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I'm in the process of raising my geek status to that of nerd... It has been an interesting, if not educational day, as I hadn't stepped into a school environment (for myself) in over 20 years. However, I did go talk to a couple of college educators today, just to see what my options are once I do get my GED. While I don't currently have it yet, as it's difficult for me to charge people to fix and tutor them on computers when they're financially having a hard time themselves, as well as babysitting nieces and grandkids for the same reason, bottom line is I need the money to meet my goals too... *sigh* Such is the life of a bleeding heart, even though my time is money. Supposedly. I don't mean it to sound like I'm complaining because I'm not. I actually enjoy helping people out if it's within my means, and at least my family 'repays' me in some way. Still... I've decided to get that GED in hand before I make any commitments. Until that happens, I'm going to take my time and 'shop' around - seeing what is available, finances, and class schedules that will fit into my chaotic night-owl, with the chronic insomnia, lifestyle. I want to be able to devote myself to a full time education.
At the moment, I've checked out a couple of schools...and be checking out a bunch more in the meantime. So whenever the classes for whatever course I do choose starts, I will have given myself ample time to work on getting through the classes I need to pass the GED. I.E. math...
The second college I went to, I was a bit uncomfortable with the enthusiasm that it almost felt like pressure. The admissions representative would have hauled me to the finances office before I knew what was going on, if she had her way. But I'm proud of myself... I listened, asked questions, was open and honest (can ya tell I've been working on my social skillz? :P), but remained assertive to what seemed like a sales pitch. If going to college is anything like buying a car, no wonder I don't drive... Oy!
Phlebotomy is something I've always wanted to do. Not simply because I like the idea of stabbing people and getting paid for it..:P But I rather like the diversity of the people I'll get a chance to meet. Another thing I'm considering is Medical Assistance... Something that is also diverse as far as what this field entails, but also allow me do something more specialized should I decide to go back to school later on. Or... Do one after the other and build up multiple certifications. Who knows. Cool thing about the medical field is I don't have to stick to one thing. Plus, with the way the economy is going, I'll always have a job - unless mankind becomes an extinct species. 
A friend of mine sent a trick question to me - one that I haven't heard in years, and thought I'd pass the fun on...
Three frogs are sitting on a log.
One of them decide to jump off.
How many frogs are on the log?
Feel free to give your answers and how you came to that conclusion. On Monday night/Tuesday morning, I'll post the answer I gave (as well as my friend's) as a comment to this blog.
My mind has been on overload these past few days in my attempts to process some of the things I've been reading as well as the deep thoughts behind them. To me, the concept is exciting, even exhilerating... Stuff that is difficult to put into words, yet it is so simple and hard to wrap my head around at the same time. And I am deeply humbled by God's knowledge and wisdom - in comparision to my arrogance of what I think I know...
For anyone who may have read my blog on Creation is Thought, then you'll get the gist of what I am attempting to convey here... However, I must warn you that the following is rather deep and if you don't like to think too much, you may end up giving yourself a headache.
"Your life is a mirror of the dominant thoughts you think." - The Secret There are some philosophical concepts I've found in the Law of Attraction to be true. My dominant thoughts are found within the patterns I have noticed in my relationships - the self-perceived (and limiting) beliefs of feeling worthless, unloved and an utter failure. Those beliefs also hold fear of rejection, abandonment, and moreover, the fear of being alone. Crap that goes back to my earliest memories that grew more intense and distorted as I got older. Whether conscious or unconscious, I've invested years of emotional engery into that negative and particularly self-damaging (as well as self-sabatoge), that I have created my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time it happens, I've grown more disillusioned and reinforcing those beliefs. Along the lines of, "it keeps happening, so it must be true". The Bible implies that there is no limit with faith. Jesus walked on water, turned water into wine, fed multitudes with a few loaves of bread and fish, healed the sick, raised the dead, and rose from the dead Himself ... and often bemoaned to His deciples, "have you no faith?" In the book, The Nature of Personal Reality by Jane Roberts, a channeled personality named Seth states, "Your beliefs form your reality, your body and its condition, your personal relationships, your environment, and en masse your civilization and world. "Your beliefs automatically attract the appropriate emotions. They reinforce themselves through imagination; ... Imagination and feeling follow your beliefs. It is not the other way around." It goes on to emphasise: "...as long as you hold onto that conscious belief you will experience it as reality." I bring these concepts up here because I have noticed that as my negative perceptions about myself have begun to change, so too has my perception of the world around me. "Although all men have a common destiny, each individual also has to work out his personal salvation for himself... We can help one another find the meaning of life... But in the last analysis, each is responsible for finding himself." - Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island
