I have struggled with codependency for many years not knowing what it was. I have been in one disasterous relationship after another. Recently my boyfriend--a drug addict and alcoholic--broke with me. I know we broke because I needed him so much and he felt too much responsibility. I am hurt, but also I know that I deserve a better man than an unfaithful drug addict. I want to know how to believe that the relationship ending was a good thing and not the end of my life and world?

     You do deserve something more than the bitter end of bad relationships. When one door closes, another opens. Welcome to a wonderful open door. I noticed that you've already subscribed to our codependency forums. A good thing, with many fantastic people that can help.
     I too ended a bad relationship a while back. At first I wondered what was to become of me. Thirty some odd years and it was over. With the help of friends both here and in the physical world, I learned some very important truths. Peace, joy and satisfaction in my life is not dependent on anything but God and me.
     May you find that also...
Take care,
Dennis
    
    

In my growing up I never was given a sense of where I began and ended-

( boundaries of self) and it was never clear to me: who I ought to be relying on.

There were few clear and consistent rules-and many mixed messages about

relationships- I never knew who I could trust from one minute to the next,

So everyone who came along was a potential savior ! 

By the time I reached my teens I was pretty desperate, didn't trust myself or others and was extremely angry!

I thought -as many of us do- that one primary relationship, even Marriage

might save me-but since I had no idea what 'normal ' was -I put all my hopes,

dreams and fears onto some pretty unstable partners.... Add alcohol or drugs

into that mix and things get worse in a hurry!

When I found a way to get clean and sober, I started hearing about the

" isms" those underlying issues concerning ourselves, that needed to be

adressed-I started to take a look at me- who I was- what I believed, and then

worked the steps of two programs, in order to start to heal.

Once I became more centered and organised; I could begin to function

and interact with others more productively!

I have been blessed by an increasingly good relationship with my family-

those who are left- and a wonderful partner-who also shares in recovery.

   Things don't always "Come up roses" but now I know where to turn and what

to do, when things get crazy-  Nia

Like Nia, my identity was never clearly defined. Rather my identity became what everyone else wanted - or what I thought was expected of me. I believed that I wasn't worthy, and I felt compelled to try and "prove" myself...often at the cost of my dignity, because I never learned how to create boundaries or stick up for myself. I geared toward unhealthy relationships where I could "rescue" (and quite often became the proverbial doormat). Instead, I never saw the pattern of attaching myself to emotionally unavailable people... Every time I felt ignored or neglected, my fear of abandonment would cause me to act out, because not only have I believed my world would crumble if they left me...but that I needed to be in a relationship to feel whole. In short, my codependent behavior was a manifestation of Einstein's definition of insanity.

I have been relationship-free during the past two years, which not only has been beneficial for my recovery, but the process (and abstainence) has taught me to treat myself the way I want to be treated. Now that I am learning how to care about myself and take care of my own needs, whenever I become ready to take the plunge again, the relationship won't be defined by dependency or manipulated by fear.

While I can share my experience with you, I can't tell you how to overcome that 'end of the world' feeling or your self doubt (except to say that your second guessing is because you're allowing yourself to isolate and get stuck in your head to regret and feel lonely). It feels like the 'end of the world' now, but only you can answer for yourself if you are better off...

Work on you for YOU!

luv

I decided to take off my "kick me" sign...knew I needed to do it...did it...can't believe the anger and resentment that came up afterwards!  Felt knocked side-ways...