Grandfather, Look at our brokenness.  We know that in all creation only the human family has strayed from the Sacred Way.  We know that we are the ones who are divided and we are the ones who must come back together to walk in the Sacred Way.  Grandfather, Sacred One, Teach us love, compassion, and honor that we may heal the earth and heal each other.  ---Ojibway prayer from Earth Prayers edited by Elizabeth Roberts and Elias Amidon.  (page 95)

I certainly have strayed & am still broken. The funny thing is, I've heard others in my group say that we are not "broken", that we are just "sick". I don't like the word sick...Makes me sound like I'm twisted. Do they mean sick as in ill or sick as in crazy-minded? I still think they're referring to the crazy-minded. I'm not ill either...It's not a disease, I don't think. We all have addicted personalities. Some may discover it, others may not. [Lucky them.] But we're the ones who delve into this disease & could not come out on our own will. Cancer finds you...Cancer makes you sick. You find addiction, sure addiction can make you sick. Especially if you're addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc. But we are broken. Our souls are broken because we latch onto this addiction, this clutch to fill our joy, happiness, insecurities, depression, self esteem, etc. It's our way of "living". It's our way to get "by" in life. But we must fix that way of living...We must figure out what makes us whole...What good things we must factor into our life that we shut out due to addiction.

Everyone's also talking about their "drug of choice" lately in my SLAA group. I wonder, "What's a drug of choice? I thought porn, masturbation & fantasies was mine." Then they talk specifically about who or what that is...I'm thinking mine may be one of my guy friends. He likes me. I don't like him. He's sexually attracted me. I lust for him. He could be trouble for me. But I can't stop thinking about him & I certainly don't want to lose my friendship. I have to think about how many friendships I lost due to my lusting. That's sad...I can't be friends with a male now? No, that's not true because there is a few that I can talk to without thinking about them romantically or sexually. So I just wonder sometimes if it's normal or if he is my drug of choice. Certainly doesn't help right now when I'm missing my interest, the one I wrote about 2 entries back. I wrote him a long letter stating how I felt about him & about how much he hurt. He has yet to write back.

Well, this was a thought provoken & long entry. I shall return soon though. Meeting time.

Chanel xoxo

Tags: Reflective

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Tags: Reflective

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There is a famous Zen story about two monks who had taken vows not to associate with women.  While out walking one day, they came to a river that had to be forded.  A woman on the bank needed to cross as well but couldn't do it by herself.  One of the monks carried her across on his back.  Once on the other side, he put her down and the two monks resumed their journey.  After about ten miles, the other monk finally spoke, saying angrily, "You shouldn't have carried that woman."  The first monk just smiled and said, "I put her down ten miles ago.  Why are you still carrying her?"  Are we going to be like the first monk, who simply does what needs to be done without preconceptions, or are we going to be like the second monk, who carries not only the weight of his own judgment but the burden of others as well?  This Step (Step 10) gives us the technique to become clear and spontaneous.  It allows us to pick up and put down with the same mind and with the same results.  ---from The Zen of Recovery by Mel Ash (page 84)

Oh, how I love that thought. I've read another story like that in one of my Zen books. How completely true that is. I have to think like that in my everyday life. It may sometimes, be easier said than done!

I've been reading the Big Book which has been great. I'm reading a chapter [or maybe more] each day. It's really interesting. I shouldn't have let this one slip by me before. It really hits hard. This should be mandatory material for everyone. It could change you.

I'm really upset right now with this guy I like. He knows I like him. I have really deep feelings for him, and he has said he has some for me as well...Which is kind of hard to believe right now. Let's see, he was incredibly sweet to me on Monday night. Really romantic. Nothing bad. Then last night, he talks about some woman's "assets" & how she was looking at them with those "assets". Then he had to add, "I thought of you & how much prettier you are." Well that's reassuring!!!!! Not. What am I going to say, "Like, okay, that is so like, sweet of you!" [Sorry, I get all valley girl when I'm sarcastic now.] You just don't say that to someone you care about...I know it's human nature to look at someone & maybe their certain body parts. But you don't go saying that to someone you really have major feelings for. If you really do have major feelings for them in the first place...Who would do that if they major feelings for someone? I've only done that with my ex, out of jealousy. We would always find ways to make each other jealous. It wasn't a healthy relationship. Now I've learned. And I wish this guy would do the same.

So I left him a message saying that I couldn't talk to him right now...Let alone, think about him. When I'm ready, I'll talk to him. But it'll have to be completely platonic. Why do I always fall for my best friend?

