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Viewing 28 - 36 out of 62 Blogs.
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London is eighty miles from my hometown and there is a good rail link, the fast train takes perhaps an hour and it beats getting into London by car and paying congestion charges. However when there is a derailed freight train half way it takes three and a half hours. We arrived at the recovery day just in time for the break away meetings. I was secretary for the women's meeting, there was just three of us, another woman had arrived earlier but had left because I wasn't there, I still don't know who that was. My husband went into the partners meeting with all the female partners, good job he doesn't mind being with a group of women. It's not something he is likely to do regularly though especially as that means a trip to London.
Last year there were a lot more women and I had hoped to make some connections this year, that was a real disappointment. I made an impassioned plea about encouraging women later in the day but i'm not sure how that works out in practice or if any of the men really care about that.
Then there was the five hour journey back home. My husband found the day helpful, I found it depressing. So I guess I just give up on support from my own sex unless it is of the cyber variety. It just underlines how truly grateful I am for sites like this.
Tags: Recoverydisappointment
Hey, I have only been away a week and the format has changed. Not that I don't appreciate change, it just surprised me. This week has surprised me too because it has not turned out at all the way I planned it either. I had almost a week off but I started last weekend and cleaned the house top to bottom, this does not happen often, however it left me feeling a little tired to begin the week. I also organised all the piles of paperwork littering the house into box files so we'd know where everything was. Something I have dearly wanted to do for ages.
Monday - Off work- Planned to clear out the spare room cupboards of all the junk we have not looked at for years. Partly achieved this but had to go do some shopping and visit my mother-in-law who had heard that I was off 'all week' and hadn't seen me for a while. Result at least I got to sit down and drink tea for a while even if the conversation dwelt mainly on carpets and the antics of the neighbours. Monday night had a church meeting. Tuesday was officially at work but had to travel to London for a meeting, almost died of boredom. Spent the evening helping my son to create his photographic portfolio. Sloped off to the bedroom feeling tired and resentful about my 'holiday'. Prayed and let go of all that resentment but still felt empty, found myself fantasising but interestingly intervened because I realised that I would not really enjoy the experience I was fantasising about. Woke up in the night with the house shaking, a very rare earth tremor.
Wednesday - the best day although it started later than I thought because I flattened the battery on my car and had to call for help. Spent the day with my sponsor painting his kitchen up because he wants to sell his house. Had a great time as I love painting and the company was good and got out into the sun at lunch (although it was cold). Drove home and attended my church small group meeting which was good. Thursday. Realised this morning that the central heating boiler had packed up, also relaised that the recently fitted tank had an immersion heater that also didn't work. Result, no hot water for the next 24 hours. Took my son to his first university interview. Sat around waiting for two hours. Result good he got the place dependent on his course results this year. One down two or three to go. Had tea and went out immediately for another 30 mile drive to my meeting. Had a good meeting and came home. Slept well. Friday - Got up early feeling grubby and let the central heating engineer in. While waiting for the water to heat up I decided to do a job I had wanted to do all week which was to finish off my step six/seven and ask my Higher Power to finaly remove all those defects of character that I still had not got around to. Had a really good time doing that and had a real sense of being freed and filled with love as I did it. Had a shower- Bliss. Ran my son up to town, went to the bank to transfer money for my other son who is currently a starving student, picked up the resident son and brought him back, did our weekly shop, had a strange experience as our car radio refused to turn off even with the ignition off. Sorted that with the help of a neighbour. Wrote this blog. Tomorrow - I set off early with my husband to catch the train up to London again for the SAA UK Recovery day. I don't know what my husband is going to make of it all and it will be the first time that he and my sponsor have met. Maybe I am glad that Sunday is Mothers Day in the UK. Although traditionally it hasn't been a good day in our household. We have visitors this year, a friend of my sons and his mother and my mother. In theory the two boys are cooking dinner. I may have to be present in an advisory capacity. It has been one of the most exasperating but fulfilling weeks of my life. What was I planning? A spring clean and a bit of a rest. Next week I am back to work for three days and have another two off so what am I planning? I have some furniture arriving but the way my life is at the moment who knows! 
