I am in  a weird position.I am so confused about myself,as well as this. I started seeing this guy who is 19 years older than me.He is not one of us and I don't think he understands the whole concept.I use to be able to talk to him about this.Now he gives me advice and I just don't think he understands. Anyway, when i started seeing him I was living in a recovery home and he was living with his dad to save up some money,he just gotten seperated from his wife.  He is a good father and works so his children can have a good life.  He is the best man I have ever had,anyway I moved into an apartment and everything was fine.He didnt want to move in because he didnt want to move to fast which is exactly what I needed,I am very co-dependant and at first was like yea he could keep me in check and help me not to move to fast but I struggled with it a lot. Anyway I relapsed and cheated on him with an ex that just got out of prison,perfect scenerio,yea!,anyway he found out and said it was over, I went off the deep end,thinking my life is over always.Prior to this he was talking about trying things out with his wife for the kids sake,he said he still loved her because of their time and kids together,I was always jealous of her,she didnt know about me but I knew about her. Then the subject was never brought up.Apparently he decided he liked what we had and thru that idea out the window until I cheated. Now he is living with his wife but we still have a fake relationship. He comes and sees me and we do what we do. Never go anywhere or do anything.  I am unhappy and know that the future with him looks bleak. I mean he has been married and has kids,why would he want to do that with me? The time we do spend together is good. But now that this has been going on for 4 months,I am tired of it.But I can't let go.I feel so hurt and betrayed but feel like I can't be alone. My sponser says let him go,my parents are disappointed in me. My mom says maybe it's ok because she knows I chose wrong men to be with and he is a good guy,which is off the wall because she doesnt believe in interacial relationships but like him.Doesn't really like what he is doing but knows he is the best I have chosen. She says one good thing is if we break up for good I would be vulnerable and jump at the first guy that seems intrested.I tend to disslike then men who would be good for me. Why can't I just be happy with me and stay out of a relationship like I was so often told? Has anyone been in a similair situation?Help me! I've asked God to help me detach from him and I have gotten to the point where I know I need to change.How?What do I do?

We all want to be loved!  We need to love and nurture.  I am sure if you are in recovery you know that they advise you to focus totally on you.  That is so very difficult when you are alone and feel the need to be loved and accepted at a time when you feel you NEED attachment the most.  Trust me my friend when I tell you this.  A woman that is confident in herself and possesses that quality means more than looks in any mans eyes!  I have always been blessed with the outside looks - it took me nowhere except modeling a bit for money.  I have never been more happy in my life than I am right now.  I married my high school sweetie but after 20 years of marriage things kinda i guess you might say get taken for granted.  He is the one and only man I have ever been intimate with.  I am now 39 years old.  I have sons ages 17 and 14.  I have been blessed with money, fame and so called fortune but until I went through the 12 step program I never believed it was possible to feel so good.  You my dear are definately codependant just like me.  You need to get a book - codependant no more - that is the name of book.  Read it and work the excersises.  Once you let go and detach and focus on YOU -learn who you are and learn to love yourself - I promise you will have men falling at your feet.  Dont rush it.  Take your time.  Its funny how when you dont hear from someone for a few days you begin to wonder if they are ok or if something is wrong.  This is what you need to do.  Isolate from others not meetings or recovery places to heal.  BE strong.  Tell yourself each day I can do it.  Get a piece of paper and pen and write I AM at the top.  Then use as many pieces of paper you need to finish listing all the good and bad things that you see in yourself.  Start with I AM LOVED because you are - God loves you regardless.  When you have finished the paper sit back and read it.  Put a mark by the things you dont like - and try to change those things into good ones. I promise if you focus on loving YOU others will too!  My husband and I have fallen in love all over again - I love him more than i ever thought i could because I now love myself and know what love means!

God Bless! 

Angie

Ok, Maybe I am not the person to say this because I am not Mrs Successful at relationships but if this is the best...so the man isn't sure if he wants to leave his wife and his kids.  Maybe this is obvious but why is he going to treat you any differently to the way he has treated his wife?  You say 'He is not one of us' is that co-dependent?  Because this guy is showing signs of being sex-addicted in his lack of ability to be properly intimate or to commit.  Co-dependents attract addicts, thats the way it goes.

Living a lie is not good for you - You are worth more than this but I do understand that you will feel that any relationship is better than nothing.  That is not really true.  I hope you can work this out for yourself and realise that you are better off without the losers. Good luck, take it a step at a time, you do have those resources for change and growth within you, it just takes time. Cara