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Reality Check Last night, in talking with a fellow who I work with as a guide and mentor, I was faced with a reality check. It was a reminder, and a mini-awakening. Seated in the room with me was a friend of long standing, a doctor, who through abuse of substance and things that can go with it, has suffered serious brain damage. While his wife is out of town, he stays with us. During the phone conversation, the discussion basic stuff, accepting that we are powerless over certain things in our life, and by fighting the powerless aspect and repeating behaviors, our lives become unmanageable. During the conversation, I looked up, and was struck but the huge irony. Here I was on the phone with a highly trained white collar professional, a man who serves others well in a well known profession. Sitting in the room with me was a doctor, an award winner in his profession who had lost nearly all but his life to substance abuse. And the conversation focused on a very basic to me. If I chose to use my addictions of choice, why would I expect a different outcome than what all my past “research” had indicted would happen. It is funny how insane acts and behaviors can be a part of the lives of otherwise high performing, well educated, people. Simply put, it is more often than we realise, and I was one of those people. I have an anniversary coming up that will mark 14 years on a journey free from addictions. It is a miracle, and I certainly have had a tremendous amount of help along the way. The biggest change in my life is due to a “spiritual awakening”, and no, I did not get religion. 14 years ago it became abundantly clear to me through a series of events, that if I did not make major changes, all that was near and dear to me would go. Little did I know that day that what was gone at that moment was me. I was not healthy from a mental hygiene point of view, and was spiritually bankrupt. My self-esteem was shot, and I did things to please others, in part to hide what was inside of me and in part to validate my existence. A journey began, and through the help of outside experts, I learned very quickly that if things were going to change, I had to want them to change just for me, be prepared to do whatever it took to find who I was, particularly to re-find the good within, be honest on a daily basis (and in particular to quit lying to myself), to open up to others and realize that I was not responsible to run the world, that there was something bigger than me that was the director of the universe, and my help was not required. What a start to a journey. The first real progress came when I fully accepted my situation and bought in to the results of the research I had done. I surrendered to the facts. When I did certain things, most of the time, I would end up causing some chaos for me and on many occasions, for others. What relief in accepting and surrendering to facts. I was then ready to go on what has proved to be a very interesting journey full of challenges, change and satisfaction. A journey that on a daily basis so far has kept me from destructive old behaviors, and has allowed me to really like who I have become. If I continue, I know, as a person, I will continue to grow and improve. So there I sat last night. My intelligent cohort on the phone, my doctor friend in the room. Both thinking that just maybe they could safely turn to their addiction of choice. My phone friend facing all kinds of new adversities after being dealt with by the court systems a year ago, and my visitor not able to function independently on a daily basis. Is this insanity? This was truly a reality check for me; not only about how I lead my own life, but it reconfirmed what a part of my purpose is in life work, to try and help others find a better way.
Tags: Certifiedlifecoachaddiction Help Recovery Realitywww.hopeserenity.ca
You Be You-I’ll Be Me On of the great things about being a coach and being involved with a lot of people, is that you get to listen a lot! Something that comes through on a regular basis, and I’m likely guilty as well, is that many of us seem to want to “fix” people close to us because they don’t behave “our” way. Wanting to have others live how we want, and conversely, trying to live how we think others want, drives us mad. There is an old saying around, “Live and Let Live”. May it be ingrained in me today. You are a unique and talented individual. You are capable of having an abundant life and have a set of strengths and talents that are yours. I want you to be you. I’d love to see you be a person who believes in themselves. I also realize it is OK to just be me. Frequently I use an image of Popeye in association with work. He represents my philosophy, I am what I am and that’s all that I am. I have grown to like being me, and try to treat “me” like a work in progress, well, but room for improvement. It is beyond my capacity to change others. Others may listen, weigh, and make changes in their lives. It is them who make the changes, and the only meaningful changes happen when it is done for self. While others may also benefit, only changes I want for me will stick. I under estimated the power of goals, and their role in letting me be me. I did need help to define certain goals for my life. I revaluate them and check results on a regular basis. In moving towards defined goals, I can be a happier me. My goals are my goals and came from within me. During a coaching session last night, my client told me why her life was not abundant. She pointed to her significant other. She told me that they have agreed to certain behaviors and HE was not doing what she thought he should do. Funny thing, she is being coached and making change. She is growing a realizing her dreams/goals. He is living his life as per status quo, and has done nothing demonstrable to make change for him. It appears that he is content with himself at this point in time, and my client has to accept it. He is being him. Why this example? If my client is to move to who she wants to be, she must focus on herself and not try to be him! As we move ahead daily, I’ll do my best to be me, and try to let others be who they are, not what I think they should be.