Tags: Holiday Busy Strange
Well the time has come, I can't sit around and moan about all the things that are wrong in my life any more. It is high time I began to engage with those problems and see how behaving differently might affect them. Like asking for what I want, like being honest when I don't like something instead of putting up and shutting up. And that is ok, I think I could do that, if I knew what it was I wanted for a start. Years of going along with everyone else have not given me a good grounding in knowing what it is I want. It's not selfish to ask for what you want, there will be discussion and you might have to accept you won't get it but at least everyone knows.
I also have a whole shedload of outmoded ideals that have not changed in decades because they were all impossible anyway. Like the perfect relationship I never had which has just got in the way of making a really good one out of what I had. I feel a real good spring clean coming on, in my house and in the house of my soul. Cara
Tags: Reflective
Hey everyone, I managed to get back here at last. Recovery continues, I think that it is life that I find hard. I have been through a bit of a critical phase, for a while I wanted to change everything in my life including me and the way I do relationships. But none of it changed or seemed possible to change, I got more and more dissatisfied. Shouldn't recovery be changing my life more, shouldn't I be seeing some improvement by now and being able to solve my problems. I had imagined the life I would live when I recovered, I wasn't getting there. I got very stressed and slightly depressed. I was tempted to drop the responsibilities I found hard just to make something change. Then last weekend, feeling tired and jaded I thought it was time I seriously prayed. I remembered the serenity prayer. 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change' So I did, some of it was easy, a relief to let go and stop struggling but some of it was painful because I had to admit that these were not my problems and they really were things I could not change. But I accepted all my life the way it was. And I was astonished at the miracle of peace which filled me. There may be an occasion in the near future when I have to have the courage to change something but today I need to accept what God has placed in my hands and appreciate that.
I hope that change and growth will come but I know it will come in God's time. Meanwhile I have some work to do. Cara
Tags: Serene
Last friday I passed my sobriety date for the first time. I didn't hear any fanfares, didn't really have time to consider it much but it seems that it was important to me. In SAA we set our own standards for sobriety by defining the activities which are healthy for us, slightly less healthy but still admissible and those which are absolutely not. My absolutely nots are; - Sexual activity or sex-based relationship with anyone other than my husband.
- Deliberately continuing an obsession once I realise what it is.
- Serious flirting which would be seen by someone else to be an invitation to sexual activity.
Those are the behaviours that I have had a years sobriety from. My sobriety date was set on the day I ended a relationship which had been sexual but had not been operative for some time. It still took me some weeks to get up the courage to sever the emotional connection and tell him it was over. But I did. And since then I have been regularly to meetings, worked six and a half steps and surprisingly it has been the third of those behaviours which has been the hardest to avoid. I have nearly gone there a couple of times but I am glad to say managed to avoid going too far. I had a temporary sponsor at this time last year who is a permanent sponsor now because I just have not found anyone better to replace him. At this time last year I was particularly full of fear about having to be so candid about sex with so many men. I looked forward eagerly to being able to welcome other women into my group but sadly those who have come along have not stayed as I have. However somewhere along the line I began to get genuinely fond of these guys. And I have ended up sponsoring one, on a temporary basis but it seems to be going to plan. Who's plan? Well that was the biggest discovery of the year that the God I had been desperately struggling to worship for some time had a plan for my life which apparently included recovery and that I could trust Him completely. I'm still working on that one but it is getting better. I'm hoping that the next year can bring as many changes as last year did. I know that there are a lot of things still to tackle. In fact more than I thought a year ago because my acting out behaviours were blinding me to the truth about my life. I am thankful for this year and mostly for the interesting people that I have met and got to know and who have collectively helped me more than they could possibly know. My biggest regret is that I cannot share more widely with people the riches of recovery but maybe that might come in time. What I do now accept is that somewhere along the line recovery has become my life and my mission and I get the feeling that might be the case for some time to come. It might mean that my life is going to change a bit but that might not be a bad thing either and I am looking forward to it. Cara