How many of us in recovery have looked deeply within ourselves and harbored some kind of negative idea or belief of who we 'thought' we are, and in our own way, have fought against the very thing we manifested in the first place? As a codependent, I can say that this has been a life issue for me and it makes much sense as to how I have made my life unmanagable by repeatedly resisting and trying to control what I didn't want, yet that is what I created in the first place... Life isn't without a sense of irony, is it? I'd like to share a few more sentances from Roberts' book to offer a better understanding: "Some of your beliefs originated in your childhood, but you are not at their mercy unless you believe that you are. Because your imagination follows your beliefs, you can find yourself within a vicious circle in which you consciously paint pictures in your mind that reinforce 'negative' aspects in your life. "The imaginative events generate appropriate emotions, which automatically bring about hormonal changes in your body or affect your behavior with others, or cause you to interpret events always in the light of your beliefs. And so daily experience will seem to justify what you believe more and more. "The only way out of it is to become aware of your beliefs, aware of your own conscious thought, and to change your beliefs so that you bring them more in line of with kind of reality you want to experience." It is fascinating to me that I have already been experiencing this without having realized it. And to me, it gives a new meaning to Let Go and Let God. During my recovery, I find things go more smoothly when I examine my feelings (emotions), fears (beliefs) and behaviors honestly. However, the moment I start to analyze another person's motives or become blaming of them, my day goes to hell. The Steps, Slogans, Promises and Traditions are a brilliantly inspired spiritual tool that aligns itself neatly with religion (Christianity in particular), philosophy, and has also bridged itself with quantum physics in recent decades. IMHO, psychology has yet to catch up to this remarkable phoenomenon when it stops ignoring a realm that science can't tangibly prove yet. "Free your mind." "Unlearn what you have learned." ... It's strange to be seeing such philosophical quotes to me now...even when I have heard such philosophies countless times before ('because they've always been there'... waiting for me to grasp it's potential). It's hard for me to wrap my head around like I said. Yet it is also me not letting go of limiting beliefs I've carried around - thinking I 'know' with my own self-perceptions. Perhaps the purpose is to teach me to have faith, beyond those preconceived ideas. Perhaps I'm becoming more open to it...because I'm 'coming to believe', only I'm still clinging to limited beliefs that keep me from letting go. Still... I am blown away by it all. God is truely awesome!
When I first started recovery, I remember feeling intimidated by it. I was concerned with what I had to lose because I've never truely been open or honest with others before. And certainly not myself. It was easier to come off as mysterious and enigmatic over all, however, to a select few, I've thrown out some pretty personal and painful moments. Only reflecting back on it, I was able to remain relatively detached.
Never did it occur to me that acknowledging my emotions was a factor. To do so means I would have to 'feel'... Whether it was a past memory or something I was contending with in the present.
I didn't want to give up the 'security blanket' of emotional avoidance and not having to 'deal' with anything. But you know what? I lost more by living behind the impenetratable brick wall I surrounded myself in...because people disappointed me.
It was all their fault because my happiness was their responsibility. It was all their fault because they were expected to read my mind to know what I was thinking, needing and feeling. Nevermind the fact that I participated in the misery too. Nevermind I acted in ways that is textbook codependent. I figured that if I cared more, loved more... If I burdened myself with another person's responsibility, and tried to fix what I thought was wrong with them... If I avoided conflict and said little as possible, yet tried in other ways to express my needs... That they would love me the way I wanted/expected to be and the life I envisioned in my mind, would be peachy keen. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I felt like such a doormat. The more I was disappointed, the harder I'd try. The harder I tried, the more despressed I became. The more depressed I became, the more I cut myself off emotionally from everyone. Especially from those who needed me the most - my kids. Why wasn't anything going my way??? It got so bad that I didn't trust anybody. I didn't even trust my own mind. In desperation, I got in touch with a councilor, who ended up putting me on various psychotropics. Only things got much worse. It seemed, to me, the more I reached out for help, I never got the help I 'needed'. My rock bottom was when I lost my kids. When that happened, I was broken and simply gave up. And why not? Nothing was ever going to change... A few years after said rock bottom and having been content in stewing in my personal hell for so long, I stumbled upon my soulmate. Literally. And during that brief encounter, he gave me the message that would eventually turn my life around. He introduced me to the 12 Steps. A tool that I would later come to use. However, I lost what was probably the best friendship I've ever had in my life... Even though I was willing, I couldn't bring myself to be open or honest. The best thing I have ever done (so far) was open up and get honest with myself. Having to look in the proverbial mirror of everything I've ever done and acknowledge the feelings, especially the fear, that has driven much of my unhealthy behavior has been an eye opener. I have never considered my feelings, muchless express them as I wasn't taught how to growing up - and certainly not honestly, has played a vital role in something I didn't expect to find. Acceptance of myself. Honestly, Openness and Willingness work hand in hand when it comes to life, relating to other people/relationships and recovery. Without it, I am doomed to fail.
