I've always known that I've done things that have harmed others. I put off doing the 4th Step because I already knew what I would write. I kept those secrets in journals that I burned year-to-year (to get rid of the past). Because I wrote them so many times (starting a journal over again, just to burn it when the following year). I've gone to confession (I'm Catholic) annually and was forgiven of my sins.

Why rehash all these journals and confessions?

Sunday afternoon, I was surfing the SoberRecovery forums and read "Just Do It!" I did it - Step 4!

I wrote them out! Finally! But, I got confused about those Resentments.

I went through these with my sponsor (the 5th Step), and admitted my confusion. When we got to "my part" - I really had some resentments that were others faults. When I shared these, my sponsor was able to help me identify my faults.

i.e. I had this gal that continuously stole from me. I always forgave her. We hung out, she "borrowed" money, she "borrowed" things, and our friendship ended when she stole my credit card from my house.

Here I was avoiding retaliation or argument with my "friend" for not returning my things...I was trying to be helpful by forgiving, but she keeps stealing from me... I was trying to be kind and tolerant of her actions.

I was angry with her and resent her for taking advantage of my goodness.

But what was I doing wrong? Where was I to blame?

My sponsor helped me identify my codependency issues: I was self-seeking, looking for friends ("in all the wrong places"). I wanted friends; I would rather have friends steal from me, than have no one at all. That led me into "hanging out with the wrong crowd" all the time.

Whew!

I'm glad I'm here - and I'll keep coming back!

Tags: Secrets Step4 Love Resentment

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After my tiff at work - my character default at work - I've been able to slow down. Not slow down at working, but slowing down my thoughts at work.

It's amazing when I let my Higher Power work with me! The stresses seem to disappear.

Today: In the daily meditation book, Keep It Simple, it reads:

We learn how to pause and think before we act. We ask, "What is the best way to handle this?" ... We listen to our actions, and we think about them. This listening and thinking takes time. This slows us down. It gives us time to talk without Higher Power.

I can't imagine  a more perfect meditation than how my past week has been going!!

Prayer for the Day: I pray that I don't get caught up in the rush of the day. Higher Power, teach me to stop and think, to seek Your wisdom.

Action for the Day: Today, I'll set aside time to think, meditate, and be alone. I will listen to what's inside me.

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April is almost over, and with that is a letter for my personal file.

"My expectations for the future: to treat everyone who walks into the office with a sense of dignity and respect."

Although "I am capable of showing others uncommon kindness and sensitivity", sadly, it is the rare occassions and the bad days that get me in trouble, and not the focus of the letter.

I'm not angry for my boss doing what had to be done.

I am angry that he had to bring something that happened "several years ago, owing to similar complaints."

I was able to indicate that our boss does not meet with us on continuous basis to discuss business, issues, concerns or training.

Tags: Character_default Confidence Arrogance

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During my drinking and my Recovery I have procrastinated at work.

#1-Last month I was angry at myself for letting an important change that needed several signatures sit. I had believed the paperwork was completed, just to find out that I never printed the paperwork nor got the required signatures.

Yes, this hurt my pride. I let people down. I rushed the paperwork.

I realized that my desk was a mess. I didn't have the organization of what was completed, what needed to be completed, or what needed to be filed!

#2-I began to clear up the wreckage of my desktop which was being rampage and overfilled with files that "should have been" completed weeks ago, or files that needed no action, just filed. Whew! What a task!!

#3-I found an invoice that needed immediate attention, got the required signature, and sent it through the mail to the next department.

Late last week I received it back because the account did not have enough funds to cover the amount. I left work early because of an appointment with my Doctor (for my ear).

While I was gone, the coordinator was looking for a follow-up on payment on the invoice and my boss was trying to be helpful in getting it paid. Only no one knew that it was on my desk and it was to my priority Tuesday morning.

It was my priority. But became my nemesis when "everyone" was involved and it was apparant that I did not complete the invoice in a timely manner.

The lack of funds were clear miscommunication between which funds to use when ordering supplies. It should not have effected this invoice, and the other funds were used for the difference of this invoice.

I apologized to those i needed to, but now because of this, every detail in the account has become everyone's business.

It was my mistake and now makes me accountable to more than one individual on this particular account.

