Viewing 28 - 36 out of 41 Blogs.

<< First  < Previous | Page:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Next >  Last >>

1. We admitted we were powerless over sexual promiscuity/compulsivity —that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him
   
   
   
   I am a Slow learner... it seems... or perhaps... it is just that i want my own way! 
   
   so many times i have fallen on my knees in my heart.. pleading with God to restore me to Vicotry... To relieve me of this distructive pattern... to fix the pain of abandonment i have struggled with since .. well, since forever.
   
   I have pleaded with God.. with His People... here, at Church, in Counselling, in doctor's offices.. etc... even in my addiction... pleaded with the person with whom i was obsessed with.. Pleaded for Freedom...
   
   Step One is easy... Admit i am powerles... Although a Christian... i have had a very Difficult time going from Step One to Step 2.  I knew/know in my heart/mind and Soul.. that Only God can restore me to santity... but i haven;'t always Looked to Him... Even Now...
   
   perhaps a month or so ago, i cried out to God... OH NO, not again... Once more down that path.. once more the visions of the fallen woman...HELP ME!!!  and God, in His Gracious Mercy and love lead me to this site!  THANK YOU JESUS!  and i began to feel safe.. and hope... I poured out my heart and prayers and struggles.  Felt much Hope and Relief... Appreciated the earnest support and belief of my Recovery Network Friends.
   
   Yet, i was still not ready to let go.. and lay down my burders.... my sin, my SHAME at the Cross... I was not ready to let go, and HAVE GOD be in Complete charge of my life....
   
   Thru the prayers and supporrt of many... i have come again to the feet of Jesus... And i cry out before Him...
   
   Here i am again, Lord....  "i will never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that Cross!"  and the Lord saying to the Father, and to me... IT IS FINISHED!"
   
   God has Blessed me again... and again...
   
   i am WHOLE and Clean, by HIS BLood.
   
   i began work with Global Healing and Restoration Center(restoring wholeness to spirit, soul, and boy thru Biblical Counselling_  I began work wiith a Pastor who knows what it is like to be addicted...and who has sought freedom thru Christ.
   
   It is PAINFUL.. Again... I have never wanted to go to the Pain, but this time is different... Each painful memory that plagues me still... is being released and restored...  And i am feeling the Love of God... the Love of the Father like i have never known. 
   
   Feelings do not stay.. i know... but in Practicing the Reality of His Love....  and turning my will and my Life over to Him.. Minute by Minute...  there is Freedom...as i surrender... ultimately Serenity...
   
   Isaiah 53
   1 Who has believed our message
          and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

    2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
          and like a root out of dry ground.
          He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
          nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

    3 He was despised and rejected by men,
          a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
          Like one from whom men hide their faces
          he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

    4 Surely he took up our infirmities
          and carried our sorrows,
          yet we considered him stricken by God,
          smitten by him, and afflicted.

    5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
          he was crushed for our iniquities;
          the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
          and by his wounds we are healed.

    6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
          each of us has turned to his own way;
          and the LORD has laid on him
          the iniquity of us all.

    7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
          yet he did not open his mouth;
          he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
          and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
          so he did not open his mouth.

    8 By oppression ^[a] and judgment he was taken away.
          And who can speak of his descendants?
          For he was cut off from the land of the living;
          for the transgression of my people he was stricken. ^[b]

    9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
          and with the rich in his death,
          though he had done no violence,
          nor was any deceit in his mouth.

    10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
          and though the LORD makes ^[c] his life a guilt offering,
          he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
          and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

    11 After the suffering of his soul,
          he will see the light of life ^[d] and be satisfied ^[e] ;
          by his knowledge ^[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
          and he will bear their iniquities.

    12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, ^[g]
          and he will divide the spoils with the strong, ^[h]
          because he poured out his life unto death,
          and was numbered with the transgressors.
          For he bore the sin of many,
          and made intercession for the transgressors.

   Vs 4:  He knows my  sorrows.  HeTook MyPain.
   vs.5   it is for My sin, , my Shame that he Took... and Carried to the Cross.  Each Sin is a  scourge upon His back... and nail into His Hands...
   But the Promise is this... It is BY his Stirpes (picture the Whip lashed marks upon Him.)  It is by His Stripes... that i AM healed.
   
   not that I was healed... Not that i Will be Healed... but that i AM healed... Continually!
   
   YEHA
   
   I am Free... a Continual Freedom!
   
   What Hieghts of Love, what depths of Peace, when Fears are Stilled... when Striving Cease.
   
   My Comforter, my All in All... here in the Love of Christ I stand....
   
