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G'morning I witnessed my first birthing Sunday, and had some pretty amazing thoughts come to me... First of all, it is Very Difficult to watch anyone you love to Writhe and groan in such pain! Secondly... it opened my heart to Grieve again for the child that i "swept away" over 30 yrs ago!...
but there were some other thots as well.. took me a Long time to Google for the Passage-- as i did not know where it was... just knew Jesus talked about Kingdom of Heaven being compared to a woman giving Birth... or so i thot... anyway... here is what i copied...
John 16:19-24
19 Jesus realized they wanted to ask him about it, so he said, “Are you asking yourselves what I meant? I said in a little while you won’t see me, but a little while after that you will see me again. 20 I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy. 21 It will be like a woman suffering the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she has brought a new baby into the world. 22 So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. 23 At that time you won’t need to ask me for anything. I tell you the truth, you will ask the Father directly, and he will grant your request because you use my name. 24 You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy. So, i feel that i am in 2 places here. I am the Baby being born, and I am the one birthing the BABY. Strange, huh?!In some ways, i am writhing and moaning in pain in labour.... and it is a new me.. Born of Jesus., perfected in and with HIS STRIPES... and Healed by His Pain on the Cross.... But the healing is Hurting a LOT... and i have been struggling... and Groaning to release the Little girl to Freedom and New Life.
The miracle of a new birth is So AWESOME... and watching the mother's face turn from contortions of PAIN to JOY of welcoming a new Daughter into the world...
AMAZING!
I have much more to be said... but will do so in another blog...
BLESSINGS & PEACE
jodyB
... 
to my mate/to my soul
Was it just yesterday... or perhaps the day before? Seems like all has gotten back to our state of homeostatic chaos, our normalcy. She is angry with me. I don't feel that i belong. I have always wanted there to be a close connection between you and her, your daughter, especially since i lost my father at such a young age. So then, why should i be jealous of the intimacy you two share. But she comes to you, and not to me, her step-mom. She is ready is very pregnant.. ready to give birth any day now. So, friends have told me, her hormones are going nuts. She says that i have a bad attitude. I just have differing views than she does, and also then you. Seems i cannot do anything right... and My emotions are clearly outta whack. She does not have much space to call her own... just a small room downstairs. and the father of her child has pretty much disowned her 4 months ago. I am resentful. Resentful that she has not paid rent in a long time even a stipend. or that she does not buy some food for us or for the pets. Resentful that i seem to be on the outs with her so easily. Seems like if she smiles at me, or wants to go for a smoke with me, i am happy!
So, the other night you who are in constant pain yourself... joined with her saying that i have a bad attitude. I don't want to have a Bad Attitude... I just want a space to be free to be ME! to be loved and accepted for who I am.
I don't even remember how it started... don't remember how i instigated it... just remember that i felt like i could not do anything right with the grandkids, her nieces and nephews.
She said that i was acting like a little kid. Yes, i do that. I know... I am sure it is annoying... I want to change. (i don't want to make excuses saying that it is my disability/personality disorder.)... but i feel trappped! I don't know where or how to be free...You agreed... said i was acting like a little kid. You both said that i should Grow Up!
I was in the kitchen... don't know what i was saying .. don't know what i was feeling... don't remember just know... the Monster came out again... and i think my frightened eyes looked at you... [perhaps begging you to hurt me...I just don't remember... You are more than twice my weight... but i am a very strong woman. However, i would rather me be hurt than to further hurt you. I guess you grabbed me... and somehow i fell across the floor. and my back skidded across the band of metal between the kitchen and dining room floor. I screamed. I screamed when you "Threw me" Why should i... I must deserve it. After all, she is upset and says that she feels very unwelcome here. Not really bad.... just bruised and scrapped... and torn up from the inside out...
But it got worse... i some how got up... you said what... you gonna call 911~.. She went to grab the phone from me/./// TRAPPED....
