll get weak, nauseous, and want to vomit. It's not just the pain, it's the looks of the needle. I don't want to see it, I don't want to think about, I don't want to KNOW about it. I thought it was just me that felt that way, but it's actually a phobia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trypanophobia

I'm glad I'm not alone on that. I don't know how I'm going to get over that fear tomorrow...I haven't had a shot in so long too. Last time, I had the flu nasal sprays, which you don't hear about anymore. But I got a cold from it shortly thereafter. So I'm going to have to conquer the shot no matter what. I am strong...I am brave. I am a wussie.

I also realized that I have mysophobia [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mysophobia] which is a fear of being contaminated by germs and dirt. It's worse for me though. I can't be in a public bathroom or a dirty lunchroom without thinking about the dust and dirt around me...I think it's going to literally "jump" onto me and I'm going to be consumed in it. It's really bad...I've always had that feeling I suppose. I only feel the safest at home, except when I'm cleaning the bathroom.

So the only way of getting rid of these phobias is to do cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what Tim uses for his social phobia. Hopefully he can lend me the tapes some time to use. I could really use it...It doesn't bother me to know that I have these, but I don't want to worry about little needles or dust mites. Worse things can happen

Anyways, I'm glad my mom is talking to me now...I just wish she wouldn't meddle into my private life and respect the fact that I don't want to discuss some things that happen in my relationship with Tim. Tim and I had an argument, but we straightened things out. It's hard being in a long-distance relationship where you're so insecure with yourself. You want to trust the person, but you can't help feeling the way that you do.

I should comment some people on here to see how they're doing  Take care...I have a long weekend of work ahead of me!

Chanél xoxo

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Dear Lord Jesus, I thank You for being a fully reliable witness. I trust in You because You are faithful and true. Your trustworthy witness has rescued me from hell and headed me toward heaven, protected me from the father of lies and made me a child of the heavenly Father. Your witness has brought me to life everlasting. I praise You with unending gratitude!

I am here...I am back. I'm sorry I haven't been around here much. This place seems empty sometimes. But I figure if I stick around, then people will come back =) Eventually...I know you're all busy and I understand that. I've been busy myself.

I started my classes in medical office assisting, & I love them! I'm doing so well too. I've got a 4.0 GPA which I never had before. I've always struggled & barely made a 3.0 GPA. But I feel like this is my calling and this is what the Lord has given me to do. It's His gift for me. I really feel that it's something I must set out to accomplish. I want to help people and care for people anyways. More than I do for myself, unfortunately. After I finish this, I'm going to continue to get my degree in M.A. with the helps of a scholarship hopefully!!!!! I really got to write that out soon even though it's due by December. I'm such a slacker...Help me not to procrastinate?

Work's going well although there's been some drama lately. I decide to avoid that and I hate the idea of the cliques going on...But what can you do? I'm just trying to be peacemaker among everyone, even though I'm realizing some people's true colors. But I just want to keep my mouth shut and do my job. I'm supposed to get an upgrade from demo to membership, but I'm not sure when that's happening. The store manager seems to have it on hold for now so I don't know...I'm not sure about it but it would be nice. I'll have to stick it out in demo a little longer

My recovery's going okay. It's getting a little rocky lately with all the financial, family, personal, and relationship stress going on. I see myself gravitating away from God. And I'm not doing The Cross workshop as much. So I got to get back on track because with that, I look up stupid things that I shouldn't be looking up. It's not even that satisfying. God is. Love is. Tim is and he's going through the same kind of addictions as me so we're working on it together, which is hard because you have to be completely honest with each other. It's hard to hurt someone you love so much. But at least I don't webcam or do cyber sex/phone sex chats behind his back anymore. I'm glad for that! So I'm slowly getting there...I have no use for those anymore. I don't for porn either, but that's still harder for me to get rid of. It's nice to have a man who understands you and respects you about those things.

So now I want to focus more on God and The Cross workshop and get my act into gear! Stress won't take me away from Him!!!!  I'd like to join some SLAA/SAA meetings again, at the right times.

So I'm making the effort to get on here every morning after my classes. And probably during the night as well. I hope that everyone's doing well and I've seen your comments...Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I haven't forgotten about you. Take care and be well!

Chanel xoxo

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Hey guys, I'm still here and around. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting this place, but it seems like there's only so much that you can do on here =) And there's a lot of people that have seem to disappear as well.

I've been through a lot of great stuff and bad stuff this summer. I'm going through a real stressful month with financial woes, school  loans, and losing hours at work. But things should pick up soon and get better...I'm feeling positive =)

As for recovery, I'm still taking it day by day. I finished my Purity Course by Setting Captives Free. Now I'm doing The Cross, which my mentor suggested. It's hard because I have no mentor to work through with, so it's not as motivating. I had a slip but I'm stronger than I used to be. I still got to be careful. I don't want to have a down fall.

So I shall be around a lot more lately. Even with school, I will make an effort =) I hope you all are doing well!

Chanel xoxo

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Lord Jesus, I rejoice in You as my ark of safety from judgment for my sins! Please remind me at the sight of every rainbow that You keep all of Your promises of salvation, Amen.

My boyfriend told me that he was looking at porn last night & felt disgusted. I'm disgusted with myself & him...I know I've done those things & have been addicted to it. But this is really shocking & really hurts me right now. I don't know what to do. He's looking at other women...Nude women...Women that are doing God knows what. When I did that, I didn't mean anything against him...But it makes me feel less desirable & it turns me off to him. It's been a stressful week with him on top of that, so it just makes me want to throw in the towel. I just don't know what to do now.

Even though I was lusting after someone's pic online, I still feel like that's worse. Am I so wrong?

Chanel xoxo

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Dear Father, I seek You for a heart that is fully committed to Your will. May I delight in Your will each day. May I speak of future days only in terms of Your will — "If it is Your will, I shall live and do this or that."

I finished my 60 day Setting Captives Free Course. I may have to redo it down the line, but I'm very happy about that. My mentor has been so great & helpful with it. I will need an accountability partner still of course. And it's hard to find one. I will have to find an older, mature lady at a church. That's scary but it's something I'll have to do. I had some possible ones before, but now I lost them all :-( Anyways, I hope you're all doing well. Take care & keep in touch!

Chanel xoxo

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