Perhaps the thing, the truth, the deep reality that keeps me going the most is that we just don't have to try somehow to forget about the worst times and feelings and experiences and shame in our lives, but that those very things can be used to transform us. I believe, and see that all the time, though slowly, in my life and in those in recovery around me. It is nothing short of miraculous, and certainly has it's transforming power in our Higher Power. Not only is there forgiveness and healing from shame and guilt, but those very things forgiven are a source of strength and hope to others as we share them.

The incredible thing, that I can still hardly believe, is that we don't have to hope to get back to where we used to be, or where we think we should be, or where we think others think we should be....but, we can be something completely different because of the pain, and shame, and addiction, and everything we've been through and are going through. I heard a speaker in treatment say that when we do our 4th and 5th Steps we're not supposed to simply put our character defects and all the "bad stuff" behind us, because if we do, "they will bite us in the butt." All that stuff is not to be suppressed or hidden, but it is to be transformed.

The best truth in my recovery, that I try share with myself and others, is that our Higher Power doesn't want to just piece us back together like we used to be before we crashed and burned, but He wants to take all the broken pieces of our lives that we can see and are willing, with His strength, to give to Him, and make a brand new sculpture---a new creation. He truly wants to transform us---to make us into something we could have never been if we had never been broken, hit bottom, humbled, knocked off our horses (knocked off my motorcycle during my last drink 451 days ago).

It is the worst of times and the best of times....Nothing is wasted. Everything is recycled. All things can work together for the good, as we, the powerless, the insane, receive THE POWER, and THE SANITY that comes from the Steps the Program the Fellowship the Promises. Wow! It reminds me of the phrase by singer song-writer Bob Bennet, "Just when my dreams turned to nightmares, You woke me up."     

     Oh so right. I not only never forget the things I did - I learn by them. Now most often the "new" me does the opposite. A complete reversal. Anger to love, fear to resolve, resentment to acceptance.

     I would not like to go back to what I was, and my best ideas of what I had to be got me here in the first place. I'm still growing and learning what to do, but God and the steps are finally giving me the peace I couldn't find in a bottle. 

     There are now even days when I don't have to kick myself for some dumbass stunt. Who knows, in a year or ten thousand I may get this right. The fun for me is in the practice and the fulfillment it brings...

That is it. Transformation, Yes... This Whole thing is about a Transformation. and it does not mean we forget, it means we learn and grow and share. So the wisdom and experiences can better serve the future.

I tell my sponcees: I can not change what I have been, But I can become more than what I am... As long as I stay sober and grow in my relationship with my Higher Power.

And what an adventure it is, I am not the person I was in my first year of sobriety nor I am the same as each year rolls on.

I work my steps over and over doing a Inventory every year,.. opening my self to growth. 

this last year has been a hard one,.. for issues I did not see came up.

just showing that there is no end to this program and the prosses.

For ever going, and For Ever Transforming.