Ok, I am sorted now.  Needs met and back on track.  Had some good quality time with my sponsor too which cleared the air a bit and helped him to see where I was. 

My presentation went well and was a good focus for the group in that it made some people think about thier own relationships with God as higher power.  I was pleased about that.  I'm just discovering how much joy there is in serving the group.

Had a good night out on Friday with my husband and two sons at the youngest ones girlfriend's 18th birthday party.  The resulting hangover (doesn't take much to produce one at my age) has made me question somewhat the way I use alcohol (all you alcoholics now going 'aha') and why I need it to lower my inhibitions enough to enjoy myself. 

I have also committed myself to a bit of an exile and promised my husband I would skip the meeting this week to spend some time with him. Have mixed feeling about that one, but sometimes recovery is as much of an escape from the realities of my life and intimacy with my family as acting out is.  How I will feel about that come Thursday night, we will see.

And I still have not got around to any step 4 work, it will come. Taking that a day at a time.  Cara

Tags: Happy

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I have been a bit all over the place this week.  Had a big attack of paranoia at the end of last week and thought some friends were plotting against me.  I was wrong.  Felt terrible shame over that one but traced it back and it is high time I talked to one of them and got things sorted out.  It's my own fault I just left it too long to express my needs in that relationship.  I don't really find relationships that easy but I am learning.  I usually don't get anywhere near the level of intimacy I have in this one so I have to say it is a bit outside the box. But sometimes scary.

I'm going to be giving a joint step 2/3 presentation this week.  A little unconventional but I went quite quickly through them and other stuff got in the way.  Actually I like the idea because for me the two steps overlapped a lot.  The more I found out about my Higher Power I just naturally trusted Him more to turn my life over.  Apparently once I have done this I can sponsor. If my prayers are answered and another woman walks into the meeting I'm so ready.

This also means I am on step 4 on Friday. Help!  Watch this space.

Tags: Reflective

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Some years ago there was a Bible verse that kept bugging me.  It turned up all over and I suppose I thought it was a nice verse but I could never get it to mean anything to me.

"In returning, and rest you shall be saved;
   in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." Isaiah 30;15

That was the version I had at the time, I even made a picture out of it which ended up being hung in the downstairs loo.

The other day I saw it, I hadn't even noticed it for so long and I read the verse in The Message which is what I am reading now.

"Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
   and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
   in complete dependence on me—
The very thing
   you've been unwilling to do.

Ohhh, that's what it meant. It was all about recovery.

Tags: Serene

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I suppose I could add sad and lonely to that.  I'm sitting all alone at my computer and I am sure I could read all the messages you guys have sent me if I hadn't accidently deleted them earlier today at work.  I should be doing something useful (like all the ironing I have to do) but I'm at that stage where I just cannot be bothered.  I want to connect and it's only a matter of time before I start to sexualise that.  This is the time I should pick up the phone but right now there is nobody I can ring.

I have been trying to 12th step someone this week.  I can see why it is sensible to wait till you get there, it's not easy.  He is reluctant to commit to attending meetings and still a little in denial about his addiction, I feel I want to do it for him but I know that is not right.  All I can do is encourage and share my own experience.  He has to be willing to enter recovery, I know I might just be the first straw, not the last one.  Well I can pray.

Guess the holiday is well and truly over.

Tags: Bored

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I know you probably didn't notice I had gone but I have been on holiday and had to fly for the first time (exhillarating) and go to somewhere with a different language (fascinating) and lots of sunshine and beautiful blue sea (captivating) and get waited on hand and foot in a hotel (addictive).  So I have done very little except lie around in the sun and consider how lucky I am for the last week.  Now I am back and guess what it is raining in the UK (again).

Whenever I feel gratitude to God and my husband and life in general it always seems to open up that huge seam of guilt that I have within me.  If I have it all why am I looking for more?  Why do those other relationships 'out there' tempt me so much?  It doesn't make sense.

But I know that as I move back into my life again and the pressure gets up I will be back into the fantasies which begin the whole process.  It seems slow going and of course it is not easy to fight against myself because sometimes I don't want to change.  I know the answer is to continue with the programme which has already brought me so much.  Contact with people who understand, a renewed relationship and understanding of God my Higher Power.

I am deeply grateful.       

Tags: Happy

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I have been going to an SAA meeting about 30 miles from my home for six months or so now.  At first I felt so awkward because I was the only woman in the group. And the meetings themselves felt awkward too.  I really struggled and the only person I really connected with was the guy who I asked to sponsor me (don't worry I could never be his type) but even that relationship was a bit fraught sometimes because he could well be my type and the way my addiction is I would have strong feelings for any man who was nice to me. But hey, you don't make omelettes without breaking eggs and I guess my HP realised that if I was going to sort out my difficulties with relationships with men then He would just plonk me in a gang of them.  Tonight I made a special effort to get there in order to support the only other woman who turns up now and again.  She didn't show up but for the first time I really enjoyed the meeting.  We shared some personal stuff as usual but there was an awful lot of support there too.  I am really glad to have reached this point.  It does work.

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Well thanks to all who got in contact, good to know you all.  It does work.  Still finding my way around here.  Had a bit of a rough week this week which meant me getting lost in fantasy for a bit and then having to cope with coming down which makes me feel sad.  Just annoying middle circle behaviour.  Just have to figure why?  There is always a good reason.  My sponsor is not well at all, could have been a bit of insecurity connected to that.  I think I'm getting through that now.

Had a bit of a message from my HP today.  I was showing a bit of reluctance about going on to Step Four - not looking forward to that fearless moral inventory.  I think He wants me to move on.  Gotta have a holiday first and wait for my sponsor to get better but then... He's the boss.

Tags: Serene

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I wonder if this Myspace thing works.  Dunno but at the moment I will do anything to contact other people for mutual support.  I know you are all out there somewhere. Right now I am wallowing around in Step three trying to look for evidence that my HP is looking out for me contrary to appearances and coming up, every day it seems, with stuff I have not yet handed over and sometimes am not sure I want to hand over - yet. It's going to be a long job. Oh well here's to Serenity. Cara

Tags: Reflective

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