   
   Just one day.. just one hour just one minute, to give over to the care of Him who loves me , who Knows me... like no other..
   
   Blessings...
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Tags: Recovery Hope Life

came to believe i am powerless over this compulsion/addiction and pain.  YES...  I am Powerless.  I walk away, I go there, i fall, slip.., my heart cries, i pray, i get hope, i walk away, i go "There", i fall, Slip into the behaviour that brings pain/joy-relief and more pain and shame. 

Am I letting Go///'  I do for a while...I start my paper routes singing, lifting my arms in the air, praising God... And i am Sincere... then the Lies come... Well, just bring a flower to him to let him know i care... but i will not try to see him...

the lies that i have control...

the lies that i can make it... I live my life... I do not want to end my life... I am in a better place than i have been in several months... mostly cuz i am seeking... and i have found you'all in love and support... mostly because i am wanting to be free--- to turn my will and my life over to God...

I do not want to Change my life... i do not want my marriage to end.. I do not want to hurt/betray my husband anymore.  I don't want to seek relieve from my inner pain this way... but i Do... 

there is pain in this life...  we all have it, and we all have our various ways of coping.  I believe that i a Child of God... and that He promises Hope and Life for me...  But the Shame is eating away...

BPD...  Borderline Personality Disorder.  "I Love you, i hate you... please don't leave me...

BPD.. this is a pervasive illness

• 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
• 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
• 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals; or career choices, types of friends desired or values preferred.
• 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance abuse, and binge eating.
• 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
• 6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
• 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
• 8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; frequent displays of temper.
• 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
  
  and slowly i sink into despondancy
  
  

Tags: Step One

  i am quick to give encouragement... and hugs...

i love to help others... 

i feel so alone, (I know i am Not Alone) but i feel so alone...

a fw of you talked about loosing members of Recovery to their pain.

I have been sliding down the slippery slide of dispair.  My obsessions come on strong....

it wasn't too bad yesterday, doing the paper routes... i Did not call the guy i have fallen into ...  But i did bring him a white flower and posted a note "I SURRENDER" and left it on his door. 


wow,,,,, i just poured my heart and pain out.. and then i guess in trying to find some poems of pictures on the web.. i lost it alll










couldn't get my radio to work cuz batteries were dead...(I use it while i do my paper routes and usually play Christain Contemporary songs./..)  I just sang some songs softly while walki9ng.

I soooo Wanted to "go AWAY".  i thought about going to psych hospital... especially the group home for short term emergency recovery.  I thot the ER people would just tell me to go home... after all, i have been here before, and i will be here again...

Thing is... there is Much going on in my life... About a week ago was the 3 anniversary of my BEST FREIND"S Death to Prostate Cancer.  Also, my pastor is setting up therapy with intensive INNER HEALING.;.. This will go Deep, into the Dark pain of my life, my past as a child, and my acting out as an adult.
i am scared!  Sometimes going into the "incest" or purported incest/molestation by my father...is too much for me to take.  So many times i have drawn pictures, written poems-0- but i cannot accept that.  And all thru my life, when someone hurts me... i want to hurt myself more.

Bobbie yells or hits at me.... I want to get rid of the pain...(hot water enema)
and that is nothing compared to the deep pain in my life...

there is sexual abuse in/or to each of my siblings.  My oldest brother to my youngest.. My older brother with me...  One brother was obsessed with young girls...eventually went to prison.... another brother is very attracted to young boys.

One brother, i love/i hate... killed himself 9 yrs ago.

Several yrs ago, in my anger and pain... i got into my warm running car and shut the garage door... I did this "AT" my husband.... He found me in time...
Yesterday i wanted the pain to go away... I wanted to "GO AWAY"  I took about 5 or 6 pain pills inserted rectally.  nothing happend... i did not go to sleep.. i did not get high... i did not "GO aWAY".

BUT i guess God had other plans... Last night... my hubby took me out on a date!  to see a Chick Flick.. and then to DQ! for ice cream treat.....

SELF PORTRAIT

 

I’m an addict

“everyone’s addicted

To something”

You say

 

 Yes But I’m an addict

And my addiction

Is not drugs

Nor food or booze

 

It’s a feeling

I’m addicted to

A Rush

Intensity

A Fear

 

Remember

the very first

Day of school

The popcorn excitement

Like kernels eager to Pop.

 

The haunting

Anticipation

Of a first touch

Your palms wet

With fear as

Your hands shake

 

Do you recall?

Hear the drum roll

of your heart

the Finale

as you look up

you find the Object

of your dreams

gazing at you

 

and your heart beats

inside your ears

and your heart drums

inside your mouth

and your heart leaps

from your eyes

as you swim in

the depths

of his eyes.

