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I have angels and light and unconditional love on my brain and heart today---can't get enough of that and just wanted to 'spread it out' a little at this place.....the original word for angels, is "messenger." I'm so thankful that we are being recycled as those messengers to FIRST impress the message of love, life and healing and new life on OURSELVES, inwardly digest that so we can pour it into the lives of others......
.....I love the teaching that the only way we can healthily pour our lives into the lives of others is as our lives OVERFLOW, spilling all over, and filling up other's lives where filling is needed---not something we control, but we can choose to fill ourselves up to overflowing.
Just knowing that we have been saved from the greatest depths of despair, sadness and death and given yet another blessed chance has a tendancy to start filling me up (Lord, I belive, help my unbelief..) Then to realize, as I've often said and written, that not only are we re-created to be the created persons we were meant to be, but, we are being re-created through our disease to be a 'greater' person than we were---a greater messenge, a greater angel.....
 We are all such different kinds of angels and not at all what others might think of as angels with looks and beliefs, hopes and dreams. But that's OK.....there are so many different kinds of angels needed for so many different kinds of "angelic-needing-human-creatures" out there.
Thank you Spirit for such diversity and help me not miss "my angel" and the work You want to do through it in my life, recovery and healing.
 
Tags: LIGHT ANGELIC CREATURES INNER HEAING SHARING
I received that "recovery-contentment-blessing" at this morning's AA meeting. I think for many years I was searching in churches for the best of what I have found in AA, not only genuine and transparent people who are honest, open, and willing to be available, but a non-judgemental atmosphere where concerns and topics can be shared in a safe environment and each member can choose to add their own experience and wisdom. Sometimes I have found such an environment in a church, but I always find it at the AA meetings I attend. Today's topic was just thrown out there by a newcomer to the group and someone new in recovery because the topic speaker didn't show up: "What are your greatest struggles with alcohol." As the topic went around the group a theme kept emerging: "I don't have a drinking or drugging problem, I have a LIVING PROBLEM." To say it another way: "Take away the drugs and alcohol and I still have trouble living this life---this painful life---that I was trying to escape from through my use." Another person talked about feeling not so bad smoking weed since he was no longer drinking himself to blackouts, though came to understand the stinking thinking in that behavior. Another member chimed in saying, "Yeah, it's like my dad whose a recovering alcoholic says about going from alcohol to another drug, 'It's like switching chairs on the Titanic, the ships still going down!'" Then, to bring stinking thinking to it's classic mind-playing-rationalization, the next member says, "Yeah, when you talked about the ship still going down, I'm thinking to myself, "But weren't there a bunch of survivors from the Titanic!!!!" I thought, "Wow, cunning, baffling, and powerful!" Because of the Daily Reflections reading for Nov.19, another member talked about his "Quality of Sobriety," and how he's still very active and goes to a number of meetings a week, but the quality of his sobriety---that inner joy and connection with his Higher Power---has changed. Another member said that when she was first in recovery she wrote in lipstick on her bathroom mirror, "The problem is you!" relating to her living problem, not only her addiction problem. She said that she got tired of wiping it off all the time so she stencilled it above the mirror. So, I have to continually ask myself, especially since I don't have the desire to drink any more, how is my Higher Power involved in my"living problem?" "What have I learned from my past living problems?" "How might I be switching chairs on the Titanic by moving from alcohol to something else in my life that keeps me from healing and growing in my recovery?" "How do I continue to be honest, open, willing, and transparent, getting rid of the secrets in my life that cannot only cause deep hurt and pain to me and others, but can also destroy years of work--AGAIN---falling from grace and the recovery place I'm at now???" And, thankfully, because of my higher power, tied to all of this is forgiveness, grace, strength and the mercies that truly are new every morning---the wisdom to know the difference. Higher Power, continue to grant me that, and save me from myself.
