Does anyone else ever feel like their relationship or marriage has boiled down to more of a relationship between a warden and a detainee?

  Let me explain whats going on...

 We live on a small army post in Germany but it still amazes me that my husband manages to be every where that I am. Even during the day when he is supposed to be at work.. It seems where ever I go during the day, boom there he is.

   The mini mart on our post is the only one, it is also the only gas station and also just so happens to be the only liqour store..If I stop at the mini mart for any reason he almost always suddenly appears in the store to ask me what I am doing there....Ummm...I am paying for gasoline..buying a treat for our kids, buying milk or a diet coke...Heaven forbid that I should have a basket on my arm because he has to "casually" scan the basket to check its contents..

  Everywhere I go he attempts to "insist" that I take at least one of the children with me..He especially ALWAYS suggests HIS daughter, my 10 year old step daughter whom I have dubbed "the informant". If I go to the store to buy a soda or anything, he will later take her off to the side and ask her what I bought at the store, if we saw anyone who, who I talked to and what was said between myself and that individual.

  I now refuse to take her with me when I go places.. Not because I am hiding anything but because I resent feeling like I am taking his "eyes and ears" with me every where I go..She is his little spy and I am sick of it..

  After I have returned from any time out of the house with out him or one of the kids present I have caught him in my purse checking receipts for alcohol purchases..

  I have been sitting inside my AA meetings and looked out the window to see him driving by and I have caught him trying to hide the car and spy on me as I come out of my meetings.

  He makes "suprise" visit by our house during the day. Any glass that I have he always takes a "sip" out of it. He is checking my glass for alcohol.

  The instant he comes through the door at the end of the day, or any time I havn't been in his direct suprverision. He insists on a kiss.. His own personal breath alayzer test..

  I have to hide my journal because if he finds it he will violate my privacy and read it..He has even gone so far as to bring up and discuss private contents of my journal in front of our friends at a BBQ and social gathering...I was stunned and felt as if he had just slapped me in the face. I have absolutley NO privacy in my own home.

 Anything I tell him in confidence he either uses against me later or blathers to or infront of others..Then he wonders why we have such bad communication in our marriage and why I don't "open up to him".

  Any friend I make he goes out of his way to attempt to make them HIS friend also and takes it upon himself to go to them to discuss HIS issues in our marriage. The last arguement we had he went to a female friend of mines house and talked to her and her husband about me and our marriage..

  Any counselor I see, he attempts to pressure me into making the counselor OURS for maritial counselling purposes..It's almost like I am not allowed to concentrate on myself...everything has to be about him or partically about or involving him..Right now..I am trying to concentrate on working on myself..working on my marriage is not my first priority..Especially since I don't trust him to keep what is discussed in counseling in confidence.

  When I have called him on any of these behaviors he fains "innocence" and denys them..He instead tells me that I am "just paranoid" and "have a guilty conscience" because of my addiction to alcohol. He furthermore says that if I wasn't trying to hide anything I wouldn't be bugged by running in to him during the day or taking the kids with me when I go places...

  I had a year sober and blew it three days ago. It was just a few drinks..but the reason that I drank is because I was sick of dealing with him trying to "control" and "moniter me" all the time..It's stupid...but I blew my recovery to rebel against HIM..

  He left two days ago for training..This is the first time he has been gone for any legnth of time for almost six months. And it's sad to admit but I woke up the morning after he left and felt RELAXED. The entire energy in my home feels different when he is gone and I feel like the pillow has been removed off my face so that I can breath.. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off of me..

  We recently found out that his unit is deploying to IRAQ for 15 months in August..It's sad..but all I feel is relieved..Then I feel guilty and like a rotten wife for feeling releived that he is going to IRAQ for almost a year and a half.

  I think the most irritating thing of all is that he has his own addiction issues that he chooses to not address or seek help for but he has taken it upon himself to go about monitering and trying to control me and mine.

  Recently, he wanted me to assure him that I love him and that things will be okay in our marriage.. For the first time, in a long time, i didn't tell him what he wanted to hear to avoid drama or an arguement. I am tired of saying " I love you too" just to get him off my back..The truth is that I don't know how I feel about him right now...I feel resentment towards him..Who knows? Perhaps love is buried underneath all that resentment somewhere..but I don't know if it is or not..

