Dusting off the soapbox again. Donning the rusty aromor and doing the Don Quixote thing. This is for anyone out there that thinks they can get away with it (whatever "it" may be) for just another day. Boy, are you wrong. I've got five people dying to tell you why.
     It's been a bad month for anyone in recovery around here (or anywhere else for that matter), whatever the addiction. Anytime we lose one of our own it hurts. Our group out here has lost 3 members, one young man who never made in the door and one who made it in but ended back out. Three to alcohol related diseases, one to suicide and another to an overdose. I speak to the last one;
     The last was a young man of 20 going through recovery with a new member of our community. He was really trying to make his program work. The treatment facility was strict and any indication of substance abuse and you are out of the program - no exceptions whatsoever. The day before the lad's 28 day treatment was over his test came back positive. He contested it and they submitted the sample for in depth testing. But he was still out of the program. No exceptions, remember.
    The in depth analysis came back stating he was clean three days later ~ the day after the young man died of an overdose.
    What went wrong? Did he lose hope? Why did the test come back positive? Couldn't they give him a break?  Why didn't someone do something?
     None of those questions matter in the least now. He died, just as all the others here and everywhere else have died. Nothing we say or do can bring them back. 
     Often one hears that somone has one more drunk in them, but they don't have another recovery. There you have it in a nutshell. Ninety miles an hour down a dead end street. Go out enough times and you will die.
     This disease kills people - and doesn't care who or why. It just wants as many people dead as it can have. Preferably slowly and in great pain.
   God (for whatever reason) has granted me another day of life. The reason He did doesn't really matter either. But I thank Him, praise Him and will do His Will wherever I can, forever grateful for that 24 hours.
Nuff said...
Dennis
 



    

7 comments View Entry

     Yep - keyboard still works. Found the soapbox behind the desk. Off again.
    I try not to do long quotes too often. Some things come into my vision, and like a frog and a fly - gets stuck to my tongue. This is from "The 12 Step Prayer Book" 2nd Ed. by Bill P. amd Lisa D.


Search for Serenity

     The search is yours and mine. Each finds his way with help, but yet alone.
     Serenity is the goal. It comes to those who wait and grow, for each can learn to understand himself and say, " I've found a joy in being me, and knowing you; A knowledge of the depths I can descend, a chance to climb the heights above my head."
     The way is not so easy all the time. Our feet will stumble often as we go. A friend may need to give some extra help, as  we once gave to others when in their hour of fear.
     This is not picnic path we have found, but yet compared to other days and other times, it seems a better route.
     We lost our way before, in fear, guilt, and resementments held too long. Self-pity had its way with us. We found the perfect alibi for all our faults.
     We do not know what life may bring from day to day. Tomorrow is a task not yet done, and we could fail to pass it's test.
     But this will wait, while in today we do the best we can. Today we try to grow, to give, to share, with you.

    Most of the words I've seen in one combination or another. This one also says quite clearly it also takes the sharing, passing on of my Experience, Strength and Hope to others to achieve a state of serenity. I like that.
     Just another thing I cannot do alone, locked in a closet or hiding under the bed. Either I am proactive in gaining/maintaining my serenity, or  I'm just sober. Don't get me wrong - sober is great - but I loooooveeeee the serenity. As a human doing, I can't not interact with others. Interacting in a positive manner turns a bad day to good, a good day to great,  and so on, ad nauseam. When I do this I can lie down at the end of the day realizing that I did the best I could to help others in any way I can.
     Serenity for me can sometimes be as simple as not having to wish I had done something for someone ...
Nuff said,
Dennis

4 comments View Entry

     I hate avocado. Well, hate may be a little strong. I guess I just despise it, or view it with contempt. Green slime in a puddle. Something like that. And I haven't done a thing to correct that opinion, since it doesn't appear have any serious negative effect on my recovery.
     JD and I swapped a comment today that brought something to mind. There were a few other things that I disliked when I started this journey. Mostly people. All in general and an elite, very select group that required an extra dose of my own personal brew of resentment, anger, hatred and fear. It has required a considerable period of my attention and effort  to adjust the way I view people.
     You know something? You people reallly aren't as bad as I thought. I took the advice of people that had figured it out and it has worked for me too. I pray for them by name - and me. Nothing special, just for Gods will in our lives. For as long as it takes.
     Now I find I actually like people. The ones that were special to me no longer consume my energy - one way or the other for the most part. So it proves that God can change all of you, just to make me happy - right?
     OK, you guys didn't change - but one huge thing changed in me. My perception of people. collectivly and as individuals. Tis a grand thing that I am thankful for.
     But you know - avocado still sucks.