Tags: Meetings...Fellowship.....Healing
I've had a song that I cannot get out of my head since I quoted part of it a few days ago in a blog. It's by Geoff Moore entitled "Good To Be Alive," (included below). I've always like the opening paragraphs about growing up at ages 8 and 15, but it's the part about forgiveness and healing that is sticking with me lately, especially the verse:
Well I wonder, what this day will see
Will I find my dreams or stare in the face of tragedy
Whatever may come
Whatever may be
of this I am sure, I'm forgiven and free
And I will live like I believe
There's something crucial in recovery with the last line, living like we believe. It's getting and receiving the grace for the moment, grace for the day, the grace that is sufficient on this amazing, sometimes terrifying roller-coastered-recovery-life that we're on...Thank God we're on it together, some days jumping into the front coaster car, throwing our hands up and screaming in excitement...Other days, thrown in the car by a variety of circumstances--many of our own making---and just hanging on, crying for dear life, wondering when it's going to stop, and when it does, will we still be intact. So, whether I feel like shouting from the rooftops, or, whispering it from my depths, I can say and believe, "It's good to be alive, feel the wind in my face, see the blue in the sky...on days like this, I realize, it's good to be alive." joy in the journey, Ken/pr
_____________________________
Wasn't it yesterday I was eight years old
I had a pocket full of rocks
That I knew were made of solid gold
There were girls to be hated
Trees to be climbed
Forts to be built, There was so much time
It's good to be alive, It's good to be alive
There's nothing in the world like being fifteen
Your pockets are empty, but your head is full of dreams
of girls to be loved
of places to see
It's the best and the worst
Just my friends and me
And we're anything we want to be
(Chorus)
And it's good to be alive
To feel the wind in my face
See the blue in the sky
It's days like this I realize
What a gift it is
It's good to be alive
Well I wonder, what this day will see
Will I find my dreams or stare in the face of tragedy
Whatever may come
Whatever may be
of this I am sure, I'm forgiven and free
And I will live like I believe
Whatever may come
Whatever may be
of this I am sure, I'm forgiven and free
And I will live like I believe
Tags: Forogiven And Free
How amazing to have time to write another blog today----thank you Higher Power for some recovery time off.....As I was writing earlier today the memory of scuba diving popped into my head and applied to my recovery as a parallel of coming to the surface too quickly and getting the bends---a very painful experience (I am told and was taught) that needs to be avoided at all costs.
A few decades ago, when I was 17, living in Northern Minnesota, getting ready to graduate from high school, having absolutely no direction for the future, not thinking I was smart or rich enough to go to college, from a poor family, drinking and drugging with the popular crowd, trying to survive the cold, long winters and medicating the pain from a violent family history....my sister and brother-in-law did something that would change and bless my life forever---they invited me to leave the northern tundra and come and live with them in Hawaii, on the island of Oahu!
Wow! Let me see, what should I do, the ice bowl and hash-bowl of northern Minnesota, or the beaches, warm sun, year round idyllic conditions, unimagineable fruit, coconuts and indescribeable scents from plumeria to gardenia flowers and everything in between---a heaven on earth environment, especially considering my current environment. I thought for about 3 seconds and said YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
They had a spare bedroom for me---my sister and brother-in-law have been amazing miracles my whole life always welcoming, healing, and extending the incrdible gift of hospitality (just last weekend our extended family was invited to their lake home up north---The Big House, where we have spent a number of Christmases.....thank you, again, and always, Linda and Howie). So what does this have to do with scuba diving and recovery???
Sorry---if you've ever lived in Hawaii, you can take yourself out of Hawaii but you can never take Hawaii out of you......I wanted to go scuba diving but needed to be certified first. That was quite a process: cold swimming pools to first get aquainted with equipment and important techniques, and then three differnet ocean dives over the weeks, each deeper than the other, learning the survival skills. Theres was me throwing up in the ocean with large waves on one of the dives due to swallowing salt water (why can't the ocean just have fresh water like our lakes???); then there was learning how to get to safety if you can't get into shore because you are trapped by big waves, where you allow the waves to throw you up on rocks that may be sticking out of the water, grabbing on for dear life, letting the waves recede and pull yourself up quickly before the next round of waves come---that was hard and bruising. It was intense, but well worth the journey, as on one deeper dive I saw beautiful sea turtles just swimming by---thank God no sharks!!!!