 I do know this...I didn't marry him because I wanted a "warden"..I am tired of him attempting to place himself as "God" in my life..I am tired of him trying to control me, my addiction, and my recovery..

 When he left he was pissed at me..And you know what?? I didn't care.. I told him that I don't know how I feel about him right now..but I do know one thing..I have a higher power and he isn't it..When he figures that out..then maybe we can get somewhere in our relationship and marriage..

Been there. My husband of 16 years, finally became my babysitter. Not as bad as what you have, but he was always after me. When I found out, (after kissing his butt for 16 years) that he was leaving me, I asked him to go the therepy. He drank, so we should both go. Oh, that wouldn't work because he wasn't given up his "daily" few beers cuz of me.

So, who's the alcoholic. Needless to say, I'm 2 years sober, 2 years divorced, gee, makes some sense now doesn't it. I mourn the loss, I mourn that things couldn't be fixed, but I have to move on.  I'm with you again on this. (we have a lot in common!) BUT, do what you can to fix it. It's in God's plan on how things end up and I have to accept the fact that my ex wouldn't change and I needed my own life to repair myself.  I wish you the best.

Being honest, right? 

my God-I can sooooooooooooo relate to your share.  My name is Andrea and I am definately an alkie.  My husband did a year long tour in Iraq in '05.  Prior to that, (no kids-thank goodness)-I pretty much went thru the same stuff you did-cept I didn't drink, but I did take his inventory and pointed out his own isms and addictions every chance I got.  I'd had about 14 months sobriety and had been living back at home(AGAIN for the 20th time?) with him for 6 months. I was either leaving because he was trying to control my drinking-trying to fix me-or he was unfaithful and pointing fingers at me for his behavior.  His tour gave me a solid foundation of sobriety-cuz when he came home-he was like a kid let loose in a toy shop.  It wasn't pleasant.  It was really ugly.  I can't say whether it will be bad for you.  I can only give you my experience, strength and hope.  I'm still married, things are better, and I didn't drink over any of it.  I got a sponsor and started working my steps with her and put my sobriety FIRST-always questioning as each situation came up-"Is this taking me closer to a drink?" And I ran all my "stuff" by other sober people-cuz my best thinkin' would always have me drinkin'-like I wanted to kick his ass when he hacked into my e-mail and I wanted to poison his hamburgers-when he read a good part of my 4th step(I keep it at my sponsor's house now) but since I had people who told me these were not good things to do and suggested other sober ways to handle it.  So, I'm not in jail right now and I'm not drunk.  I asked myself could I put up with his behavior for the next 20 years and be happy and sober.  Ahhh, nope.  The more sober I became, the more I worked thru the steps, the more I changed and became the person I know God wants me to be, the less his behavior had power over me-his same old crap no longer worked and he eventually figured out that he had to use something different or do something different or  he'd keep getting the new unruffled Andrea.  Don't quit before the miracle!!!!!!  The simple act of hitting my knees to say that third step prayer really has helped-even when I didn't know what else to pray for-it helped even when my prayers were for him to please, please drop dead, so I could have some serenity!

  I'll pray for you and I'm here-if you ever just need to vent some more......luv and hugs in fellowship~

            &nb sp; AlcoholicAndrea 

Wow! That sounds like a terrible way to live a life. Let alone, trying to recover.

It sounds to me, that your husband is a control freak. He was probably like that way before your drinking became a problem. Drunk or sober, that may not change. It may even worsen, once you start to change and start becoming more responsible for your own life. I pray that you both can mend this problem too. And I'm not referring to your drinking.

The guys with many years of sobriety always say, that nobody holds a gun to our head to make us drink. We relapse-drink for one reason. We're alcoholics. I'm referring to the comment, you relapsed because of the pressure he put on you. I understand what you meant, but in reality we relaspe because we want to drink and any excuse will do. I am not putting you down because of it. It happens to the best of us. It's just important for us to know that our diesese will try to convince us that it is ok to drink. That with all you're going through, you deserve a few drinks. Our diesese will tell us all these things to get us too drink. We just have to be aware of it. We have to know that we are alcoholics, and there is NEVER a good reason to have a couple of drinks. What that A.A. saying? Nothing is so bad, a drink won't make worse." And isn't that just what happened. I'm sure it didn't help any.

Anyway, thanks for sharing with us. It helps us as much as it helps you. Good luck. And no matter what, don't drink!

Sinner