 

I’m addicted

To the Rush

I’m addicted

To the Fear

I’m addicted

To the feeling

That renews itself

In another’s face

 

 © jodyB

 

 

PAIN

 

 

 

I know pain

I know pain as my friend

and clutch him close

unable or willing to release him

or he, it seems, me.

 

I ponder the need

for such self-inflicting

pain as he,

he must be security

a Blanket of relief

from my  own scrutiny

the angers of my conscience

yet unearthed.

 

I know pain

and have bedded him

but the time may come

when I no longer have

need of him

and pass him by

a shoe outgrown

and move on to Life

and move on

to LIVE.

 

 

© jody

1986

 

 

 

 

 

  i am quick to give encouragement... and hugs...

i love to help others... 

i feel so alone, (I know i am Not Alone) but i feel so alone...

a fw of you talked about loosing members of Recovery to their pain.

I have been sliding down the slippery slide of dispair.  My obsessions come on strong....

it wasn't too bad yesterday, doing the paper routes... i Did not call the guy i have fallen into ...  But i did bring him a white flower and posted a note "I SURRENDER" and left it on his door. 


wow,,,,, i just poured my heart and pain out.. and then i guess in trying to find some poems of pictures on the web.. i lost it alll










couldn't get my radio to work cuz batteries were dead...(I use it while i do my paper routes and usually play Christain Contemporary songs./..)  I just sang some songs softly while walki9ng.

I soooo Wanted to "go AWAY".  i thought about going to psych hospital... especially the group home for short term emergency recovery.  I thot the ER people would just tell me to go home... after all, i have been here before, and i will be here again...

Thing is... there is Much going on in my life... About a week ago was the 3 anniversary of my BEST FREIND"S Death to Prostate Cancer.  Also, my pastor is setting up therapy with intensive INNER HEALING.;.. This will go Deep, into the Dark pain of my life, my past as a child, and my acting out as an adult.
i am scared!  Sometimes going into the "incest" or purported incest/molestation by my father...is too much for me to take.  So many times i have drawn pictures, written poems-0- but i cannot accept that.  And all thru my life, when someone hurts me... i want to hurt myself more.

Bobbie yells or hits at me.... I want to get rid of the pain...(hot water enema)
and that is nothing compared to the deep pain in my life...

there is sexual abuse in/or to each of my siblings.  My oldest brother to my youngest.. My older brother with me...  One brother was obsessed with young girls...eventually went to prison.... another brother is very attracted to young boys.

One brother, i love/i hate... killed himself 9 yrs ago.

Several yrs ago, in my anger and pain... i got into my warm running car and shut the garage door... I did this "AT" my husband.... He found me in time...
Yesterday i wanted the pain to go away... I wanted to "GO AWAY"  I took about 5 or 6 pain pills inserted rectally.  nothing happend... i did not go to sleep.. i did not get high... i did not "GO aWAY".

BUT i guess God had other plans... Last night... my hubby took me out on a date!  to see a Chick Flick.. and then to DQ! for ice cream treat.....

SELF PORTRAIT

 

I’m an addict

“everyone’s addicted

To something”

You say

 

 Yes But I’m an addict

And my addiction

Is not drugs

Nor food or booze

 

It’s a feeling

I’m addicted to

A Rush

Intensity

A Fear

 

Remember

the very first

Day of school

The popcorn excitement

Like kernels eager to Pop.

 

The haunting

Anticipation

Of a first touch

Your palms wet

With fear as

Your hands shake

 

Do you recall?

Hear the drum roll

of your heart

the Finale

as you look up

you find the Object

of your dreams

gazing at you

 

and your heart beats

inside your ears

and your heart drums

inside your mouth

and your heart leaps

from your eyes

as you swim in

the depths

of his eyes.

 

I’m addicted

To the Rush

I’m addicted

To the Fear

I’m addicted

To the feeling

That renews itself

In another’s face

 

 © jodyB

 

 

PAIN

 

 

 

I know pain

I know pain as my friend

and clutch him close

unable or willing to release him

or he, it seems, me.

 

I ponder the need

for such self-inflicting

pain as he,

he must be security

a Blanket of relief

from my  own scrutiny

the angers of my conscience

yet unearthed.

 

I know pain

and have bedded him

but the time may come

when I no longer have

need of him

and pass him by

a shoe outgrown

and move on to Life

and move on

to LIVE.