Nuff said,
Dennis

5 comments View Entry

     When I first starrted in recovery, I had this dream of being "normal". Yeah - so I was wrong. If you can stop laughing, read on - while I rant a bit..
     I've been working on our annual AA roundup this year, as being of service is supposed to part of the fellowship. Our committee is comprised of a very small percentage of the fellowship in our town. Working with these members (mostly of long standing - 15 plus years) has confirmed to me a sad fact of life. I do not want to be normal. I pray that I am never normal. If I become normal I hope someone puts me out of my misery - quickly. No fanfare, please.
     One of the basic tenets of my recovery is alluded to by the phrase "Anonymity os the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities" - the twelfth Tradition of AA. At first glance it seems to say "be anonymous, don't be advertising yourself". In part that is true. Now lets add one of those principles to it - "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholice, and to practice these principles in all our affairs" - the twelfth step. That tacks on all 164 pages of principles and tenets,
     IMHO, that means that the practice of humility and acceptance of others is to be a foremost consideration when dealing with people - whether in or out of the fellowship. Compromise, Studied and considerate discussion regarding differences of opinion and desires. 
     Nope - not a chance. These people are normal. Bickering, sniping, back biting, egos in collision. All in all, excellent examples of "normal" human beings. My God - I'd rather go on a field trip to Madam Tussade's wax museum with a group of eight year olds. 
     I am glad that I've been around the tables just long enough to realize that being "normal" is not a result I desire from this road I am traveling. 
     Maybe today will be better for them - but somehow I don't think so. 
Me - I think I'll try to keep my opinion to myself. Life is too short as it is...
Nuff said,
Dennis


    

4 comments View Entry

I'm back
    Yeah, I know. If I keep this up they're going to take away my keyboard. A recent blog by our friend Phobic (muchas Gracias) pointed out a part of the recovering persons life that can't be ignored. Life itself. What happens out in that big wide scary world out there. We tend to insulate and isolate our recovery from everything outside of our little circle.
     Okay, this is a recovery site, so our prime focus is Experience, Strength and Hope (as it should be). But he is obviously correct in that we need to express more than that single facet of our lifes to really relate to each other. 
     Friendships, whether online or in the physical usually don't stand up well on just one common point of interest. They get old, stale and drift apart. People get bored seeing the same thing every day. Intellectual stimulation is a good thing.
     IMO, it would be a good thing to see more posts like his - especially when they relate to the disease we carry around with us. As long as we adhere to good taste and respect for each other's point of view, we could have could have some fun...
Nuff said,
Dennis

2 comments View Entry

     Yep. It's me. Back again. Just like the bad dollar bill (used to be a penny, but inflation gets to everything). With another one of these revelations that everybody figured out last week. Bear with me for a moment anyway.
     My wife and I do daily readings and meditation. Today her reading was from Max Lucado and it struck a resounding chord in me. "God wants you to listen to his music".
     The analogy is one where he starts taking "music" away. Out goes the rap, R&B, rock, classical - even C&W (disco was already long gone - praise be).  
    When I hit bottom, there was no "music" left in my life. All the things I thought were good were "taken away". Friends (C&W), happiness(rock), contentment (classical). All harmony gone - because of choices I had made in my life. I was left in a soundless, soulless void with only one of two ways to choose. His music, or to remain in that soundless expanse of emptiness - my very own custom made personal hell on earth.
     I chose His music. The ageless songs of love, joy and gratitude. I will be forever grateful to Him for taking away my music and replacing it with His. May He grant me His Grace to sing it for as long as I am here.
In Jesus's name.
Nuff said,
Amen