I was scared ... angry... no way out... not safe! I tried to get the phone away... i PUSHED HER... and then it got worse. I was worse than a BI*%(*CH.... I was Not a grandmother/oma to her child and would never be one... I was HORRIBLE... I had pushed a pregnant woman.
I tried to go away... but where to go... No Where! I would not go to the police...WHY! I could Not deal with that. EVER...and I was in the wrong... I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ACTED OUT /PUSHED HER...
don't be angry...or be angry and don't sin....
Matt: 5:21-23 Teaching about Anger 21 “You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’[d] 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone,[e] you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot,[f] you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone,[g] you are in danger of the fires of hell.[h] 23 “So if you are presenting a sacrifice[i] at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God
i tried to apologize... but it is not enuf...
as far as apologies... He rarely does.... so, i turn around... I apologize, after all it has been a LONG LONG TIME since anything so violent happened... And HE is in Tremendous pain. 24/7.. and there are so stressors... and She is 9 months Pregnant.... and basically alone! what right have i.
how can i be ok... when my insides stand accusing me of having had other Relationships... When my mind is full of angry/ fear/ hate/
i am wrong...
That night... i wanted to just not be... but not altogether... I fought with myself to not GO AWAY for hours after THAT... I had a committment to my job.. my Fuzzy Bear... my God... Even if i did not want to be anymore. Still, when it was that time... I took 5 Ativan... to ease the pain.....
when is enuf ENUF
Tags: RELATIONSHIPS- Addiction
 I had an Awesome experience at Church Saturday nite. First of all, i come from a pretty conservative background... but one of the churchs that i have been attending... is similar to a Vineyard... Very Lively... Lots of Singing, Praising God, Dancing in the aisles, etc.
And i have been struggling a lot with going through some of the trauma
of my childhood. but i started Talking to God, I mean really talking to Him... about things... AND LISTENING!!!! So when i went to church i was ready to hear about letting go, surrendering and being Washed and Cleansed by Jesus...(i know i am getting a bit spiritual...but it i have a point for recovery.)
i had been dancing with the songs... and then when someone was praying about being washed and cleansed... i lay in the aisle against the wall curled up ... just letting the Love and Acceptance flood over me.
the next day, as i was looking at my little Fuzzy Bear i got a prophetic thought... Fuzzy Bear looks up at me with TOTAL LOVE and Dependance. Her story is not unlike my own. My daughter and Husband found Fuzzy about 3 yrs ago under a pile of leaves, shivering, dirty and hungry. They brought her to me...(I never was much for little dogs... i have 2 big dogs in the back yard) but Fuzzy needed me. I tenderly washed her up wrapped her in a towel and held her close. She had horrible breath, and ears had stuff in them that took weeks to clean.... and she had a mamory tumor. When we could afford to, we had herbad teeth pulled as well as getting her spayed and tumor removed.
Higher Power (God, Jesus Christ) is calling out to me for total dependence on Him... To allow Him to take to Pain, the hurt, the anger, and wash it away... even bit by bit.. even though scraping through the dirt and scars may seem to make the pain unbearable... He is telling me that he is holding me... that he is washing me... and has a great big towel to wrap me in...(the comfort of His Spirit... and His people... here)
What a Wonderful Gift God has Given me... What a Wonderful Responsibility to Pass ON!
this is the only "Meeting" that i go to (there are no meetings for Relationship/Sex addiction here)
thanks for letting me share
jodyB
Tags: Surrender Love Clensing
New Memories(Feelings
Pain comes ... sometimes old pain... and i am reliving it now...
But there is Hope and Healing and Forgiveness in Jesus name.
My Pastor/Therapist has been helping me to GO-There.. into the memories that i have tried to suppress for so long... sO many therapists have wanted to help and encourage me so that i could unleash the pain... and receive the healing....but evidently i was not ready.. just did not want to feel THAT PAIN AGAIn... and so... my addiction came... to be there as a comfort to ignore what i knew that i had to deal with.
