I thought this was rather profound as it deals much with what we learn about ourselves and in recovery. It is rather long, but has much we can reflect on into the new year...
Enjoy!

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
    
Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
    
This is your awakening...
    
You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
    
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
    
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
    
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
    
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
    
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
    
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
    
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
    
You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
    
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
    
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
    
You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.
    
You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."
    
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
    
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
    
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.
    
You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.
    
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
    
You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
    
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.
    
You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
    
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
    
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

You can find more about the author here. 

Tags: Reflective

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The Christmas holiday is over for another year. Although it is funny when I let go of the capitalist hype, I am able to be more open to being thankful for the blessings that surrounds me.

This year, I stayed home. No tree. No decorations. No feasts.

It didn't matter much anyway, as half the family are out of state and the other half are having severe relationship problems. All I did was write...

Treating an over-commercialized holiday as if it was just another ordinary day was refreshing. - Although I did go out to watch the new AvP-R with my ex's youngest brother laster night. We loved it, but hoped there would've been more carnage. Ah well.

I've been reflecting alot lately on this past year, and while there wasn't a whole lot of major accomplishments to the resolutions I made, I did do one thing I set out to do... Examine my character "defects" by getting honest with myself. Of course I have alot more work to do in this area, but one thing did happen that I wasn't expecting: facing my fears.

So much of these defects, as I have been discovering by working on step 4, has been primarily fear-based. I have acted and reacted in unhealthy ways out of fear. Needless to say, I was amazed at the bulk of my problems has been due to my own irrational behavior.

As far as the major accomplishments go, I have been making more of an effort to:

• communicate
• ask for help
• stand up for myself & creating boundaries
• learning to say 'no'
• opening myself more to my Higher Power

Inso doing, I have been finding more of a willingness to do things I've wanted to do, but set myself back by making endless excuses to take action...

For years, I've avoided getting my GED and getting a higher education because I was afraid I couldn't get past the math, and that I was intimidated by my underdeveloped social interaction. Suddenly it occurred to me, "Hey, wait a minute! I'm not st00pid... I love to learn!"

It took me having to realize that by 'letting go and letting God' doesn't mean I get to sit on my ass until the crisis passes, as I've done with my unresolved grief. It means I have to do something too... Especially if I ever want to find a life with purpose and meaning - without my kids.

2007 has been an amazing year ... full of the usual trials and tribulations, and setbacks. But I'm learning.

     Learning to face my fears (which much of it has been more like the 'monster in the closet').
     Learning how to tackle things one step at a time instead of all at once. 
     Learning to rely on my Higher Power, now that I've come to believe.
     Learning that some of my defects are actually virtues gone haywire.
     Learning to accept myself, be myself, and accept my limitations. 

And most of all, learning that the cliché "treat others the way you want to be treated" goes two ways... It means treating yourself the way you want to be treated.

The cool thing about being a codependent in recovery is that I no longer have to concern myself with the expectation of someone else making me happy or meeting my needs (especially if I can't communicate what they are). People are fallible just as I am, and I must learn to value myself as well.

Funny how it took years of being stuck in a personal hell after having lost everything I cared about... And all it took was getting honest with myself to get the ball rolling. 

Even though I haven't heard that 'POP!' yet, there is so much I want to accomplish in 2008. I am psyched to get going and create a new me.

May this coming new year be rewarding and full of endless blessings for you all!

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Biscuitous' newest blog entry was beautiful, sad and very touching - which prompts me to give it another attempt to compose something along similar lines a couple nights ago, but ended up deleting it altogether.

The subject of loss is a rather sensitive issue for me as I still haven't allowed myself to grieve the way I should over the 'living death' of my kids. It's a subject I find myself continuing to avoid.

When I initially started composing said blog the other night, I was in an emotionally raw place... I saw an autistic boy on television that made me think of both of my sons, particularly my youngest.

Yes, both of my boys were repeatedly diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder during the time where said rates of diagnoses were growing geometrically in the state of California, but there was next to nothing in the state of which I live. Especially in the way of parental services and education.

It makes me sick to my stomach to see everything that is available... now.

I'm not going to bother with explanations of what they were like or the sheer hell I went through, except to say I imagine that is perhaps the reason my ex really didn't seem to care they were gone, as he never regarded them anyway.