Tags: Addiction Recovery Help CertifiedLife Coachresults
Live Today- Things Change Quickly I awoke this morning to a brilliant blue sky, and an awareness that something subtle had changed. I have a funeral to attend today. I attend meetings on a fairly regular basis. I am a creature of habit, and have been sitting in the same area of the meeting for years. I look around the room and there is a certain comfort in seeing familiar faces. There are people that you come across that you don’t get to know all that well for 100 reasons, but do have conversations, the odd dinner together, and each time your in a place together, go out of your way to say hello to each other and share a quip and a smile. Tonight, as I attend my regular meeting, one of those faces will not be there. This afternoon I will attend his funeral and say a goodbye that I need to say. He brightened and enriched my life in a way I can’t explain, and I’ll miss him. He loved his motor cycle, and it was gorgeous, and after the funeral he will be taken on his final ride. Many of us will be with him in spirit. This man was younger than I, wanted a journey to recovery, but never quite got it. I understand his last few weeks were spent in a less than happy place, and I feel bad for not knowing that. In a very sad way, his passing has given me a real reminder- live today. Today is what we have and things change quickly. Funny, this is one of several deaths I’ve seen among people I have got to know at meetings. They don’t all go directly as a result of their addiction, but in most cases pass from something that should have been avoided by living a more balanced life. Addictions impair judgment. My father’s premature death was an example that today’s funeral will make real again. In his case, after an early retirement, his drinking took off. The higher power that I understand gives us all choices. For me, it was only by the grace of my higher power and my higher power looking after me when I forsook myself, that led me to a place where I made a good choice for myself, and began a journey to recover a better life and make use of the good talents that were god given. I make choices daily now that are not impaired, and have had a life that I thought would not be possible fourteen years ago. And it keeps getting better! Today, in living, I will go and say goodbye to a man I will miss. A close friend? No, but a man who added in his own way to my journey, and a man who was truly a “fellow”. I don’t need to know specifics about what happened. I know there were people in his life that loved him dearly and cared. I know, just by seeing him as often as I did, that he wanted a better life, and I am aware, that at his end point, his addiction was active. I can’t pretend to understand why things happen and why some find the path and others don’t. There is no logic, only what is. Today, part of my living is saying goodbye. I will live today, remember, and help others using the gifts I have been given. My “fellow” will be remembered on his last ride, and in spirit going forward when I glance around the room. I am thankful to be given the chance to live today!
Tags: Certified Life Coach Addiction Recovery Results Awakening
You Are Special and Unique As I do my coaching thing, there is one thing that is a mainstay. Each of us is special and unique. Each of us has talents, and each of us is capable of setting goals and achieving them. I am a recovered person from addictions who is constantly recovering. This coupled with a great business career, some great coaching in certain aspects of my life, and obtaining coaching certification, makes me fairly unique in my field, and allows me, through experience, to help clients achieve results in varied areas of their lives, including addiction recovery. I love seeing lives restored to the greatness that is there! I was privileged to get the article below, and want to share it with all, addicted or just looking for a better life; a bigger, richer, happier life! “We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and adventure to discover our own special light.
