Hi

I'm looking for some different perceptions on my situation.

I've got a history of sex addiction/porn addiction and always having more than one partner on the boil.

About seven years ago my ex-wife was really sick and needed major organ transplant surgery. Myself and our two children packed up and moved interstate to be there whilst this all happened. Whilst there I spoke with my ex's family and told them that, after 15 years of being a carer, that I could no longer do it and that when the crisis period was over that I was handing it to them.

I returned home alone after about 3 months and soon after became connected with a woman I'd known for a number of years. She was a bit older than me and was a solo parent of a 4 year old. My children were late teens. I did a familiar thing and fell head over heels and saw the relationship as all i needed and this woman as strong and assertive and worked as a successful professional. Things gradually seemed far less than perfect -  she would brag about the number of lovers she had had, control the social interactions and then one day told me she had worked as a prostitute and that it had been a good thing to do. She also has hep c, which she says was contracted through blood transfusion and had a history of relationships with i/v users and other addicted selves. The father of her child is the result of a weekend fling and there has been a huge amount of family law disputation regarding parenting. I became increasingly conflicted about the situation and increasingly insecure - at times I attempted to discuss my feeling regarding this and it would end in arguements and at times I was aggressive.

There has been high intensity attached to this relationship. I left the house we shared about 18 months ago and have still maintained the semblance of a relationship. Recently i acknowledge to myself the depth and nature of my addictions/obsessions and have commenced attending to this.

I am unsure of where this person fits in my life - she has listened many times and we have shared many things. she has been impacted upon by my unbalanced emotional states and actions. we have travelled and lived together and i do greatly value aspects of our history.

I also have string suspicions about what she may be hiding and holding onto -however there's an undercurrent that she's ok - that she doesn't have issues anymore and that i'm the unstable one. this always falls on the floor when i stand my own ground.

I don't want to run away or blame someone else for what i've done/nor do i want to stay attached to an inherently unhealthy relationship.

other views are warmly welcomed.

Greetings,

Your profile doesn't give much info as a basis for comment so it's hard to know what to write, but what the heck, i'll give it a shot, and you'll either hate it or not ... a real addict seldom wants to hear [or read] the truth about themselves.

If you're early in recovery from addiction, the standard party line is not to make any major decisions in the first year or so ... the time length is often an arbitrary thing in reality. The point is to get some stability in the recovery before making any huge changes that can trigger relapse.

My experience was that during the time i was learning to trust recovery, but not wanting to very much, i could trace each of my 4 major periods of relapse into drug addiction directly to broken, inappropriate relationships.

The problem with the information given is that it indicates you are in a relationship with your drug of choice: an unstable person. i say unstable because a truely stable person doesn't need to control or argue about the state of their partner's feelings, brag about their past relationships that appear to be rescuing in nature, deny their humanity by saying they no longer have "issues," and the list would probably go on with more information.

To recover from an addiction, it seems pretty clear to most of us that the addictive agent must be removed from or carefully controled in the life of the addicted individual. The drunk stops drinking and drugging. The drug addict stops using and drinking. The relationship addict stops getting into relationships until they get health enough to make healthy choices in an appropriate partner. The sex addict stops acting out sexually. Those with eating dis-orders adopt and commit to a stable food plan. The codependent stops trying to manipulate others and denying their feelings. The gambler stops gambling. The compulsive jay-walker starts using cross-walks when the light is green. Ad any other obsessive/compulsive problem here. The point is that the relationship with the problematic agent is terminated.

For myself, it wasn't until this termination happened, and i really believed it had to stay terminated, that anything like real recovery was actually even possible for me. Many switch agents, and while believing they are in recovery, are in reality just as miserable as they day the pain got bad enough that they admitted they may have a problem in the first place. Each individual is different. Each individual must determine their own problem, or at the very least, believe those professionals who are qualified to diagnose an addictive problem ... in my case, it took years before i was willing to believe that i am an addict, even though a Masters degree level professional had determined i had a serious, chronic problem.

Many folks here are like me, i use a 12-step program of recovery. There are many here who do not. How you choose to recover is exactly that: your choice.

The point i want to make is that it wasn't until i came to grips with a cause and effect relationship with my problem, that i was able to really seek a solution. i saw that i had a problem, and that it was making my life unmanageable in some way. For some, that means catching an STD from a compulsive desire to have sex with prostitutes, or finding one couldn't quit smoking a certain substance without some help, or getting fired for having surfed porn sites at work, or getting a DUI, or getting a charge of domestic violence and having to go to jail, or being told one has put on so much weight they suffer from congestive heart failure, or getting into a relationship because one wants to rescue the person and then finding out they don't want to be rescued, and for some it means multiple times being sent to prison because one refuses to stop doing an illegal act. Again, the list can go on for pages.

The one thing i can say for myself today is that, "before working the 12 steps, i was too sick to enter a healthy relationship, and after working the 12 steps i've become to healthy too enter a sick relationship."

Hi,

I myself have issues with feeling that sex=love. I am also a typical romantic personality, which means I greatly value affection and touchy-feely relationships. But, then again- I am also co-dependant. I think that the hardest part of actually ending something, even of it is potentially bad for us, is that we are almost addicted to the feeling of being needed. I recently read an article online about detachment, and why it is a GOOD thing to stay somewhat detached in a relationship. This was a foreign and shocking concept to me, I always looked at being detached as something negative. But, the concept here is that healthy relationships do maintain a bit of detachment on both person's parts. Meaning, you can be there for a person without allowing all of their problems becoming your own. You must allow a person to swim on their own, and in order to begin to do that - they may almost drown. The problem with being convinced that without "saving" them, they will drown if left alone is that they will never attempt to swim, they will always panic. I guess what I am saying with this lowsy analogy is, we have to remain ourselves in a relationship, not lose ourselves in the other person and their problems so much, that we lose our own identity. When you be yourself (like when you take a stand) that will be a true test as to whether or not this person can deal with the real you or not. Even though being alone is frightening, especially when you have so much history with someone, it may be best to find out who you are again. If she really loves you, she will still be there when you figure that out, with open arms. And, if you find you again and discover that dispite the pain, you still want her too - well, then you will know for sure. The painful reality of it all is, in my experience - you will usually find that after all the pain has reared it's ugly head, you may not want to go back if she has not attempted to grow also. My personal opinion is that in order for relationships to flourish, continue to grow, and be productive - you must grow together, not apart. Everyone will change, it is inevitable. The key is to keep the lines of communication open so that you both can understand what the other is going through. I would suggest taking some time away from the physical aspect of things, maybe keeping it on the phone. Keep communicating, but let her know that you have some things to work on (since she thinks everything is you- she should not disagree) and suggest maybe she take this time to think about where she sees this going and what she is willing to bring to the table, just so you know where she stands. And let her call you once in a while, do not be pushy. Maybe this will help you figure out what you need to do. And I admit, there may be a chance she is not willing to "wait" for you to figure things out, or bring anything to the table herself. But, do you really want to be with someone who wouldn't be willing to do that for you??? Good luck!