Tags: Reflective
Well I am back having survived Christmas, an accidently deleted program file on the computer and a broken sink (don't ask). And now we are racing headlong toward 2008 and I seem to be recognising in myself more and more the reactions that stem from my character defects. I see the way they colour my life. While I was off line I have to say I missed you all even if that fact did give me time to organise Christmas in my household and even find time to get on my own and relax. So what will next year bring? A new place of work for my husband and a new way of getting to work for me, a court case for my sponsee, my first year of sobriety, a new member of my family as we 'adopt' a friend of my son's. It is already lining up to be a challenge. But whatever it brings I hope it brings serenity - to all of us. Happy New Year Everybody. Cara 
Tags: Serene
I want to apologise to all my friends on this site for not being around so much lately. Some of you have had some private conversations with me but some others have probably wondered if I have droped off the planet. Thanks to those who keep sending me comments, it is nice to know I am still included. So what is my excuse? Just life I am afraid. This is a busy time of year and I am finding that although I am free of a lot of my addictive behaviours that tends to expose the emotional problems I was hiding from in my addiction. doing those things muffled the voice of my emotions and now I have them at full volume. Sometimes I find that hard to cope with and I get very tired. Rather than sitting down at the computer at those times it is more relaxing to listen to music or read or watch TV or occasionally to get alone to pray. I am also trying to give something back to other members of my group. We have a few newcomers at the moment who are going through some trying times. So I hope you all understand this. I will try to keep up with you all if I can, just don't expext any miracles and I hope you are all progressing well in your recovery. The holidays are coming. Hopefully I can catch up with you all then. Cara
Tags: Tired
I guess it is time I got back to this. It seems that suddenly after only a year in recovery I am one of the experienced ones around here. We have had a lot of newcomers recently in our SA group who have attended for a while and then dropped out. Those of us who have been around for a while have done all we can to help but it just seems that people get to a certain point then they disappear. Is it because they find recovery too difficult, or is there something missing? I suppose as with everything else this is something I need to leave in God's hands, after all He is looking after them and it may be that they will return to recovery later when they are ready to. We are all part of a team really and the little bit we do may be the part that paves the way for others. I might paraphrase 1 Corinthians 3:5-7 What, after all, is Cara? And what is (add your own name here)? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, (someone else) watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. This week I have been strangely asexual, sadly this is part of my addiction and is just as unhealthy as being oversexed. It is as though my body and mind say 'enough already' and shut down on it altogether to give me a break. Problem is, the longer this goes on the greater will be the swing back. I had a strange experience last night. This time of year in the UK we have bonfire parties to celebrate the fact that Guy Fawkes did not blow the Houses of Parliament up on 5 November 1605. A plot that was hatched fairly near to where I live actually. I was at one last night and the stick from one of the rockets came down and hit me in the mouth with some force. So I have a badly split and swollen lip. It could have been worse, it might have got me in the eye or it might have been one of the children present who got hurt. As it was I had to sit out the party inside with a bag of frozen peas and a glass of Southern Comfort (medicinal- for the shock!).
Say what you like about Health and Safety with fireworks, there is no accounting for life. These things happen, right out of the blue and you just don't know what is coming next. More reason to do good in this life while we still have it? More reason to get recovery sorted so we can participate in life while we have it? More reason to trust God to guide us because only He knows the future? Amen to that.
Tags: Comfortable
It keeps coming up, I try to ignore it but then I have been trying to escape from this for 25 years. Sooner or later I am going to have to face the problems in my marriage. And it is not even that it has 'Gone' wrong, I do believe it has been wrong since the first day or even before that so it is not a matter of returning to what I had. It is a case of wondering if I can create something out of the mess of lies and deception and misunderstanding that I have helped create and avoided curing. it seems too big a mountain to climb at the moment but the more I recover and lose my old 'coping stategies' of escapist fantasy and outside relationships the more it becomes clear tht I cannot continue as I have. Well HP what are WE going to do about it? Cara
Tags: Reflective
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