I have struggled with making boundaries ever since I knew what they were. I have also always had relationships where the S.O. was good at manipulating me to do for THEM (at the cost of taking care of me, or denying myself, ignoring MY needs, etc.).  But now in recovery, I guess I'm having a hard time deciding how long a relationship should continue, if I'm the only one giving in a substantial way? I've quit and failed so many times,(In relationships, I mean) it's like I have a tenacious grip on it now, just to avoid those things again. YET, I don't think this person is really interested in growing in recovery, as I am.

It's hard to tell sometimes if it's them trying to control me, or just ME reacting to the idea that they MIGHT try at some point. 

Any suggestions or INSIGHT, would be much appreciated.

abbiegrrl

            &nb sp;                         &nb sp;          ;o) 

            &nb sp;                         &nb sp;                   

I have learned that it's much easier to KEEP boundaries than to re-establish them, and that there is NO way ppl won't test me whenever they find a new boundary.

(I over E   "I/E" ===Intellect over Emotions) 

Hey Abbiegirl,

NICE subject! I'm new to this site, otherwise I would have responded much sooner.  I can completely relate to the fact that I knew very LITTLE about boundaries when I was an active addict.  Now that I'm a recovering addict, I certainly understand the NEED for better boundaries, yet don't feel very confident about establishing and maintaining them.  I'm learning that I'm the kind of guy that can fret and worry about doing them "right." (which certainly sets me up for some difficulties later) Yet... Like byGrace said, it's most likely an art that can take a lifetime to perfect, if ever.  One thing that helped me recently was hearing someone in a meeting say, "Problems don't go away in recovery, they just get classier."  haha.  I guess what I got from that was that I will always make mistakes, and if I'm living a full life...there will always be someone or something to deal with.  Today, I have the best intention to be honest and respectful in my communications while at the same I know there will be the inevitable conflict.  In times of conflict, I try to tell myself that I did the very best I could and then practice the 3rd Step by turning it over to God.   And, like Melody Beattie says, "Always detach with Love, and if you can't detach with love the JUST DETACH."  Peace, and great to read your comments.  Thanks!  Mark

Hi, Mark;

You reminded me of when I was trying to get over some of that tendency to LIE like a carpet...I was telling a SPonsee the other day, I had to get over that habit, so whenever I'd lie to someone, no matter how "trivial", I'd force myself to go to them and admit that I was lying, and say what the TRUTH was.

After a few traumatic times of doing that, it's remarkable how much easier it was to stop lying!

I got the idea from ppl in the rooms saying that they got over their road rage, or something like that, b/c their Sponsor had said they had to go to that person and apologize, when ever they did anything remotely offensive.... 

When the pain is strong enough, we'll be ready to WORK on it. :o) 

Wow, i am so glad I found you  all because I see that I am not alone in my struggles- that they are somehow 'human'.  

I have only just identified myself as a co-dependent and related emotional foodaholic. Boy, just aknowledging it was a challenge because I could no longer whine and act the victim- I have to take some responsibility- YET I need to beware of the tendency to take too much responsibility. I am finding that is where God comes in for me because being in a permenant active co-dependent relationship with someone who has no desire to change and gets angry when I do has been torture especially since because of circumstances that absolutely prevent me from fleeing I know that I have to work it out.

My biggest concern is for my kids and how all of this is affecting them.  I find myself apologizing to them for the daily hurts and telling them it is not their fault and fighting with my spouse about what I percieve as his constant barrage of criticism- he tells me I am picking on him and am too critical- Am I? I try very hard to couch my comments when I am not emotional- not always possible unfortunatley- I confess that some of my reactions may be based on the abuse I recieved from my alcoholic parents- so that in some sense I am reacting as the protective parent for both my kids and my inner child.....

I try to remember his perspective and realize that he is struggling too with the demons of his past.... but he does not aknowledge that these have anything to do with us and our conflicts.... according to him we have no problems and if I only behave the way I used to (a complacent door mat) things would be fine...

Ahhhh! what a strangling grip... it  is holding me far too often under storming currents....

All I can do is pray sometimes. 

I have to look at the STEPS. Do they help? 

Great thread....

I have been in CODA for 12 years and it saved my life...I sponsor women in it and found a group that really knows what it is and how to work the program...my bottom was that I tried to kill myself after my ex husband left...I didn't know how to live without him, I soon learned thru the support of Coda and my HP...Today I am able to be alone and be happy, what an concept...thru Coda I came to love myself and know that I am enough as I am....hope this helps somone!

Hugs

Jody

PS. The steps saved my life and Sanity ;) 

IMHO, the only thing we can do for the kids, if we are unable or unwilling to remove the situation from them, is to give them whatever coping tools you can get ahold of, via Alanon, Coda, Naranon, or whatever. There are plenty of Counselling places that use a "sliding fee" if you can't afford it.

I thought at one time that I could NOT leave my husband, but I found out that it was just fear, lying to me as usual. It hasn't been easy, and it probably won't be "smooth sailing" much of the time, but you know, regardless of who/what the problem is, God and I are a team that can't be beat. All I have to do is suit up and show up..... :o)

That's my 1.5 cents' worth.

abbie

i want to say something, anything that will get me started.  I have been in and around AA and Alanon since 1987. I have isolated myself to keep from dealing with adults.  Not only in the "normal world" but in AA. I have set boundaries but only by being hateful. It seems no matter where I go AA or church someone thinks it is their duty to fix me up with a man. I am 65 years old and I don't need someone else sticking their nose into my personal life.  I have talked to my sponsor and at this point she is no help. I sat my cousin (female, 75 yrs) down "again" and talked to her about minding her own business.  I was respectful but firm, that worked about a month (I was out of town part of the time), yesterday she called and asked me to go to a church ladies meeting with her.  She not only tries to fix me up with men but also tries to pick my female friends for me.  I have female friends that are christians, so I don't see her point. 
gerelene