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I was blessed this Friday morning by a devotional reading that is beginning to "soften me up" after a long, challenging, hard but encouraging week. Sometimes I get a little calloused, perhaps "deadened" by week's end and need to remember what it's all about, what we're all about---love and strength and light and peace and sharing and caring and healing and so much more---the blessings that give life it's deepest meaning and worth living for; as well as teaching us about sacrificial living. Let me allow this morning's devotional reading to speak for itself in that softening process: When George Matheson, the blind Scottish preacher, was buried, they lined his grave with red roses commemorating his life of love and sacrifice. And it was Matheson, this man who was so beautifully and significantly honored, who wrote the following hymn in 1882. It was written in five minutes, during a period he later called "the most severe mental suffering" and it has since become known around the world. O Love that wilt not let me go, I rest my weary soul on Thee, I give Thee back the life I owe, That in thine ocean depths its flow May richer, fuller be.
O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee,
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's glow its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee,
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to hide from Thee,
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red,
Life that shall endless be.
There is a legend of an artist who had found the secret of a wonderful red that no other artist could imitate. He never told the secret of the color, but after his death an old wound was discovered over his heart. It revealed the source of the matchless hue in his pictures.
The moral of the legend is that no great achievement can be made, no lofty goal attained, nor anything of great value to the world accomplished, except at the cost of the heart's blood.
Tags: Love Sacrifice Healing Power Of Living Words
It seems like almost every other day some pain deep down begins to surface and I am forced to face it, acknowledge it, share it, and, with the Spirit's grace, not only let go of it, but often allow it to be transformed, recycled. The often painful process of doing this seems to create a more sensitive path within me, freeing me up to be more compassionate, listen to others, or at least slow down and not take myself too seriously. I was reminded of this by reading some thoughts from Henri Nouwen this morning about allowing our Higher Power to heal our wounds. He writes: We do not have to escape our pains...we can mobilize them." The pain associated with grief, loss, and illness at times can be immobilizing. But at other times, especially when it comes to emotional pain, we can find a way to 'work with' the pain and try to redirect the energy involved....The anguish of grief might, over time, be transformed into a sympathetic ear or shoulder you can lend to someone in the first throes of loss. You have been there, which means a lot to those for whom grief is new and raw.
The most encouraging words for me from Nouwen this morning, which became my morning reading/devotion were: We are each totally beloved by God." This insight---which Nouwen arrived at only after many years of anguish and interior struggle--is possibly his greatest gift to humanity. It sounds so simple and obvious, but do we really believe and live as if we are totally beloved by God? Or do we hold back because we have rejected parts of ourselves that we are unhappy with or ashamed of? God's unconditional and absolute love for us just as we are is really quite a radical idea when we consider how conditional and conditioned so much of human affection and loyalty is. Friends come and go, even our closest loved ones are capable of rejecting or betraying us, but God (as we understand Him) never does and never will. Instead, God embraces the rejected parts and heals our sense of brokenness. But it requires trust on our part. As Nouwen said, "Trust that God is enough for you."
I am thankful that deep, daily inner healing is not only available but it is crying out to us to trust enough to allow that healing to take place....a healing that helps us remember how much we are loved.
Tags: Deep Healing Recycling Transformation
I got "lost in the story" about the 'crazy' recovery preacher in my last blog, not at all what I was going to write, but thank God for blessed-distractions---it had been a long time since I had remembered that story and if you want an audio copy or the words themselves, it's under Wayne Watson's Greatest Hits Album. How good to get "lost in the healing, recovery stories of each other's lives." That's what so many amazing AA and NA meetings are about---The Blessed Lost-ness of those who found their way back to Hope, prodigal daughters and sons who came way, embraced by their Loving Father, waiting. I wanted to share two paragraphs out of book I am reading/reflecting/practicing. The first sentence caught my eye regarding my need to rest, slow down, hear the still, small voice of my Higher Power and be recreated in thay process. Whether I do this or not seems to depend on what I think I will find: Our willingness to REST depends on what we believe we will find there. At rest, we come face-to-face with the essence of life. If we believe life is fundamentally good, we will seek our rest as a taste of that goodness. If we believe life is fundamentally bad or flawed, we will be reluctant to quiet ourselves, afraid of meeting the darkness that resides in things---or in ourselves. As I reflect on this paragraph I think of the first months and even year of my recovery and sobriety---impossible to find much of anything to rejoice in or laugh about, let alone find any kind of rest. It was all about survival---physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually---my head was barely above water. But I found out that my Higher Power did not teach me to swim to let me drown. I was learning to tread life's deep water and rip tides better every day...at least every couple months. Now, just over two years, on many days I am being filled up to overflow into the lives of others, while on other days, I wait to receive that overflow from those I desperately need. A closing paragraph speaks to me about what it means to be in communion and fellowship with others who are broken and hurting. It touches me not only in it's deep simplicity and presence, but also in it's natural healing and pushes buttons inside of me that I want to continue to be for others. God's blessings and courage to us as we receive the strength to "companion" with others as we are being "companioned." When people share with me their sorrow and suffering, at my best I am merely a faithful companion, watching for the wholeness embedded deep within their fear and confusion. For a time, all they can see or feel is the cold, cutting blade of their terror, the ache of despair, the burning sadness. My work is to be good company, to allow them to lean for a while on my unshakable belief in their inner fire. Even on the days I cannot do more than this. Then, slowly, in their own time, their bodies open, they begin to feel and taste the possibility of this wholeness for themselves. This fundamental goodness always waits for us to discover it, if we will only gather together patiently, and listen.* _____________________________________________- (*Wayne Muller, Sabbath, Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in our Busy Lives.)