What the Steps asks of us during our journey of recovery may seem like it's asking for 'too much', and some of it may even seem unreasonable. The first time I read the Steps, I arrogantly thought, "Gee, this is easy. I can do this in one day!" It never occured to me that it involved clearing out a life time's worth of crap. Crap involving false ideas and beliefs that I've carried around - particularly the self-perception of being worthless, unlovable and a complete loser (boy, aren't those the fun 'old tapes' that can be a PITA to change...). Basicially having to acknowledge those fears...which I'm sure most of us have shared...and more or less outgrow the boogy-man hiding under the bed. After all, nothing has power over us unless we give it the power... Right?
This was emailed to me by a friend...  Granted I'm not an alcoholic, but there is a lot truth in this. AA Wisdom 1. It's not old behavior if I'm still doing it.
2. If you're looking to have an image in AA, look around at the meetings you go to and look at whom you're trying to impress.
3. An alcoholic is a person who wants to be held while he's isolating.
4. Sobriety is the leading cause of relapse.
5. A treatment center is where you go and pay $15,000 to find out that AA meetings are free.
6. The idea that alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, overeaters, smokers, etc, etc, should all just go to AA meetings because a disease, is a disease, is a disease was started by a treatment center that only had one van.
7. This is a 'One Day at a Time' program. If you are clean and sober today, you are tied for first place in AA.
8. If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
9. I often obsessively pursue feeling good, no matter how bad it makes me feel.
10. When I was new, I didn't think I had any obsessions until I started thinking about it. Then it was all I could think about.
11. How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
12. From a newcomer reading the 'Promises' for the first time: We will comprehend the word cemetery and we will know peace.
13. If God were small enough to be understood, He wouldn't be big enough to be God!
14. If you want to quit drinking, you are going to have to quit drinking.
15. Newcomer: How do I know how many meetings I should attend each week?
Old-timer: Gradually cut back until you drink. Then...you'll know.
16. I would rather go through life sober, believing I am an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to convince myself that I am not an alcoholic.
17. Resentments are like stray cats: if you don't feed them, they'll go away.
18. The difference between a problem drinker and an Alcoholic is that:
A) When alcohol is taken away from the problem drinker, the problem goes away.
B) When alcohol is taken away from the Alcoholic, the problem begins.
19. Before I came into AA, I was dead, but I did not know enough to lie down.
20. I drank when I was happy. I drank when I was unhappy. Actually, I am a reason to drink.
21. You don't have to be sick to want to get well. But if you don't want to get well, you ARE sick.
22. I can't do His will my way.
23. The good news is you get your emotions back; the bad news is you get your emotions back.
24. All we ask is that you completely change your attitude as soon as possible.
25. I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.
26. Without memory, there is no healing. Without forgiveness, there is no future.
 "I'm not talking to you from the point of view of wishful thinking or imaginary craziness. I'm talking to you from a deeper, basic understanding.Quantum physics really begins to point to this discovery. It says that you can't have a Universe without mind entering into it, and that the mind is actually shaping the very thing that is being perceived." -- Dr. Fred Alan Wolf (quantum physicist, lecturer, and award-winning author)
This is a quote from a book I've been reading, called "The Secret".
What seperates man from animals isn't simply a matter of intelligence, as it has been proven time and time again that animals are indeed intelligent and capable of learning. However, despite the fact that man has an opposible thumb (as does the racoon), man has creative intelligence.
I'm not sure how many of you have ever heard of the Law of Attraction, but the idea is that the emotional energies - both positive and negative - we send out into the cosmos, comes back to us. While on some level, I find it particularly spiritually selfish and misleading, I do, however, find the overall belief in the power of positive thought and affirmation to be rather thought provoking. And it's not hard, for me, to see the power of what we think of as God, existing.
Up until the past couple of years, I have grown to be a bit of an agnostic in comparision of the religious upbringing I had by my grandparents, and the metaphysical philosophies by my mother. For me, I find the whole concept to be fascinating and rather profound.
I realize my last couple of blog entries has revolved around the disappointment with my daughter. At the time I was writing the follow-up in my last blog, it didn't occur to me that I was complaining instead of taking much action to change things. Sure, I've been saying "no" in response to her asking me for endless favors, but I have offered excuses, even lies (to avoid confrontation), instead of coming out and saying how I feel directly.
