What I am trying to do is change my negative thoughts. I unconsciously get into a groove where I try to beat myself up, and I know that it is part of my disease, and I think too down of myself and forget all the good qualities about myself. As my disease has progressed tremendously.

I need help, and I cant do it alone. So I am trying to develop interdependence. This is day 1 of a new life. I am becoming more aware of myself. And when a negative thought pops into my mind, I need think the opposite, "I love you"... My sponsor told me that I haven't forgiven that inner child in me, take a picture of myself from the early years and talk to that picture, have a conversation and admit some things to the little boy. I am putting way too much pressure on the little boy right now by trying to handle things that he cannot handle. I am the little boy still, and I am relentless with him... I will not give him the time of day, he is the last on my list of people to care for. He can't handle me beating up on my friends, or me trying to depend to much on others. Its time to reconnect with that boy from around  8 years old... I need to connect with him because he's all I got, and I need to love him. And let that poor little boy get some rest. I feel so bad for him.

I can do this by looking at myself in the mirror, having positive conversations with myself. Getting into a routine every night before going to bed with prayer and meditation.

Little boy, please try and forgive me just for the moment of what I have done to you. I miss you, I want you to have fun, I want to grow with you. I love you little boy, and I no longer want to be abusive to you...

I am giving people more chances, i have to because people in the program when I first came in gave me plenty of chances. And my friend, ive put him through alot over the years, my best friend who hasn't called me back and I've depended too much on him, I love him for being a friend, and we'll see how it goes with it, but I respect you for what you do Jeff.

I am not the man who I want to be today. But I am not the man who I used to be. And just for today thats okay by me...

Love,

Sam

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Question for discussion:

Does the 12 step program work in all cultures and all religions?

Tags: Opinions

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I am a food addict

man i just had quite an experience tonight, A MASSIVE MASSSSSSIVE CRAVING FOR ICE CREAM AND I PUT A COOKIE IN IT.

I MELTED THE ice cream (strawberry's in cream that had choclate already in it, and proceeded to put a chocolate chip cookie in it and put( in the microwave...

So i had it in front of me, and i was contemplating, and i went on the www.stepchat.com recovery site as i usually do but this time instead of eating the ice cream and s**t while talking about my problem, i stopped and just talked about my problem and told them about my crisis with what i have in front of me.

Kala told me to pick the bowl up, step away from teh computer, and flush it down the toilet.

I did it.

Than I journaled on it, ive been doig a 24 hour log of my response to things.

Kala than suggested peppermint tea, which I had, so i drank that (WItthout honey lol)... gotta be 100% honest, and as i waited for the tea, i was watching tv with my mom and she was a little messed up on her sleeping medication, i proceeded TO ACTUALLY GO THROUGH WITHDRAWALS WITHIN A MATTER OF MINUTES FROM THROWING THAT ICE CREAM DOWN THE TOILET... holy s**t scary... Than i proceeded to tell my mom that Im a food addict and she rolled her eyes and didn't believe me and really frustrated me. Only i ever know...

Tags: Experience Of Learning For Recovery

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Hi,

This is a continuation of the Salvia research page.

I am trying to get these books from a world wide library through the college that I am going to be going through, this is not easy at all. I am determined to get it, i really am. But its annoying because its frustrating. I got a good hint to get these books to find where I want to go with the progression. Supposedly I am supposed to look for the "root" in Mazatec society of where the first documented existance of the plant Salvia Divinorum was found. I kno wit must have been found before that. But I am digging back into history, to find out what happened to all these people who used to use the Sage for divine wisdom "experiencing god", to see how long they lived, and what damage was done to their brain, i'm trying to dig deep into history, to see how history pans out and always has.

These are some of the following books that I am trying to find: Including journals, articles, volumes.

Siebert, D.J. 1994 Salvinorin A: Notes of Caution. The Entheogen Review Vol 3, No 4;2-3

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Hey,

My fellowshipping night was a blast tonight. First time I can say that I had fun fellowshipping. And no it wasn't all about the food, I really tried to get into it and I did. Yes I felt in the clown seat because it was my first time doing it with this group and I felt like I had to act perfect, and I didn't know these people at all really, but I let myself off the hook. (Still right now though im trying to make myself feel that I should have talked more, i should have been more of myself). One of my defects beating the crap out of myself for no good reason. But, my hp will help me get through this stuff... I can't do it alone, and I will go after this fellowshipping again, as its the only way i'm going to be more comfortalbe with myself is to KEEP COMING BACK.

Familiar sang eh? KCB... It applies to all areas of life ive found.

So anyawys tonight, I met this guy at the meeting who I'm still getting to know, but he's really cool (Hes disabled with 1 arm) (To Clarify i met him about 4 months ago in recovery at a meeting) Isn't this funny how you put out your hand to someone and it can go a long long way?? This is so cool... I also saw my former sponsee brother there who i talked with a little bit, but i talked to him over the phone earlier today and I knew he was going to be there he told me. So the meeting was good tonite, it was in the city (Chicago), and i've been to this meeting a couple times, but was always afraid to be social because it was an intimidating big meeting.  So I made the decision to go out to dinner with these people afterwards, I thougt there were only going to be like 4 people that went out to dinner. There were 18 people that went out!!! What a group, we made the diner i'm tellin ya, 7 or 8 gay people, 4 cute chicks and the rest straight guys. Some of them danced, there was music, good recovery talk and lets of laughing and fun. I had a ball i truly did. Exposing myself to the world, there is a world out there ya know!

I saw how much i changed, and how unserious i was trying to be, but not like insanely people pleasing or any s**t like that. But I tried to loosen up and I feel I did just a tiny bit, progress not perfection... I also saw my counselor from rehab there, who was at the meeting too, little di di know that this was his homegroup... I couldn't believe it. I actually went fellowshipping WITH MY COUNSELOR IN REHAB HAH!

I love this program, i really do, im all giddy and excited and s**t. Oh mr.ding dong!

Tags: HAHA

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