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So often in prior times I b*tched about everything - good or bad. When something good happened, it either wasn't good enough or I expected a calamity to make up for it. Sure enough it usually did. The I could whine about something bad Looking back - I find that all those times were usually caused by me. I was sabotaging my own happiness. Instead of accepting the small good things, I'd try to make them bigger and better - and ended up ruining them. Not exactly a picture of smart, huh? I've managed to change that a bit - just progress, not perfection. Now I try to find the good in almost anything. And when I do (which is more often that I'd of thought), I cherish it. Quite often of late the good has been some bit of knowledge about myself I didn't see or something I have to change within me to make me a more complete person. The situations that lead to these little revelations are not always "good" or "nice". But the results (if I accept them) lead me further on the path I chose to take. Bad is still pretty awful, sadness and pain still hurt like h*ll. But I find if I can use them as learning experiences, I can grow just a little more. And that is a VERY good thing for me.... Dennis
Tags: Happy
I was thinking that relationships can be really a difficult thing for me. I spent so much time floating in a sea of alcohol that I never really grew up. As it is said, I stopped my emotional age at 16 or so. I didn't care much for or about people, whether or I wanted to or not - my focus was always redirected back to alcohol - my own little private world. That was then, this is now. I try hard to listen to people and care very much for for both their problems and insights into mine. Like a pendulum, I have moved away from "not at all" to "very much". Not much balance in this drunk's life. Tempering my hopefully well meaning concern with the realization that my input may not be received as intended or even the fact that future responses may not be directed to me (even if I am the certer of the universe - now you know, so you don't have to wonder any more) is a task I obviously must take stronger action on. Humility check... Nuff said, Dennis
You would think that they could find a way to make certain things more obvious. I've spent more than a day this past week being a obnoxious pissy little misanthrope. So, in an attempt to shake it off I went back to basics. I started reciting the reasons I had to be grateful. slowly and in detail Nope - it didn't take long at all to pull me out of the pit of funk I was in. Before I was done I had to take my socks off or lose count. In fact, I had a hard time putting anything on the other side of the scale. According to my list, I should be jumping for joy. So I will. This was an abrupt reminder that the tools I need to maintain my emotional sobriety must be "properly" used every day - or I (and everyone around me) will suffer the consequences. Just saying "Hey God - OBTW, thanks" at the end of my day is obviously a worthless platitude for me. Total mental focus and unbending intent is necessary to make a prayer of gratitude mean anything and have any effect. Nuff said, Dennis
Tags: Happy
We got up yesterday, set about our daily routine, and guess what? Nothing, nada, zip, none. The whole day - like all dressed up and nowhere to go. I wandered around aimlessly, both physically and mentally (now that's REAL smart) wondering what the h*ll is going on. Went to a meeting - even it was ho-hum. Spun up the lathe and made a little sawdust. Absolutely nothing clicked. I was bored senseless. On January 19th,2008 absolutely nothing happened in my life. No "drama", no 15 seconds of fame, no letter from the IRS saying they are going to audit me, no calls from on of my sons saying the sky is falling, Nothing... Well not quite. I kissed my wife. I talked to an old friend on the phone, I read, did some odds and ends from work. I prayed and meditated. What is it about my mind that says "gimme drama - make me feel important and involved"? God - Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I SHOULD NOT change - Boring is good too, you know? Dennis
Tags: Comfortable
Well, I have finally finished my first perusal of Mr Pietsch's book, "The Serenity Prayer Book", but it will not be my last. I really appreciate the fact that someone would write a book like this just for me. Who'da thunk? The last line "and Wisdom to know the difference" is the clincher. When I first got into this journey, I wasn't worried about serenity, All I cared about was staying somewhat sane while not drinking and eventually dying from it. Getting serenity is about those wierd dudes that sit out in front of caves or huts on mountain tops, chanting strange gibberish, right? Well, maybe not quite. To have this "Wisdom" stuff requires me to have several things. Honest understanding of myself, some small understanding of all you people and a trust in God. I already know that I have no few flaws in my character, and have committed my share of transgressions. But if I am rigorously honest with myself - I will know my limitations (now there is a laundry list from h*ll). I will also be able to improve as time goes on - if I work on it. But you people - there is a real problem. If I trust everyone, I am going to look like a worn out punching bag. If I mistrust everyone, I will never be disappointed when I am let down - but I will never enjoy any personal relationships again. What is the best approach? Bill Pietsch says be optimistic about people and realistic about their flaws. I can buy that, but what about this trusting God thing? This is where faith comes in. To keep it simple (simple is good for me), I have faith that God will do for me what I cannot do. There was a point in my recovery where all desire to drink was taken away. Believe me - I got faith by the truckload (you don't have to hit me more that twice with a 2x4 to get my attention). But does one have to have an epiphany? Even before this wonderous occurrance I could sense?, feel? that certain coincidences and events were not "normal". I eventually figured out that God was providing that open door or event I needed (Duh...). I began to gain trust and confidence that He would do for me what I cannot do. That was the true beginning of my faith. The epiphany just caused it to solidify faster. There it is in a rather verbose, rambling nutshell. Honestly knowing my limits, realistic expectations of others and a unyielding trust in God. The neat thing about this is that as I grow, my limits change, my view of people changes and my trust in God increases. Thereby increasing my "Wisdom", so to speak. And along with it my "Serenity". Thanks for bearing with me on these blogs. There are times when I feel like a kid that just found a pretty marble and have to show it to everyone(just think - it could have been Tolstoy's "War and Peace"). Dennis
Tags: Serene