-- Mary Dunbar
All of us are gifted. Every person has a gift that can bring great joy and light to those who encounter it. Our task is to stand in the sun and create a climate that will develop and nurture our gift.
Sometimes we are afraid to let ourselves believe we have anything special to offer or contribute to the world. We think of ourselves as plain and untalented, with no gifts or special potential. But if we believe we are limited, we act in a limited way. We take few risks and follow few paths that might develop our special talents and gifts.
In recovery we are learning to love ourselves and trust ourselves in a whole new way. Now anything is possible. To fully believe in our talents, we need only step from the darkness into the sun. We will take this first step, trust enough, and start believing that; yes, we do have special gifts.
Today let me be aware of my deep and unfilled desires, dreams, and wishes, which is the first step on the way to accepting our gifts.” I am glad to have discovered my purpose and gifts, and love working with others to help them find their unique place!
Tags: Life Restoration Coach Certified Recovery Coach Addiction
I Have the Right to be Wrong It’s taken me a long time to learn, and I was reminded again in working with a client today, I have the right to be wrong. Oft times, upon reflection, I am wrong. New behaviors dictate that when I know I am wrong, I promptly admit it, and make amends when needed. I’ve also learned that if I don’t try things, not much new will happen. Everything I try does not work out. I have made what in retrospect are large mistakes, but through them I have grown. Today, I was listening to a person beat themselves up over a mistake. Did the self-administered beating lead to anything productive for the person other than get them to pull into a shell? Both of us knew the answer. Was there learning available? There sure was, the action certainly fell under the heading of what I call a sin of commission, a nothing ventured nothing gained! On a daily business, I must remember, I have the right to be wrong. I have free will, and have yet not learned to exercise it 100% correctly, but then, I’m work in progress. In the journey, to make progress, it is sometimes two steps forward and one step back, but this results, overall in progress!! That’s all one can ask. It was a great weekend and a chance for reflection as I took time way from the computer and the “business” things I do, which are at times intensely personal. During a competitive round of golf, and in conversation with some I am closest to in my life, I made some mistakes and was far less than perfect. That was OK. It’s great to realize I have the right to be wrong; it is how I deal with it that matters. Many feel driven to be “perfect” or hit a home run in every life at bat they face. It doesn’t happen, and we have to accept our humanness. Each of us has the right to be wrong, and when wrong, deal with it in a loving fashion. What a relief to accept I’m merely human and certainly not in charge of much outside of my own life!
Tags: Recovery Coach Life Results
Having Fun Yet? Recently, life has been full of challenges that a larger than the norm. When issues are directly related to blood family, they can be more stressful than most issues. Money gets in there too. On a frequent basis, I ask myself, “Are We Having Fun Yet?” I began the journey I’m on to change so that I could get a life back that was a pleasure to live. My 12 step program and all that it has exposed me to and given me, is a huge part of the life I am enjoying. The help of “outside professionals” has also played a large part in where I’m at today. Here is another of those timely articles that I receive, and that show up at the right moment. “…we aren't a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders.” Alcoholics Anonymous, page 132 When my own house is in order, I find the different parts of my life are more manageable. Stripped from the guilt and remorse that cloaked my drinking years, I am free to assume my proper role in the universe, but this condition requires maintenance. I should stop and ask myself, Am I having fun yet? If I find answering that question difficult or painful, perhaps I'm taking myself too seriously - and finding it difficult to admit that I've strayed from my practice of working the program to keep my house in order. I think the pain I experience is one way my Higher Power has to get my attention, coaxing me to take stock of my performance. The slight time and effort it takes to work the program - a spot-check inventory, for example, or the making of amends, whatever is appropriate - are well worth the effort. I can take myself too seriously, but thankfully, have experiences that remind me there is still a child within. I try to keep my side of the street clean on a very regular basis, and have hope and serenity, joy, in my life on a frequent basis. On the whole, I am happy, and love to work with others to help then find internal answers that we allow them too to answer the question positively! With that being said, I’ll enhance happiness by staying away from the computer for a portion of the weekend!! Enjoy it!!
