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THE POWER OF ACCEPTANCE As each new year begins, I love to go through and meditate on the 12 steps. As I constantly tell others, while the 12 steps in the familiar format people look at today come from AA, there is no better model for any human being to follow for good mental hygiene. Want a better life tomorrow than you have today, start a journey using the 12 steps as your map! My mentor Dr. Randin Brons just published the following thoughts in his Idea Engineer, and lo and behold they go right to the first step’s theme. ACCEPTANCE. He wrote: The power of acceptance "It is permissible to take life's blessings with both hands provided thou dost know thyself prepared in the opposite event to take them just as gladly. This applies to food and friends and kindred, to anything God gives and takes away... As long as God is satisfied do thou rest content. If he is pleased to want something else of thee, still rest content." -- Meister Eckhart
Our life begins to change in magical ways when we open to the experience of life AS IT IS. With acceptance, we stop fighting what is happening. And this creates space, an opening for new relationships to unfold.
Explore unconditionally saying yes to the facts of life. Accept your past and where you are now. Unconditional acceptance is unconditional love and this is healing.
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater." -- Nicholas Evans Any journey forward begins with what Dr. Brons refers to as unconditional acceptance. Is there something not right in your life? Something you know you must change? Something that is causing negatives in your life? Is that small quiet voice deep inside constantly niggling at you? Accept what the problem really is and own it. Then get ready to make the journey of positive change, the co-creative journey of life transformation and life recovery. You’re worth it! (khbray@hopeserenity.ca; www.hopeserenity.ca).
Tags: Master Certified Coachaffordable Addiction Help
2011-POSITIVE CHANGES? May you LIVE all the days of your life-Johnathan Swift Another new year. Another year entered into with the best of intentions. Ever look back and really measure the changes you planned to make in 2010 and where you sit today? For most, their resolutions are but a fading dream about 2 weeks into a new year. My grandmother drilled it into my head- the road to h*ll? is paved with good intentions. Fact is, if you don’t take massive action, you will likely not make changes in you life, particularly major lifestyle changes. Another fact, few can make changes without help, and the better the help the more likelihood that success will be achieved. I quit making new years resolutions years ago. Seldom did I do the things I resolved to do even though my intentions were there! So what is it you plan to change in 2011? Are you looking to tackle the year with a more positive, upbeat outlook? Is there a habit, addiction or behaviour you intend to modify dramatically? Is there a dream you’ve harboured for a long time that you intend to make a reality? Unless you are prepared to take massive action and get the help you need and deserve, nothing in 2011 will change dramatically from 2010. For me, 1995 was a year during which I made huge positive changes. I gave up a depilating addiction, shook frequent depression, rebuilt the most important relationship in my life, had a spiritual awakening and began to enjoy each day as it came along. Major change brought about by taking massive action and getting the right help for me; people who were experts at success! How is your head entering into this new year? What changes do you want to make? Have you got the life you want? You do have choices. I’ve been through it and procrastinated for many years. I lost more than I wanted to lose, but lost what I had to lose for me to take action. While I was fearful of radical change because I didn’t know what I would find, I am eternally grateful that I harnessed the courage within to do what had to be finally done. I coach people to success for a living. That being said, my passion is to see others succeed. Over the next couple of weeks I would like to be a part of helping others to find the key to actually taking action to make positive changes in 2011. While I am always looking for the “right” clients, as a service, I love to chat with others to try and help them find the courage to take the path THEY need, and there are many options available. If I can be of help in getting YOU to realize your dreams for 2011, please feel free- and it is free- to contact me through khbray@hopeserenity.ca or through www.hopeserenity.ca. I’m here to serve. As a start point to hitting you resolutions for 2011, why not share them here along with the action you are planning to take and what date you will do this by? Let’s make 2011 a year where you find serenity in your own skin and a you that YOU love! Let’s not enter 2012 saying I should of or I wish I had of!!!!
