Putting up with truth in a co-ed preschool.

     Twas a grand meeting and I want to thank all that were there for their sharing and allowing me to serve. As you can see by the subject line the topic had a tendency to veer - which is good, as I don't think that anyone got bored.
     The pre-meeting get-together took off down the road with a discussion on recovery styles, but one thing I noticed was a tendency for people to defend their version of recovery. This is all well and good, but like around the physical tables I am always reminded that what works for me may not be the do-all, end-all for the person next to me. So I listen and try to apply a bit of tolerance to what I hear.
     Pre-meeting rolled right into meeting. We made a hard right into honesty. Not the cash-register type, but the kind where you force a smile while you'd rather gag. Where you say nice things rather than what you are thinking.  That "social lubricant" type of honesty. Those things we have to do when interacting with others rather than isolate ourselves. I don't consider smiling at someone you don't care for and being polite dishonest - just mature. A good thing.
     This ended up making a u-turn back to the fact that many of us don't really know how to deal with people with the level of emotions we now have.  "The Truth? - you can't handle the Truth" (Jack Nicholson - A Few Good Men) is probably as good a one-liner description as any. There is a theory that many of us stop maturing emotionally when we start drinking or using.  If so, I just turned 18  - give or take. I believe it to be true. Sober I could say nothing right - always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Which usually hurt - physically and emotionally. Booze gave me the ability to fraternize with people. Until booze was all there was and I hated everyone. Now I am learning when the truth, a half truth or and outright evasive answer is called for. Along with all the other baggage that comes with unsedated feelings. 
     Then we parked onto a really fun topic (partial honesty here), the effect alcohol had on us with the opposite sex when we were dating, out for "fun" or in a bar scene. Sober back then I was about as much fun on a date as a case of the hives. That said, I was never "Joe Cool" with the fairer sex when I was drinking. I just barely managed to keep from making a complete ass out of myself (till I blacked out). All this made me become even more introverted. Never ending cycle. I am truly surprised I ever got the nerve ask my bride to marry me - and that she stuck around. That point is one where God protecting fools and little children came in.
    Bottom line for me on this is we are all in an emotional kindergarten. Most of the things we learn in recovery around the tables and here are related to sanely dealing with our emotions. Love (of self and others), Honesty (when, where and how to use it properly), Tolerance (of others), Fear (real and false), Anger (how to dissipate it as opposed to justifying it), ad nauseam...
     Again, I want to thank all for allowing me to see their experience, strength and hope. Tis a fitting cap to a wonderful Sunday.

YFIR,
Dennis

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Mistaking life on life's terms

honesty...oh the agony

I have not completely become comfortable with the paradox honesty creates in my mind.  It simplifies my life but my ego is quite vexed by it all. 

 Its like I need to be dishonest or I will melt away.  A little lie here, or falsness there and I am secure in this very scary world.  The dishonesty is really a grasping of my ego, which has taken quite a shake from things since I became sober, it wants to stay dominant.  I find the more of the onion I peel away, the more this ego is shed and I am left  feeling somewhat exposed. 

Now, the social honesty.  I agree that maturity comes to play when greeting those less savory in our social life.  But, as my newness comes to life, it has a bitter taste, that taste of being a grown up. I remember the first time I tried a cigarette and I yaked and gagged and thought..."my mouth will never be the same."

I want so badly to make eye contact with men, but I can not because of honesty.  I am afraid they will see the hunger and longing in my eyes.  That I am needy and I might need them or that I am lonely.  With women I am usually seeking a light, some kind of brightness, a kindred spirit and if not there I want to simply turn away to the next.  Never giving a chance to awkwardly meeting, discovering and exploring the realm of friendship.

I bunch all this into honesty as the more honest I am with myself the more self is revealed and stripped away and to this I quote...

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day,thou canst not than be, false to any man."~ William Shakespeare.

Thanks for letting me share

Peace

Lisa

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Life is good!

Well I guess we all agree to desagree, about Honesty, people skills, emotional maturity, and my relationship with the opposite sex...