#4-Yesterday another assistant was in looking for information on getting a Purchase Order for a printing. At the onset I wasn't excited because I did not plan an event within three weeks. I was frustrated before he spoke, knowing that my weeks would be filled with chaos because prior planning was not used.

That was my fault. My frustration was filled with arrogant and sarcastic remarks in the beginning. I caught myself and affirmed myself take it as it is now. I patiently instructed the "proper paperwork procedure" speech I use to ensure those not keen to what needs to be done understand why. I used tact and was very informative.

That was my belief.

His feelings - as he wrote to my boss - I was lecturing, belittling and aggressive. He said I treated him like a school-child.

I immediately felt remorse. I was humiliated that someone looked at me in that matter.

I made my ammends to both my boss, the assistant and the advisor. I apologize that I was arrogant and sarcastic; however, I felt I was offering much needed information that would ensure the transaction was handled correctly, with little time we had to work with.

Again - now I am accountable to more than one individual to assure the printing and invoice are complete before the event.

My character defects for the week: arrogant, sarcastic, bitchy, procrastination, pride.

What a month. Is it over, yet?

Tags: Procrastination Pride

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This week:

1. I met one gal at AA that has a pill addiction - she drank when her pills did not change her feelings. We've been friends for over a month. Last week, she stopped attending meetings because her anxiety grew and she could not control her emotions. Less than a week later she is now in behavioral health clinic.

2. I had a friend call me that I haven't heard from in over 3-months since I started recovery. She was my "partner-in-crime", my drinking buddy. She went to two AA meetings when I first started attending. We weren't in contact for awhile because she said "I'm not like you."

She called me a couple nights ago. She now believes she is ready to quit her drinking binges. She doesn't think she is like me because I stopped with no DT's. I told her to look for the similarities in our drinking pattern - not the differences in the how, why or when we started our addiction.

I'm learning from these experiences that I cannot force someone to have what I have learned through my Recovery.

I'm learning to let go and let God handle other people's problems.

I've learned I can only make suggestions. I am not in control how other's live their life.

No matter how much I want it for others - I can't do it.

As told in many meetings: "There is God and I'm not it!"

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After 3 months in my Recovery Program, I've been catching meetings on the fly. Now - I can actually attend meetings and study the Big Book now.

I find the ones I enjoy the most actually fit into my schedule - doesn't God work wonders?

Monday - 6:30pm, "How it Works", (from Big Book, Chapter 4)

Tuesday - 6:30pm, 1-2-3 Step Study (from 12x12)

Tuesday - 8:30pm, 4-12 Step Study (from 12x12)

Wednesday - 6:30pm - aftercare with Recovery Program

Thursday - 6:30pm, 10th & 11th Step Study (from Big Book, pgs 86-88)

Friday - 6:30pm, Doctor's Opinion (from Big Book, pgs xxv-xxii)

Friday - 8:30pm, "There is a solution" (from Big Book, Chapter 2)

Saturday - 8:30am, Keep It Simple, crosstalk (Open Participation)

Sunday - 8:30am, AA Literature Study ("A Member's Eye View")

Do I have a life? Well, yes. I work full-time 8am-5pm. My husband and I are together on the weekends. He let's me spend time doing something for myself and he does his thing (mostly golf).

I am grateful for the opportunity to take in as many meetings as I can.

I am also a Google-nut. I continue to find other resources that help me succeed. My favorite site is www.12step.org.

So one day at a time.

And loving every day.

Tags: Meetings Recovery

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Need I say more?

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I completed the Phase II program today. I received a coin -"Keep It SImple"- from my Group - graduating me from the ERG (3-nights-a-week) to the CRG (one-night-a-week). It's a great "ceremony" when those in my group "rub-in" something in my coin. I received many comments about my "humor" - huh, I thought I just laughed! I am told that I should continue to find humor in the bad situations, because it will help me continue see life on life's term.

I also had those rubbing in to stay real, and to stay honest. It was motivating to hear that I inspired others with my Step One presentation.

I will miss my Group - BUT - I'll see them around when I go in for Wednesday evenings - they'll be coming out of Group and to Education and I'll be going in for my new Group-time!

It's amazing the bond I've formed with the Group. God has a way of placing you in places and people at the right times. Hmmm... His time, not mine. I'm learning.