Abuse is never easy to deal with... especially the sexual abuse of a child.... especially from her beloved Father.. her hero...
After 3 hrs of Very Intense Therapy.. Pastor Mike stayed with me as i violently opposed the body memories...He kept asking me to pray and own what was done to me. i proteted vehently! and it was a little Girl.. very little girl.. crying out in protest. And then an epiphany... the love of Jesus is Healing the pain... and i am slowly able to accept bits and pieces... more memories are coming.. and more needs to be revealed.. and i need to go to those awful places once more to be FREE to Live LIFE...
SIGH!!!
well, i must go now... Just want to encourage the process... and for you, my family, to be able when it is time, find someone to help you deal with the Demons of your past..
Love
jodyB
Tags: PainaddictionforgivenessGod
i was just checking the chat room., and no one was online, however, i thought about checking into the blogs... I wanted to add a note to one person...about peace and trust...and i am thinking...YOU HYPOCRIT!!! how can you offer hope, sympathy and advise, when you struggle so greatly from one day to the next.... seems i have really good days when i am focused on the Good, on the Lord, on "just put one foot in front of the other... and WATCH OUT where you step" attitude...When i raise my arms in the sky and sing out loud, with the radio Christian Praise songs...
and then... maybe later that same day.. or the next i fall....and i swear sometimes the lows seem so devastating... like i will never get out of them... like i want to DIE again...
I Live with Mental Illness... serious clinical Depression/Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder....
i talk with you guys... you all are so supportive.. quick to offer a smile- a hello, a kind thought and hugs and prayers, as well as to encourage and challenge! THANK YOU... but i find that the loneliness inside is often too much for me... and my incessantly seeking to find a DADDY to comfort me is futile, but inappropriate. Not that i am always AWARE of being the little girl looking for DADDY! I had one friend, my Soul-mate, and now my guardian angel, RIP, that i connected with.. that i could turn to for everything... but i was lonely even when i was with him! I think it is a GOD-thingQ!
i was thinking about a verse when i was reading a blog from another member... i was thinking about ISAIAH 40:31
"they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength... They shall mount up with wings... Like Eagles, they shall run and not grow weary- they shall walk and not faint.!" hmmm what a promise... i did nto want to use the king james version to post here, so i googled the verse.. and when i did so, i found a blog that was quite interesting...
here it is for your perusal and edification... and for me.. cuz i i REALLY Need to get "outta myself"
The Good Confession: They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength:
Thursday, February 08, 2007 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength: Ever Thursday, February 08, 2007 They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength: Ever since I've been taught that scripture (In Isaiah 40), I've been told that it means just wait for God to answer. Well, that may be true, as it's certainly not scripturally inaccurate. However, yesterday I got to thinking, maybe it means something else. I thought of the words "wait upon" and I was thinking, maybe it means service?? Like a waiter waiting on tables. In other words maybe it means that as we serve The Lord, he'll give us the strength to accomplish what he's called us to do. There's a song that goes: "He gives strength to me as I worship him. As my heart is filled with praise. Jesus breaks the bands as I raise my hands bringing glorious liberty.". Just a thought. posted by snowywoodz at 6:48 AM 
ahem... Wait on the :LORD... means Serve??? seems something to think on! i know that i need more service... Hmmm
also... Please keep me in your prayers. there have been several days this week whn i have been so low, contemplated suicide; etc...
ok.... now i know there is a poem in me somewhere... just trying to come out... about butterflies...
but here i am to say that THANK GOD He is not finished with me yet. Thank God, that He loves and charishes me inspite of my frequent lapses. Praise Jesus that i have been given SOOO MUCH, including the ability to Grieve... for how could i really experience joy, if i never knew grief???
i wrote a blog i guess it was yesterday... i was in tremendous pain... i asked my friends here for forgiveness and to help me be accountable about taking my medication. (many times i can be non-compliant with my meds...) Anyway... i sent a msg to my Mom, my Pastor, my Brother, and you all to ask forgiveness for not respecting my life... and such...
