I would like to thank you for your kind and supportive comments after my relapse at the weekend, you have resored my faith in humanity, but more than that you have inspired me to just get up, dust down and get to a meeting.

So, thats what I did, I went to a meeting yesterday and found support and understanding there too.  I was so glad I had gone, I listened to others and shared how I was feeling too and just felt so uplifted that I had gone and participated.

Now I have to manage this demon on my shoulder, and keep her out of my head.  I have come to realise that I am not doing enough to take care of myself, especially mentally.  So that is something I need to address with immediate effect, I dont want another relapse I want to stay well and sober.

So with very baby steps I begin again, with your support I can....

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I am feeling pretty down today.  After doing so well I have let my freewill get the better of me and drunk again.

Sometimes I just feel at a loss with myself.  Its almost a self punishment, I do well, dont feel I should be doing well, talk myself out of recovery, get drunk.  I can see this pattern as clear as the nose on my face, but when it comes over me like a wave I almost cant stop it.

Last year was the first time I took the decision to stop drinking, I went to my first AA meeting and found kindred souls there who were not going to judge me, who understood the difficulty, and for the first time I felt I could be free.

Of course, after 2 weeks the old demon on my shoulder starts saying; 'why you hanging round with these losers?' 'you are not an alcoholic' 'dont be stupid you can just have a few, its fun!' and all the other usual crap that my demon tells me.

So, I quit AA and carried on like nothing had happened, but a few weeks ago I once again felt strong, I felt ready to tackle it again.  I went back to the meeting where I was welcomed once again with open arms and I felt good. 

But demon isnt going to let me go that easily and once again starts telling me: 'you are nuts, you are not an alcoholic, what the hell are you here for?!'

So, I once again give in.

This is driving me mad.  I need to squash this demon in order to get on with my life, drinking has cost me my figure, relationships (although I now have a very supportive husband) but most of all its costing me my mental health.  I am a long time sufferer of clinincal depression, one drunken episode can bring on a week of horrific depression for me, but will I stop?!?!

In the few times during the last year that I have managed to stop drinking I have felt alive, my mental health has begun to improve, my general moods have begun to improve and I have just felt better.

I want this to be my incentive.  I want to be sober.  I want it badly, but I dont know how to get this wretched demon off my shoulder.

I am going to put last nights episode behind me and start again today, I have to....

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