I don't know if I would say at this moment I am happy but I'm in contact with my daughter whom I haven't had contact with in like a year so how dare I put anything else besides happy. Anyway I knew and was somewhat prepared (as prepared as u could be anyway) for the hard questions that would come from Hailey. Hailey is 6 but a month away from turning 7 and she is not an immature girl and poor thing due to me has been thru things that a 5 and 6 year old should never have to go thru. Right now my mom (her guardian) says that she wants us to just talk on the phone - u know take it slow 1 step at a time. I understand and agree, she wants to see how her behavior may be affected and stuff. But its so hard, she has my phone number and I told her she can call me anytime she wants which made a big difference, now she feels like she has some control you know. The first time we talked was last Thursday so it'll be a week tomorrow & I don't know how long exactly my mom wants the phone calls to continue before there's a visit but she told me to tell Hailey a couple of weeks or so. That we want to take it slow to make sure Mommy stays healthy and that she's ok and she keeps being a good girl for gramma, etc... But every time we talk she asks when am I gonna see you and I explain this and every phone call she must ask at least 3 times. It's so hard. I think my mom is gonna let me see her soon probably within the next week or so, I don't think she's gonna make her wait another 2 weeks. She called yesterday and she sounded upset so I asked her if she was ok and said she sounded sad and she said yes she was sad and I asked why and she said because I miss you so much mom. Ugh my heart is breaking. I manage to keep it together for her sake on the phone, and within a few minutes she was her cheerful self. But she'll ask if I have a bed for her and stuff like that. I mainly just reassure her that I love her and miss her and that I think about her everyday and I always did and I didn't go away because of her it was because of me and I kinda told her that when she's older that I would explain everything to her but what's important right now is Mommy's healthy.
I knew it was gonna be hard & believe me I've had plenty of time to prepare myself but when it finally happened boy was it difficult. Hello my name is Guilt. I've talked in group about it and with my one on one counselor but I figure I'd share this as well, do you know I've been thinking of using? Not really using but like I'll be driving alone in the car or something and images (of using) will pop in my head. I'll try to shake them out and pray for peace of mind and stuff but it's been more lately. Like after I'm finally getting what I've been waiting and working for for a long time I'm thinking of using??? Hello?? Can anyone say baffling? I just thank God I have people to talk it out with because its been strong urges. Even with talking and stuff I still don't really understand where or why its come on. When things are good it hits? But darn it this disease will not beat me it WILL NOT WIN.
Tags: Happy