Tags: New Yearnew Life
Between The Ears “Life is a game played on a 5 inch course, the distance between your ears” As well move into a new year, the above statement is worth remembering, only because it is true. It is adapted from a quote Bobby Jones made about golf. I am often struck by the similarities between golf and life, and how many lessons learned through gold apply to life today. So what is 2011 going to be for you? To do the same thing repeatedly expecting a different outcome is, to me, the best simple definition I know for insanity. So if you think yourself sane, and are not completely happy with your self and/or outcomes in 2010, what are you going to change, and even deeper, how are you going to make change happen? As always, just based on your own good intentions? Look at where you’re at and remember the old adage, “the road to h*ll? is paved with good intentions”. Time you made a big change in the real play area, the space between your ears. Maybe you can connect that space to the space deep inside you, the space generally ignored; the niggling voice inside; that says change is needed. Want to get into the game of life and love playing it? Get some help. Set some goals that you really want. Find someone to hear you and act as a sounding board. Make a measurable plan. Be held accountable and be pushed. Take action and make it happen. Get that critical 5 inches turned around. There are many reasons that individuals may want to change and many things that may impact, amongst them addictions or escape through behaviours. The results are the same including depression, lonliness, not feeling that you fit, discomfort in your own skin, never enough, relationships that are crumbling, under achieving from a financial perspective. For most, the reason is the same. A bad personal 5 inch space and not being connected to the real you. There are many solutions available and coaching is but one. If you can relate to this article and want to improve your life by dealing with the five inch space, then accept that you have issues and take massive action. Whether it be coaching, a self-help group or a psychiatrist or a combination, is you can relate, please take action. In the game of life as with the game of golf, your outcome is a direct result of what happens in that 5 inch course. (Keith, www.hopeserenity.ca)
Tags: Substance Abuseaffordable Rehab
SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS! It is that time of the year again, and I can honestly say that with the journey I’ve been on, I now really enjoy the day. The days of depression and let down are gone. To all, I hope you have found or will find joy in the season. I would like to thank all of you who visit our web site or read our musings on other sites. I am glad that frequently we do receive comments from people who have been able to relate and have got a benefit. To those who take the time to comment (positive or negative) an even bigger thanks. Feedback allows us to improve our service and approach to helping. To those clients I have had the privilege of coaching this year, thank you for helping me grow and learn! You make my life far fuller! We will be closed in the office for family celebrations from December 25 through the 28th, but will be checking email and our phones. We are here to offer support. As one who well remembers, this can be a very tough time of the year. I remember depression over the season, the let down after Christmas day, the financial pressure, one year I felt desperately alone, the disappointment that I hadn’t bought the right thing and my gift to others wasn’t perfect and even many years, a sense of loneliness even though I had been around family and others. The holiday season wasn’t fun even though I put on a Santa hat, smiled and tried to have all believe I was the picture of Christmas fun. There are those who understandably will be very down due to the loss of a loved one or a relationship over the past year. Remember and go through the process, it will get better. Today, because of the journey of co-creative life recovery I have chosen, I love the season. I enjoy my family and others; just being present with them is enough. I am able today to receive both positive feelings and gifts in the spirit they are intended (want some ugly ties?). There is a “spirit” I have over the season and a new found child like aura; one I hope brings joy to those around me. I truly understand and accept that I can’t please all of the people all of the time and that’s OK. It is not my job to judge or make everyone happy. It is my job to be happy inside. I love the ability to just “be”. We will be sharing our Christmas with a number of people who have no particular place to go. To us as a family, it is something life recovery and change has brought about and is a part of Christmas day we all enjoy. We do have a lot of fun! While I am not a religious person, there is a very definite part of the holidays that helps to make that fire inside of me glow a little brighter. Whether we are in good times or bad, my attitude of gratitude resonates within me at a higher than normal level. I look around over Christmas and realize what I have to be grateful for and can even appreciate what’s behind the ugly ties! Sure life is not perfect, but there is always something to be grateful and thankful for. I appreciate what I do have. For those that have a tough time over the holidays, my heart goes out to you. I do remember when. I also remember that I had choices, and for whatever reasons, I chose a new path and got the help I needed to set some goals, make a plan, then take the action I had to take to move forward. I refer to it as “co-creative” because while I did the work, I had the help of skilled and caring people and a higher power I found along the way to get me to where I am today. So this is Christmas, love it or not. If you’re feeling down and discontent inside over this period, I’m always available to talk. I can share with you how I turned a corner and this is a “gift” freely offered. I know; there is hope for all. For me, success was “coached” by a variety of sources, I did not move forward on my own! There is hope, may you find it now! (From Keith Bray, www.hopeserenity.ca) Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold,
everything is softer and more beautiful.
