Well, I finally did it. I cut the cord and discontinued therapy. The relationship was waaayy too complicated for me and as much as I liked him, it wasn't helping anymore. At my last sesssion, as I cried like a baby, he told me that he had put more of himself into our relationship than he had with any of his other patients (and he mentioned something about it almost being unprofessional or something to that affect) and he had learned a lot about himself (?) and that I was one of his most challenging, therefore most rewarding patients. I told him that I had never considered out "relationship" as anything more as a service provider/customer relationship even though I did like him. He said that was good. But now, I am obsessively going over every session we had that I can remember. I ask myself why he felt it was necessary to "put more of himself into our relationship." What that an oops, did he find himself attracted to me? Was he lonely? Am I just so darn charming? I mean, this guy is not a young man, he's nearly 50 if not in his 50s, I can't believe he hasn't learned to detach from his patients by now. Ugghh! What a mess. I know I need to continue with therapy, and I had intended to return afte a while, but to someone different, but now I am afraid to. I'm very confused about all of this. Maybe it was all nothing and he said that to to all of his patients (I hope not b/c then I'll be pissed off b/c I'll feel like I was played.) I can't even begin to count the times I wished I had never gone back to see him, but my other counselor stopped seeing private patients. This guy was my therapist back when I was working for The Dragon (old boss, breathed fire) and everything was fine then but after I stopped going and my MD "highly recommended" I return, I said I wanted to see a female therapist or counselor. After 13 sessions with her, I stopped going to see her. I thought I was doing okay without counseling until an incident at my daughter's daycare where the husband of the provider was accused of taking pictures of my daughter. I didn't know what to do but I wanted the incident documents so I tried to get back in to see my female counselor only to find out she wasn't seeing patients anymore so, in a pinch, I asked for this guy. He agreed to see me. I knew I was using him b/c I only intended the one session and while I know that is wrong, I never realized how personally he would take it. He was so cold to me during that session, even going so far as to tell me he didn't think he could help me, but rather that I need to be put in-patient! I was hysterical by the time I left, but after a lot of thought, I decided to continue with therapy and I would continue it with him. And so began our saga. The first several sessions were tense and I made no secret of how I disliked coming session but that I had made a commitment and I intended to see it through. Then, during one session, he "adjusted" himself (down there). I was so embarassed. It happened again in another session, and then again, but this time he noticed my discomfort. Nothing was said, but it never happened again. We continued working with the interpersonal approach. I, personally, set some goals to work on, one of which was being comfortable talking to men in general and another was working on eye contact during difficult conversation. One session, I made a point to keep eye contact and apparently so did he b/c I ended up having to deliberately close my eyes to get him to blink and look away. At the time I laughed to myself about it. As the sessions went on, he tossed around ideas for different "diagnosis" (see previous blogs) but finally settled on OCD and chronic and acute depression. He then told me I was very hard to peg down b/c I wasn't consistently one thing. In one session, after talking in circles, I admited that I often felt like such a failure. He responded, "I'd love to help you with that." His words were so simple and his voice was so tender that I nearly broke down right there. For the first time in like, ever, I truly believed that I could talk to someone and that they would listen and that they could help me. It was the most amazing feeling and it filled me with such contentment for several days. My next session was weeks away, but I was so looking foward to it. But the next session was different. He shared that he has reconciled with his ex-wife (I am guessing while on vacation a few weeks earlier) and I'm pretty sure he got laid, too, b/c of a comment he said about "hitting a man where it hurts, but don't withhold sex" it's just an assumption, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. What ever intimacy that was apparent in our previous session was gone. Our next few sessions were rocky b/c I so badly wanted to get back to where we were. I wanted to talk and have him listen and I wanted to know I could get through this and I wanted to know that when I was hurting (as I knew I would be) that someone would be there and not critize, or judge, just respond with such genuine kindness, the likes of which I don't think I have ever experienced in my life. But that was gone and I started to not want to go back to see him. Then, in one session, he flatly asked me if I was attracted to him (this stemmed from a conversation about me feeling guilty about discussing my husband in therapy). I responded, "you can be very tender sometimes and I think that is attractive." He became very flustered and told me that psychologists aren't "real people" because they have "no flaws" b/c we don't see them in real life. Whatever. I could count about a handful of his just from our sessions, but I left that alone. I did, however, feel slightly rejected b/c he looked a bit horrified. This guy is nearly 20 years my senior and he's a bit of a geek (ok a lot of a geek). I was pissed b/c I would think he could at least pretend to be flattered. But I digress. Truth be told, I was attracted to him. He was smart and funny and I have always had a soft spot of geeky guys. Plus, add the tenderness of the earlier session and a certain amount of control freak and a dash of vunerability and, heck yeah, that is attactive, but I didn't entertain the notion of anything happening. I was never far from my mind that I was paying $150 out of my pocket to talk to him. If I am paying someone that much, as far as I am concerned, they work for me for that hour and as much as I liked him, I sure as h*ll? didn't like him $150 per hour worth. I was in therapy for a reason. I wanted to work through my issues. I wanted to be able to talk to men without feeling fear, I wanted to be able to feel content, I wanted to learn how to establish boundaries, I wanted to not have every moment plagued by fear that people just don't like me. Sadly, I accomplished none of that. As much as I liked him, I am just really disappointed that I wasted all that time and money on something that didn't work and I think he knew from the get go that he didn't offer the type of thereapy that I probably needed though I thank him for trying. I have no idea who or what I am irritated about this except that I really want to go back and ask him what the h*ll? did he mean about learning about himself. If he got more out of therapy than I did, I want some of my money back. I hope anyone who reads this finds my rambling entertaining. All these thoughts have been bumping around inside my brain for nearly three weeks now and I needed to put them out, but I do not feel comfortable talking to people I know about them because I don't want them to get the idea. I have no idea what his intentions were, if any. I am very positive he was trying to help me and I would never want to get him into trouble, but I need to sort out my thoughts so that I can let them go. I can tell, just by typing this, that I have some major issues which I am not sure I fully recognized until this point. I can't pin down my ideas, I jump all over the place, I don't want to accept responsibility for anything I may have done, I want to be able to treat people the way I want and I don't want consequences. Contratulations! I am officially my mother, but I'll save that for another blog. Peace out and good night
