I wanted to share my first step here as I begin working in earnest on my second step.
To summarize my powerlessness over my addiction, I can say that there have been numerous times that I have tried to stop my addictive behaviors and was unable to do so over the last 25 years and more. This has included making vows to God or to my soul which I then found difficult to follow, as well as fasting, praying for long periods, shedding tears in asking God to help me repent, going to numerous 12 Step and therapy groups, marriage counselors, therapists and online recovery groups and websites. And I have had numerous times of embarrassment, conviction that what I was doing was wrong, physical destruction of expensive things like my car and have had numerous headaches so severe following my addictive behavior that I was nauseous. I have still been unable to stop the behavior following any of these things, even though I desperately have tried. I have written notes to myself and have made verbal recordings of myself so that I could read them or play them back during times I was tempted and I pleaded in these journals and recordings to not do this and to try to remember how truly painful the consequences were in hopes that I would read these things or listen to them before I gave in to temptation. These sometimes work for a while, but I have continually found myself going back to old addictive behaviors. I have been powerless in this.
Also, this has created numerous problems in my marriage and other relationships. While wanting to have a good marriage, my marriage has been less than satisfying for many, many years. Even though in my sickened mind, there has sometimes been difficulty in correlating my addictive behaviors to problems in my marriage relationship (part of my denial process, no doubt), when I look at the big picture over many years I can more easily see that the times that I was staying away from porn were the times that I had a better relationship with my wife and others. The times that I was falling to porn were the times that I was experiencing difficulties with my wife and others. Yes, there is a very strong correlation there even though it is often difficult for me to see.
As for the unmanageability in my life, my belief is that there is some relativity in this definition, based on how I choose to define 'manageability'. In fact, I am still struggling with what a good definition for manageability is in my life. At one time, to me manageability meant an ability to do well in college so that I got good grades. At another point it meant that I did not get a divorce from my wife. Now by manageability I mean to have a good ongoing balance in my life and keep from my addictive behaviors over time. By that definition, my life is still unmanageable, although some things have become more manageable over time.
So in summary I can say that over the last 25+ years at numerous times and in numerous ways it has been proven that I am powerless over my addiction to pornography and sexual impurity. It has left my life unmanageable, often times void of the will, desire or ability to manage my life with any sense of true fulfillment or satisfaction and often times bringing despair, frustration, losses of money, time, and relationships and physical and emotional pain and the inability to fulfill my true, God-given potential. I could say that it could have been worse and no doubt it could have been worse. I could be dying or dead from AIDS or something similar. And I am thankful to God that I was protected from that. However, it is still very true in my life that I have lost much due to my involvement with porn and sexual impurity and that, even knowing that what I was doing was destructive to my health, finances, relationships and sense of well-being, that I continued in the behavior in spite of that. I have become powerless over this and I need help.