~Norman Vincent Peale~
Tags: DepressionChristmas
AT THE END OF YOUR ARM The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm. --Swedish proverb Every now and again a quote comes to you that is just so obvious but true! There are so many looking for help, looking to others to “fix” them and take responsibility for them Getting help does start at the end of your arm; it sure did for me. We are entering into a period of time which for many of us is supposed to be “Joyous” and fun no matter what your religion. For many this time of the year has a strong religious component. For far too many, this is a very tough time of the year. It is depressing, particularly when you feel you are not a part of what’s going on, you have a black cloud over your head, or you are not materially in a good place. Like many others, I believe that we have lost what is really important;” the spirit” of the season. I marvel each year at this time as people come forward and give to others. Whether it is toys, money, food, clothing or more, many do what they can to insure others can materially enjoy the basics of the season. What troubles me is that there are far too many that take all they can from the helping hand, and do not look at the end of their own arm. Nothing changes unless something changes and in my case, that something had to be me. Courage is needed to break the negative cycle some get caught up in. To get help, your arm must reach out. This is a season that is truly spiritual, and in reaching out you may be directed to something inside of you; at your very centre. I am a long time recovering addict and I do believe in holistic life recovery with a spiritual component (not necessarily religious). I read “recovery” literature and often quote from it. From the book “Keep It Simple”, a Hazelden publication, the following hit home today: “We do this by finding our spiritual center. This is the place inside of us where our Higher Power lives. We turn our will and our lives over to this spiritual center. We do as our spiritual center tells us. And from our spiritual center, we'll find our values. We'll live better lives. We'll come to trust ourselves again.” While the “this” talked about refers to self-trust, if you reach out and look, you will find that this “spiritual centre” is the fulcrum for a mentally healthy balanced life. To my Christian friends may you fully embrace the spiritual base of this holiday, to all others, may the “spirit of the season” touch you as you have some time to relax. If you’re looking for a hand, start at the end of your own arm. You will never know where it leads until you try. (www.hopeserenity.ca)
Tags: Christmasself-esteem
PEOPLE PLEASIN’ TIME OF THE YEAR I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.--Bill Cosby I am so blessed to have the space I do to work in. Today my view through my windows is of crisp white snow and snow clinging to mature cedars at the back of our property. The view reflects the positive state I’m in a majority of the time, and I am eternally grateful for the changes in my life that allow me to see the beauty all around me. Years ago, my favourite lady, my Aunt Ruth, used to take me to see Bill Cosby. This was well before he was a sitcom guy. I love both his comedy and wisdom. The quote above, which came as a part of a reading, was a good reminder for me today. I, for one, spent many a year trying to please others. Pleasing others for a myriad of reasons was very important to me. I wanted love and wanted affirmation from others that I was OK. If you can relate to this then please read on. As Cosby states, trying to please everybody was a key to failure in many parts of my life. I had lost something critical to success; ME. I may have come across as self-centred and at times “insecure and needy”. Frequently I tried to I cover this by acting arrogant or superior. I know today that my actions were a cry out for security and that stemmed from a lack of self-esteem. As I got older, things got worse. I became whatever person I thought would make others happy, and I sought affirmation of myself in all the wrong places and ways. I looked for all types of ways to fill the hole inside yet things got progressively worse, not better. Christmas and the holiday time were the worst time of the year for my people pleasing. Look at the opportunities that come about, particularly with the ability to give the biggest and best present, to be flowery in cards I wrote and to be the best Christmas guy around. When the smoke cleared after the celebrations, that hole was still there. Through some tough lessons and sinking (in my own mind) to levels I did not want to be at, I was taught a great lesson by a “help giving professional” I had sought ought. In my own way, I had been running my tail off to please others. I had not learned why I had that hole in me and what I truly had to do to fill it. The learning started a journey for me, a journey I continue on to this day. Healing was a process of life transformation and recovery. I go through a brief exercise with most of my clients. It shows that you can’t give away what you haven’t got. How do you please (or even love) others wholly if you can’t do it for yourself. In some ways the life I had led would seem selfish, and it was. People pleasing was part of the manifestation of this. A paradox became real. I had to get truly selfish to become unselfish. I had to take the time, and get the help to work on me; and it has paid huge dividends, dividends that can’t be measured in dollars and cents. The scene before me is a reminder that Christmas is coming. Because of the road I’ve travelled, Christmas is now totally different. Sure we give and receive gifts. Both in my personal life and family life I love to give. There is now a huge difference. Today the priority is not to please you (although it’s lovely to see joy in others). I can do things that please me and the power that guides my life and in doing this, it seems to bring joy to many of those in my life. The hole inside is very small. I cannot please all of the people all of the time and I long ago quit trying. Without that hole inside of me, I can do what I believe is right without the motive of trying to simply please others and this does give me personal serenity, pleasure and gratitude. Mr. Cosby you are so right, trying to please everybody is a key to failure. Share your thoughts here or at www.hopeserenity.ca. I look forward to reading them!
