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Viewing 37 - 45 out of 163 Blogs.
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Good evening, my friends - I had a couple of thoughts that have been racing around that 1/4 mile oval in my head and figured it might be good to get one of them out. I listen to a couple of Christian radio programs weekly and a was mite take aback when a panel discussion veered into the "preposterous" idea that addictions are a disease. One of the people on the panel flatly stated that they were not diseases, but sins of immorality. All one had to do was stop. Agreement all round in the studio. My, my, my. Being of the personality type that has spent the better part of a lifetime researching the various aspects of alcoholism and the resulting debilitating state of body and mind that go with it, I took personal exception with the good pastors statement. After mulling this over a bit, my problem with his flat judgement is what drove me against organized religion in the first place. That authoratative use of the word "sin" in it's usual negative context. No biblical references or reasoning behind the pronouncement. Just the disembodied voice speaking ex cathedra form a obvious position of lofty religious eminence and pompous arrogance. Why does this just flat piss me off? I dunno, but I'll get over it. Let go, let God (at least mine will, I'm not too sure about his). One of the things I've had to learn in the fellowship is tolerance. "We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend"(BB pp 67). So now I got yet another sick friend . Yay. That brings me to a bit of a point. Tolerance, and how much I need to use it to moderate my relationships with others. Used to be, if I didn't like you (and there was a mighty good chance of that) I could just go drink and nurse my dislike into full blown hatred with a platter of resentment on the side for good measure. Today that isn't an option. I know where that leads. To a whole bunch of people occupying free space in my head. Screwing up my serenity. Wasting my time. Nope, Twenty four hours of this bozo's arrogant BS bouncing around in my head was more than enough. Scratch that program. I think I'll stick with the winners - the ones that understand me and know that while we may never be perfect - we're working at it. Tis a wonderful gift you've all given this drunk. Thanks... Nuff Said, Dennis
Hi all - I was cogitating a bit on some of what I've dome, read and seen of late (both here and in the physical world). And this thought bubbled up from the murk of my mind about the word "action". The BB talks about the "course of vigorous action" we are embarked upon. For this drunk that very series of next indicated things has resulted in many blessing. But I've also learned that one can not let up on this "action". Once engaged, these things end up being something I'll hopefully be doing right up till it's time to take a dirt nap. One may ask why? Because it is now part of who I am. Reviewing my day when ending it, Speaking with and listening to God. Looking for His hand in the daily events of my life - in answer to my prayer for knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. Trusting Him, cleaning house and helping others. It makes me able to look myself in the mirror and smile - instead of cringe. Most days this works really well for me, others it seems I fall short of the mark. But then you gotta try before you can fail. Not trying at all guarantees failure. A really good thing for this drunk to remember... Nuff said, Dennis
Howdy all - This one came up at a meeting. Dignity: (dig·ni·ty [dígnetee] ). Yep. I don't know how many of you have had that for a topic, but it was a first for me and quite a few others. Something we obviously rarely if ever discussed in relation to recovery. Along with our inherent desire for "it".
If we peruse the web a bit we have a couple of applicable definitions:
1. Inherent nobility and worth
2. Poise and self respect.
Hmmm. Inherent nobility, self worth, poise and self respect? I dunno about anyone else, but I spent a long time a few apples shy of a bushel when it came to words like this. And the basket had an alcoholic sized hole in it. The last thing I even thought about was dignity when I started this journey. Funny thing today, I understand these words a lot better than I did back then. Those are the words to describe what I saw in many of the people sitting the rooms the first time I walked in.
Then the paradox set in. The only way I could even get a shot at them was by totally humbling myself. They said "If you want what we have, do what we do". I was sitting there in total ignominy, feeling worthless and with zero self respect. I felt like a total piece of human waste - and I had to HUMBLE myself? I did have poise - I was poised to run. Some might think that one out of four ain't bad, I suppose.
But, by the grace of God and in spite of myself I managed to stick around the rooms and start to learn how to try and live by those twelve principles that AA's have so sucessfully used for so many years. But it still comes as a total suprise to me to realize that I can act nobly, be worthy enough to be asked to be of service and actually come to believe that I could respect myself (occasionally). That poise bit I ain't got figured out yet, but hey -progress, not perfection.