2 comments View Entry

     Don't you just love the way a catchy title brings people in? Even if it has nothing to do with the subject. 
     It's been a while since I babbled here, so I figured I'd see if I could remember further back than yesterday and put together a few (very few) coherent words.
     Life's been interesting for me of late. I haven't had any serious personal problems, meetings are going well, work is work, yada, yada, yada...
     I have been doing some reading on God's will and how it works in a persons life. I have come to the conclusion that they wrote those books to make money. The bottom line is: God is going to do what God is going to do, and there is not much one can do but go with the flow.
     I done some serious work on expectations, resentments and acceptance. I find that the only person I can really depend on is me (and even then only about half the time). So now I take what is promised with a truckload of salt. I plan for delays and take things as they come and not how I expect them to happen. It makes for a much more peaceful mind at the end of the day. 
     I'm finding that little line about "courage to change the things I can (ME)" works really well - if I do something more than say it at the beginning and end of a meeting. 
     I and the world ain't perfect yet, there's a whole pile of more changes I need to make. Mainly in the realm of stupidity supression and ego erasure (mine). But at least now a tree doen't have to fall on me to make me realize that I've been chopping on the wrong side.
    And you all here have been a major league, important part of what has happend to me. I owe you - big time.

Nuff said,
Dennis

7 comments View Entry

     Been thinking again. Yep, in spite of what my betters tell me. 
     Durnig a  discussion period at our last mens roving stag meeting a newcomer went off on a bit of a tirade about his reasons to drink and not drink (more to than not) and ended it as to how anybody that says they have 10-20-30 years of sobriety is lying, as they probably had a few over the years and just didn't want to tell.
     The man after him - whom I have the honor of calling a friend and just happens to have 20+ years of serious honest sobriety looked at  him and said "Why don't you just go out and get drunk and get it over with - since you're setting yourself up for it anyway. Nor does it matter to me if you believe me or not.". Needless to say the focus of the meeting shifted and said newcomers comments became the object of some serious commentary and reflection.
     It got me to thinking afterward about the "Rigorous Honesty" part of the program and the converse derivation - "Implicit Trust". When I first came in out of the cold, I too, found it difficult to believe that people actually abstained from drinking for more that say - 20 minutes. Much less 20 years.
     One of the things I as a newcomer had to get a grip on in this program is that the majority of people in it are deadly serious about the "sober" part. 
     That is where we have to develop the "faith" that when somone says they have that longevity in recovery - we can trust without question the veracity of that statement. We then learn to see how to recognize the ones who "walk the walk". Those are the ones we tie ourselves to - ones we implicitly trust. Knowing they will not make false claims and will offer honest guidance to the best of their abilities.
     Something that I among many had difficulty in accepting before  - I now accept without question! Truly amazing, isn't it.
     The newcomer callled the next day to make amends for his actions at the meeting. I told him I was not offended, was glad he didn't go out and drink and to keep coming back. Because you see, I care very much about him, would like to see him succeed in sobriety, and didn't take any offense because I don't care if he believes me or not - what he thinks about me is not any of my business.

Nuff said - and you all have a wonderful weekend,
Dennis

2 comments View Entry

     I am responsible - something I've been thinking on. Now, most times thinking about things isn't a good thing for me - it gets me in all kinds of trouble. But since I started thinking about this, it's been bugging me to no end.

     The original words were written by Al S. in 1965: "I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible." A serious statement of commitment.

     But what does it mean to me?

     The telling of things that I have done or have happened to me as a result of my own insanity for others to read and possibly avoid, I am able to again release that singular moment of insanity, guilt and shame.

     By relating things I have done to maintain my physical or improve my emotional sobriety, I possibly give others an edge on theirs. I also reinforce the positive things I do.

     By giving aid and comfort to one who is hurting - be it self inflicted or otherwise, I thus distance myself even further from the automaton that felt nothing for anyone. I am able to make myself more human.

     By responding with what little I can to the innocents whom have been harmed by this insanity of addiction, I am able to possibly give them some understanding and relief. In addition I make a small step in the amends to those I have harmed that I can not make a direct amend to.

      All this being said, there is a common thread in it that is worth passing on: It often does me as much good as the person I am responding to offer up my experience, strength and hope. Albeit what I say is not often a quote from the BB or other reference, but only the musings of a person young in sobriety.

     I have heard others say - I only have 1 month, 6 months, 2 years - what can I offer? The story of your struggles and victories speaks loud and clear to one crying out for help. What you say or affirm may be the one thing that they need.

     Today I am sober and alive by the Grace of God, the people in my life and the steps I work. Those people gave me the start on this using their personal experience, strength and hope. Many people here have helped me grow through theirs. The very least I can do is provide the same for others.

     "I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible." A serious statement of commitment.

But what does it mean to you?

Dennis

2 comments View Entry