This, being a major problem in my list of defects, has made me realize I still have much work in learning to change how I perceive myself.
What is interesting also, is that my past relationships share a common pattern.
The pattern, I've found, have worked out on levels of how I have perceived myself from a very, very young age... Experiences with my biological sperm doner which involved being ignored and neglected (rejection), also emotional and mental - even physical - abuse, and eventually abandonment. He was rather cruel and sadistic to us - particularly toward the female gender, and my mom got the brunt of the physical abuse...though she wasn't the only one by any means.
To give you an idea of what I went through: he refused to support his family after coming back from Vietnam and getting discharged from the army, saying 'the world owed him'. So my mom was forced to get a job. While he was particularly responsible toward my brother, who was a baby at the time (although the physical abuse to my baby brother nearly cost him his life), I was left to fend for myself. Literally. At the age of 4, a neighbor, who turned out to be a child predator, molested me and several other girls of various ages. I was the youngest, and this lasted for seven months.
When my parents found out, my biological father's reaction was, "She's female. It's to be expected."
My perception of self and the world around me became very warped. I never learned what it meant to have self respect, let alone dignity. I had the old valued thinking of "respect your elders" pounded into my head. I learned very young that it was better to be seen and not heard, so I never knew the importance of expressing myself. And that included my thoughts and feelings. Instead, I developed the classic behavior of a codependent... People pleasing; being responsibile for others; putting my needs, feelings, dignity, self respect and values on the back burner - all this to get, what I perceived as love and acceptance, I never had with my so-called 'dad'.
Typically, but not quite oddly, the relationships I've had since then always incorporated the same elements since my earliest experience. Elements that include my perception of self as well as my fears.
"What does the Law of Attraction have to do with this or with recovery?" you ask. Simple...
The idea of this 'cosmic law' that manifestations can come about just from our thoughts. Much like self-fulfilling prophecy. The more we invest the emotional energy into these thoughts, the quicker they come into being.
We've heard countless times of various clichés of the power of 'positive thinking' and 'positive attitudes'. No doubt, during our journey in recovery, has revealed that we all share negative perceptions about ourselves. Perceptions that keep rearing it's ugly head over and over again at some point within our lives, until we stop and realize that something needs changing. Interestingly enough, those things that needs to be changed exists within us, and how we feel about ourselves.
There was an example in the book I've been reading about... A gay man who was being harrassed by people at his work and on the street. What was interesting about this story was that this man was focusing on his fear of being treated badly due to his sexual preference. It was suggested to him that he stop and take a look at what he was saying... Everything he didn't want was being manifested, instead of what he wanted. He took this suggestion to heart and began to change his perceptions around. Needless to say, several weeks later, the people who had been harrassing him either no longer were, or were no longer around.
For me, it makes sense.
It is said that all life is interconnected. If that is true, I can see the spiritual value of the 12 Steps, Promises and Traditions... No matter what we believe in, it is the same for us all. It's fascinating to me how religion, science and phychology are bridged together with metaphysical philosophy, that demonstrates an underlying force that is ever-present and ever at work. Not just in our lives, but everything around us.
My perceptions of self, especially parts of myself that were never nurtured or given a chance to develop, played a huge role into how and why my life has become unmanagable. Those perceptions and fears manifested repeating situations in my life, in which I could either continue the cycle of insanity (repeating the same habits and expecting different results) or change old ways of thinking that hasn't been working for me.
Such is the choice of free will.
