Please don't continue 'til you lose everything. Believe me, there's absolutely nothing liberating about it at all. You got 3 days! That's an achievement you should be proud of, whether it feels justified or not. I barely remember my first week or so - but that doesn't matter now. I'm going to be blunt; that's my way: This will be the hardest thing that you ever do, because if it was easy we would all have done it ages ago. The good news is that it will be the best thing, too.

Someone a lot smarter than me described it like this:

His life when drinking got worse over time. There were little peaks along the way (new job, moved house) but the trend was always downwards.

His life once he stopped drinking got better over time. There were (and still are) troughs (bereavement, relationship breakdown)  but the trendhas always been upwards.

That isn't an analogy or parable; this was a real guy with a real life and real problems. I remember him saying these things and understanding that it's not all a bed of roses. That sounded both reasonable and true. As for your despair - who knows? I can tell you honestly that if I had continued to feel as bad as I did in those first few days, then I couldn't have stayed sober.

Easy? No. Easier? Yes, definitely.

Please, please remember that we are all capable of stopping - and of staying stopped. Keep talking, keep listening and be good to yourself.

All the best

col  

3 days clean today, and jonesing like nobody's business.  You would think that after all the h*ll? this addiction has put me through, I would have a stronger desire to get off and stay off the roller coaster.  But no, I fit the definition of insanity to a tee. Although I don't know what different outcome I might be trying to attain.  Maybe I won't be happy until I've lost everything and everyone in my life.  How long will I feel this utter total despair if I stay clean?

Thank you KeithB and geefly71.  I'm so new to this site I have no idea how to navigate, where to type, where to look, etc.  But you have both helped.  Is this where I am supposed to tell my story? and where do I go to read others' stories?

That's an interesting question. Because there is no such thing a feeling 'normal'. How I feel without alcohol is still dependent (to a lesser or greater degree) on many physiological factors such as my diet, sleep pattern, exposure to daylight, caffeine intake, levels of excercise etc as well as psychological ones like having solitude vs being with others, relationships, happiness at work - to name a few. I do understand that the level of alteration when an addiction is being fed is huge, though. My point is that sometimes my 'normal' is ok and sometimes it's not. I abuse coffee and cigarettes, happily, cos neither of them caused me to be homeless. Is what you're doing harmful to you or others? That's the crux of it, isn't it? Anyway, I'm gabbling.

Good luck, and be good to yourself  

Col

depression, boredom, any of a number of reasons really.  None of them good enough.  But for as long as I can remember, my normal waking consciousness has not felt 'right' to me.  Or rather I have not felt normal when there is nothing in my system altering my state of mind.

Your certainly not alone or a freak! Why is it that you seek to alter your mood??