I'm grateful I started the Group when I did. I'll be just as grateful to begin a new group and continue to learn in my Recovery.

One-night-a-week for one year. Seems like a long time - but these past 89 days went by quick.

What could get better?

Ha! Getting my 90-day chip at my meeting Friday night! Whoo-hoo!

So, I'm just rambling. So, I'll stop.

I'll keep coming back!

Many thanks for your all your support here on myrecoveryspace.com!

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While I've been in Recovery, I've been gaining knowledge about why I started, what happened, and what do I do now. The Recovery Program Ive been attending has three different phases.
Phase I: (a) 21 day program, with seven outside meetings, and/or (b) 3 months, 4-nights a week with four outside meetings. Some individuals enter at either step, depending on their case.
Phase II: #1(a) 21 day program, then, (b) 6 months, 3-nights a week with three-four outside meetings; or Phase II #2 (a) 3 months, 3-nights a week with three outside meetings.
Phase III, (a) 12months, 1-night a week with two-three outside meetings.

I started the Phase II #2 on January 8th. I am graduating this week (Thursday) and will start my Phase III next week on Wednesday evenings.

Before moving from Phase II to Phase III, the individual has to present a "Step One" to the group. The purpose of this step is to acknowledge "powerless" and "unmanageability" in our own life. I presented my last Thursday (3/27).  I'll share these questions and my responses.

Three things that I did when using alcohol or other drugs - things that you would not do when sober.
(1) Driving with broken wrists
(2) Buying $5,000 worth of cigars
(3) Falling asleep in my garage

Three ways I violated my own value system when using alcohol or other drugs.
(1) family values
(2) finances
(3) personal welfare

Three personality changes that occurred when I was using alcohol or other drugs.
(1) I became obnoxiously loud
(2) I was a daredevil
(3) I was a big spender

Three time I tried to quit and resumed using:
*I never tried to "quit" forever, but there were many episodes when I would stop drinking for awhile.
(1) Mornings after: hangovers and blackouts I've said: "I'm never gonna do that again!"
(2) Broke my wrists
(3) after the DUI in my car

Three times I physically hurt myself or others as a result of using:
(1) broken wrists
(2) skinned, now scarred, knee
(3)  bruised hip

How else has powerlessness revealed itself in my own personal experience:
When trying to work or babysit while hungover; Losing friends

How has my body been hurt?
Broken bones, possible alcohol poisoning, memory loss.

Three examples of personality traits that block me from admitting powerlessness:
(1) Pride
(2) Intelligence
(3) Strength

What convinces me that I can no longer use alcohol or drugs safely?
Although I can stop after having one drink (sometimes I didn't even finish my beer!), the frequency I drink excessively was overwhelming.

Are you an alcoholic or chemically dependent person? I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I smoked pot. Almost too much. I never went out looking it, but when I got offered some, I smoked excessively. I have an addictive personality - I cannot use "safely".

What does unmanageability mean to you?
Not maintaining a continuity in areas of life: i.e. meeting deadline or doing what is expected.

Three incidents that took place while I was using that led me to feel shame:
(1) Financial insecurities
(2) Missed work deadlines
(3) Lied

Give examples of my behavior when I tried to "quit without a program."
Isolation of myself from others. I was angry, overcontrolling, overconfident.

Three examples of how alcohol and drug use interfered with personal goals:
(1) Job advancement (complacency, felt too comfortable where I was at)
(2) Savings
(3) Honesty

Three examples of feelings that I tried to alter by using chemicals:
(1) anger
(2) disappointment
(3) sensitivity

Three examples of healthier ways I've learned to deal with my feelings
(1) talk them out
(2) knowledge
(3) prayer & meditation

Chances are that some crisis brought you to recovery. What crisis besides this one would have eventually happened if I kept using?
A DUI, A trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, or death

What changes in my life do I hope to make sobriety?
To handle life on life's term and to live one-day at a time.

Write six personal promises I hope to keep in recovery:
(1) Prayer (talking to God)
(2) Meditation (listening to God)
(3) Going to meetings
(4) Working the Steps - everyday
(5) Keeping it Real-Honest
(6) Journaling, self-Inventory
Helping others
Calling my sponsor
Keep Learning about Recovery

And I'll keep coming back!

Tags: Steps Alcohol Acceptance Powerlessness Unmanageability

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