What a weekend....strange, when I'm under more pressure and have less time to stop, be still, and reflect---I often make time and that time is multiplied. When I have more free time in which to rest and reflect, I am often more restless. I think the Spirit gave me a new, reflective book---Sabbath, finding rest, renewal, and delight in our busy lives---just because I was entering this restless period; and that in itself, is a deep sign and blessing. To make peace out of chaos, recreation out of ashes, a new life out of brokenness---what a gift.... It reminds me of a story about an old, poor man in recovery who used to sit on the corner of a busy street in Chicago, crying out to all who would listen: New Lives for old, Warm hearts for cold, have I got a deal for you today, c'mon step right this way, and get your NEW LIVES FOR OLD!!! Many people would just pass by and laugh thinking he was crazy....Years later, another man in recovery had heard about this recovery-preacher and went to that very same corner in Chicago. He saw a magazine vendor there and asked him about that man, if the story was true. The vendor responded: Thank God that crazy fool died last Spring. The young man responded, In that case, I'm picking up where he left off, 'cause I'm push'n the same thing: New Lives for old, Warm hearts for cold, have I got a deal for you today, c'mon step right this way, and get your NEW LIVES FOR OLD!!! What a miracle for us blessed to be clean and sober THIS DAY....we've received new lives and warm hearts for old lives and stony hearts. We can hardly believe it's true! And, even while others may laugh, we know....and while those who carried that message to us are no longer here, we can pick up where they left off 'cause we're push'n the same thing......
Tags: Resting Stopping Being Reflecting Believing
I was reminded again this morning how my Higher Power can take the simplest "lunch of a young boy" and multiply it to feed others, as I took a little time to reflect on yesterdays reading that I missed. It was Halloween---but more important, Reformation, and the reading assisted me in that slow, growing/groaning process. It mentioned "sighs and groans," and got me thinking about those words being an apt description of my own recovery. I remember how slow and painful it was, often difficult to see any progress at all. I often heard myself sighing and groaning, amidst tears and clenched fists, wringing hands and weak knees, waking up for months with a sick stomach and enduring sweating, sleepless nights.The words "sighing" and "groaning" are part of the consequences of years of my use, misuse and abuse of alcohol. The powerful application for me this morning is that those very words are part of my healing and recovery. I was reminded that although my sighs and groans emerge from my using, God's sighs and groans emerge from His intervention. Yesterday's reading was that solid gold verse from Romans 8:26-27: We do not know what to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with SIGHS AND GROANS that are too deep for words. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. The Spirit's intervention, when I was powerless, provided the power in an intervention that saved my life, and perhaps my soul. The words "groan" and "groaning" now become words of "grow" and "growing" --- we can grow through our groanings, and the Spirit's groanings through us. But we have a daily choice. It seems to me that I can groan downward or upward: I can "groan downward" with little hope or strength, spiraling into the depths of my own pity, depression and powerlessness; or, with the power of my Higher Power, I can "groan upward," letting go, letting God---my palms up to receive the power to turn it over---palms down. How amazing and miraculous that just at the right time, there is a Divine Intervention, the Spirit intercedes with sighs and groans too deep for words.....And, when I have trouble believing this, I can just keep reading.....the very next vs (28) reminds me that through it all, ALL THINGS, not just some things---all the crap and self-destructive actions on my part, WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD, and are working together for that good. So, by that grace I am "growing up," or "groaning up" in my daily recovery. To that growth and groaning together, as the Spirit pushes us to inspire one another for greater, daily recovery. Ken/pr
Tags: Ransformation Healing Recovery
I STEPPED OUT IN FAITH a few days and a few blogs ago, saying that I stopped praying for patience years ago, and that I couldn't do it now, sort of fearing all the stuff that might happen so that I will be made more patient.....I realized that was superstitious thinking and for me, living in fear---projecting my poor theology on my life and in the process, missing out on many daily blessings. So, since I still couldn't do it, I asked my Higher Power for help in two ways: 1) Give me the desire to desire it; 2) Spirit in me, pray through me, in spite of myself, my self will, my limited understanding...pray through me for greater patience on a daily basis.
