My life has been dominated by fear.  My dad was an alcholic and as a little girl I was always terrified he wouldn't come home.  Those fears still affect my adult life.  Whenever something doesn't go as planned, those same gut-wrenching fears come back.  I try to use mantras like "I am absolutely safe in God's hands," and although it helps, I want to overcome the fear before it becomes paralyzing.  In the past, I would find men to comfort my fears, at least for some period of time.   I have never been able to conquer the fears on my own.

My addictions all revolve around this negative emotion.  Men, alcohol, etc...  I have been in recovery since January have done pretty well.  However, I am in stressful times right now and want to reach out to a man to take care of me.  Help.  How to I grow up and take care of myself?

Any thoughts in the topic?

Sherri -

     Fear is insidious. It is the basis for many of negative emotions - at least mine. Fear of not getting what I want or feel I deserve. Fear of strange and new situations. Fear of getting out of my comfort zone. My imagination can creat fear even where the is none, and it feeds on itself.

     We speak of living in the moment. Harder done than said. I've learned to temper my plans, desires and expectations with the fact that things are most likely not going to turn out the way I want them. Don't anticipate, enjoy instead. When life gives you lemons - make lemonade.

     The Serenity Prayer is one of the most powerful tools I have to conquer fear. "The courage to change the things I can". Not only am I safe but He gives me the strength to walk through my fear, showing me that through His will, I need not be afraid. The 23rd psalm is another that can quell the dis-ease of fear.

     It takes time and trust, my friend. Stick with the sober women in your fellowship and stay out of that most dangerous place in the world (alone in the mind of an alcoholic). When you're ready to form a relationship, it will be because you want to and not because you need to...

YFIR,

Dennis

Thank you.  I am truly learning what living 'one day at a time' means.  Sometimes, I am living 'one minute at a time.'

thanks again for sharing your wisdom.

Stay in the 'middle of the wagon-'    meetings, sponsor, sharing-

all hard to do but  try to learn how to pick up the phone, stick out your hand at meetings-

I always wanted to bolt- slowly I started thanking the people I identified with

after the meeting, putting chairs, books away- generally just learning to stick around more and more! asking someone to go for coffee/ soda/ juice-

meeting after the meeting! Nia

Thank you sooo much for sharing. I can totally relate to everything you said. Fear has been the number one controlling defect in my life, all of my life. I learned from an early age to run, run, run. Never knew how to do anything else, EVER.

Here's what is working for me now that I am clean and now that I am working a 12 Step program to the best of my ability. I try to stay close to as many women as I can in the program. This was not an easy task at first, since I had lots of trust issues with Women in particular. However, determined to change and stay clean, despite my feelings towards women I started up a women's stag mtg in my area. This helped me tremendously to start opening up, and reach out. I have developed an awesome support group of women that I can call on at any given time. When I am faced with fear today, I inventory what is going on with me (with the help of my sponsor of course) and whether I like it or not, I try to get to the root of my fear. Whatever it may be...facing it is the only way for me to get through it. That's where the beautiful relationships I have with women today come in. Because whatever it may be that I have to face, I dont have to face it alone. I HAVE picked up that phone and walked thru some stuff with other women. NEVER CAN I DO IT ALONE, and thanks to the program I NEVER HAVE TOO!!  It is all a process, and it takes time, there is NO MORE instant gratification, NO REAL QUICK FIX. For me it's all about Believing and Trusting in that Process, and of course a Power Greater than myself to restore me to Sanity!! ;) Much love to you.

AnnMarie

There is only one way to overcome fear by facing it, then we realise the situation was not nearly as bad as we feared or maybe it was but we got through it.  Facing the fear is called courage, courage does not make the fear go away.  We need to realise that fear is not tangible, it is an emotion and it can't kill us and the only way to do that is going through it and surviving.

Sometimes it helps to understand where the fear comes from, it may belong to a situation long gone which no longer applies in our life, and it is no longer relevant.

Sometimes it may help to listen to the fear, what is it telling us and make a rational decision if we are going to take notice of it or not.  Sometimes it is right to be afraid and to turn away from a dangerous situation.  But once we have decided and know what we are going to do fear is a door that we have to open and walk through to where we want to be.

AnnMarie and Cara, 

Thanks so much for your replies.  I have read both several times and they strengthen me each time.

YFIR,

Sherri

[quote="sherri1210"]

My life has been dominated by fear.  My dad was an alcholic and as a little girl I was always terrified he wouldn't come home.  Those fears still affect my adult life.  Whenever something doesn't go as planned, those same gut-wrenching fears come back.  I try to use mantras like "I am absolutely safe in God's hands," and although it helps, I want to overcome the fear before it becomes paralyzing.  In the past, I would find men to comfort my fears, at least for some period of time.   I have never been able to conquer the fears on my own.

My addictions all revolve around this negative emotion.  Men, alcohol, etc...  I have been in recovery since January have done pretty well.  However, I am in stressful times right now and want to reach out to a man to take care of me.  Help.  How to I grow up and take care of myself?

Any thoughts in the topic?

Congradulations for your recovery process.  Be proud of your accomplishments!!!  You have just understood a basic principle of adulthood you are the only one who can take care of YOU!!! 

Growing up is tough and scary.  You need to find support in your area to help you with the most important job you have, taking care of you.

The how well you are the expert on you.  What do you like to do??  Seek out people who have common interests.  Get out and go to a meeting, go to church, take a class, volunteer, rent a movie, turn the music on and dance, take a walk in the park and really notice your surroundings and thank your Higher Power for the little things in life.

Happiness is a choice. SMILE often.  If the right man is meant to come along you need to be healthy so that the relationship is healthy.  A significant other should compliment your life, and as well you should compliment theirs.

Take care

Deb

[quote="DennisS"]

Sherri -

     Fear is insidious. It is the basis for many of negative emotions - at least mine. Fear of not getting what I want or feel I deserve. Fear of strange and new situations. Fear of getting out of my comfort zone. My imagination can creat fear even where the is none, and it feeds on itself.

     We speak of living in the moment. Harder done than said. I've learned to temper my plans, desires and expectations with the fact that things are most likely not going to turn out the way I want them. Don't anticipate, enjoy instead. When life gives you lemons - make lemonade.

     The Serenity Prayer is one of the most powerful tools I have to conquer fear. "The courage to change the things I can". Not only am I safe but He gives me the strength to walk through my fear, showing me that through His will, I need not be afraid. The 23rd psalm is another that can quell the dis-ease of fear.

     It takes time and trust, my friend. Stick with the sober women in your fellowship and stay out of that most dangerous place in the world (alone in the mind of an alcoholic). When you're ready to form a relationship, it will be because you want to and not because you need to...

YFIR,

Dennis

I second that.  Well said Dennis.

Deb