He would say horrible things to me about them. Saying things like they're "just not on my wavelength" and refer to them as "its". He even accused the boys of not being his, because they weren't as 'intelligent' as he is.

Eventually the kids' advocates started to see his true colors and encouraged me to get away from the environment I was stuck in, as a stipulation of being able to get them back.

Nothing had panned out the way I had hoped before the court's year-end deadline. Even with their personal help. It just kept blowing up in my face over and over again.

I felt defeated, especially when I watched my ex sign the papers without any resistance. To me, he seemed eager to get it over with. I tried to muster up the courage; only my lawyer just sat there...going so far to say it didn't matter to him what I did, as he gets paid no matter what. As he said that, I couldn't help but look at the framed photograph of his family sitting on his desk and wondered if he treated their feelings with the same callous apathy he gave me.

After more than two hours of bullying and intimidating me into signing the papers to terminate my rights, I reluctantly gave in to the relentless pressure. At that point, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually broken.

To be honest, I had no idea I could've filed a complaint until more than a year after the fact.

Not more than six months later, I guess my mother got tired of my whining about missing the kids, as she told me to "get over it". My ex's mother would simply glare at me in contempt just for mentioning I missed them (during a holiday). If looks could kill... *sigh*

In the meantime, I felt very much alone.

I pushed away my ex completely and utterly. We never talked about the kids, and he never seemed to have any regret or remorse. Just asinine complaints of how his brother wasn't around to support him.

The first quarter of next year will be six years... For the first two, I was bitter, angry and wanted the whole fooking world to just die. So much so that it got to the point where I couldn't function, and one night I decided to pray to God. -- I think that was the first time He ever heard me, as a good 80% of those emotions had been lifted... I haven't prayed, and still haven't, to help me face the loss.

I was extremely lost and depressed also, just looking for any reason at all that would keep me here. And indeed there was... Although my daughter was also part of the paperwork package (in and out of different foster homes, running away and causing all kinds of problems), she still needed me. I don't even have the slightest idea as to how I could possibly make amends, even though she is now proud of me for finally doing something.

Only now have I slowly come to find the willingness and accept I have to live my life somehow without the presence of my special boys. Except I still haven't been able to bring myself to cope with the loss.

I have developed such a paralyzing fear whenever I anticipate loss (as I did when my mother had a mild heart attack 3-4 months ago), that I'm unsure how to deal with it. Nor have I forgiven myself for failing my children by having stayed in an unhealthy situation that, not only cost me my kids, but literally my sanity.

Holidays makes it ever more depressing because of things I used to share with them and can't now...

I apologize if it appears as if I make the ex out to be solely responsible, as I am no angel either. I just sometimes wonder why some parents reject their children.

One day, I hope, I can finally heal from these bitter wounds that only bleed more when I let myself think of them. It may sound cruel, but sometimes I'd like for them to be dead so I can truly grieve...

I pray, that wherever they are, they are safe, loved, and their needs are taken care of when I wasn't able to.

Tags: Sad

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It is believed that when a soul mate enters our lives, it is because they have something to teach. More often than not, these encounters are generally brief.

In my last entry, I had mentioned one of mine...

He has been on my mind alot. Expecially lately.

Not a day goes by where I am not thankful to him and to God for sending him when I needed it, for with him he brought the tools that would undoubtedly change my life - the 12 Steps. He also told me I needed to forgive myself.

Since I lost my kids back in the first quarter of 2002, I pretty much gave up. On myself and everything I believed in. Including God.

Denial, of course, didn't help.

My toxic behavior eventually cost me the friendship with my soul mate.

Funny thing is I have no regrets that he left; except I am still deeply remorseful for having hurt him.

At the time he somehow touched a spark of life that I thought was long gone. He gave me the tools to help myself, and I did nothing... I couldn't admit to myself that I lacked the willingness to get off pity pot. In some morbid way, I rather liked the emotional abyss that I had clung to.

The reality was was that I needed to face another shock of a deep loss to finally motivate me.

For months, I was bitter. Inside, I blamed him for not giving me a chance to explain; when in reality, after I started getting honest with myself, I would have used that as just another opportunity to continue what I was doing. It wasn't fair to put his self worth and years of recovery at risk because I was behaving like a needy, manipulative, wounded child.

