Sometimes it feels like I have to go backwards to go forwards.There was a time when I could love openly,entirely,completely.Going back there seems like a great idea.I realize now that my addiction has stopped me from advancing to deeper

knowledge of self and that I need a reset button to go back to that point.From there I could  move forward normally.But it does not work that way.I need to move ahead  from where I am at this time.I have broken something that I cant fix and that does not want to be fixed.I am going to go forward and keep doing the best that I can for myself,and change will happen as it does.I know that if I work on myself that I can eventually love openly,entirely,completely again.

Peace,Donovan

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this has been a tough week. I got into a big fight with the wife about space and needs for same.I was not respecting the boundaries that she needed to have and
now I am couch surfing at a friends.I am still sober,though and all things considered in a pretty good frame of mind.I am peaceful about the changes, and hopeful for the future.Fortunately,I had made an appointment with a very good marriage counselor and she had agreed to go with me before we had the fight,because I dont know if she would have gone after.Meeting her there Thursday at 3:00.

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I am new to every part of sobriety especially the no alcohol and drugs part.I grew up in an enviroment where testing and challenging each other about what had been in our bodies was an accepted part of growing up.And I dont mean bong hits or maybe getting the bum out back of the Safeway to buy you some wine coolers.I have always not talked about it because of real illegal stuff.Since then I have moved on in my life to some extent but not that much because of the money that can be made by making things for the real "drug dealers".It has become a real issue for me because i do not want my boys to get into the same lifestyle as me.I have been having a really hard time for several years with this paradox and I have become a heavy drinker while giving up other drugs(including legal ones).I am to the point where i can mock somebody for taking Advil or double Espressos while I am drinking 2 pints of vodka a day.I have a really hard time being as hypocritical as I have been.That has made it difficult to accept the fact that,yes I am an alcoholic,and just because I think that "normal people" are worse than me because of the bad stuff that they do,does not make me any better.PEACE TO ALL

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