The end of a couple of difficult weeks, I attended my collegue's funeral today.  It didn't help but I am glad she is now 'put to rest' and I can move on from that particular loss.

All the emotion of course triggered some very addictive thoughts and temptations which I almost gave in to and in the midst of that I deceived myself into thinking I was OK on my own and didn't need to ring my sponsor because he himself might be a temptation too.

This of course was utter rubbish and it would not have hurt me to ring him.  I agreed to ring him after the funeral.  I actually caught him in a bit of a sad mood too but after we had both talked and discussed a few things and made each other laugh and explained some stuff we both felt a lot better. For a start we both felt more cheerful, and we both got a much more healthy perspective on our problems and we both felt understood and we were amazed at how much our separate ideas and thoughts had helped one another (yes we have the same God) and we learned more about each other and our relationship and we agreed that we should meet up and discuss something soon.

So the moral to this?  Make that call. Cara

Tags: Serene

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Well I was being good.  But it has been a rough week and it was only a case of who would I start fantasising about first.  It turned out to be an internet pal, someone I knew years ago.  I just got this idea in my head about meeting up with him again and my imagination ran with it.  I was very close to sending him a message too.  In fact I'm not sure I still won't although I am trying to be sensible.  Now I have the adrenaline hangover to deal with and it serves me right really.

It is bad when it gets you like that, when doing the wrong thing seems the only thing possible and you can't see it any other way.  What else can I say?  I'm not quite as recovered as I thought I was.  Maybe this weekend I won't be too proud to ring my sponsor.  Thinking back the wrong thinking patterns started a week ago.  I was a bit crazy then too.  I just didn't realise.  Oh dear.  I just got that feeling you get when you wake up the next morning and remember what you did at the party.  Thank God I didn't ruin what is a perfectly good friendship.  And thank God I didn't actually go below my bottom line even if I wanted to. Cara

Tags: Disappointed

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It has been a bit of a week, right in the middle of it my new team leader got killed crosing the road.  She was in her mid 50's with plenty of life left in her and was a very popular person.  We were all trying to establish a new section at work and still trying to establish the perameters of the job we would be doing.  Everything was still very up in the air with plenty of decisions to be made and she was coping admirably with that but it was stressful for all of us.  It is a shame that she won't see that come to fruition and I am concerned that the person who is replacing her will not find it easy to step into her shoes.

Last week I was just numb but I am almost expecting my addiction to take advantage of the situation.  So far all that has turned up is a tendency to worry and allow things to get on top of me.  I have realised and I am turning those worries and concerns over to God and He is upholding me but I do feel a little under par.

As far as my progress through the steps is concerned I think I am reaching the limit on character defects for my step four inventory.  Not that I think that there are no others, rather I just want to stop and say that is it, enough already!

I might try to think of a few more attributes to balance it out but to do that I might have to ask some other people, with examples because I know my sponsor won't let me get away with anything I cannot justify.  Hmmm.

Tags: Reflective

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I have just come back from a great weekend away with my husband.  Maybe some people would consider me lucky and I certainly enjoyed it but for a lot of the time I was fantasising about other men and I even got a thing about one of the entertainers to the point where I got really frustrated that I couldn't get him 'alone'.  What am I like?

It is ok saying that the behaviours that matter and are featured in my inner circle have gone from my life but how can I change what is going on inside my head?  This does not hurt others, not directly but I know and it hurts me.

Of course I don't want to hurt my husband and family, but in a very real way this recovery has to be 'for me' and not for others.  If I make fantasy out of bounds I am setting myself up to fail. 

The only way I can blot it out is to overwork but that falls apart when I get exhausted.  Any encouragement from friends will be helpful here and I am going to post this on the forum too to see what others do.  Thanks all Cara 

Tags: Disappointed

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Well this week I have had some unexpected spare time as I have been mildly ill with a cold.  I'm ill enough so I have to stay at home but I am not so bad that I have to stay in bed, and I don't have the energy to do anything strenuous so no housework (well thats my excuse) so what do I do?

I have done a lot of this and caught up with some friends, and I have watched all three of my extended Lord of the Rings DVDs.  I've been a Ringie for some years and I just love the movies so that was a real treat. And I rang my sponsor.