I believe this word well serves to describe part of the Promises. That the time comes as I honestly do these steps when I can actually be a part of something, help others, be relied upon, trusted and loved. Tis a warm and wonderful feeling for this drunk. The really great thing is as long as I remember to do all the things that got me here, I get to play with others of like mind. And we get to treat each other with - dignity, of all things. Whoda thunk? Heck of a deal & cheap at twice the price... Nuff Said,
Dennis
Hi All - Interesting scene. Even better media to work with. Stretched black velvet and charcoal. It's a moonless night. A strange scene unfolding as I peer into the dimness. A man walking on a tightrope, stretched across a pool of boiling oil. In one hand carrying what appears to be huge bag. In the other a couple of books. Carefully taking that next step. Taking this analog and looking at my life, today I am that man. A short ways back, I didn't much care where or how I walked - or staggered through life. I stomped around, hurting people. Some inadvertently, others intentionally. Seeing myself as one who had the "right" to what I felt I deserved - and more. And willing to take it. Then the time finally came that I got exactly what I deserved. My alcoholism had progressed to the point where I couldn't keep my so-called balance. The physical symptoms were bad enough. The emotional knowledge that I could no longer drink - and couldn't live without alcohol was what finally brought my insane balancing act to an end. Today I have a slightly different balance. My alcoholism is still here, ready to raise it's head up any time I care to let it. But on the other side are the spiritual tools that AA gave me, the fellowship itself and above all - God. I've learned that my well-being is only temporary - and it is based solely on my spiritual condition. That's why it is oh-so very important for me to do all those things that got me sober in the first place. Honesty, prayer, meditation, trust in God, helping others. Every day, day in - day out. It lends a very real meaning to the phrase by John Bradford:" There but for the grace of God, go I". The books? The BIG BOOK and the Big Book. Keeps me in balance. Something this drunk prays never to forget... Nuff Said, Dennis
...the grace of God, there go I. It wasn't the best of days yesterday. Our Sunday morning meeting had yet another reminder of what happpens when one of us doesn't quite get it quick enough. She was in her early thirties and tried hard - just not hard enough, I guess. Alcohol poisoning and an overdose. A miserable reminder for this drunk that it's not a good bet on making it back in of I'm thinking about going back out... Nuff Said, Dennis
Howdy all -
Been a fair-to-middling good day today in the desert. I've been kicking around two words. Belief and trust. Two rather difficult words when I tie each of them them to yet another word in similar context. Let's try "Belief in God" and "Trust in God" as the example.
I don't know about you, But I believed in God a long time before I got sober. I saw a lot of other people that had all the breaks, things I thought I deserved and knew for a fact they didn't deserve them. Yeah, right. Seriously, there were many "miracles" that occurred to people around me that could only be explaind by some "Higher Power" being involved. Funny thing is, as long as my buddy Al had my ear, I never realized how many such events happened to me.So I had this belief that there was a God - but blinded by alcohol, I never got past just believing.
Exit my buddy AL, stage left. I remember having a long discussion with this God That seemed to help everybody else my second night in detox (It's truely amazing who you'll talk to when you've reached the end of your rope and there's nothing to tie it off to). I've never been big on begging, but the upshot of this conversation was me asking for some serious help. You gotta remember that for 35+ years Me and Al never needed anything from anybody. I trusted Al and nothing else. Then the bottle let me down, failed me. After all those years, that power greater than myself was gone. I needed another - pretty bad.
I woke up that next morning sober. No shakes, completely normal physically. Emotionally level. And no desire for a drink. Nor have I had any desire for one since. So let's kick up that belief of mine a notch or two.
Having had this rather astounding demonstration of ?power?, ?control? or whatever you want to call it, naturally I was curious as to what the depths of this relationship with "God" could bring. One of the things that struck me was the admonition in the big book to never pray for ourselves. Pray for others, the ability to do His will, direction, and so on. That in doing so would give me the ability to make those good choices and difficult decisions. OK, so it worked (and still is). The spiritual benefits of trusting God, instead of just believing in Him is as different as night and day. There have been many times in recent history that the outcome of situations have not been to my immediate benefit (which used to send me running to the liquor store), but I found that other events occured (that never would have otherwise) as a result of these decisions I made that have changed my life for the better. Not merely physical changes in my life, but emotional and spiritual. Those much touted "promises". All because I quit just believing and started trusting. I guess that why they didn't start putting "In God We Believe" back in 1864 on money. Because belief don't get much action.