While that was that was more than 20 months ago, I am just now starting to comprehend on a deeper level, over than just mere intellectual understanding of words, of everything he was trying to teach me.

The longest part for me was Step 2... I lost more than just my faith. I didn't know what to believe in. And I certainly had lost my understanding of a Higher Power. I had so much shame and self loathing, it was easier to turn my back on God rather than to face God and say I needed Him.

I had to realize that in my own understanding - God is Love, and if that were true, how can I love God if I have no love for myself? After all, I can't give what I don't have...

After having "come to believe" from that epiphany, I felt I was able to move on to Step 3, rather than rushing through Step 2 by using a substitute because I had that agnostic confusion, anger, and faithless mindset.

While I still have yet to open my heart and my trust to God completely, as I constantly wrestle with my own ego's desire to take my life into my own hands (and we all know how successful that's been, otherwise I wouldn't even be here now), I am learning not to rely so much on my flawed secular perspective of intelligence.

Step 4 has so far been a rather enlightening experience and discovered much about myself, and my habitual behaviors and the common patterns that has reared it's ugly head throughout my life.

As long as I stay out of my head, which happens easily when I'm isolated and spend too much time journaling, I find that my day goes better. And my attitude towards everything in general is better.

I've been thinking quite a bit over the coming new year, just as I did last year. Last year I wanted a change - by working on alot of issues that I have. Issues that I am going to be working on for quite some time apparently.

Next year, I want to have more of a change than I've had this year... I want to have time to study for and pass my GED. I want to get off my lazy, sasquatchian, fat ass and get into school on phlebotomy (or whatever I figure out what I want to do "when I grow up"). Sure, it doesn't seem very ambitious because it doesn't pay much, but I kinda like the idea of getting paid to stab people and siphon their bodily fluids...that could possibly save lives!

I also want to have the time to make it to meetings, which is something I've been wanting and needing to for awhile now - badly. But- everything happens for a reason, in their own time and in their own way.

As long as I can keep myself being God-reliant instead of self-reliant, and just go with the flow, I'll get to where I want and need to go eventually.

It didn't take a day, a month, or even a year for me to get sick with the dis-ease of insanity (addiction), and it certainly isn't going to take a short time to become the person I was meant to be... Just as the blessings of recovery isn't going to be divinely handed to me on a silver platter.

I am a decent person. I am caring. I am empathetic. I am loving. I am giving. I am honest. I am deep. I am considerate. I am compassionate... I deserve to love, and be loved in return. I deserve to have all the kindness I give, given back to me in return. Only for right now, I have to learn to let go of the things that keep me from being happy.

Thank you Gary. For everything.

Tags: Serene

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I couldn't help but think of just what it had to take for me to get my head out of my ass and start making some choices for me to change my life. Talk about being a glutton for punishment, lemme tell ya...

For 12 years I had been stuck in a sick and extremely unhealthy relationship involving mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse - on both sides. Believe me, I am no angel either.

While it would be easy to sit here and place all the blame on him, it wouldn't be truthful or realistic, and it certainly would not help me grow from an emotional/codependent/love addict to an emotionally and spiritually happy person.

I had expected (first mistake) to have a normal relationship and family, just like "everybody else". At least that is how I envisioned life should be.

We were also computer addicts (second mistake), who were rather avoidant and irresponsible in just about everything. Neglecting each other's needs as well as the kids', and as time went on, tensions sky rocketed. Not to mention all the chaos and stress just about personally did me in.

Just a little side note... Since this journey of recovery is all about me, I'm not going to bother with the schematics of my ex's participation other than what both of us are guilty of.

He and I both had been victims of child abuse, and reflecting back, neither one of us had ever learned to develop any real healthy coping and communication skills.

Our relationship was rather volatile. On again, off again, on again, off again (rinse and repeat x2)... Each time we went back to each other, our unhealthy habits never changed. Instead it grew increasingly worse.

Blaming. Arguing. Avoiding. No matter how hard I tried to turn things around, it would eventually implode because all we did was work against each other instead of with each other.

In the first quarter of 2002, the courts decided to terminate our rights to our kids.

