I'm on methadone for a heroin addiction but like many many people on methadone after staying clean 2 years (I say clean not in recovery because that's what it was, I wasn't working on my addiction I simply took a medication each day to not get sick) I developed a mean addiction to cocaine or should I say crack.  It has been a horrible run for me it started Feb of 05 and I finally hit bottom in Oct 05, my mother sectioned me (Section 35 thru the court for those unfamiliar) and I went to what they told my mother would be a rehab for 30 days - ha ha - I went to Framingham State Prison which is a womens max security prison in mass but it has a detox unit I will say Thank God for that not only was I coke crazy but also on 40 mg of methadone.  Mind you I have a now 6 year old daughter who was in my custody, but for some reason I got out and still screwed up.  Anyway wicked long story short my mom ended up with permanent guardianship of Hailey and I alone on the street.  Thru this I had a great man who didn't use and poor thing was so confused like what the hells happening?  From Nov 05 to Feb 06 I ran the streets doing things I swore I never would then I guess I got tired I got my tax return and I have no idea how but instead of spending it on drugs I got an apt with it. Slowly but surely I've built my life back up - surprise I found out I was 3 months pregnant in March (yes oh boy oh boy) So after long thinking and actually going to terminate something strong inside said no don't do it (considering I  used the 1st 3 months)  OK so fast forward the baby is now 3 months old and home with me after a 11 week stay in the hospital because of being born on methadone (yes I got back on after being sectioned because I started using again stupidest thing ever I was finally off!)  It's so hard to stop crack, I pretty much stopped after deciding to keep the baby but I will admit their were like 2 times I used cocaine and then while he was in the hospital I freakin used a few times as well,  he came home on Dec 8th and the last time I used was Sept 24th.  I don't know if its the baby being home but its like my obsession to use is gone, now I'm not saying if I had $50 I wouldn't use - I'm not ready to cross that bridge.  My boyfriend came back to me in March when I got out of the situation I was in and got my apt (thank God because I had no idea how I was gonna pay the rent) but then again he's always done so much for me no matter how much I s**t on him.  My family is now even starting to talk to me (my mom) I still haven't seen my daughter since March but time will tell.  The most horrible part is I lie and say I've been clean since the middle off April, my life drastically changed I wasn't running the streets anymore or using everyday but their have been times here and there.  I'm afraid to tell her Oh ma its only been a month then she'll never let me see my daughter she'll make me wait another year - that was her point she wanted to see a good amount of clean time first before she let me back into her life,  So I'm clean and I'm lying - what do I do????

Take One Day at a Time, that's all you can do.  PRAY.

You are here for a reason and you are special, so don't give up.

I'll be praying for you always.

Tina

God can and will bring you through this. Addiction is hard to break but you have a purpose Your Kids. That new baby needs you and so does your daughter. As for your mom, poeple who have never been addicted don't understand the daily struggles. It will take time for wounds to heal. But, you need to be truthful to her. the longer you hide and lie to her the harder it is going to be on you. the saying "The Truth Will Set You Free" is ever so true. If you haven't already you need to find a good church to attend. I was on drugs for 26 years and the day I gave my life to the lord my addiction was gone. I have been clean for 12 years now. I still have dreams about dope but that is just Satin trying to trick me he will never win that game.

I will pray for you.

I tell you the worst thing I did was continue lying no matter what the gain was good or bad. It seemed no matter what I was alwyas found out then I had to lie to cover up to cover up and then to cover-up some more. It is just vicous cylce that never repeats it self for good. Just pray for god to give you the wisdom and strength to confront the lies and be forward and truthful not only with your mom but with yourself. Until I started confronting the lies and walking in the light did I start having true recovery for me.

I will be praying for you,

In Christ,

Rick

So I know the obvious answer was going to be tell the truth but its SCARY and if I tell her I've lied and still used here and there up until what 3 weeks ago she'll never talk to me.  It's been since February that I've had no contact with my family including my daughter who lives with my mom and now since my son's come home we've just started talking, I'm afraid it'll be gone and she'll never talk to me again and I'll never see my daughter.  My justification is what will it hurt if I just stay clean from now on what will be the harm?

I thank you all for the advice well I shouldn't even call it advice the answer.  I knew the answer was tell the truth but I think I just had to hear it from some other people.  Thank you and luv u all 4 caring so much!

Monica, have you tried Narcotics Anonymous? This is the fellowship that deals with drug addiction. I have a similar story to yours, minus the children. I never thought I could get off methadone and when I did I went on a coke run that darn near took my life, not to mention my spirit. When I was ready to be done I tried going to meetings. I went to my first meeting in May of 1998 and have not used any drugs, not coke, methadone, nothing, since that day. It truly does work for any addict who wants to recover.

Through the other addicts you'll meet in NA you'll be able to get some good solid recovery help with the issues you're confronting right now. I really hope you give yourself a chance and try a meeting.

Hugs,

FreeBee

Hi Monica,

 Your meetings are in the New England Region of N. A. So are mine (Cape Cod). NA often gets a bad rap from professionals and often it's an out of date impression. What I know is that if you go to a meeting, raise your hand and identify as a newcomer and ask for help and phone numbers you will get all the help and support you need. And if you go to a meeting, raise your hand and these things do not happen---go to another meeting! Remember, the folks in NA are also addicts looking for help. If most of the room is folks who are brand new they will be less able to offer help then people with more cleantime. I have no doubt that there are people with cleantime who can help. Your job is to seek out and ask for that help.

 I truly hope you give yourself the chance for all the wonderful things life has to offer-a recovery program is how drug addicts get that life!

New England Region of Narcotics Anonymous  newenglandna.org

NA World Service site  na.org

Hugs,

FreeBee

Hey Monica,  I empathize with your situation, but secrets keep us sick.  I know it will be hard for you to tell her and the consequences could be steep.  But we have a disease of perception and what you perceive is not always the situation.  You see her reaction from past experiences and it could be as you anticipate but if you continue in the same way you will continue to get the same results.  Your mother does not understand our disease but what she does know is your past and the way you have handled things.  You must show her that you have changed and are willing to accept the consequences of your actions.  These are very hard things to tell you.  I wish I could tell you to continue to lie, but in all honesty I cannot.  I know from years of experience that lies kill us.  When you are ready to tell her, Pray for the willingness to tell her, the words to tell her and for the situation to be in His hands. 

As far as the fellowship of NA, it is definately a great tool.  I have been in recovery for over 13 years now.  I started in AA, found my way through the doors of NA and continued to go to both for a while.  Currently I attend AA on a regular basis and only go to NA occasionally.  Yes there are people who are in both fellowships for the wrong reasons, but there are also people who are there for the right reasons.  TO SAVE OUR ASSES!!!  I love the fellowship I get from both.  I only hang out with the winners, the ones that are doing it for themselves and others in order that they may recover. 

 Because of the fellowship of NA/AA I have been given the opportunity to get a new spiritual life and now I also attend church on a regular basis.  I say, "God brought me through the doors of NA/AA and NA/AA brought me to God".  Because of my relationship with God I can handle the little and big monsters when they pounce on me.  Life is peaceful and good.  I hope you too can achieve what I have and will have.  But remember I too did it ONE DAY AT A TIME. 

 WITH GODS' LOVE

PHYLLIS