Formula for Failure While reflecting on the early part of my life, seeing and understanding what happened, and looking at how things played out, it is apparent the people pleasing, the need to make others happy, has played a large role in my life. I see the remnants of this behaviour, learned at a young age, still playing out in my life today.
It has done us no good to set standards we could not reach. On many occasions, we adopted goals that couldn't be reached from the beginning. We allowed our identities to become tied in with pleasing people. If we suffered rejection, we collapsed into a quivering heap. Each time we wrapped ourselves up in a package for someone to pass judgment on, we set ourselves up for failure.
We know we are not God. We must realize no other human being is God, either. We can't ask any person to judge us. We can't judge anyone else. Early on in my journey, I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to a power greater than me, and this was a pure leap of faith. I must remember on a daily basis that pleasing my Higher Power is what it’s all about; not pleasing other people.
I can't build my life and recovery on always trying to please others. My road to success is pleasing my Higher Power.
Tags: Life Restoration Coach Addictions Recovery Results Help
Intimacy- Not What I Thought It Was.
Intimacy with another is a necessary risk if we're to know love. This means loving enough to let someone in on our most hidden parts, daring to share the awful truths about ourselves. When we hold a dreaded memory within, or fail to disclose our darkest secret, we're haunted by the fear that another's love is both conditional and long gone if the truth about us is revealed.
Though seldom remembered, one of the greatest tributes we can give one another is full expression of who we were, who we are, and who we hope to become. During any single moment, we are a composite of feelings, memories, and projections. Our reality is many faceted, and being intimate requires that we enrich each other's lives with the full expression of ourselves.
Being real is courageous; it takes a decision and practice, and it is demanded if we're to know love.
Tags: Liferestoration Coach Addiction Recovery Spiritual Awakening Transgo
Procrastination- Summer is Over Hard to believe, what we consider summer is over. School is back in, traffic is back to insane, and they days are definitely getting shorter. Seeing September 2 pop up in my calendar is shocking. There are so many things I had said to myself I would do over the summer, and of course, a lot of them didn’t get done. I believe the word is procrastination, in deadly sin terms-sloth. My new venture has been going well with the clients I am working with, but I must admit that I have not got the business in house I should have due to my own sloth. I had a pre-conceived idea as to the type of client I would be working with, but it would appear that my Higher Power has other ideas. While I thought the majority of my practice would be focused on people dealing with addictions or people affected by addiction, I have picked up business from people facing motivational and other life challenges. Some with addictions, yes, but not that many. Who knows what the future will bring? I was sure most of my coaching would be face to face, and by the nature of that, confined to people within a “drive” distance. Turns out, even with clients who live locally, my work is done over the phone, including Skype. My clients are in part locally, but also include people in Europe and the US. I sometimes wonder if I’m afraid to succeed, and therefore procrastinate to cover this fear. Why haven’t I done a brochure; why does my web site remain static; why haven’t I utilized the thousands of connections I’ve worked hard to build up on Linkedin? I know if you ask for help, many are willing to give, yet I am reluctant to ask for help. Is this false pride getting in the way? The results my clients are getting, coupled with the real satisfaction I get from working with clients, confirm that my purpose is in line with original plans, yet I procrastinate. I’m doing no one any favors, particularly myself! There is a lot going on in life outside of work issues, and through the changes brought about through my life journey, I’m handling things pretty well. Life is far from perfect, but I am generally upbeat and positive. This is a positive validation of change. So here we sit, summer over, the road ahead clear. It’s now up to me to push the peanut ahead!! I’m grateful for all the great people and good things that have happened recently, now into action- with your help!
Tags: Life Restoration Coach Addiction Recovery
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