I finally got my NAUI certification (National Associaton of Underwater Instructors). That was thirty years ago. I never went again. I never bought scuba gear, and let my certification lapse without renewing it. I suppose transferring colleges after three years to Minnesota didn't help much---as the 10,000 lakes aren't quite the same---where did all the colors go? Where are those beautiful schools of parrot fish, needle fish, puffers, and so many others who would just eat bread out of my hands????
Scuba diving and Hawaii reminds me of the days before drinking and drugging, when life got so wild, unmanageable, out of control, and more of just surviving, not even knowing about "thriving." It was beautiful then---child-like faith and trust, a time, as Geoff Moore sings in his song, "Good To Be Alive,"
"I remeber when I was eight years old, I had a pocket full of rocks that I knew were made of solid gold, there were girls to be hated, trees to be climbed, forts to be built, there was soooooooo much time....it's good to be alive...I rememeber when I was just 15...my pockets were empty, but my head was filled with dreams, there were girls to be loved, places to see, it was the best and the worst, just my friends and me, and we're anything we want to be!!!! IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE!!!!
Well, thank God (as we understand God,) that THAT TIME is NOW in recovery and amazing grace and healing......IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE...and, we're anything we want to be...In fact, because of our illness and disease...because our Higher Power makes our scars beautiful, and because scar-tissure is stronger than the original tissue, we cannot only be what we used to be, but we can be something amazing we could never be without going through everything that we've been through.
That's the miracle I not only choose to believe in, but one that I'm now experiencing and millions of my recovery sisters and brothers are also.
It's good to be alive...........I wonder what it would take to be re-certified as a scuba diver? Actually, anyone out there from the islands??? With the gift of hospitality??????  
Finally, some time off after such an extreme, blessed, long, draining-every-ounce-out-of-me-week, but, putting a bunch back in through "God-moments," "divine-appointments," and those "chance" encounters that may have been pre-ordained before I was born................but, who really knows or cares, "it just is".
Got home from work late last night and took my dog Nikki to the private golf course at the end of our street's cul du sac, having to jump over the fence---something I've been doing from November to April the last 23 years. I just sat on the edge of one of the great sand traps, in the dark, with the almost full moon peeking out from the misty clouds. I thought, "How can I let go of the worst of this week and internalize the best of it?" Thinking of that question, the words "Thank you" kept coming to mind. I just started saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you" out loud and realized that was my way to decompress from the week, keeping me from getting the "burn-out-bends," as I often in my haste and enthusiasm, try to swim to the surface more quickly than my body can absorb the pounds per square inch pressure of all that this week threw at me.
Sooooooo, I'm re-claiming the golf course. It's not MY golf course, in fact I've been told that in not so many words---sometimes angry words---by a snooty neighbor, who like many in the area have spent thousands of dollars just to join the Country Club, and are required to $pend a certain amount monthly in the club house and restaurant to retain their membership....I could never afford that, especially after losing my very good job a couple years ago from my alcoholism and it's consequences, and now, just scraping by, very thankful to be able to make our house payments, and my amazing wife, not leaving me, but "paying the price" to get a full time job to make ends meet. I still remember her words through tears during those brutal, weekly family days during my in-patient treatment---"I'm willing to do whatever it takes now if it will make for a stronger marriage later." That's amazing grace, and slow, steady healing.
That kind of healing helped me in many areas---even letting go of my resentment towards my snooty neighbor years ago---and we can at least wave at each other now, though I still don't know his name. I can stay off the course from May - October, avoiding their wrath, but it's time now to reclaim it. As I left on my slow-jog this morning, I thought of taking my digital camera but quickly rejected that idea since it was a cloudy, overcast day---there couldn't be much beauty with little sunlight. I jogged up and down the hill that sweeps along the mighty Mississippi River, and there, up in a leafless tree, in full view, sat two, huge bald eagles; one was large, the other very large, just sitting there, with their magnificent features, craning their elegant white heads to see what Nikki and I were up to. If had taken my camera, you would now be looking at exactly what we saw, even better---zooming in. DAMN! I see eagles soaring on occasion by the river but rarely two of them sitting in the tree, and just a few yards away. I thought for Nikki's safety at first because two of those eagles, working in tandem, could perhaps have the strength to swoop down in the open fairway and grab Nikki with their mighty talons, taking her away for a great feast with their eaglets. I thought, 'That would be a great sight and blog if it happened!!! But I forgot my camera!!!' Just kidding! I let go of that brief fear, wanting to stay in the magic of the moment.
