Step One
"We admit we are powerless to fix ourselves and that our lives have become unmanageable"
This is both the hardest and the easiest of the twelve steps. Hardest to recognize, easiest to apply. The difficulty of recognition is weighed heavily upon the environment in your soul. Let me explain:
I was "saved" on February 28th, of 1989. I truly did want to rid my life of the suffering that had brought me to abandonment by my family and friends; to homelessness and desolation before my 23rd birthday, but there were huge holes in my understanding that allowed me to remain neck deep in some horrifying behavior for fifteen more years.
Yes, I knew that I was a "sinner" and that I needed Jesus to be able to have hope in my future, but I was a prisoner to my own perspective. What I really did not grasp was the key word in step one that says "unmanageable". I was convinced that if I had the Bible as a reference, surely I would be able to manage it better because after all, I had been taught since I was a boy that the Word of God is the ultimate source of truth.
God, however, wanted me to give up control. and allow myself to be accountable to others; He wants us to stop trying to make excuses to believe that we can succeed without Him. We might be able to fool ourselves for a while or even be able to live under the illusion created by our addiction, but when we come down to those lonely sober moments the word "crashing" really comes into full effect.
I was an abuser, but I did not see my choices as abuse. I kept making excuses about how everyone was provoking me; as if I had no choice. I persistently used the phrase, "I was Out of Control". That was the lie. God gave us a free will and every time I buckled my fist in rage it was my free will that made the choice to hurt the ones that I love.
My breakthrough came when the law got involved. The cuffs were slapped on me and I had to spend six months isolated from everyone that I knew because "I was a threat to them";. Funny thing is when I said I was sorry I truly did mean it for the first time, but I still had to prove to everyone that had intervened that I would not repeat the behavior.
The hours in the cell seemed like days; time dragged on and on. I cried more than I had ever cried in my life. And right there, that was when it happened. I came face to face with myself. There wasnt anyone around to blame or to defend myself to. I was compelled to admit that I had a pattern; that my life had been smashed into a million peices.
For weeks I begged God to have mercy on me. I cried myself to sleep so many times that I had to start keeping water next to my bed. Brokenness, time, and a desperatation for the intervention of God is what got me past step one. Only when we can clearly see that damage that our mental prisons have subjected others to can we realize we are unmanageable and hope to find lasting transformation.
Anyone can feel sorry for themself and hold off as long as it is convenient, but only those that turn their attention outside their own pain to realize the pain we have caused is much worse than the pain we have felt, can ever sincerely change because that is the definition of repentance. Repentance means to feel such incredible sorrow over the pain caused to others by our choices that we are provoked out of love and compassion for them to no longer put them through the torture of victimization.
That is the hard part: getting there; grasping the damage done to those around us: fully accepting that we cannot stop hurting them without the transforming guidance of the Holy Spirit; without the Blood of Jesus Christ to wash our soul clean and give us a fresh start.
The light at the end of the tunnel was the peace that overtook my emotions once I stopped resisting the weight of my sin. Rest, contentment, and security replaced all my tears and little by little I began to see the prayers I had prayed for mercy to begin to reopen doors that I was sure had been slammed shut forever. The most important parts of my progress were first brokenness over the pain I had caused others and second accepting someone into my life that I had to be accountable to for my choices.
For people working a typical twelve step program that accountability partner is called a "sponsor";. It's an easy term used by the secular world to allow accountability without having to get God involved. To the redeemed, our person of accountability is "pastor"; "sunday school teacher"; "christian friend". Support groups, Bible studies, sunday school, christian chatrooms, all these are sources that we can find men and women of God that will encourage us and challenge us when we are getting in too deep on the wrong path.
Once we have our christian friends and accountability partners in place; knowing that we have surrounded ourselves with people that will be loving and genuine with us; we finally learn what was meant when the Bible says, "faith is the substance od things hoped for". Persistent hope gave way to faith and faith gave way to substance. I have been changed from a man that was broken and alone to a christian and a friend that is never out of the reach of one of the dozen people on this Earth God has blessed me with.
Step One says, "We admit we are powerless to fix ourselves and that our lives have become unmanageable";. It all boils down to authenticity. If you are sincerely aware that you not only need Jesus Christ, but that even with a biblical guide, you still cannot manage your life, then you have just begin the incredibly rewarding journey towards the Thrown of Grace. In the arms of Jesus Christ we not only find compassion despite our sin, we also find understanding and help to never ever be the same again,... by the Grace of God!!!
David J. Wheeler
Whatever You Practice, You Develop!!!