Blessings... you just see me.... when i do my paper routes... i look pretty funny i guess, listening to my radio with earphones, singing and such....but i don't care....I am SOOO Grateful to God.. I can WALK< RUN>>> i can lift up my hands in the air
 i am healthy for the most part (tho depression and anxiety are part of the mental illness i live with daily) I love people, and I can talk (OK>>> i know... perhaps too much, but so be it!) i can dress and feed myself. I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food to eat...
but with all the Blessings in my life... i still Have Pain...as we alll do
I am enclosing a recent email i rec'vd from my pastor, and my response to it....
Heavenly Father you know how hard it is for Jody to take her meds on time. I ask that your Holy Spirit will prompt her to do it. I also ask that you relieve the pain that she is feeling and the discomfort. God please protect her and give her a day that she will be able to see you in all that she does and sees. I ask that you release the finances that she needs to fix her car. In Jesus name, Amen Pastor Jean WELL, perhaps not my response as it is wordy... Just know that in my despair, God blessed me.... several people came up to me during my paper route and greeted me... Smiles on all of them... Yes, i am far from perfect... i am a precious child of God, a Precious stone in the making... and I know that i Do have an impact on a lot of people....
as i sign off on my email, i will sign off now
"i may not be able to move mountains, but if i have made just one person smile,
then yes, it has been a good day!"
Tags: Healingprayerhope
10:59] jodyB: There is no one here [10:59] jodyB: there is No One Left [10:59] jodyB: there is only me... and she [11:00] jodyB: i have not met [11:00] jodyB: o Curse the falsity...the strangulous games [11:00] jodyB: darn the frivolity [11:00] jodyB: with all egos names [11:01] jodyB: for i Will not be held [11:01] jodyB: a captive of myself! [11:01] jodyB: i will demolish the Mask [11:01] jodyB: and next the shrunken elf. [11:01] jodyB: but how am i to do it, [11:02] jodyB: and what will be my tool [11:02] jodyB: who will be my accomplish in subdueing the Fool [11:04] jodyB: for i will be made Free
 the picture is one of an Acceptance Stone that i got off google images.
and yet.. i have not been in that spirit. I have been Down... o so very down and wanting to be done(in)
why the rollacoaster... i guess people say it is cuz i play russian rulet with my meds...l take them religiously for a while, maybe several weeks, and then i dont take them (say the night time meds) for a couple of days... I think i will be ok... what lies i tell myself! that leave a foothole for the Enemy of my Soul to come in once again and war havoc on my faultering belief and strength
. Tues was an AWESOME DAY,.. one with Victory, hope and LOVE... Lots of Love... and then Wed came...don't understand... but i took ativan (it is a prn for me) then i took another. met with my supervisor for the paper route nand she is also a true friend. After seeing her i went to my painting class.... and i scarely remember that! i had another place to go... but for some reason came home. i think i may have taken another ativan by now. my drive way is on a hill going down into the garage it is wide at the top and there are 2 lamp posts made of brick on either side. I tried to back down the drive way, but was way off center (Hmmmm???? sound familiar) any way, i hit the post hard... and made a gouge in my tire, and a gouge (again!) in the side of my nice but scratched up car.
more shame....
went to tire store to have donut put on it and to order new tire/wheel?
came home...
don't know if this is before i went out in the beginning of the day, or else when i got home, but at some point i was in the car.;;;l windows rolled up, engine on, garage door closed.
today is another day... I asked forgiveness, on my knees, of my husband... (my husband rages at me... at times has hit me... but can u blame him... (he did not hit me) but he was VERY VERY ANGGRY!!! i don't blame him...
i asked forgivesness. he accepted.
i am trying to aske and accept forgiveness from God
and I am asking forgiveness of you, as well as the others in my life i have shared this with
jodyB
Tags: Shame Pain Freedom
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