Well.....it's been happening without me having to have an accident, fall down the stairs, etc....But, it's happening slowly and I catch just little glimpses now, like the saying of one in AA the other day who is deeply prone to impatience, blurting out, "bull-dozing" others, and dominating discussions and relationships. She's praying for patience also and is learning the phrase again, and again: 1) Does it need to be said??? 2) Does it need to be said by me? 3) Does it need to be said by me NOW???? I AM learning to listen more without blurting out, cutting people off, and missing the blessing that they would have given me without my interruption.
Part of this patience-process is "built-in" for me now, as I am humbled, having to be an intern, with a supervisor, after decades of being a key leader and prime-mover, getting my way, being creative, and able to try almost anything new. Now, I am "forced" to shut-up and listen, "regurgitate" mostly what my supervisor says in his presentations, and be "corrected" frequently because of my impatience, thinking that I need to say it, NOW, and other things that are painful, but are assisting in developing my "department of patience." I hate it on most days, but in some ways, the worst is behind me. I have surrendered for the most part, and if I don't on any given day, I am soon forced to getting on my knees again by individuals and circumstances about me. An added gift to assist in this patience-development was given to me when a book jumped off my shelf the other day that I just know, down deep, was written for me....In fact, when I opened it, there were some pamphlets in there that could only have been dated back to a few years ago when I went into in-patient treatment for alcoholism, but I don't even remember this book. Of course, I don't even remember tons of stuff that happened back then, with my life and body "detoxing" and very slowly healing, making a wide, crawling turn around the broad, very scary recovery mountain pass with seemingly NO GUARD RAILS. The book appropriately is called SABBATH, (Finding rest, renewal, and delight in our busy lives). That sounds OK, but it got better when I opened the first page and saw that the writer, Wayne Muller, dedicated this book to "Henri Nouwen, My Teacher and Friend." Some of you know that Nouwen is the author of so many practical, spiritual books written through his vulnerability that are easy to quickly absorb and sponge-up for inner healing. Henri Nouwen is also the originator of that great, well-worn phrase: The Walking Wounded Have Become The Wounded Healers........ I think I will be littering my future blogs with "blessed nuggets" from this book. In closing, let me just share the two opening paragraphs with you: In the relentless busyness of modern life, we have lost the rhythm between work and rest. All life requires a rhythm of rest. There is a rhythm in our waking activity and the body's need for sleep. There is a rhythm in the way day dissolves into night, and night into morning. There is a rhythm as the active growth of spring and summer is quieted by the necessary dormancy of fall and winter. There is a tidal rhythm, a deep, eternal conversation between the land and the great sea. In our bodies, the heart perceptibly rests after each life-giving beat; the lungs rest between the exhale and the inhale. We have lost this essential rhythm. Our culture invariably supposes that action and accomplishment are better than rest, that doing something---anything---is better than doing nothing. Because of our desire to succeed, to meet these ever growing expectations, we do not rest. Because we do not rest, we lose our way. We miss the compass points that would show us where to go, we bypass the nourishment that would give us succor. We miss the quiet that would give us wisdom. We miss the joy and love born of effortless delight. Poisoned by this hypnotic belief that good things come only through unceasing determination and tireless effort, we can never truly rest. And for want of rest, our lives are in danger. Thank God as we understand Him for slowing us down, even through the disease and "gift" of alcoholism, so that we can work the Steps and receive the Promises. In that REST,
Ken.
