Recently I've had the desire to cut myself again. Especially when I feel angry or guilty. I haven't cut myself for over six months now but the desire seems to be getting stronger. My boyfriend, who is also in recovery, said he'll leave me if I cut myself but I don't know how long I'll be able to resist just because of that fear. I want to cut my upper arms because they seem fat to me. This morning I played piano and that helped a bit and just expressing the feelings help too. Well, guess it's time to call my sponsor about this... Is there anyone out there who also has this problem?

Hi Nelicquele,

I have not personally had a cutting problem, but have worked with a number of women who have. As you know, the cutting is another way we addicts have of trying to find a quick fix for emotions, a shortcut (a little humor may help) to the hard process of working through emotions. I often suggest that people do the 12 Steps on the cutting option, that is, accept in your heart or gut that cutting has caused you enough pain in the past to no longer be an option, that is, that you are powerless over it, and then ask your HP or spiritual source of strength, for the power to abstain from cutting. One way to look at cutting would be to see it as part of your old pattern of behaviors during active addiction and consider it a part of the unmanageability of your life (Step One) that you are letting go of. In other words do Steps 1-3 on cutting: I can't handle it (cutting), God (HP) can, I think I'll let him/her/it. I'll pray for you. I hope what I have said is helpful.

KCB, Jan W

Hey sister,

I'm hearing you...blimey, I even joined up to be able to message you!

I myself have a history of self harm although my last incident was over ten years ago now.  [I was diagnosed as 'chronic'].

Back then, it was my means of coping and it allowed me to live a fairly 'normal' life inbetween incidents.

I tried to stop self harming because I wanted to 'belong' yet,since it was my means of coping and I hadn't found an alternative I think its fair to say for a while at least I found I was more depressed as a result.

Also, wanting to stop is one thing but finding the understanding/conviction to do so is another thing entirely, hence five years later I did it again.

And it struck me that I was living to a pattern rather than being fully aware and active in the making of decisions affecting my life...ie life seemed o be something that happened to me rather than something I was interactive in...and I realised I really didn't like the fact that I seemed to be a bystander in my own life.

That was my worst and last time.

But...this isn't about me...so I'll tell you what I know...

Self harm is a coping mechanism. Self harmers feel a great release of emotional pressure and whatsmore the release of what is basically depression can be/is such a rush it can even feel like love and joy is bursting out and making the world a more beautiful place. The result of an episode of self harm is usually relief and calm...like I said its a coping mechanism.

But...why?

Well...to stop self harm one has to understand...

Behind it is a reason...normally a poor family environment where we are left feeling unloved and thats something we blame on ourselves and it is our belief that we need to be punished and the familiarity of suffering that leads to self harm.

Now...the answer and the logic is therefore not to self harm but to deal with those issues that cause us to feel so bad about ourselves.  We may need...in all probability WILL need help in facing this/these issues...from opur friends, perhaps some members of our family that we do have a caring relationship with and also  from professionals.

It will be painful experience and we will feel worse before we feel better and we have to be strong to start the process off and strong to see it through in which case having support can make all the difference but its a journey many tens of thousands if not millions of people undertake every day and perhaps it is only a matter of time before we all make it out the other side.

 I hope my words help in your understanding, and I want you to know that I and many others across the world care deeply about your situation.  Let me finish by saying this...

Only those who care hurt and only those who hurt care. Caring is a beautiful thing. It is not a fault or a weakness it is a strength. Not everyone feels or believes that. It is a gift. How we live our lives is very much a matter for ourselves but it may not always seem that way.  The way we change things is to believe change is possible.  So belief is the first step.

Human beings can be pretty awesome when they set their minds on something.

Now...it's up to you...

Deep love and good luck...I know you can do it. xxx Sarah. The PinkPunkPoet.  

I understand the feeling and urges you are dealing with, i started cutting when i was 15 years old, i am now 27, and have only recently stopped, my last episode was a little less than 4 months ago, and in my opinion, minor compared to where i usually take it. But there is no mild, just as well. It's like trying to tell a cop i only got a little high. Ending the urge to cut difficult, but ending the desire to do so is a completely seperate demon. I know these sound one and the same, but they are not. I can't claim to help solve you with your problem, but i can offer you a friend who knows where you are coming from and where you have been as far as cutting goes. Feel free to contact me at ANY time, and i will keep in touch.

            &nb sp;                        Karrie