I just hope that these feelings [disgust, insecurity, sadness, nausea] won't get me into trouble. I'll have to keep myself in check with myself & with my God. I'll be attending a meeting & working my steps. I'm on the LAST of my step four by the way!!!!!! But then I'll read another chapter of the Big Book & do some reflecting & walking. Exercising helps too. With good music :-D

Well, I'm going for now...I hardly write on the weekends so don't wait for me!!!!

Love, Chanel xoxo

Tags: Disappointed

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In all this talk about spiritual devotion, there is one simple fact.  You have to like it.  It should make you happy.  It is unfortunate that so much coercion, unhappiness, bitterness, guilt, and fear become wrapped up in spirituality.  Why can't we simply do things out of joy?  Practicing spirituality isn't a matter of drudgery.  It isn't for fitting into a social group.  It has nothing to do with status.  Being devoted to holiness in your life is a matter of joy and celebration.  When you sit down to meditate, a smile should come to your lips and a feeling of joy should permeate your body.  When you go to consecrated ground to give thanks and celebrate, you should do so not because of the day of the week or out of the habit of ritual, but because this is the best way that you know how to adore your gods and express the wonder of being on this earth.  Yes, yes, there is much unhappiness in this existence.  That unhappiness is part of the overall field of negativity.  There are also positive things in life, and spirituality is foremost among them.  So whenever we practice our spiritual devotions, let it be in gladness and joy.  ---365 Tao, Daily Reflections by Deng Ming-Dao (page 315)

So I want to be honest with everyone, right now. I've been struggling. Every month is hard. Every DAY is hard. It's bad enough that I'm 21 & I'm trying to figure out my life. Recovery is like having another life in itself. Especially those who are close to you, don't know what you are going through. If only they knew the frustrations, anger, depression that I have from time to time mostly stems from this. But I've made some realizations with myself, especially at my meetings. I think my God was trying to tell me these things all along & I wasn't really listening. I'm never a good listener half of the time anyway.

I have to let myself know that I'm powerless over my sex, porn, fantasy & love addiction. "YES I'M POWERLESS!!!!!!" I want to shout it from the rooftops. Let it be known. But I don't think that would be an easy task. I'll let it be known when I'm really on the road to recovery. I have to let that get into my brain & let me feel that sentence though. I have to look at myself each day in the mirror & let myself know that I'm willing to change this. I feel as if my addictive side has been a bit too strong for me lately. I feel powerless over her. My sober state gives in to the fight too soon, too often. It's time for a change.

I've been in therapy for the past month or so, and that stuff does work! I would like to take some more therapy in the future, but it's made me realize why I do what I do...And you never really think of that because that's been like a security blanket for you. A way for you to defend yourself. It covered a lot of things such as depression, jealousy, insecurities, relationships, addiction, etc. I'm amazed by what I've learned. I want to go back & read my therapy journal sometime.

I keep thinking that I don't have "time" for my recovery. I should start thinking of it as a new pet, or a new full-time job. I do have time for it because I NEED it. I want to be healthy. I want to be sober. I need recovery to have a healthy relationship with myself, my God & with others as well. I'm going to read at least 1  or 2 chapters of the Big Book everyday, attend meetings, work on my steps [step 4 is long & drawn out, is that my addictive side talking?], talk to my sponsor & others in recovery as well. It's easy to lose touch with people but I'm looking for some friends in recovery or recovery partners. Someone I know I can turn to & tell anything & everything about. Because they can relate to me. Even though my best friend knows about me & my condition already, I feel I can't just throw all my problems on one person.

I'm also a born-again Catholic. I'm taking a chance into believing my faith & my God again. I want to trust Him with all my heart & soul & I hope that He can trust me as well. But I haven't been much of the good Catholic lately...I can't be hard on myself though. I must take it "one day at a time", but I sometimes feel that enough's enough. I'm still spiritual, but I know my Catholic faith is still something that's sacred & important to me.

I want to write in this journal everyday. I should take the time to write in it everyday...I just feel like I'm boring. I should rant, cry, praise myself, or throw in my daily spiritual quotes & refelect on those when I feel I have nothing to say. I should praise myself more often. But we all have something to say...We're in recovery. This is a big journey to a new life!!!!

Well, I must bid adieu for today. I hope you're all doing well. Your comments & messages make me smile, even if I don't respond to them all.

Love, Chanel xoxo

Tags: Serene

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I haven't heard a word from my sponsor & this is the week where I'm feeling down & depressed. This is perfect...Talk later.

Chanel xoxo

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I'm feeling pretty good lately. Still have my struggles though. I think I will always have struggles, but I'll just get stronger & stronger as time goes...I'm learning to love myself & not blame myself for anything. I gotta be grateful for life & what I got.