This is something I don't like thinking about considering how hard I worked to get out of the situation I was stuck in to try to get the kids back. Pretty darn sad when they agreed that I could get them back - if I left my ex before the last of our custody hearings was up... *sigh*

Needless to say, as a mother to every other mother out there who is stuck in a codependent and abusive relationship, do whatever you can to get out! Especially if you have children who's needs have been left by the wayside.

After I lost the only things that kept me going, I was emotionally dead inside and, to put it bluntly, I lost my humanity... I had no reason to care anymore.

Although my ex and I had stayed together platonically for the next 3 years, with empty promises that things would change, he ended up suckering a new sugar momma he found off the internet into a relationship out of the blue.

It was the best thing he ever did for me.

Shortly after his unexpected departure, I ran into someone who, oddly enough, turned out to be a soul mate. With him, he brought the tools that would change my life... I had never even heard of the 12 steps, until he entered my life.

Unfortunately, I (deservedly) lost him, his wisdom, support and friendship - because instead of finding the willingness to start making some changes for me, I was still living in denial.

My own toxic behavior cost me what could've been the greatest and healthiest friendship I ever had.

That was nearly two years ago.

It took literally months to get out of my denial and get honest with myself. I mean really honest with myself.

If, at times, I seem like I'm being harsh or overly critical of myself, I might be in some ways. However, I cannot afford to pop a pacifier in my ego's mouth and cause myself to believe soothing thoughts without facing the reality of my behavior.

I did mention that I was a mental sadomasochist after all didn't I?

As difficult as it can be to face the truth sometimes, brutal honesty is the best way for me to step back and find value in criticism that I'll actually pay attention to. And it's made me come to see why I've lost friendships I've valued, and my own children...and why people have coldly called me a "martyr and victim", and that I "like being used and abused".

Actually, it was the brother of my ex, whom I tried to have an actual friendship with recently, initially say that.

Well no more!!

Because now I realize I don't deserve to be...

I know that one day I'll have to make an amends to my ex - as well as to my soul mate... One day, I pray, I will be worthy enough to see my boys again and do the same.

Tags: Reflective

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As much as I'm all for brutal honesty laced with sardonic humor (yes, I'm one of those mental sadomasochists) who delights in defeating the purpose when it comes to changing the things I can change.

Case in point, my isolation.

I know I'm not the most social person in the world and I don't often think about this sad fact when interacting with others. More often than not, I'll do or say something that can make any neurotic genius, like Einstein, scratch their head.

While doing more work for Step 4 earlier today, I was trying to recollect just how many different schools I've been put in and pulled out of in just my elementary years alone... Not including the number of times I went to the same school again (and again) at some point later on. 

I stopped counting at 17.

In jr. high, I had gone to 3 more schools and had 4 different tutors appointed to me by the school district, before having gotten pregnant and dropped out before I was of legal age. This does not include having been extremely sheltered and months of absenteeism during those years, among some other things I am hesitant to address publicly.

Even though I love learning, I am academically handi-crapped. Studying for my GED, which I've done extremely little of, is going to prove to be a challenge in and of itself.

Since I haven't sat behind a desk in an educational environment in nearly 22 years, surprisingly isn't what intimidates me. It's math in particular.

Every time I look at a math problem, my eyes become unfocused and wonder what the hell do I need to know this stuff for? It's not like I'm going to become a rocket scientist in a literal sense... And when I start to think about having to learn the complexity of numbers (since there is literally no end to it), I feel like I'm having to learn a dead language from scratch.

Hey... They didn't have much luck deciphering Egyptian until they discovered the Rosetta stone. 

Other than the academic issue that I am getting my panties in a bunch, the other part is the social issue.

The other night, and for no particular reason whatsoever, I decided to do a little web surfing. Specifically I was looking for any success stories on solitary recovery.

I wondered, "Is it really possible to do this on my own?"

As irony would have it, I did find a story initially in A.A.'s early publishing about an alcoholic living in the west during Alcoholics Anonymous' infancy.

I thought, WOW! ...Until I got to the end when they had sent the westerner a bus ticket to personally listen to his success story.

It was a blow to my over-inflated ego to know the man had relapsed during his trip to New York. 

After reading that, I've done alot of pondering. Or, perhaps, biased reasoning...

Yes- having the support of others, and even a sponsor, would be much to my benefit. That part I do acknowledge and am willing to do. 

