Well it seems my aborted and forbidden relationship is not over yet.  When he went off on holiday with his family I assumed that good sense would prevail and that when he returned he would leave me alone.  He has only been back a day and I got a text.  Now most women would find that downright creepy but you know there is still a part of me that wants to play and takes this attention as the besy compliment in the world.
The text got deleted, I felt very uncharitable doing it because it was just a request to pass on his apologies for not making the meeting this week but I know that is how it starts and I really don't want to hear how he has been thinking of me all the time he was away.
So instead of texting him I texed my sponsor who told me how good I was for sticking to my boundaries.
I guess I'd hoped the whole thing had blown over.  Just gotta stick to my guns.  I said I would be his friend and helper ONLY AT MEETINGS and not outside of that.  Maybe after today  he will get the message.  I hope so because I was left with a sense of loss today, yeah I know the only thing I am going to lose here is my sanity and my sobriety.  Well nobody said it was easy.
I'm looking forward to the meeting this week, because I need it and he won't be there.  I have another months grace while he is working too far away to make the journey.  My Higher Power knows what I need.  And just to show I care I will ask some of the other guys to give him a ring as he can't get to meetings.  He'd be far better off texting or ringing them for support.  Maybe I can divert the texts.  That would shock him. 
I guess I am not the first to have this problem or the last. Cara

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I feel much better now.  Thanks to everyone who left supportive messages, I really appreciate that.
I have a new perspective now on my triggers and my addiction.
It was good in a way to be able to begin again.  I had a lot of sobriety behind me but a lot of it did not include the very heart of my addiction, all of my temptations have begun in fantasy and I did not feel sober when I was still indulging in that.
And I had been around some very supportive addicted people, I had forgotten how dangerous we can be even to one another.
I have realised the importance of a set of healthy boundaries and I have learned that under no circumstance must I break those.
And I am deeply grateful for the firmness of my sponsor and to all who supported me, it could have been much worse.
I have come a long way because I actually put the brakes on, I heard the alarm bells and I wasn't taken in by the lies.  I knew what I was doing felt wrong and in the end what pulled me in was compassion and a misguided desire to help.  That's not so bad but it needs watching in future.
And the real miracle is that I have learned to reach out, I am so pleased about that.  Thank you God, for all the changes you have made in me through my recovery. Cara 

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Take a look at my profile and the calendar, yes I slipped.
I slipped because I failed to set boundaries, when you tell someone not to contact you and you answer the text that is flaky.
I slipped because I was arrogant enough to think I could carry the recovery of another person, I was helping him, he was triggering me.
I slipped because I didn't get help when I needed it.
I slipped because I broke the HALT rule and was silly enough to use alcohol to blot out anger and temptation.
I spent a whole evening fantasising about the person I  have been trying to stay away from for two weeks and I carried that on during sex with my husband.
When I did that I ended 18 months and 28 days of sobriety and 3 months 14 days of not fantasising.
And as far as I know he got off scott free.
If anyone can think of a slogan to top this off with I'd be grateful.
A very remorseful and somewhat deflated. Cara

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Well, who would have guessed.  Yes I am learning. The first thing I learned lately is that being alone with a man, any man, can be triggering for me.  Ok, if it is a man I don't find attractive or who doesn't find me attractive then that level of triggering is reasonably low and I can deal with it but unfortunately in that situation I am watching for a response, mostly because I need to know to protect myself but also because deep down I want to get one.  And if I do then at that point the level of triggering hits the ceiling, I am totally powerless and all I can do is run before someone makes the first move.
So when I am alone with that very nice kind man that I get on with so well in a completely non sexual way and have so much in common with - should I have been surprised - and we both the get that reaction at pretty much the same time....

Luckily we both ran.  And now we are setting some boundaries but I had a week of totally uncontrollable lustful obsessive thoughts (and so did he) then the big come down, feeling like I had been kicked in the gut, crying, exhaustion, lack of concentration, anxiety.

But something else I learned.  I have an awesome Higher Power. I learned that when I am totally powerless He takes over and carries me. 

I also learned that I had made progress.  A year ago I would have escaped into my own secret world to lick this wound.  Now I ring people and ask them to pray, I talk it over, let it out, hand it over and that works so well.  And neither did I cut off from the other person involved, we have communicated (safely) tried to support one another, been caring in what we have said.  I have not lost a friend and brother over this.

And when I was given the chance to be alone in the car with another brother today, you are right I said politely 'No'.  I have learned.