The problem as ACA describe it:

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a
result of being brought up in alcoholic or other dysfunctional
households.
We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people,
especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people
pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the
same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.
We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing
that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to
fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over
developed sense of responsibility; we preferred to be concerned with
others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted
ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors,
letting others take the initiative.
We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to
do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be
abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships
because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or
dysfunctional parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other
dysfunction made us 'co-victims', those who take on the characteristics
of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to
keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a
result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to
love those we could rescue.
Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all
our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.
This is a description, not an indictment.

As children in an alcoholic home we are horrified by the images we have of
ourselves. What we see reflected in the distorted mirror of alcoholism are projected
images of hostility and hate. In a desperate effort to connect and belong, we force
ourselves to fit these distorted images and become false selves to keep from feeling
isolated and alone.
In a nut shell that's me!!!!

Thanks for letting me share.

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THE TRUEST HELP we can render to an afflicted man is not to take his burden from him, but to share our strength with him so that he can carry his own load.

honesty,

   Ever looked down into a pool of water, (-sun, shade, moonlight) sometimes the bottom is clear, sandy, rippled- etc. that would explain my experience with truth and honesty-I look into those round depthes, of my emotions and if there are clouds whipping through, I report it. (The trick for me is to sit with it and not leave)

  Nowadays I hear how unreliable our memory can be- so I give all of my reports on the past to HP, and ask for guidence and vigilence in the telling...

  'Somewhat exposed in a scary world ' ? yikes- Has anyone read Madeline L'Engles  series "Wrinkle in Time" ( admitedley a series for youngsters-but I adore it) I am Mrs Who, Mrs, Which on any given day- I show up and

wriggle an arm, leg, into the present, at a speed (that protects me from too much exposure)  'Tesseract' ( from the above story) is a good way to describe my departure if need be.

 ( Actually there are people who report that I am better, than I think/ say)

   Eye contact- better on somedays than others. I am working on smiles and laughter- again.

 Thanks for the post(s) !   Nia 

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Attitude of Gratitude

Honesty? Honestly, i have really bad gas!

Greetings to my brothers-and-sisters-in-arms of the web!

The above "subject" may be considered by some to be too much information [TMI], by others, a simple stating of the obvious, especially if you have the misfortune of being in my physical presence. One's perspective can change things.

Honesty is NOT something i came to recovery with! It's something i had to learn by doing ... first in the rooms of recovery, then in that gawdauful real world that i get to [as opposed to "have to"] deal with today.
Honesty is something that, at times, appears directly proportional to my perceived comfort level.
In a bar full of obviously armed red-n-whites [aka Hell's Angels], i am far less likely to be vocally honest about my almost violent dislike of exploitive, abusive, dope dealing anal sphincters, than, say, in my old apartment building, where i had physically attacked a meth intoxicated young male who'd made the serious mistake of threatening me while standing between me and the door ... a bad thing for him to do, yes, a bad thing for me to do, yes, but it made the point to the users in the neighborhood network that perhaps i'm not "the one" to be f**ked with.
In that situation, although a violent form of it, honesty served me well.

"TMI," or "a simple stating of the obvious?"

Another example: an egoistic, somewhat deluded 2-year-old in-duh-vidual shares for 10 minutes on his skills at manipulation and bullpooping the [weak minded] people around him, then starts taking my inventory toward the end of his spew. i love the pocket-sized AA books on those occassions ... it's far better for me to pull out the 12x12 and read a few minutes, or just get up and get a cup of coffee, than it is to get caught up in taking this person's opinions personally; remembering the oft repeated words "what you think of me is none of my business."

Another thought on honesty, and the other program principles as well; i have to practice them.
Anything i have to practice is probably something i don't want to do, or if i do want to do it, i'm probably not very good at it, or if i am good at it, i have to practice to stay good at it, or to excell even farther ... even "professional" football players practice.
This concept tells me practice isn't optional, practice is very much needed at all levels, and that just because i practice something doesn't mean i'm always going to get it right.

So where is the aNiMaL on honesty? Right where i'm supposed to be; making progress! If you really want to know what i think of something or someone, i just might tell you, just don't think i'm going to "kiss ass" doing it. i also note that my driver's licence still has a non-existant street address on it ... and it's been a few years since i've seen the 230 my weight is reported as.

Progress, not perfection!

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You've gotta be tough to be named after a Muppet