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Not everyone here is recovering from a chemical dependency of some type. Some of us have slightly different needs when approaching Step 4, so I figured why not post the more general questionnaires that gear more toward codependency and emotional healing found in this amazing workbook I've been using:
click to view/buy
The Twelve Steps - A Spiritual Journey
A Working Guide for Healing
Note: the following is from the "Step Four" chapter, p. 81-95
If you're one of those having trouble finding resources for Step Four questionaires that isn't dedicated to alcoholism or drugs of some type, then this is especially for you. However, this can be used by everybody seeking to heal some emotional wounds.
Have a happy recovery! 
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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ResentmentResentment is an underlying cause of many forms of spiritual disease. Our mental and physical ills are frequently the direct result of this unhealthy condition. No doubt others have harmed us, and we have a legitimate right to feel resentful. However, resentment doesn't punish anyone but ourselves. We can't hold resentments and find healing at the same time. It's best released by asking God for the strength to forgive the offender. Learning to deal with resentment in a healthy way is an important part of our recovery process.
When we resent, we may be:
- Feeling injured
- Feeling violated
- Feeling left out
- Retaliating
- Experiencing low self-worth
- Angry or bitter
List situations where resentment is a problem for you.
Example: I resent my boss because he doesn't care to hear my explanation of why I am depressed. This affects me self-esteem. This activates unexpressed anger. This makes me feel even more depressed.
I resent _________________________________________________________________
I resent _________________________________________________________________
I resent _________________________________________________________________
I resent _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does resentment negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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FearFear is an underlying cause of many forms of spiritual disease. It is the first response we feel when we aren't in control of a situation. A wide range of mental and physical ills are frequently the direct result of this unwholesome emotion. Fear often prevents us from seeing options to effectively resolve the issues causing the fear. Learning to acknowledge fear in a healthy way is an important part of our recovery process.
When we fear, we may be:
- Feeling threatened
- Fighting for survival
- Resisting change
- Facing our mortality
- Experiencing rejection
- Anticipating loss
List situations where fear is a problem for you.
Example: I fear my spouce because I feel that I am never able to please him/her. This affects my self-esteem and sexuality. This activates my fear of abandonment. This makes me feel worthless and angry.
I fear _________________________________________________________________
I fear _________________________________________________________________
I fear _________________________________________________________________
I fear _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does fear negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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Repressed or Inappropriately Expressed AngerAnger is a major source of many problems in the lives of adults who were reared in chaotic homes. It is a feeling that we often suppress, because admitting it makes us uncomfortable. In our chaotic homes, the turmoil was so intense that we either denied our anger or expressed it inappropriately. We felt that it was safer to protect ourselves and simply hoped our feelings would go away. We were not aware that repressed anger could lead to serious resentment and depression. It causes physical complications that can develop into stress-related illnesses. Denying anger or expressing it inappropriately causes problems in relationships because we cannot be truthful about our feelings and must always be pretending.
When we repress or inappropriately express anger, we may experience:
- Resentment
- Self-pity
- Depression
- Jealousy
- Anxiety
- Stress
List situations where anger is a problem for you.
Example: I inappropriately express anger toward my son because I am embarrassed by his behavior. This affects my self-worth. This activates my fear of rejection. This makes me feel incompetent as a parent.
I inappropriately express anger _________________________________________________________________
I inappropriately express anger _________________________________________________________________
I inappropriately express anger _________________________________________________________________
I inappropriately express anger _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does anger negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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Approval SeekingMany of us fear disapproval or criticism. As children, we desperately wanted to receive approval from our parents, grandparents, siblings, and significant others. This rarely occurred for most of us. As a result, we constantly sought validation. This continued into adulthood and seriously affected the way we pattern our lives and thinking around the needs of others. Rather than look for approval in a positive way, we seek validation in order to feel better about ourselves and get people to like us. This keeps us out of touch with our own feelings and desires, and prevents us from discovering our own wants and needs. We look for reactions in others and attempt to manage their impression of us. We constantly strive to please everyone and often stay in relationships that are destructive to us.
When we need approval from others, we may be:
- People pleasing
- Ignoring our own needs
- Feeling unworthy
- Fearing criticism
- Fearing failure
- Lacking confidence
List situations where approval seeking is a problem for you.
Example: I seek approval from my friends because I want to feel better about myself. This affects my relationship with my friends. This activates my fear of rejection. This makes me feel like I'm not important to anyone.
I seek approval _________________________________________________________________
I seek approval _________________________________________________________________
I seek approval _________________________________________________________________
I seek approval _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does approval seeking negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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CaretakingAs children, we frequently assumed the responsibility for concerns and problems of others that were far beyond our capability to handle. As a result, we were deprived of a normal childhood. The unrealistic demands placed on us, and the praise we received for being "little adults," made us believe we had Godlike powers. Taking care of others boosted our self-esteem and made us feel indispensable. It gave purpose to our lives. As caretakers, we are most comfortable with chaotic situations where others assure us that we are needed. Although we often resent others for taking and not giving, we are unable to allow others to care for us. We don't experience the joy of taking care of ourselves.
