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Addiction, Recovery and Isolation..
Posted On 05/21/2008 06:35:07 by serenity_angel

Ive been thinking a lot about this for the last few days, and I have come to realise just how much I have isolated myself from the outside world over the last few years, but to a staggering degree over the last 6 months.

I used to be very outgoing, of course much of this was alcohol fuelled in a social capacity but I had a few friends and worked and socialised.

I was very proud of my looks and appearance, very groomed and well dressed, no matter how drunk I was I looked good .

I have suffered for a long number of years with clinical depression and of course this also contributes to my isolation but its only the last few days have I been struck on just how much of a recluse I have become at the tender age of just 35.

I dont have a single 'real' friend in the world.  I dont have any hobbies, I dont socialise, I dont go out, I dont do anything I enjoy.  I am self employed and work from home, and if it werent for grocery shopping and now AA meetings I wonder just when I would actually get dressed at all?!?

I am lucky to have a wonderful sister and parents who are more than supportive though thick and thin, so I am grateful to god for that.

But sometimes I am led to wonder, was it depression, was it booze or was it me that led my life to this?

Now, dont get me wrong I am not wallowing in self pity, far from it, I am finally taking a good look at life, peeking out of the covers if you will.

It can be all so overwhelming at times, it didnt really matter that I was so isolated when I drank as I hated myself anyway so to keep away from others only meant I wasnt judged or worse still, lectured.

But I dont want this anymore, and the question I now ask myself if how do I get out of it?  I have been like this for a long time......

The trouble is, I have lost my entire identity.  I dont know who I am anymore.  All the things that once defined me no longer do, and there are no new things there to re-define me.

I have read the quote many times that you dont 'discover' yourself but insteat 'create' yourself, and thats what I am going to have to do now, but its a hell of a daunting prospect .



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From: anoynmiss
05/21/2008 18:16:10

i too can relate. as i said before that when i got divorced i had to start all over new friends and all as i was isolated to only my x's friends and family during marriage. now i feel as though i am havign to start all over again as when i started all over after divorce i made "aquaintances
" at the bar that were not real friends. I have some that i think i will want in my new picture but very few and i am not sure that i can even call them true friends. so my plan is to try and meet some new people at a.a.! or to take a look at some of the friends i have not went around due to alcohol and try to hang out with them more again.  Some i am not friends with from the past are for a reason as they used me or slept with a husband or boyfriend or sotld from me i will continue to stay away from as that self seking thing i have i seen on someone elses blog... where i would get friends jsut so i didnt have to be alone even though they were BAD for me and not worthy of my friendship... but i think there are some that woudl be good for me to renew the friendship with that maybe we jsut drifted away while i was too busy drinkign and they were settled down. anyways... thats my plan for this lonley isolation i have.  eventualyl i haev to get back in the world not today but soon i think..... cause this beign home all the time is no good... i jsut have to choose my friends wisely as beign friends with people who screw me over thats not happening if i can help it. miss

From: godluvsall
05/21/2008 17:36:44

Excellant responses here. I can offer support and say it does get better. God will lead you.

From: LpRN13108
05/21/2008 16:29:46

I know exactly how you feel..before Jan 31, 2008 the only "friend" I had in my life was my bottle. Since joining AA I have made many new friends. I have found a group of people who understand me and the messed up way I think. I hope you consider me a real friend. A friend is someone you can trust and count on for support and encouragement..even though we are virtual friends..you can still count on me. I too had lost myself and everything that used to identify me..I enjoyed caring for people as a nurse,crafting,being involved in my kids activities,volunteering at church and being involved in a ladies prayer meeting...then I was a work from the computer nurse,alone all day,drinking all day,involved with nothing. Since I got sober I have begun to find some parts of the old me again..you will too if you ask your HP to show you how. Good Luck!
Love,Hugs,and Prayers
Laurie



find and share recovery images at anonymousspace.com

From: KeithB
05/21/2008 09:35:43

What a great blog, and I can relate to exactly how you feel. Remember a 12 step group is "a fellowship of men and women", and is a great place to go and create connections. You're a bright girl, and know that throwing a chemical depressant in your body will add to or create depression. Also, in the focus on appearance, any ego at play there? Yet that old conflict, ego at work without self esteem.

There are options for you. Join a 12 step group, get active, get a sponsor. That is freely given.

Coaching is an option available to you, and a far less expensive option that treatment.

Treatment centres are also very helpful to some

Inside of you is a lot of good! You can't help it, you were born with it. You need to get back to your source who loves you, find the good, dump the garbage, set goals and constantly move forward!

Feel free to contact me any time for a chat.

I do understand where your coming from.

From: StartingOver
05/21/2008 08:54:50
When I read this I wanted to jump through the screen and hug you!!! You have no idea how much I can relate to this. I was also very isolated to the point it was making me depressed. I am now sloooowly navigating myself back into the social world. It is hard because the real friends I have vs. drinking buddies is very small. I still find it hard to be in social situations so hard in fact I will have a breakdown before hand. it does get better though!!


From: lovelife
05/21/2008 07:09:58

Personally, I feel recovery is actually a discovery process.  In that you discover yourself...ie the real you , the you, you can become.  It is then you can create the life you always dreamt of, the life you never thought possible. You will have this opportunity to create it because you have come out of the fog of addiction.  Give yourself time right now to recover and discover.  The creation is a daily process which unfolds with the miracles sobriety brings!

peace

Lisa


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