With the holidays and the weather, the usual stuff I do that keeps me busy has slowed down considerably. In a way it's a good thing as it finally gives me more time to do what I've been needing to do, which is focus on the steps more. However, since I don't drive and I'm literally broke as a joke, I'm still unable to make it to 4 whopping CoDA meetings they have a week here.  

Since everyone I know is busy with their own lives to bum a ride at least once or twice, until I get to meet and know people (and yes, I've pestered them about it), I'm kinda s.o.l. ...at least for the time being. 

BTW- it's rather daunting, considering all the work I've done already, to be told, "Why do you wanna change yourself for?" 

Anyhoo... I may not have wheels, which is probably better because I couldn't afford it anyway, I do have one thing that poor dude living in the west during the early days of A.A. didn't - the internet!

Of course I can't exactly learn how to be social until I start interacting in all aspects, especially aspects I hate... Namely crowds. I have to learn (all over again apparently) how to communicate, but with honesty, instead of putting my feelings on the back burner all the friggin time.

Man, it sucks being a people pleaser only to end up being a doormat.

Perhaps the best Christmas gift I can give to myself -- and the best amends I can make to myself, as well as those I can't make direct amends to...is change the things I can, and do it one step at a time... 

Happy Holidays !!

Tags: Comfortable

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You guys have been so wonderful and supportive to me, despite that I have become such an introverted slacker...mostly out of shame from my relapse...that I've found it difficult to offer much support during the trials and tribulations in your own recovery. Hence why I've found myself backing off from just about everything in order to regroup.

However, I did find the answer I was so desperately looking for. If you read my last blog entry, then you are already aware of the problem that I was struggling with.

Judging myself.

Late last night, after I posted that particular blog entry, I was reading over a (real life) friend's philosophical musings. He was basically wanting to know 'why we ask why we're asking why we're here' in short.

Even though I feel embarrassed for offering my personal revelation, after having had emailed my take on it, I was glad I did. For it reminded me of something I had lost when I had regressed on the progress I had been making when I relapsed over my fear of losing my mom.

I was so disappointed in myself for backsliding that it never occurred to me... That in judging myself, I was not being loving of myself. For if I cannot give what I don't have, how can I love God?

I must learn how to treat and accept myself lovingly. Only then will I be able to understand more of God, His Loving nature, and His Will for me.

I can kick myself for my shortsightedness, or I can accept that loving myself is key -- key to loving and accepting others; key to opening my heart to trust and love God...and to surrender my will and my life to Him!

This was the answer I needed and to accept so I can move onto Step 3, finally.

Since I've been pretty much working solitary on this spiritual journey of 'working' the steps, and despite my slow progress, I realize now that I have had to learn... Come to accept, in my own way and in my own time that works, for me.

Hence "coming to believe" (Step 2).

Now I know what that 'voice' in my head was meaning. "Quit judging me." ... Being overly critical and judgmental to myself isn't being loving. Just as it isn't being loving when I'm being judgmental and critical of others.

Sure, there are two cliches that we so often hear, which is perhaps the most profound truths... "Love yourself" and "God is Love". However, they are only enlightened words that we so often intellectualize within the mind. Only it makes the difference when the heart listens to these noble truths and becomes accepting.

Accepting and deserving of itself, which has hated itself for so long...

In closing, I'd like to share an epiphany I had this morning:

"I can intellectualize and reason my way out of a box.
But I must first accept that I am in it." -me

Tags: Wonderful

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It's been nearly a month, before everything started going to hell. Going to hell in my mind anyway...

During that month, I've managed to isolate my friends (mainly you guys) because I was too busy beating myself up for my relapse.

So now it's time to pick myself by the proverbial balls (that would seem painful if I actually had some), get back in the saddle and not give up!!

The other night I was going over how badly I regressed from any of the progress I had made, asking myself what it is that I'm wanting and needing to do for myself.

That's when I heard a voice inside my mind say, "Quit judging me."

At that moment, I was hit with the realization just how much of a judgmental person I truely am. Not just in judging others, but I'm exceptionally worse in judging myself.

And that is what I've been doing to myself for backsliding.

Only problem is I seem to be unable to stop banging the gavel at myself, which has me at a loss...

Does anyone have/have had the same issue and can offer some sage advice and experiences in dealing with this issue? I would appreciate any suggestions!

Tags: Frustrated

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Tags: Reflective

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