Ok guys, this is definitely a sex addiction question.  I am a heterosexual female.  How much support should I ask for or give to men.

This coming from someone who managed to stay sober for over 20 years of marriage by simply avoiding men.  I had rules, don't make eye contact, don't talk personal and don't give out my telephone number.

I now go to an SAA group, it has around 10 members and eight of them are male.  The other female member is, lets say not as supportive as I would like at the moment.  One of the men is my temporary sponsor, I have a very good relationship with him but increasingly I feel the need to reach out to others.  Without this I feel isolated, not a real member.

I feel that I am cutting out most of the group and that what I am continuing to do is certainly not in the spirit of the steps I have taken.  Continuing in my own tactics is certainly not admitting my powelessness, or accepting that these people are there because my higher power intended them to be, or surrendering to that and trusting God to keep me (and them) safe.

So can I hand out my telephone number? None of them live in the same area as me any way. It would only mean phone conversations. My sponsor is fairly positive about this but I suggested that he might feel uncomfortable if he had to go to meetings in the presence of his 'drug of choice'.

I like the group and it is the only one I can get to at the moment

I would welcome comment on this one

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I've been dealing with the same type of question for quite some time myself.

Let me give you a bit of background on me, so you can judge my "wisdom" for yourself -- I am a recovering sexaholic myself, though not as much about the live relationships, moreso a porn issue.  I dated around for years, and every girl I met was "the one"... but after a month or so, I realized that I wasn't where I needed to be, and I would find an excuse to break up with them...  I guess I'm just as much a relationship addict, when I really look at myself...  well, long story short, I've been engaged for about 3 years now to a wonderfully supportive, but slightly (and righteously) jealous woman, and she and I have had many spirited conversations on just this topic.

I've never cheated on my fiance, and God willling, never will.  However, she knows that I struggle with the memories of past relationships, and that I tend to get enamored with anyone who will spend time with me, male OR female (not sexually, just emotionally attached).

My outlook on your situation, filtered through the Steps and the Bible, is this... if I were suddenly without the stain of sin, I would look at every person with a pure and loving tilt.  When I'm in serious recovery mode, my mind is clear and I can be friends with anyone, man, woman, child, animal, or whatever.  If I am serious about working on my recovery, and sharing what I've learned on my travels, there are no thoughts about "could I hook up with this person?", and I am free to have a good relationship (friendship) with anyone.  However, if I relapse, or am having a bad day, I know that those relationships could turn ugly if they don't know what I'm going through.

I have a few female friends, as I've always been much more picky about same-sex friends...  but all of my female friends are VERY carefully chosen, and all of them know my story.  That way if I'm having a weak day and trying to flirt or get a charge out of them, they know to shoot me down and walk away.

Now, this may be either easier, or more difficult, striking up friendships with people who are weak in the same way we are.  I can only speak for myself, but I personally would have had a very hard time calling any of the women in my groups..  however, I'm on the opposite end from where you are -- men tend to be in the majority no matter what group you go to.

Having only two other females that you can call, and being uncomfortable with them, does put you in a bind, especially if you are new to recovery...  my suggestion to you, if I might be so bold, would be to pray about it.  And if you feel serious enough about your recovery to REALLY do things the right way, WITHOUT CHEATING YOURSELF, go and pray (or if you're not into prayer, meditate, whatever does it for you, but I pray) for wisdom on the situation.  If you feel that you really want to move forward into healing, go to your next meeting and force yourself to look each person there in the eyes.  We're all here for recovery on some level.  Start with just one person (not man, but person) and strike up a conversation, leading with your weakness.  Trust is a big part of my recovery, and I've had to share my story with a great many people just to realize that I'm not some over-sexed monster, I'm a normal man with a flaw.

God loves you, and in some distant, non-threatening way, so do I.  You'll find your answer.  :)

T 

Thanks Cutlip, What is coming across to me through this and other opinions from other places, friends on this site and others I have asked is that it would depend on the man in question.

I was right in that my previous blanket sex-discrimination was wrong

But thanks for reminding me that my addiction (quite similar to yours by the sound of it) might lead me to get far too fond of any man who was likely to save me, even in a small way.  This depends on, as you also say, what mood I am in and if I was ringing up for help/support it wouldn't be a sober mood.

However how this has worked with my sponsor is amazing, I can confess all sorts of things to him about the way I feel about him (and I have, he's not unattractive and very empathic) but because he is not interested in me it doesn't matter, water off a duck's back in fact.  This is good, it has made me realise that actually maybe I shouldn't take my sexual/emotional impulses too seriously because guess what, they pass.  So obviously sexual orientation is an important factor.

The other things that are important are sobriety, I can rule at least one out for that reason alone.  How long they have been in recovery.  Whether they are adequately sponsored and whether I feel safe with them.  Some are quite new and behind me in the steps but then I might be of some use to them.

And thanks for the 'hints' about prayer, yes that is the most important and something I only just twigged, none of them have been forthcoming with numbers to me either so maybe they don't feel safe with me.

I have enjoyed collecting everyones opinions on this one.  If anyone has a valid point that hasn't already come up don't think you can't add it on and if anyone else has this difficulty I hope this helps you too. Cara