I stopped, prayed, gave thanks, and decided to walk slowly towards them. I had only walked a few yards closer when the not so huge one gave out a piercing cry, flexed it's mighty wings and floated off the tree branch, swooping down the river to a Beaver Island tree a few hundred yards downstream. The other just sat there as I got closer and closer....then, it too swooped away, flying effortlessly in all it's splendor. Those would have been amazing pictures---I'm glad we can still "see them together" in our minds eye and heart.
I missed the photograph but caught much more. Those eagles were my Higher Power's sign this day to help me not only reclaim the golf course for the next six months, amidst high snow drifts and beautiful glistening river panoramas, but I learned they both had names---a number of blessed names: grace and glory, peace and serenity, forgiveness and healing, passion and love---those are God's gifts to me. Those are God's gifts to ALL of us in recovery, and they are, by that amazing grace, being received, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly (as the Big Book, Chapter 5 states so clearly in "How It Works,") but ALWAYS materializing as we receive the strength to work for them in our recovery programs.
I learned today that there can be great beauty with little sunlight.
Tags: Presence Grace God-Moments Signs
I was strongly blessed and empowered to be in a healing group today that talked about guilt and shame and the difference between the two---so very healthy in staying away from relapse by healing from the shame (the "I made a mistake" of healthy guilt, as opposed to the "I AM A MISTAKE" of shame...and so many other shame based things we tell ourselves daily and believe....) One of the pieces that a fellow co-worker passes out to the women's group that she leads regarding shame is the story about "The Duck." There's that saying that when the student is ready the Master appears; perhaps I could also say, when the presentation needs an illustration the e mail appears. It was years ago that I received the very handout she gave me today, and I had totally forgot about it. Just when I needed it in my own healing and assisting others in the same, reminding me of my Higher Power's unconditional love, the simple, timely story appeared again.
Peace,
Ken/pr
______________
The Duck
There was a little boy visitng his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impluse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch the next day Grandma said, 'Sally, let's wash the dishes,' but Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.' Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, 'I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.' Sally just smiled and said, 'Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help;' she whispered again, 'Remember the duck?' So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help. After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, 'Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.'
Tags: Freedom Healing Recovery
"Living With Contradiction" is not only the name of a reflection book that I borrowed from a co-worker, but it's a phrase that is meaning more to me all the time, the healthier I become.....It truly isn't a black and white world, regardless of the realities that I want to create....there's the "blessed" tension of living in the paradoxes, in the contradictions......I can't, like I used to do, give someone a "quick fix" with just the right prayer or just the right spiritual verse, or even just the right quote from the Big Book.......I can encourage myself, and them, to live through the crisis and the pain and the paradox. Healing truly comes not only to those who wait, but to those who are empowered to desire to desire it and go for it on a regular basis.......
I could write so much on this, but I'll let Esther de Waal, from her Book "LIVING WITH CONTRADICTION" share a few paragraphs from pages 134-136 of her book. I was interested when she shared that she "prays the Psalms," in her devotional life. This is coming from her Higher Power being the God of the Psalms, though it could come from a variety of spiritual traditions as one prays the teachings that empower them.........
As I pray the psalms I am faced once again with the fact that I am solitary, and unique, and yet at the same time connected in my being to others. I see myself as part of the whole, I have a sense of solidarity both with the rest of the hman race and with the universe itself. This for me is one of the most important aspects of the psalms. For they are at once intensely personal--they could have been written for me alone, so well do they serve my own individual need-and yet they are also completely universal, and I realize that for thousands of years they have been used by people just like me. So while I know that I am unique and that God in his love created me as I am, I have also to recognize that I share that humanity, that what is true for me is also true for others. This solidarity extends beyond the bounds of temporal time. It makes me one with the present but part of the past too. So when the psalms allow me to identfy myself with the chosen people of Israel and their long and difficult search for God, I find my own past too.
