You are my Shepherd

I will not be afraid

You make me dwell in peace

You are my light

And the Lord of my journey

Your rod and Your staff

Comfort me

So I'll sing in the valley

Shout from the mountain

Drink from the river

Dance near the fountain

Of Your everlasting life

And Your eternal Love

Blessings to All

Tags: Serene

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In the sanctuary of God's love, I open my heart to infinite peace.

In a quiet and comfortable place, I allow myself to become still. I can completely relax because I know God is tending to EVERY concern on my mind. I let my thoughts take me to the sanctuary of God's love within me. I enter this sacred place with gratitude for the peace I find here.

I breathe in deeply, slowly, knowing that the very air I breathe is a part of that loving presence of God that is within and all around me, sustaining and calming me.

With each cleansing, restoring breath, I feel a deep sense of safety. God is here and all is well. In that knowledge, I open my heart to the infinite peace of God. God's Love within is my sanctuary of peace. The door is always open, and I am always welcome.

God Bless to Everyone. 

Tags: Serene

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I'm so mad right now I could spit nails.  My ex after 17 years knows how to push my buttons.   Knows how to hurt me and he's done a good job tonight. Did I mention I drank myself to death because of him?  Bad excuse, but, it got me out of the painful emotions I was carrying for so long. I was trained to be his. I cooked, cleaned, kept house, did laundry, shopped, did bills, did errands, raised our daughter, did all the running for her, had the bed made, bathrooms  and dishes done. I shopped for sales so I wouldn't spend too much, but he'd go on $6,000 hunting trips with the "boys".  If I bought a new outfit, I'd get slammed for spending too much.  I bought my clothes at the outlet stores and garage sales.  He bought  his boat, motorcycle and had his pool and hot tub done. I didn't need those things. I was too busy picking up and cleaning and catering to everyone who came over to party with him.  Oh, and I worked full-time as a teacher so I had papers to grade, lessons to plan. If I didn't have dinner, I was scolded, if his clothes weren't picked up off the floor and the bed  not  made,  I was yelled at. If I didn't have his beer or food in the house, I was yelled at.  Opps, I cooked and was tired from work so I sat down without doing the dishes, crap, yelled at again.  He did whatever he wanted. Needless to say, I drank and drank, and drank cuz I had to get away. He drank, so he didn't care, as long as things were done. I got stuff done cuz I had a nice buzz and I was going 90 miles every night and day. Sleep, what's sleep? Fun on the weekends, what fun?What did I do for me? Nothing, I, his slave and was there for my daughter.  After moving me and building a house on acres of land, he decided I drank too much, he didn't. He didn't have enough time to hunt, motorcycle ride, fish and do guy things, he had to do what "he" wanted to do without me complaining that he wasn't there for me and my daughter. So, he got rid of me. He divorced me 2 years ago. Gee, I'm 1 year 8 months sober, no husband, sober, Gee. He did ask me to come back, guess he decided he hated cleaning, cooking and doing things and not having time for him. Oh my, his girlfriend moved in right after we separated, I guess he got another slave.  I knew better not to fall for it again.

But he still hurts me deeply. Our daughter is going to Europe this summer and she's supposed to raise money. I told him that it wasn't a good idea because I couldn't go in on half. Teachers+money= barely making it. 

He calls me tonight all yelling at me cuz $3,000 is due on our daughter's bill and he can't pay it. Oh, did I tell you he's bought 2 acres of land and is having his "new" house built. I'm in an interest only home, making no equity. Hanging on each teacher penny, still buying clothes at 75% off at outlet stores.

So, I'm crying, upset and pissed as hell cuz once again, he's gotten to me at our daugther's expense.  He's so unreal.  I'm so mad I wanted to punch the computer, but then I couldn't get to this site to vent and talk to my friends who care.

I guess I'm calm now. It's just too much. Holidays are hard, being on my own is hard, my daughter deserves more and he's a jerk about everything. 

I guess I'm done-again. I hate getting this upset about him.  He still pisses me off, still hurts me, still a jerk.  yada, yada, yada!

Oh Lord, help me to forgive him, help me to carry on in your plan for me. Grant me peace so I can sleep tonight because I have a really busy day tomorrow.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. I had to get this off my chest.  I won't let it go though, it's not over. He'll be nagging at me, but at least I can pray and not pick up a drink over it now. My mind will crawl with my emotions of past shit.  Upcoming s**t from him and just s**t. S**T. s**t.  Yes, teachers can cuss. I hate it, but I'm mad. Sorry. 

OK, I'm rambling and I'm gonna stop.  Breathe, Breathe.  OK, fine.

Love to all. God loves you and so do I,

Tina

Tags: Angry

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I knew it would happen.  Everyone warned me. She has done better than I did when I was 16 going on 17.  She makes straight A's as a junior in High School, she will be going to Europe on a gifted foreign exchange program, works hard to make money to maintain her car. But, my daughter got drunk New Years Eve. Oh the frightful fears, many demons, guilt, horror that has set into my soul.  I rehashed my drinking since 17 till 39.  That was my New Years gift to me, I'm sober, but crying and not really sure what to do. The many horror stories I relived in my head, the pain I put others through, the agony of getting sober (not knowing it would be the best thing in the world for me). I'm so numb right, I'm not sure what to think really.