I have a great sponsor & she's been helping me through this...I feel like God has brought me to this site so I can find a great group of people that I can rely on.

There's someone that I want to be with, but I have to take it slow right now. He wants to anyways since we haven't shared all of our secrets. I am not healthy enough to be in a relationship right now, but it's nice to know that it could happen in the future. He's been through some things w/his life as well & hopes that I don't think any less of him...My fear is him thinking less of ME after he hears what I'm all about.

I've been busy w/school & work. School especially. It's exhausting. I'm not doing so good in my major. I took up a photography class & passed that w/flying colors. So I'm wondering if I should further my fashion/photography career & just get a certificate in business. No way can I spend long hours & months & years in school. Plus, I really don't have the funds no matter how much I try. So we'll see...Hopefully I can figure it all out in a few months. I'm tired of changing my mind.

I hope that everyone is doing well. Take care & BE WELL :-)

Chanel xoxo

Tags: Reflective

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But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 53

Can these words apply to me, am I still unable to form a true partnership with another human being? What a terrible handicap that would be for me to carry into my sober life! In my sobriety I will meditate and pray to discover how I may be a trusted friend and companion.

I will update sometime soon :-)

Chanel xoxo

Tags: Serene

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It's been a while since I last posted. I've been doing pretty good. Have my share of ups & downs of course. My sponsor is great, couldn't have asked for anyone better. I love my support groups & meetings. I have faith in my HP again. I just gotta take the time to pray to Him more & talk to Him more. I know that he's there for me. I've had a month of sobriety even though I had a mental break down about wanting to act out. I'm trying to be just friend with the opposite sex right now, although that's hard. I almost got way too involved with one of my guy friends for the wrong reasons & I had to set myself & him straight last night. I have one interest but it's best to be friends with him right now...Like me, he has his faults & we'll figure each other out more & more as time progresses. It's best not to rush into something when you don't know & care about someone completely. I want that. I don't want someone just "because" which is how I'm always feeling. So I'm working on my Step Four which is hard & overwhelming. It's gonna take me some time I'm sure...But I feel like reviewing my Step Three again. Something or SomeOne is telling me to...I have a REcovery Journal that I made on this computer since I'm no good w/writing my thoughts anymore. I need to type EVERYTHING out now lol. Stupid technology :-P But that's working well for me. I'm gonna put more in it then just my steps when I have the time...I think that's all that's going on for now. I still got two classes this summer with work, meetings, working out & whatever else included. Just thought it was the appropriate time to update :-)

Ciao everyone!

Chanel xoxo

Tags: Serene

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I can't believe all the out pour of comments I've received in my past entry. I thank you all for that. This site is amazing. The support is awesome & the people here rock. No matter what addiction we have, we're all here for each other. And that's what makes me come back here everyday. I've never even seen such love & support from the SAA/SLAA group let alone. So this never ceases to amaze me. Or however that saying goes :P

I've got a bit of a cold right now so my thoughts are jumbled. I've been going through a lot of things with work, school, friends & family. All happening at once! Finances too, ugh. But I'm pulling through & we're all pulling through...I'm not gonna let anything or anyone bug me right now!

I've found a great [temporary] sponsor on here. Last week I was acting out & was at my lowest, low. If there's such a thing because I'm not sure how low you can hit...I feel that it's low already that I have this addiction. Idk how to explain that. But I'm 7 days sober. I just hope that I hear from her again. But I understand if she gets busy. I don't wanna be annoying & all. I think our addictions make us a bit self centered. Lol.

I'm trying to see this in the lightest way possible...I'm working on myself before I get involved with anyone right now. I found out some of my negative relationship qualities that I don't like about myself & I need to work on that. My jealousy is becoming almost non existent...I feel as if I objectify those girls who I feel are more beautiful than me still. I still get those negative thoughts in my head still like, "Oh she must sleep around a lot." Stupid stuff like that, but I'm trying to work on all of those.

I got a lot of problems lol. I wonder if it's worth getting into a relationship with myself. But my best friend told me last night that I should learn to love myself but I love someone else. And that's so true, maybe I don't love myself as much as I "think" I do. Idk, I'm a mix of insecurities as I've heard before.

Well, that VA Tech thing is really scary. It's a shame that this killer couldn't have been stopped before. There were so many clues that he wasn't "well". It just makes those who are depressed & are anti-social look "insane". Like anyone is going to go around & shoot people for no reason. Even if it's over someone they think they "love". People like that just make people who are dealing with depression look bad. If you know someone like that, or if you are like that, please get help. It's really worth it...It is.

Well, I gotta get going. Talk later sometime. Be well all!

~Chanel~

Tags: Happy

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