Tags: Reflective
For those that read my last entry, then I'm sure you were aware that I was filled with much anxiety having my daughter and her family move back to town. They should've made it back, again, about an hour ago...as they went back to Texas four days ago to pick up what was left of their belongings. The initial 5 days she was here, I never saw my daughter once. Although it never stopped her from calling me daily trying to solicit varying "favors". Even tonight she called, once they were on the outskirts of the state, to ask if I could "stay overnight to babysit" while she and her hubby took a night off to themselves. *sigh* I love my daughter very much. And I'm trying to work on my baggage that deteriorated our relationship, but I don't deserve to be treated like a convenience who jumps at her beck and call because I feel guilty.  Aside from that, I'm finding myself slipping back into isolation mode again. After having finished Al-anon's Blueprint for Progress - the workbook for step 4, I was set to meet a friend to go over it the other night, which he forgot completely about our scheduled meeting. I wasn't disappointed because I had gone over the entire 5 subject notebook that was nearly filled up just for this step, and something told me I was missing something. Since I don't have a step sponsor for any of this and tend to lean alot on friends in recovery when I need help, and I am thankful for the materials I have available to me. Due to the varying anon-groups that are out there, it has been rather helpful to me for differing ideas and suggestions. One book that I have for OA (not official literary) suggested a Secrets List. 'Hrmm... The Al-anon workbook didn't include this,' I thought, and figured it would be a breeze like the rest. After all, I've spent nearly two years getting honest with myself. So how hard could this be..? I proceeded to scribe even more shameful junk I've kept tucked away in the dusty recesses of my psyche. When I was done, for the first time during the work I've put into this step, I was a wreck. Naturally I went through the typical emotions of guilt, humiliation, embarrassment, shame and regret... But much to my surprise, I was not only dredging up stuff I did remember, I was overwhelmed because this was emotional baggage I've avoided thinking about and repressed. For years! One of the intreaguing things about step 4 is how intersecting much of my defects are. That realization alone I find rather fascinating. The only problem is with it, however, is with all the work I've put into this step, I feel I'm still missing the vital component as to why...and when...have I become so irrationally paralyzed with fear in the face of or anticipation of loss. That, and I still can't seem to recover from being emotionally distant and distrusting (with myself, with others, even with God), which makes me feel like the spiritual side of this program isn't happening much for me...at all. I seem to have found a major piece of the puzzle, but so far, it isn't fitting in with the other pieces. Whatever it is, all this is leading up to step 9. Forgiving and making amends - to myself. I'm just at a loss as to how to go about overcoming this hurdle. Anyone have any suggestions on how to go about getting past an emotional/mental block? 
Tags: Disappointed
In a few hours, possibly as little as only a couple, my life is going to turn temporarily upside down... Earlier tonight, the phone rang. It was my daughter calling - to inform me they were almost out of Texas and on their way here. I was like... "Uh, ok." She had been calling me on and off for the past couple of weeks saying how she 'might' be moving back here. However, in the course of that couple weeks, she'd flip-flop on her decision. One day it would be here. The next day, it would be 'no, maybe Nevada'... Or Arizona... Or stick it out in Texas... She even called me this morning, waking me out of a dead sleep to let me know that they "might" be leaving tonight or tomorrow morning. I told her she might want to belay that because we've been hammered all day with snow and to check the weather on the internet in case the highway was closed. Apparently they left anyway. For me, it's very difficult to keep up with her. The impulsiveness of her choices tends to make my head swivel like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist", but with much confusion. Needless to say, I wasn't planning anything - until awhile ago. Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter more than life itself. I haven't seen her, my son in-law or grandkids since they came out last year for her foster mother's funeral. ...Guess who got stuck watching the critters at last minute? And got talked into letting them all stay the night the moment they walked in the front door? Yeah. Me. This time around is going to be much like that of the Chinese curse... "Interesting". I've already screwed up and consented into letting them stay, with only hours of warning. I have no idea how I'm going to pull this one off... There's nothing here for the kids to do. Hell, it's not even child proof. Plus I don't have the room for four extra people. Yet she knows I'll bend over backwards for her. Not saying no and people pleasing has been a huge problem for me. It ends up making me feel like a doormat, but instead of it saying 'welcome', it says "USE ME!". Like I said, I'll do anything for her. But I also have to stop allowing myself to be walked all over. By her as well. I'll let them stay for a night. Maybe two, depending on how things manage. I'll help her do what she needs to do to get situated. Anything else... *sigh* I have to remind myself that my recovery comes first. See? Already I'm feeling guilty for making a priority of my own needs for once.  This is going to be an interesting experience. Possibly a growing one... Just to see how far I've come by putting what I've learned...these new perspectives into action (as I'm just about finished with Step 4), especially with one of the people in my life I'm extremely vulnerable with. And I imagine I'm going to be saying the Serenity Prayer a whole lot more than I usually do.
I thought some of these quotes on attitude were rather uplifting and having alot of wisdom in it regarding our recovery. Enjoy...  Attitude"Where there is an open mind, there will always be a frontier." - Charles Kettering
"An optimist expects his dreams to come true; a pessimist expects his nightmares to." - Lawrence J. Peter.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it." - Marcus Aurelius
"As ye think, so shall ye be." - Jesus Christ
"What we think, we become." - Buddha
"We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and delusion, just as effectively as bombs." - Kenneth Clark
"Change your thoughts and you change your world." - Norman Vincent Peale
"Your life is what your thoughts make of it." - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
"Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it." - Ernest Holmes
"Think in terms of poverty and you will live in poverty." - Napoleon Hill
"Things are only worth what you make them worth." - Moliere
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." - William James
"Either I will find a way, or I will make one." - Philip Sidney
"Everyone constructs their own bed of nails." - D. Sutten
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." - Dennis P. Kimbro
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