Tags: Sabbath Rest Time Out
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE.......this site sort of reminds me of coming into an AA meeting----always the "regulars," always someone brand new, always someone returning after being away.....but always much energy, honesty, openness, strength and healing. I'm so thankful also that when some of us are down, others of you are up, and vice versa....It is a cyberspace family, but SO MUCH MORE---it's inexplicable and probably simply has to be enjoyed, sometimes with tears to see how much so many on this site, over the months, have grown--have come into their own---are coming into "their right minds," their healing minds, their amazing, beautiful recovery-minds.....I see it all the time here and where I work---something to be celebrated, because as we celebrate we will be carried through the OTHER DARK TIMES----the relapses and deaths and overdoses...the helplessness of sitting here, speechless, "write-less," not knowing what to share because we're so overwhelmed by the other's losses, deep depression, and crying out for help..... I thank my Higher Power so much this day for beginning, maintaining, and growing this site for thousands of members whose efforts are multiplied to many thousands more, simply by the inspiration, wisdom, and healing, as it is carried to "just the right person out there," that we can share with. It is an incredible miracle, always unfolding before our eyes......this day, and every day. I'm thankful that I can see it today, and not be too overwhelmed or "under the pile," or too busy like on more days than not.....And, I am especially thankful that when I can't see it, being self-absorbed, running to a meeting, or overwhelmed by trying to live life on life's terms---that many of you take my hand, give me a cyber-hug, calm me down and are compassionately present. Thank you..........I am so grateful to be together with those of you who have been here, those brand new today, and those that will be coming.... In that peace that passes all understanding, Ken/pr
One of the beautiful gifts of recovery is restoration--and beyond restoration--of the way our Higher Power created us and is re-creating us. It's beyond words....it's KNOWING. As my mystic friend and spiritual work supervisor often says," We're not human beings together, we are humans BEING." Or, "Be still and KNOW," as Ps. 46:10 whispers in it's shouting.
I've been challenged in going beyond words in the last few months, trying to express something much deeper---a presence and power contained and flowing through the love in each of us that is multiplied as we give it away. But often we must use words....or to paraphrase Mother Teresa, "Share the love of God everyday in every way to everyone, and only when you must, use words."
The 'must' of words for me is slowly becoming what I consider to be the best of poetic thought---common words put together in uncommon ways to express timeless truths, emotions, feelings, and those intangibles, often "inexpressibles," beyond words. It's like Picasso, who often took ordinary things (bicycle seat and handle bars) combining them in un-ordinary ways, creating an extraordinary art piece (a bull with horns).
I am thankful that the outcome of the Steps and Promises are extraordinary blessings, beyond words, lived out in our ordinary lives.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
RUMI on knowing ourselves Suppose you know the definitions of all substances
and their derivatives,
what good is this to you?
Know the true definition of yourself.
That is indispensable.
Then, when you know your own definition, flee from it,
that you may attain to the One who cannot be defined,
O sifter of the dust.
Tags: Beyond Words Passion Knowing
As I sit and wait for a recovery friend to stop by this site to share how goes the recovery roller-coaster, how prayers are answered, how changes--even baby steps---are being taken, I think of this whole recovery journey as waiting for each other---waiting in love, in hope, in healing..........As I wait here I look up gifts that are received from waiting.....I find a book by Holly Whitcomb entitled:
Seven Gifts of Waiting. Looking through the book the "seven gifts" are shared:
1) The First Gift of Waiting is PATIENCE
2) The Second gift of Waiting is LOSS OF CONTROL
3) The Third gift of Waiting is LIVING IN THE PRESENT
4) The fourth gift of Waiting is COMPASSION
5) The fifth gift of Waiting is GRATITUDE
6) The sixth gift of Waiting is HUMILITY
7) The seventh gift of Waiting is TRUST IN GOD.
I stopped asking my Higher Power to teach me to "WAIT" or to be more PATIENT years ago, but that doesn't stop the Spirit's 'blessed intervention" in my life in hundreds of different ways that daily teaches me how to wait.....and wait on that Spirit, though that's been a little hit and miss lately......I'm being slowly drawn back......but it's hard....hard to let go.....As many of you are reading this you're probably thinking, "Tell me something I don't know?!!!"
Tough stuff, but blessed stuff.....Does true waiting actually produce gifts like those seven above? Can I wait long enough to find out?
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief......give me the desire to desire it.....Lord, I can't say it, but know your Spirit in me can pray it: "Teach me to wait." ..amen.
Tags: Patience Presence Passion Compassion
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