 

 

© jody

1986

 

 

 

 

 

  i am quick to give encouragement... and hugs...

i love to help others... 

i feel so alone, (I know i am Not Alone) but i feel so alone...

a fw of you talked about loosing members of Recovery to their pain.

I have been sliding down the slippery slide of dispair.  My obsessions come on strong....

it wasn't too bad yesterday, doing the paper routes... i Did not call the guy i have fallen into ...  But i did bring him a white flower and posted a note "I SURRENDER" and left it on his door. 


wow,,,,, i just poured my heart and pain out.. and then i guess in trying to find some poems of pictures on the web.. i lost it alll










couldn't get my radio to work cuz batteries were dead...(I use it while i do my paper routes and usually play Christain Contemporary songs./..)  I just sang some songs softly while walki9ng.

I soooo Wanted to "go AWAY".  i thought about going to psych hospital... especially the group home for short term emergency recovery.  I thot the ER people would just tell me to go home... after all, i have been here before, and i will be here again...

Thing is... there is Much going on in my life... About a week ago was the 3 anniversary of my BEST FREIND"S Death to Prostate Cancer.  Also, my pastor is setting up therapy with intensive INNER HEALING.;.. This will go Deep, into the Dark pain of my life, my past as a child, and my acting out as an adult.
i am scared!  Sometimes going into the "incest" or purported incest/molestation by my father...is too much for me to take.  So many times i have drawn pictures, written poems-0- but i cannot accept that.  And all thru my life, when someone hurts me... i want to hurt myself more.

Bobbie yells or hits at me.... I want to get rid of the pain...(hot water enema)
and that is nothing compared to the deep pain in my life...

there is sexual abuse in/or to each of my siblings.  My oldest brother to my youngest.. My older brother with me...  One brother was obsessed with young girls...eventually went to prison.... another brother is very attracted to young boys.

One brother, i love/i hate... killed himself 9 yrs ago.

Several yrs ago, in my anger and pain... i got into my warm running car and shut the garage door... I did this "AT" my husband.... He found me in time...
Yesterday i wanted the pain to go away... I wanted to "GO AWAY"  I took about 5 or 6 pain pills inserted rectally.  nothing happend... i did not go to sleep.. i did not get high... i did not "GO aWAY".

BUT i guess God had other plans... Last night... my hubby took me out on a date!  to see a Chick Flick.. and then to DQ! for ice cream treat.....

SELF PORTRAIT

 

I’m an addict

“everyone’s addicted

To something”

You say

 

 Yes But I’m an addict

And my addiction

Is not drugs

Nor food or booze

 

It’s a feeling

I’m addicted to

A Rush

Intensity

A Fear

 

Remember

the very first

Day of school

The popcorn excitement

Like kernels eager to Pop.

 

The haunting

Anticipation

Of a first touch

Your palms wet

With fear as

Your hands shake

 

Do you recall?

Hear the drum roll

of your heart

the Finale

as you look up

you find the Object

of your dreams

gazing at you

 

and your heart beats

inside your ears

and your heart drums

inside your mouth

and your heart leaps

from your eyes

as you swim in

the depths

of his eyes.

 

I’m addicted

To the Rush

I’m addicted

To the Fear

I’m addicted

To the feeling

That renews itself

In another’s face

 

 © jodyB

 

 

PAIN

 

 

 

I know pain

I know pain as my friend

and clutch him close

unable or willing to release him

or he, it seems, me.

 

I ponder the need

for such self-inflicting

pain as he,

he must be security

a Blanket of relief

from my  own scrutiny

the angers of my conscience

yet unearthed.

 

I know pain

and have bedded him

but the time may come

when I no longer have

need of him

and pass him by

a shoe outgrown

and move on to Life

and move on

to LIVE.

 

 

© jody

1986

 

 

 

 

 

May 11, 2008

 

ALONE

 

 

I just wrote a Blog on myrecover site…. It was very painful… I cannot find it… I was searching for too many items to put into the blog website.  Items that I needed to get from various other locations…

 

 

Oh well, I will try to recover it from memory

 

Lately I have seen messages of pain about loosing members of Recovery to suicide.

 

I understand.  I am one to quickly give encouragement.  To offer hugs…

But the pain inside is deep.  And the struggle is even deeper

 

I am thinking the reason for this recent pain and addictive/obsessive struggle is to do with my upcoming therapy. I begin therapy for Inner Healing this week.  I am Scared… Scared to Death!  Many times I have gone there before…  and wanted to DIE!!!  Cannot take the pain.  How can I function… how can I live my life???

 

Pain from my childhood/… from possible/probably molestations… and then from my acting out as an adult.  I suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)… look it up…