The Israelites knew good times and bad times. Much was failure, sin, the refusal to listen, the inability to hear the voice of God. Perhaps I can see here something which tells me about my own life, and the presence of a God who speaks and waits for my response. ....That is an equally urgent reminder for me today, and every day. I need to listen and to hear not what I want to find but in whatever way it is that God is trying to reach me. But, just as in any other relationship, I know how easy it is not to hear the other. God's letting go of me has given me that freedom to hear or not to hear, to respond or not. Here I am faced with a relationship with God which is asking me to be open to him in whatever way he chooses to reach me. This asks me to be vulnerable to his word minute by minute. If I am to live this way it prevents me from imposing any neat or safe pattern on my life. It forces me to live provisionally. It forces me to see that I must be prepared to live with the brokenness around me. I shall go on searching for healing and for wholeness, and at the same time I shall hold on to the possibility that this may not be part of God's plan. I have to recognize that the tensions I find within myself may not be resolved after all, and that perhaps I have to learn to live with the contradictions and try to see that at their heart lies the mystery of God, a God who is both certain and unpredictable, utterly safe and yet also surprisingly explosive.....
This last thought reminds me of a phrase, perhaps in a bit of a contradictory way, of a former friend of mine who was talking about one of C.S. Lewis' books--The Chronicles of Narnia--and made the statement about the lion Aslan, who represents the Christian Higher Power; he said,
ASLAN IS A GOOD LION, HE'S NOT A SAFE LION, BUT HE IS A GOOD LION....
Tags: Reflection The "Grey" Areas
I was deeply blessed many years ago by the way God worked in the life of Joni Erickson Tada through a tragic diving accident that left her a quadriplegic. What I remember most was that she never knew that she had amazing gifts as an artist and musician until her accident and extremely long rehabilitation period. And, going from a normal, walking individual to a life-long quadriplegic in some ways implies that there is never a full rehabilitation period back to the way she was. But, God had a different plan that only through adversity and extreme disaster could His best gifts shine through.
There are so many other avenues Joni could have gone, many of them negative, but she chose to embrace her crisis and allow the Spirit to recycle it in her life, and create a brand new creation, something that could have never been created without the deep physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain, causing her to "cry out" to God, who answered her beyond her wildest dreams. I also like the fact that God did not "heal" her physically, though He could have and still can if He wants. It wasn't because she "didn't have enough faith," as we hear so often with bad theology and understanding of the way God's Spirit often works today. You can argue whether God allowed the accident or caused the accident, as believers have been arguing for thousands of years....yet, God could have prevented the accident but chose not to. His inaction was the power of His greatest action in Joni's life and in our recovery.....kind of reminds me of the cross....
I've included a few paragraphs below for her Joni and Friends website. Peace through crisis and healing, Ken. _______________________
A diving accident in 1967 left Mrs. Tada a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, unable to use her hands. After two years of rehabilitation, Joni re-entered the community with new skills and a fresh determination to help others in similar situations. “My church made a huge difference in my family’s life as they demonstrated the love of God in practical ways,” says Joni. Mrs. Tada wrote of her experiences in her international best-selling biography, Joni. Her name is now recognized in countries around the world following the distribution in many languages of her biography and the full-length feature film JONI. She has personally visited over 41 countries.
I was reminded by a recovery friend this morning---no, it was beyond a reminder, but a 'felt-need,' a deep-tension within me, and a daily reality, relating to acceptance and contentment---a "living well" in the present. It was about "the now-not yet" not having what I want, but having everything I need, and then some......not fueling the flesh, but deepening the recovery-fires of centeredness, peace, and serenity---regardless of my present realities. It reminded me of some words I was struck by in my readings a few days ago: "...an excitable horse that will not calmly submit to its bridle only strangles itself. And a high-spirited animal that is restless in its yoke only bruises its own shoulders....the difference between a restless starling that broke its wings struggling against the bars of its cage and continually cried, "I can't get out! I can't get out!" and a submissive canary that sat on its perch and sang songs that surpassed even the beauty of those of a lark that soared freely to the very gates of heaven." Here we are, alone, and together....Here we are, broken, but healing...here we are, caged but more free than we have ever been! What a blessed tension! Thank you for living with me, through me, and me through you as we sing our own, unique, empowering songs, to help others soar!
Tags: Survivingthriving
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