As caretakers, we may:
- Be co-dependent
- Rescue people
- Lose our identity
- Feel very responsible
- Ignore our own needs
- Feel indispensable
List situations where caretaking is a problem for you.
Example: I take care of my boyfriend's financial problems because I want him to love me more. This affects available funds for my own financial needs. This activates my resentment and tendency to withdraw. This makes me feel very lonely.
I take care of _________________________________________________________________
I take care of _________________________________________________________________
I take care of _________________________________________________________________
I take care of _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does caretaking negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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ControlAs children, we had little or no control over our environment or the events that took place in our lives. As adults, we have extraordinary needs to control our feelings and behavior, and we try to control the feelings and behavior of others. We become rigid and unable to have spontaneity in our lives. We trust only ourselves to complete a task or to handle a situation. We manipulate others in order to gain their approval and keep a balance of control that makes us feel safe. We fear that our lives will deteriorate if we give up our management position. We become stressed and anxious when our authority is threatened.
Due to our need to control, we may:
- Overreact to change
- Lack trust
- Be judgmental and rigid
- Manipulate others
- Fear failure
- Be intolerant
List situations of control is a problem for you.
Example: I attempt to control my nineteen-year-old son because I am afraid of losing him. This affects my communication with him. This activates my fear of abandonment. This makes me feel very frightened and powerless.
I attempt to control _________________________________________________________________
I attempt to control _________________________________________________________________
I attempt to control _________________________________________________________________
I attempt to control _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does control negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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Fear of AbandonmentFear of abandonment is a reaction to stress that we developed in early childhood. As children, we observed unpredictable behavior from responsible adults. We never knew from one day to the next if our parents would be there for us. Many of us were abandoned either physically or emotionally. As our parents' addictions increased in severity, their inability to parent also increased. As children, we simply were not important. As adults, we are inclined to choose partners with whom we can repeat this pattern. We try to be perfect by meeting all our partner's needs in order to avoid experiencing the pain of abandonment. Our need to reduce the possibility of abandonment take precedence over dealing with issues or conflicts. This behavior produces a tense environment of poor communication.
When we fear abandonment, we may:
- Feel insecure
- Become caretakers
- Worry excessively
- Feel rejected
- Become co-dependent
- Avoid being alone
List situations where fear of abandonment is a problem for you.
Example: I fear abandonment by my husband because he doesn't pay much attention to me. This affects my peace of mind. This activates my caretaking and manipulation of him. This makes me feel very frightened and vulnerable.
I fear abandonment _________________________________________________________________
I fear abandonment _________________________________________________________________
I fear abandonment _________________________________________________________________
I fear abandonment _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does fear of abandonment negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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Fear of Authority FiguresFear of people in roles of authority can be a result of our parents' unrealistic expectations of us -- wanting us to be more than we were able to be. We see people in authority as having unrealistic expectations of us and thus, we fear we cannot meet their expectations. We are unable to deal with people whom we perceive as being in positions of power. Simple assertiveness displayed by others is often misinterpreted by us as anger. This can cause us to feel intimidated and to become oversensitive. No matter how competent we are, we compare ourselves to others and conclude that we are inadequate. As a result, we constantly compromise our integrity in order to avoid confrontation and criticism.
Fear of authority figures, may cause us to:
- Compare ourselves to others
- React rather than act
- Take things personally
- Feel inadequate
- Fear rejection
- Be arrogant
List situations where authority figures is a problem for you.
Example: I fear my boss because I don't want her to know how incompetent I feel. This affects my actions when I am around her. This activates me need to isolate -- I try to be unnoticed. This makes me feel childish and immature.
I fear _________________________________________________________________
I fear _________________________________________________________________
I fear _________________________________________________________________
I fear _________________________________________________________________
[B R]Self evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does fear of authority figures negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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To Thine Own Self Be True
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Frozen FeelingsMany of us have difficulty expressing our feelings or even realizing that we have them. We harbor deep emotional pain and a sense of guilt and shame. As children, our feelings were met with disapproval, anger, and rejection. For survival purposes, we learned to hide our feelings or repress them entirely. As adults, we are not in touch with our feelings. We can only allow ourselves to have "acceptable" feelings to stay "safe." Our true nature is distorted so we can protect ourselves from the reality of what is truly happening. Distorted and repressed feelings cause resentment, anger, and depression, which often lead to physical illness.
When we have frozen feelings, we may:
- Be unaware of our feelings
- Struggle with relationships
- Be depressed
- Become ill
- Have distorted feelings
- Withhold conversation
List situations where frozen feelings are a problem for you.
Example: I repress my feelings toward my spouse because I don't want to be hurt. This affects my actions and limits my ability to communicate with my spouse. This activates my need to isolate and causes me to be accused of being insensitive and unaffectionate. This makes me feel very isolated and lonely.
I repress my feelings _________________________________________________________________
I repress my feelings _________________________________________________________________
I repress my feelings _________________________________________________________________
I repress my feelings _________________________________________________________________
Se lf evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much do frozen feelings negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.
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