Acting in trust does. A pretty darn good thing for this drunk to remember... Nuff Said
Dennis
Hi All - Yet another beautiful day in the high desert. Since everyone else is busy doing useful and constructive things, I thought I have some fun. Got me a couple decks of cards, I'm sitting out here on the grass and building a house. Yep - shooting for a four story mansion with attached garage. The first three levels look pretty spiffy, working on the fourth and the roof. Oops. Dang. It seems the wind never stops blowing in the desert. Time for fifty-two pickup. Oh well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. A couple of good things pop out here. Reminds me of altogether too many ideas and schemes I had a while back. Houses of cards, shifting sands, poor foundations. And really, really bad decisions. One of the benefits of AA has been the ability to think emotionally related things through, thus keeping my natural tendency to piss off everyone within two states in check. The other is the realization that my grandious schemes were never more than that. I never thought of the ramifications of my actions, contemplated whether or not I was harming others and generally did thihgs like there was no consequences. Consequences. Yep, there sure are. Thats where the things I am learning come in to play. There aren't any regrets if you do no harm in the first place. Tis a grand thing for this drunk to keep in mind... Nuff Said, Dennis
Howdy all - Beautiful sunny morning today, so it's a good day for sidewalk chalk. A cartoon will be the venue, I believe. The first few panels show two people talking. The first person is saying in each: "Coming to the meeting today?". The second person has a variety of answers: "Nope, got a doctor's appointment", "Can't, our in-laws are coming for the weekend","Got to get the oil changed in the car" and "Would really love to, but gotta run now". The last panel is a view of that second person. sitting in the back of a squad car in handcuffs, next to a 3 car wreck, an ambulance and a body bag. The words are "Where did I go wrong?" Tis a fact that one of the symptoms of the allergic reaction to alcohol is we break out in handcuffs. Hmmm. The subject of meetings came up at a pre-meeting meeting yesterday. For those of us that were at this little discussion, the consensus was "Suit Up & Show Up". We were thinking about others that had gone back out and the first thing that appeared to happen is that they assigned a higher priority to other things in their lives than their sobriety. We ain't talking newcomers here, folks. Often people with many years of sobriety. There have been meetings I've missed for various and sundry reasons. Most valid (note that I didn't say good) reasons, but some were pretty flimsy. Often newcomers spend some time going in and out for a period - usually until they get focused on the fact that without their sobriety, not much else good is going to happen to them. On the other hand, we with a few 24 hours behind us have another issue to deal with. Often we see the results and benefits of the time spent with the fellowship - but it often appears the things we did (and where we did them) to reap this cornicopia of blessings begins to fade and blur in the daily activities of living life. What happens as we slowly drift away from the things we did to get sober and unscrew our lives? Maybe not much - at first. The serenity thing may suffer a bit, what used to be minor issues may grow a tad. But, the time will come. Ths disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. Insidious at the very least. It kills, no regrets, no cares. Trust God, Clean House, Help Others. The three basic ingredients for sobriety. Take one out and the recipe is spoiled. That last part I can't do alone. Gotta go where "Others" are. Mebbe to a meeting? Hmmm. Whoda thunk? Yet another good thing for this drunk to remember... Nuff Said, Dennis
Hi All -
Gloomy, smoky, hazy day here in the high desert - compliments of the plethora of fires here on the left coast. The bright side (at least for me) is I checked the obits and I'm not listed there. The dark side of that is I'm gonna have to pay taxes for today. Sigh---
Interesting view, a watercolor. There's a small pond in a lightly wooded area near a large rambling house. Spring in full bloom, heading into summer. A dozen or so kids near a sandy open shoreline of the pond, all splashing and playing. Except one. Sitting next to a stump by the edge of the pond with a sad and longing look on his face.
I look back a short eternity of time and see myself sitting smack dab in his place. Badly wanting to do something, but afraid. Badly wanting not to do something, but afraid. Afraid of being seen the fool. Afraid of standing out, being different. Deathly afraid of failure. Even afraid of succeeding too well. Wishing for goodness , but fearing the effort to enjoy the labor of planting and cultivating such a crop. To coin the phrase - afraid to boldy go where no me has gone before.
Twas easier in my mind to drink and dream. Or drink and scheme. When the end of my rope came, it was drink and scream.
With the help a loving and understanding God, the fellowship and those twelve simple steps, I find that today I'm able to more readily face many of my fears, work my way to and through them. Not all of course, I'm still not anywhere near comfortable in crowds of strangers. Nor am I able to easily do things publicly that I am not proficient at. Interlaced among the other other issues in my life there are still fears. But not a one of them is worth drinking over. And I don't face them alone. Something this drunk will do well to remember... Nuff Said,
Dennis
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