They say that addiction is insanity and that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

Hate to admit it because after reading the above I feel so foolish.  But you know dammit I wish I could use and keep control of it,

I need to admit to myself that I will never control my addiction while active, it will always control me.  The only way to control it is to arrest it.

Hate to admit it but its true I'll never be able to use "just one time." 

But dammit I want to - just one last time - I want to use, but you know it could actually be my last time.  I've known people that go out for that - one last time - and never come back.  That should be enough to scare us addicts into not testing it - but when we're using we're not in control our addiction is and our addictions goal is to bring us to death.

I so hate to admit it because I'm ashamed that sometimes I still want to get high, after all the hurt and pain I've caused myself and everyone that loves me I hate to admit it I still want to use.

I agree with Pilitak.  Crap, you know how many times I go out to dinner, or go to a football party, on a cruise, or do something special, and I look around and see others drinking.  I look around and don't really see anyone drunk, just relaxing, and I say to myself, wow, wish I could have a drink.  Why can't I just have a drink with dinner?  Why can't I have a beer during a game like the others? Well, I CAN'T and I know I can't.  FOR ME, one leads to another, then another.  It does suck.  I think about it after a hard day sometimes and just go, "crap, wish I could go home and pour a stiff one."  But, the feeling doesn't last, because I reflect on all the harm it would do, if I did take that ONE DRINK. Is it worth it? NO.  I pray, give it to God, and move on. 

You are OK!!!  

Eevn after all these years of recovery (29), I still have a thought every once in a while that it sure would be great if I could just do something (drug, alcohol) to take the edge off of the pain, physical and emotional, of life. I don't beat myself up for such thoughts, but DO try not to harbor them and immediately say a prayer  of thanks that I no longer have to act on such a thought. To me having thoughts of using merely reinforces the fact that I am an alcoholic and addict. Perhaps the best reflection of the addict's state of mind (that never goes away) is this one I heard from a young man in a group I was leading; he was about 6 months sober at the time; he said, wistfully, with genuine longing: "If I weren't an alcoholic, I'd drink every day." 

Thank you guys who replied, I don't feel so ashamed now.  I really did before, it's hard living with someone who doesn't really understand (he tries but he'll never get it) so it's like I can't really share with him the feelings of wanting to use because he makes me feel bad about myself (not on purpose) but he'll be like "Why are you thinking that way, look at all you lost" or I love the "just don't think about it"  Funny how hard it is for a non-addict to grasp this disease.  My mom's the same way - just don't do it.  Ugh I want to scream when I hear that bull sh*t.

Anyway thanks guys, it really makes me feal better having somewhere that I can express the TRUE way I feel without being judged (out loud anyway) I know myself I judge no one else, after what I've done who would I be to judge another human being?

Thanks for being my family while I don't have one - hopefully in time my real family will come around and understand a little bit more - right now I guess I'm being punished because of useing and hurting them, that's the way my mom is tough love to the max, I think it's actually easier for her to turn her back & call it tough love, It's been over a year I think maybe my punishment should be over or at least let me call and talk to my family.  I don't know I'm going on and on I'm sorry

Monica Rae,

I have been clean, thanks to NA and my Higher Power, for a little over 13 years.  When I get that "Gee, a cold beer would be good right now." or "Just one hit would really take the edge off...one won't hurt me." thinking.  I know that that is my addiction talking.  When I have those thoughts, I have to play the tape all the way through to the ugly end that brought me into recovery in the first place.  I know that if I take the first step down that path, that I will continue to go right back to where I was and worse in no time.  You have been given a chance to change your world...everything about you.  This is not a second chance at life, it is a chance at a second life.  I also read your earlier post about living a lie.  I can't live a lie today, it does not fit into my spiritual beliefs.  Getting honest is hard, especially when there are serious consequences, but it is an absolute must for me.  I will not live a lie any more, that was a part of my previous life and doesn't belong in this life.  I will pray for you and I believe that everything will work out in accordance with God's will.  He doesn't run His plan by me in advance to get my input, but somehow it always works out good for me if I have faith and do the next right thing.

Love ya,

Doc