Alcoholism goes from my great-grandad, to my dad, to me and my brother who still hasn't found serenity.  My mother and I have prayed that the curse of alcoholism has been broken and stopped at me.  She wasn't driving or with anyone driving, claims it was her "1st" and she knows better not to continue because she "learned from me what she doesn't want to do",  "It's New Years mom, I wanted to celebrate!"  At least I could see her hanging her head ove the tolit later that night and hearing her claiming, "this isn't worth it".  But, uh, I did the same.

She's my only child. My ex drinks so he'll be no help and probably harder on her if he knew.  So, I'm pulled in so many directions. Not even sure what to think right now.  NUMB ALL OVER.

GOD PLEASE DON'T LET MY DAUGHTER TURN INTO AN ALCOHOLIC!  PLEASE!!!!!  My daughter and I have endured so much.  She knows better, has a better head than I did. Doesn't she?

So, on my wonderful New Years Day, I'm seeking and begging for help and guidance on this.  We've all been there, but her actions don't have to follow what I did, do they?  I can't freak out on her? I have to remain calm.  I have to watch what I say because this can determine things? Will it?  Oh, I'm so confused...................................... HELP!

Tina   

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December 27th- 1 year 8 months sober. I submitted a blog Dec. 22 about my first Happy Christmas. But, as I sit here tonight, I'm feeling so blue.  The holidays are hard for me. My husband left me Oct. 2004, (17 years) so I had a very horrible holiday 2004, 2005 I was so sad, but sober; now, 2006 I'm happy, but sad and Thank God still sober. Makes since, NO! I think about how far I've come. I've met a wonderful man who adores me and even tonight something was different. Me I guess?  I still think of all the holidays with my ex and our only daughter.  It was happy, so I thought. So why do I miss it and  him. I guess I'm still not sure of who I am, and that I'm supposed to be treated the right way because he sure didn't do it right. I don't even know if what I'm writing even makes any sense right now.

I have these mood swings, I'm off due to my vacation so I'm not as busy.  My mind races. Something scared me though. My daughter is out with her boyfriend. Mine went home. I'm alone and for a split sec, a drink crossed my mind. I have nothing, and I'd never drive to buy anything, but that showed me how my mind is playing games again. Why do I need a drink? I've gained so much from NOT taking that drink. Earlier today, I wanted to reflect on how happy and far I've come and right now, I'm writing something totally depressing. What Gives?

I guess I need to do some major praying. I should just know that this too shall pass. God is on my side and Satan is playing on my weak side. I think I heard that it takes 8 years to be free of the hurt from a long-lasting marriage divorce.  So, maybe I'm just rehashing pain since I'm alone.  I hate self-pity and here I am.

At least I have a place to vent, share and when needed, I help.  I'll be totally in a different mood tomorrow, hopefully happy again. 

Tina

Tags: Depressed

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My two weeks of vacation start today and I can't tell you how excited I am. (I'm a teacher. Yes, we get vacations, but the personal time spent while working makes up for the days off:)

This is my FIRST Happy Christmas since a distructive, out-of-the blue divorce in Oct. 2004 after 18 years of marriage and a 15 year old. I almost d**ned near killed myself over it while drinking and driving many times,  I didn't care. Everyone would be better without me and I didn't know anything about me or life cuz I was a slave to my husband (I later found out).

My husband drank, but I was considered the "alcoholic".  Now, 1 year and 8 months sober, I feel alive. It was God's disquise in getting me out of a terrible marriage.  I found that I'm a person, I have emotions, I'm not a personal slave, etc. I drank because I was so unhappy. I thought I was just a trouble maker, I should be happy right. A nice home, jobs, material things, friends, yeah right.

After my husband moved us to another city he left me: alone, new city, new job, no friends. I drank to utter destruction like I said. Two Christmas' and New Years went by with me barely hanging on. April 27th 2005, I dropped to my knees asking God to save me. (My parents had a big part in helping me as well)

Now, here I am, having a sober, Happy- Merry Christmas. My realationship with my daughter healed, now she's almost 17, straight A student, hard worker. I've met a man who adores me and treats me like a person.  I'm amazed that I'm supposed to be treated like a lady, and I don't "have to do" all the time.

I couldn't have done it without God who saved me. He had a plan all along and while I couldn't see it (and I cursed at Him many times), He had it all under control. Even getting me into the right city where I could heal and get sober while going thru a divorce.

Thanks for letting me share. I'm so glad I found this site so I can share and let myself be me and not be judged. I still don't have many friends here because life keeps me busy, and I can't really share what I've been through in the "education" world. Teachers aren't supposed to drink and have problems, they are there to solve all the children's problems and their parents' problems also. It's very sad and takes the wind out of teaching.

God Bless to All! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  God is an Awesome God:)

Tina 

Tags: Serene

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Very tired. I fought an upper respiratory infection 3 months ago, which led to meds that messed up my stomach/digestive system, 9 weeks of crap problems, now I'm coughing again and I'm just sick and tired of being SICK.  That's one reason I started drinking long ago, because I was sick all the time with infections from sinus to everything else. Pain was always in my life, so why not numb it with alcohol. Then, one thing led to another.

So, taking one day at a time. I want to win this like everyone else here!

Tina

Tags: Tired

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I found my Acceptance prayer and did some reflecting since I'm taking so many things so seriously again.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I'm disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes...

Tina 

Tags: Reflective

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