Yep - I'm back again. Put away the good china and hide the coin collection. Bill Pietsch and his book is putting me in a very dangerous place - my head. Sure enough, no doubt about it. I been thinking again. And it hurts. "Accept the things we cannot change. Courage to change the things I can". Simple enough. If it rains, it rains - right? I can't do a thing about that. What about the roof leaking? OK, I can fix that. Oh wait - it's Sunday and the hardware store is closed. Maybe I can borrow some patch from my neighbor. Oh wait -I got into an argument with him last week over a party I had that was too loud. He won't even talk to me. SH*T, get the buckets and pans out. Now I'm pissed off. If we were all hermits life would be simple - but we aren't and it isn't. The hardest fact I have had to swallow is that God will not change the world to fit my idea of perfection. Stoplights would always turn green when I pulled up to them. Everyone would think like me. Life would be great. Right? So now I am forced to accept the fact that God, the world and all you people are not going to change your ways to fit my views. How brutally callous and unfair of you. I could just have a hissy fit. Instead I have to accept the fact that if I had fixed my roof before it rained, I wouldn't have had the leaks. If I had not gotten into the argument, I could have borrowed the patch I needed. News flash, people - there appears to be a common thread to all the things I have a hard time accepting. Me. Go figure. There will always be things I cannot change - like God, the stoplights and the rain - and all of you. But the point I see in this is that there would be far less bitter drinks to swallow if I hadn't set myself up for them in the first place. My own actions - many times because of a lack of courage and foresight, both then and now, have and will set the tone for the things I will be forced to accept. It is saying we can change many things we don't like to accept - by having the courage to never let them happpen at all. How sweet it is... I never want to be a drunk again. So I guess I just won't take that drink today. Thank you for being a part of my recovery, Dennis
I have been reading a book titled "The Serenity Prayer Book" by William V. Pietsch. I started for no other reason than the fact I am an anal-reteintive engineer that has a bad habit of needing to understand everything I do. This man has authored a fantastic history and breakdown on not only the prayer, but on the words themselves. It all applies to recovery and what it can do for us - on any occasion. One example he brings forth struck me really hard. To paraphrase: "We as human beings eventually do things by rote". OK - how many times have I said the Serenity Prayer? Countless. By the time I am at the last sentence, how many times have I just muttered it along with others? Yep - countless. He points out that I have to WANT that acceptance, courage, and wisdom. I find that altogether too often I WANT the serenity, but forgot to WANT the things that will give it to me. Bottom line on all this: On altogether too many occasions I have talked the talk with God, but not walked the walk. This is dangerous. Complacency can kill me too. Nuff said. Dennis
Tags: Reflective
There is always those guys talking at the table about being a "Grateful Alcoholic". At first I really had a hard time with this concept. Wazzup with that - how the h*ll can I be grateful for having a disease that will kill me and makes my life miserable without it? As time passed, I came to discover many things to be grateful for - all because I was first a drunk, then an alcoholic. If I had never drank, I would not be writing this, I wouldn't be the "me" I am now. So, just a short list of things I am grateful for today: I didn't drink yesterday, and have no intention of drinking today. For my relationship with God - something far better than I could ever dream. For a wonderful woman that stood beside me - when it would have been easier to leave. For all the friends (both physical and virtual) that have helped me and made me what I am today. For the trials and tribulations of daily life that my Senior Partner uses to teach me how to live life on life's terms. The chance to live another day in service to others. The vacuum cleaner - otherwise it would be harder to clean the floors. The fact that I can afford to pay my bills. A country where I can be free to take responsibility for my actions. Clumping cat litter - no explanation needed. Since I am an alcoholic and just happen to be grateful today, I guess that makes me one of "those guys". Of late, when I feel a bit pissy about my lot in life, I drag out my list and stop and think - what if I didn't have any one of these? Scary thought, ain't it?
Dennis
Tags: Wonderful
My wife and I have been talking about and working on a supposed problem in her life for quite a while now. It is an issue called "co-dependency". Now the Free Online Dictionary defines it as: co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent (k  d -p n d nt) adj. 1. Mutually dependent. 2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling. n. One who is co-dependent or in a co-dependent relationship. At the AlAnon meetings everyone told her that she had to be co-dependent because I was a drunk, so she was sick and in denial. After about 3 months of this crap we sat down and talked about it and I decided to read the book "Co-dependency No More". We talked some more and started doing research on codependency and it's history. Co-dependency was originally conceived to describe a person that interfered with the recovery of an alcoholic or addict to maintain control of that person (the second definition above) or the status quo regarding their relationship. Somewhere in the late 80's and early 90's some rocket scientists decided that there was money to be had if everyone could be convinced they were co-dependent and that it was a bad thing. And the beat goes on. The popular coffee table psychobabble books have perverted the idea of co-dependency to the point where we all fit the second definition. The real issue for me is that these perverted concepts are being used by professionals to diagnose and recommend treatment for a psychological disease that quite possibly does not exist for a given person. Using the current psychcobabble the bottom line on this is: My wife and I are co-dependent and will require expensive professional help for the rest of our lives. Using the original model the bottom line on this is: My wife and I in love and will stay that way for the rest of our lives. And some shrink will have to find another way to make the mercedes payment Now, be assured that I am not trying to trash anyone's cherished beliefs. I found this study to be interesting and informative. It also eased my wife's concerns regarding a supposed critical issue in our relationship. I felt that mayhaps others would be interested in our findings, so here is a link to a site that has some food for thought on that subject and a few other related to addictions: http://www.habitsmart.com/cdpnt.htm. There is also a links page in the main site that carries some very good references on this and other points of interest. Everyone have wonderful day... Dennis
Tags: Comfortable
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