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Well at least I know I still have a Higher Power.  I pray about release from my tedious job and lo and behold there is a recruitment campaign for the next grade up.  I really didnt want to leave, just do something more exciting.  I do still have to land this job though, I suppose that is up to me.  I made a good job of the application form, hope I get an interview.
Thats the thing with me, it is mostly my addiction which messed up my education and which means that I am underqualified for the job which would suit my level of intelligence.  So I end up in boring repetitive jobs which don't tax my brain and my addictive thinking goes wild.  I hope this will be a chance to break free of that cycle.
Maybe it is a side effect of step 8 but I want to start putting my life right.  To do something about it instead of running into fantasy and sexual conquest to run away from the bits I don't like.  I have wondered if it is a bit too late.  I should have done this twenty years ago.  By the time I get it sorted there will be no time left to enjoy it.
I know 'Change the things I can, accept the things I can't' 'One day at a time' 'Progress not Perfection.' and oodles of Gratitude. Amen Cara.

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Well it didn't take long did it.  If I wanted a graphic presentation entitled 'Things that trigger my addiction' I couldn't have done better than this week.
Last week I was on holiday, I relaxed, I didn't do anything I didn't want to do.  I hung out with some friends, spent time with my sponsor, shopped and generally chilled. Followed that with a fun weekend where I got to be the centre of everyones attention because of my big birthday.  There wasn't much sign of my addiction during that week. And then I went back to my boring job my youngest son left home temporarily.  And surprise surprise back came the problems.  Stress does it every time. My thinking is completely wrong and I cannot get a particular man off my mind.  Well all I can do is keep working the program, keep praying and turning it over, keep using the tools, keep finding new ways to fulfil my needs healthily.  This too will pass. Lets hope.

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Well it has been quite a week. On Monday my sponsee disappeared off to prison for at least two years and maybe up to four. It seems unreal and not for the first time I feel that I occupy another universe to the rest of humanity. Even my prayers and the prayers of a lot of others seemed to go unanswered. The thought occurred to me that even God had no sympathy for those who were addicted and wanted to lock them away to protect others. Those words are a lie and I only repeat them so that you will know they are a lie next time you hear them.

Yes, I know that God has a purpose for what happened, maybe my sponsee will encounter God only in prison, I can see why that would be necessary, he is very easily distracted. I'm just sorry I spent such a lot of time and effort praying against God's purposes. I knew it too, I hope I recognise that next time I encounter it.

So life seems a good bit emptier without my daily texts which was his preferred method of staying in touch. I will miss him and my hopes of leading him through the steps have been put on ice. Maybe he was put in prison before I could do any damage, no, that too has the feel of untruth.

Due to an event I had to go to for work I was not able to get to my usual meeting this week either but I now have ten days off, which I really need. The strain of that court case took it's toll and I need to rest and do things I enjoy for a while. So walking and chatting to people who care and pampering myself and probably retail therapy here I come, or I might just lie in the sun if it appears.

And at the end of the week there is my milestone birthday which I look forward to celebrating but feel I don't want to go past. I see it as the gateway to old age. Is there such a thing as an elderly sex addict? Can you imagine what people would think 'Addicted to sex - at her age, that's disgusting!'

Bit of a ramble that one, but it says how I feel so it's an honest ramble. Cara

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Well I hope everyone likes my new picture.  I was going to have a rainbow but I couldn't get it to change.  I wanted something more positive and I really love rainbows, I never get tired of them.  But the eagle thing is also something that comes up a lot.  I love any birds of prey, especially the little falcons and kestrels that I see so often hovering above fields here when I am driving.  For some reason they cheer me up and give me hope.  And that verse from Isaiah comes up again and again in my life, someone who does not know me at all prophesied it over me recently.

I think it is a good picture of the way I want to live, soaring high with the wind of the Spirit supporting me, resting completely by faith in the invisible hands of God.  It rarely feels that good and I am grounded far too often but now and again I feel the wind in my feathers, that picture gives me hope.

I feel those thermals lifting me right now, I have been a bit down recently but I think that was because I was relying too much on my own strength and not listening to God.  I learn - but slowly.

 My challenge at the moment is to learn to love, not only those who love me and those I find easy but the other more unlovely ones.  It's hard for me to love and trust those close to me, I have been separated so long from others, cut off in my own self-sufficiency and that is where I retreat when I feel threatened.  Loving is dangerous but exciting, can I do it? Can I even understand what love is? A step at a time perhaps. Cara

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Boy was I glad I didn't give in to temptation when my sponsor presented me with an 18 month medallion at the meeting this week. I had completely forgotten and he was about a month out too but it was a real boost. Had a joke with the others and said I would give my 12 month one to the first person to get there. I cannot take credit for this success, my higher power must. And I am just coming up to two months without fantasies. I still struggle. This week I was definitely looking with interest at a work colleague too, good job he's far too much of a gentleman to take the bait.

And I have to remind myself that at least now I know why I am doing these things and why I shouldn't do them and that they do not bring me a fraction of the joy that my new friendships do or caring for myself and others.

There is some talk about setting up a new meeting in another area close to where I live, carrying the message further north. It would be good to be a part of that. Cara

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