He has been off work too with time on his hands and has had some real temptations towards the internet.  It struck me that for people with some kinds of addiction free time can be a real danger.  At the time that I rang he had been talking to someone online and then talked to me on the phone and was about to go into an online meeting so I was struck by what a help that is, just to have contact with other addicts. 

So I am vastly appreciative of all my friends here and on other sites.  We need to support each other and if the internet can bring us together across half of the world that is one in the eye for the other side who would use it to enslave us. Cara

Tags: Happy

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There has been a strange feeling creeping up on me this week, at first I couldn't quite identify it but eventually after a couple of days of feeling puzzled about it I had to conclude that it felt like contentment.

I can't remember the last time I felt contented, there was always something not quite right in my life and the grass looked a lot greener over the other side of any fence.  It also seems a strange time to experience this when I am totally stressed out and far too busy, but even so there seems to be a kind of order there which is totally outside my understanding.  I think it must be the 'peace that passes all understanding'.

I think it is a lot to do with learning to put my concerns into God's hands but it is also to do with losing my expectations.  I am learning to accept life as it is and to stop trying to make it what I think it should be.  I think I even had expectations of recovery and got disappointed when it didn't work out the way that seemed right to me. 

Well that is how I feel right now - who knows how I will feel next week - no expectations.  Cara

Tags: Serene

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Life at the moment, it seems when it is good it is very good, but when it is bad it is horrid.  For a while and at least for the next two weeks I am under pressure.  That is not a good place for me. I know my addiction is likely to flare up at just the wrong moment and lead me off down a blind alley.  Some days at work I know that only half of my brain is attending and the other half is fantasizing.  At least I don't take the fantasies seriously these days and just accept and let them go.  I had a bit of a wobbly week not so long ago when even being in a meeting with a group of men was triggering, but these things do pass.

I am trying to be gentle with myself though, in between the mad rushing.  One good side effect of all this stress is that my step four inventory is coming along rather nicely, no shortage of character defects showing.  And I am leaning heavily on my Higher Power which is how it should be.

One thing to celebrate is the completion of a year since I last had sex with anyone but my husband.  I count my sobriety date as the day that relationship ended which was later but hey, I survived the year without comitting adultery. Cara

Tags: Serene

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What is it about being a sex addict? I have just realised that my emotions never seem to quite match what is going on in my life.  As far as things go it has been a good weekend.  Spent the day with a man on business on Friday and got quite pally without even thinking about him sexually.  That's a first for me.  Went out to see a band with my husband on Saturday and enjoyed some rock nostalgia which was really good except that I spent the whole night in a compulsive sex fantasy.  Church on Sunday was inspirational but the adrenaline hangover made me feel grotty all day and not able to appreciate properly our team winning a pub quiz.

It is a holiday weekend here in the UK so I am off work until Wednesday.  I should feel great but all I feel is a bit empty, like something is missing.  It is a feeling I have had all my life.  Does anyone else identify with that?

I know I shouldn't beat myself up, I am what I am, and I know I am free from acting out below my bottom line but life can be a bit of a mixed bag sometimes.  Now all I have to do is figure out what happened on Saturday night and why.

Cara

Tags: Reflective

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Well, panic over now and I have settled down again.  Did some serious thinking and asked my church leader to release me from responsibility for a season so's I can get my head back together.  Had to fight with myself over that but felt so much relief and peace once it was done that it must have been the right decision.

Also realised how cockeyed my thinking has been re men and their reactions to me.  I am surrounded by men both in my church and my SAA group who are perfect gentlemen and treat me with the utmost respect, regular good guys who I love and respect too.  But I don't take that kind of behaviour as the compliment that it is.  I still think if a man doesn't come on to me at all then he is saying that I am undesirable.  Some will flirt a bit and I feel better about that but it is the ones that seem completely unaffected by me that drive me nuts.  I am convinced that really they don't like me and it is hard to shift that instinct.

How mad is that?  Real 'stinkin thinkin' So how do I tell if they like me as a person or not?  And how do I distinguish between the wrong kind of liking and the right kind? 

I know - how did I get this far and not understand such a basic thing?  But I have been running away from real relationships with men for a long time.  I really need a beginners course. Any ideas?

Cara

Tags: Serene

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