Tags: Substance Abuseaffordable Rehab
Selfishness Every now and again I reflect back on my life to a time before I started what I know call a “co-creative process of life recovery”. There were many negative qualities that were at work most of the time. One that I really regret is selfishness. I wanted the world to see me as a caring unselfish person. Many of my actions were just that-they looked caring and unselfish. The truth was, all too often, I did things with a motive-what was in it for me? I know this in retrospect. I certainly spent years in the grasp of substance abuse and mood altering behaviours. As the quote below states, I got into a way of living that can aptly be described as self-will run riot. Those closest to me suffered, although it was not what I intended. When not comfortable in your own skin and finding ways to escape (totally selfish), the impact on others become secondary. Take a look at your life? Is there truly an element of selfishness at play? Do you use “substances or behaviours” to escape your real life? Do you want this to end? From experience, left untreated, it only gets worse, never better. I went through a “holistic” process to regain my life. A part of this was attending and practicing 12 step meetings and the principles of the 12 steps. These principles, as a noted Forensic Psychologist and role model once stated to me, “form as good a platform for good mental hygiene as can be found”. The best book ever written for 12 step principles is the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” written in the late 30’s. AA was the first of the over 100 12 step groups now in existence and provided the principles followed by all. I read and quote this text often as a part of what I work on others with. If you haven’t read it, it is worth it to all. “Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. . . So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! ”
- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62 Wanting to be less selfish is a noble goal. Achieving that goal takes work, courage and mentoring. As we approach the holiday season, do you want to give it a try? I can tell you, I am thrilled I am on the journey and appreciate the progress made. (www.hopeserenity.ca)
Tags: Addiction Help Certified Coachaddiction Services Private
SABOTAGING SELF? How are you sabotaging yourself? "If you play it safe in life you've decided that you don't want to grow any more." -- Shirley Hufstedler
How are you sabotaging you’re potential for change?
We unconsciously use defense mechanisms to shield us from situations we perceive to be scary or painful. A part of you may want to grow and change, but another part may be resisting because change always moves you into new territory in your thinking and emotions.
If you find you are getting anxious, fearful, angry, frustrated, dismissive or unmotivated, then defense mechanisms are at work. Watch for them and know them to be signs of fear that wants to hold you back. Then courageously move through them.
"I have never been contained except I made the prison." -- Mary Evans Once again, my mentor Dr. Randin Brons shares a very thought provoking article in his weekly Idea Engineer. Please give the question some thought. In my daily work (and volunteer life) I come across so many people who self sabotage, and it is obvious that they are doing it. They identify a problem that is really negatively impacting their lives and state they would like to solve it and move forward. A path to achieving their goal is outlined and then the excuses for not taking action start. “I can’t afford it”, “I already know what the problem is”, “I haven’t got time”, “I can fix it myself”, “I have a friend that….” or even an honest “I’m afraid of what I might find”. You’re reading this article for a reason. Many of you have a good idea that you are sabotaging your own happiness and know you must make change. Why let fear- however it manifests itself- hold you back? While I do coach people to achieve the changes that want, I am also prepared, as a service, to spend time with people who just want to discuss life change, transformation and recovery. Where you go from that chat is up to you. Do you not deserve, as a priority, the life you are capable of living? Have courage! How are you sabotaging your life? (www.hopeserenity.ca or khbray@hopeserenity.ca)
Tags: Recovery Helpprivate Coaching
SITTING IN JUDGEMENT No judgment Everything in life holds both a blessing and a curse. We deny this when we label the events of our lives as either good or bad. The following old Zen story illustrates this lesson most effectively.
A farmer had a horse but one day, the horse ran away and so the farmer and his son had to plow their fields themselves. Their neighbors said, "Oh, what bad luck that your horse ran away!" But the farmer replied, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"
The next week, the horse returned to the farm, bringing a herd of wild horses with him. "What wonderful luck!" cried the neighbors, but the farmer responded, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
Then, the farmer's son was thrown as he tried to ride one of the wild horses, and he broke his leg. "Ah, such bad luck," sympathized the neighbors. Once again, the farmer responded, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"
A short time later, the ruler of the country recruited all young men to join his army for battle. The son, with his broken leg, was left at home. "What good luck that your son was not forced into battle!" celebrated the neighbors. And the farmer remarked, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
"Do not judge and you will never be mistaken." -- Jean Jacques Rousseau I am a man who judged very quickly over a large portion of my life. I have been coached to do otherwise. My mind has gone from much closed to mostly open; real progress! Being far less judgmental has also helped me in all my relationships and is critical as a life coach (www.hopeserenity.ca). I thank my mentor Dr. Randin Brons for this share in his Idea Engineer.
Tags: Addiction Help Certified Coachaddiction Services Private
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